Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

[Celtic1hair]

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

@Bingbangbongbash

I think you’re not being very fair on him. I’ve read all your posts and you’re seeing problems before they even start - what if the dates don’t work? What if we have to travel for 2 days either end?

You want a 10 day, foreign holiday, which is fine. But own it. Don’t make excuses about ‘making memories’ and ‘the kids need a holiday’. Kids don’t care if you’re in Lanzarote or Land’s End. A beach, some ice cream, they’re laughing.

But your husband has complex, conflicting feelings about the holiday, falling, is it does, over his father’s 70th. On the one hand, he wants it so badly - perhaps even because he’s been grieving for so long, and the last 2 years it’s been set against a time of national sadness and strangeness.

But on the other hand, the idea of being somewhere hot and sunny and living his life, ‘making memories’ when his dad isn’t able to, perhaps feels wrong. His sadness and grief is likely wrapped up in guilt for wanting happiness. These are all very common feelings after the death of a loved one.

Compounding those feelings is that he forgot his dad’s birthday for a moment, when he booked the time off. So he’s feeling even more guilty. But that’s not a ‘gotcha’ moment like PP have implied; it’s another reason it’s even more important to him to connect with his dad again, by visiting the grave, surrounding himself with the people who knew him best, celebrating his birthday. I’m staggered more people don’t see this.

It wouldn’t even occur to me to make it difficult for my husband to deal with the 70th birthday of his dad in whatever way he wants - even if it meant changing our holiday plans from abroad to local. Is it the holiday you hoped for? No. But will you still have fun and make memories? Of course. And you’ll do it knowing you have shown kindness and support to a grieving loved one.

Imagine this thread on Dadsnet: ‘my wife won’t let me see my family for my deceased dad’s birthday because it stops us going to the Maldives’

Thank you, yes I am worried about him and I am concerned he doesn't feel any further burden or guilt. That is where I was struggling in the first place because, honestly the whole drive for the holiday, as it was has been from him! Had he said to me I don't feel I can go away when it's my father's birthday this year I would have completely understood, but he didn't. He has pushed for months for this holiday, for the kids, it's him that's wanted to go abroad (don't get me wrong I'm with him!) And its him that's wanted to go for longer. And it was him that booked the dates in the first place. He's not done any of this to placate me (any other time it would have been me I'm sure) but this year he desperately wants a break, and for the kids to have one. But when the realisation dawned on the fact it was his 70th, and my DH is putting a specific significance on this birthday, has even said himself it wouldn't matter if it was next year or the year after, he feels that his duty is to go to the grave to commemorate, and that it would be wrong to be away enjoying ourselves. I'm certainly not saying it's a competition and he needs to pick a side, but I was just completely taken aback that in his mind he would cancel our trip, which he has been pushing and pushing for for months because of it. Like ive said, I was struggling because thank god I've not been through it to understand and do want to support him in any way I can, it is just whether it's reasonable.

It would be odd if you can't book a holiday Saturday to Saturday. Lots of people do that. I would just get on and book it soon and be a bit flexible in where you go. There's no reason to think that won't work.

collyfleur why should the OP have been responsible for remembering the date if her DH didn't? This is 100% on him and I think his OTT reaction is because he knows that. Maybe the OP would be more inclined to redefine their plans if he had said "shit, I'm so sorry, I'm such an idiot. I know I am massively letting you done but this is important to me" instead of storming off like a teenager. I know a holiday might seem frivolous compared to a memorial date but this is something in the planning and saving and anticipating for three years. The OP is allowed to want a decent break. Just because many only go for a week or in the UK doesn't mean she is wrong to want the thing they planned for TOGETHER. Its not just about the kids is it - or this another example where a woman is supposed to apologise for having preferences and needs of her own while everyone runs around after the poor man who utterly fucked this up?

@Celtic1hair

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks. Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away. I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

We're back to the 1950's with his storming off and leaving childcare and the job of looking after upset kids all to you, while he festers in self pity. He has no respect for you and is opting out of a huge part of family life by so casually cancelling the holiday idea when it meant so much to all of you. It's very sad he lost his dad but that doesn't give him the right to act like this. It's bewildering. The kids Ned a holiday and have no doubt been looking forward to this for so long so go on the holiday and he can go see his family.

Btw I'm very sympathetic to him in terms of how hard this might be for a big birthday in remembering his dad, but that doesn't give him the right to opt out of family life and act like this. I'd bet he acts out of order quite a lot. Maybe some time apart would do you good to think things through.

@Bingbangbongbash

You’re not celebrating the birthday for the dead person, you’re doing it for the loved ones remaining. Regardless of how stupid you think it is, it’s important to him. Support him or don’t, but don’t discount his feelings and his journey through grief because it isn’t what you would do.

Absolutely, and I do support whatever he wants or feels he needs. I'm far from perfect, but I do try and do this, as I know he would for me. If it hasn't come across that way it is because emotions are running high and it's hard to get things across in this tiny text box! But it is difficult because now he has decided that he needs to be at the grave on that day, and that could mean us not going away with the kids. And that's why I did try and seek help here, to get different perspective and opinions, which you have been kind enough to give

@Celtic1hair

Yes, he said he did know it was his father's birthday, he just didn't realise until it was all booked that it would have been his 70th. I do agree, but I'll conceed that he hadn't realised at the time. Its just that he's making such an issue of this now I think is unhealthy. Because he now knows, he would be the worst person in the world for not being there with his mother. I am trying to be sympathetic and supportive, but our opinions on such things are so wildly different, which is why it's been really helpful everyone who has taken the time to comment, as I'm sure I can be tunnel visioned and that could come across as nasty.

Have you explained it in terms of ‘youve spent months telling me how important this holiday is for our family, how our children need it, how it’s worth saving for because it’s so important for the dc. You’ve led this and booked leave because you feel it’s so important for our family. Now you’ve realised it’s your dads birthday and you’ve just dumped it. Something that was ‘so important for the children’ was tossed aside in a second, and you’re mad at me for being upset. I’d be upset at anything short of you being in intensive care that led you to just disregard our children and your family completely, it makes me feel like such a low priority to you if you can just dump plans that were apparently so important for us, if they can just be dumped like that then obviously we aren’t important to you. And I can’t accept that for my children, parents shouldn’t let their children down like that. Your dad was lovely and I can’t imagine him ever treating you like that.

Before you make any changes he needs to phone his mum and siblings and make sure they are going to be there on the day and haven’t decided to go away on holiday and just haven’t mentioned it. Once confirmed they are indeed planning to visit the grave and have a lunch on the actual day then I would consider that your DH is geographically separated from his family and you’ve pointed out they don’t speak or communicate frequently which is in contrast to him seeing and speaking to your parents regularly. If he were to be on holiday whilst his mother and siblings we’re having a birthday lunch ‘for’ his father’s 70th birthday and he missed it, it’s another thing for him to feel guilt over. Grief is very complicated and I do think his reaction is because he messed up with the dates, as he would also really like a holiday in the sun, but not can’t enjoy whilst knowing he’d be missing being seen to be there with his family - and wanting to be there.
Without knowing the geography, could you drive the 200miles to an airport closest to his mother’s? Have a week away knowing when you arrive back on the Saturday night/Sunday morning you’re already there for lunch and then spend a few with his mum before starting the drive home stopping for a few days somewhere scenic on the way back?

OP,
I hope you find some middle ground to sort the holiday out.

Far more important is the huge strop and him storming off and leaving you with 3 children.

There is a type of man that does that.
That thinks the ultimate responsibility for his children is with his wife and he can just walk away.

I would be absolutely furious that this is obviously his thinking.
Good men just don't storm off on their wives and children.

Wasters do. MN is full of stories of men who do this.

THIS is the issue here.
I wouldn't be accepting he was upset etc.

He stormed off and left you with your no doubt upset children, at what they witnessed.
Disgraceful behaviour.
Deal breaker behaviour.

Don't allow his bullshit about his father's birthday and HIM forgetting be a reason that he thinks he can use you as his emotionally punching bag, and behave like a total petulant loser.

I would be absolutely furious at my children witnessing such behaviour from their father.

It would seriously impact my respect for him.

Completely unacceptable.

Basically, if he had come to you and explain what was going on, said he was really sorry bit could we organise things differently this year? etc... Im sure you would have been accomodating.
INstead, he expected you to buckle down and just accept he changed his mind wo a peep. He didn't cate about the effecton you or the dcs. The fact that YOU might need to break just as much as he does/did.

The issue here is the lack of care and respect for you and your feelings.
And he has sowned you that, whe at the end of it, your needs are way down his priority list. His needs will always go first despite the love, what a great partner/dad he is etc... Typical mysogynist behaviour.

His 'journey through grief' is rather long if he's giving up holidays to stand by a gravestone 4 years later

I suspect he lashed out at you as he felt guilty he had forgotten his dads birthday. He felt so guilty he wanted someone to blame

What stood out for me was you said he talks to his DM every few weeks. If he cares about supporting his DM around the death of his DF calling her up more often would be a more genuine example of care and support than sacrificing his families holiday than concentrating on a birthday where the protagonist can't be there.

Both my df and my df died when they were just over 64. I think they'e

I am trying to be sympathetic and supportive, but our opinions on such things are so wildly different, which is why it's been really helpful everyone who has taken the time to comment, as I'm sure I can be tunnel visioned and that could come across as nasty.

i think it takes people different amounts of time to get to the "dad would have loved this" without wailing and being sad about it though. My dad has been dead for 15 years but i still, even now, have moments completely out of the blue where i desperately miss him and would love to have a chat or show him something. I think that's normal.

I don't necessarily think focussing on the 70th birthday is good, i don't think it's necessarily bad, and i can understand that it has suddenly appeared on the radar because in the early years when my dad had died, i found it incredibly difficult to think of him without bawling, so i tried not to. I think berevement councelling would be excellent for all the family, althouh it might be that after they have got past this 70th birthday their acceptance of the death might be better? Milestones have a way of doing that sometimes.

Having said all that. I wouldn't go abroad with 3 small kids for a week. It would have to be a minimum of 10 days or it's not worth it.

OP I'm no grief expert but i understand correctly that you are saying that 4 years down the line he can still NEVER remember his dad with a smile or a laugh then maybe he should be looking more a grief counselling. I know everyone's different, and we're a decade on now with my father in law, but I'm pretty sure dh and mil could laugh fondly about anecdotes etc within months, certainly a year or so (not all the time of course). After all although 60s is reactively young, we're also not talking about the loss of a child or young adult either. It seems like maybe he feels guilty about moving on, hence the unreasonable reaction when he realised he has forgotten a big birthday.

If he's not usually that controlling or angry then you need to be considering what's going on for him rather than jumping to the 'he's abusive LTB' view some mumsnetters seem to adopt whenever anyone doesn't have 100% control over their emotions every second. I'm not defending his behaviour or saying I think he's doing the right thing and you should just roll over and take it, but if you are usually happy with him, and he is now calming down, you do need to try and empathise too, and maybe try and get him to see he needs support.

In the meantime, you need to get searching for holidays that are sat - sat and cross the bridge of what happens if you can't get one when you come to it, rather than putting up imaginary barriers to compromise. After all, if you push him to go on the holiday as originally planned, I can't imagine the mood of the holiday will be great!

Wow that's quite the twisting of the facts there @BeHappy91818. She's behaving like a child when he stormed off from a family day out?

I thought you'd flounced off the thread too?

I'm a bit surprised at the posters saying a week abroad with young kids isn't worth it. That's what the vast majority of people I know do surely? Maybe if it was off season and you needed to fly further to get sun I'd understand but as it's summer you can be in lovely places in a few hours. And actually longer might seem too long if the kids turn out to be fussy about the food, not sleep well in the beds etc! Admittedly I've only been abroad once since having kids for a variety of reasons but that was 1 week in ibiza with a 4 year old and it was just right!

Go on holiday without him. He's done this deliberately to cause a fight, so call his bluff.

His desire to be at the grave on that day is not a ‘need’ it’s a want.

How is it fair on OP to say holiday with young children alone- leave him with the kids and you go on holiday OP

Do think about what billy1966 said above - she speaks good sense as usual. His grief may be profound (and therefore need therapy) but it shouldn't give him an excuse to storm off and leave you as the default parent. Would you ever treat your children like that?

Have you thought about going on a two week holiday and him flying home to the celebration?

DH and I have done that before, been on holiday and he flew back from where we were to leeds bradford to an important business meeting - he actually did it in a (very long) day but equally could have done it over two days - leaving me and the kids to enjoy the holiday!

@BeHappy91818 Read all the OPs posts. She is the one who has been making all the sacrifices for him. HE, is the one who doesn't respect how she feels.

[quote PinaColada123456]@BeHappy91818 Read all the OPs posts. She is the one who has been making all the sacrifices for him. HE, is the one who doesn't respect how she feels.[/quote]
I have read them all. All her posts are about her and how she can’t do this, that and wants what she wants regardless.

@Loopytiles

His desire to be at the grave on that day is not a ‘need’ it’s a want.

A 2 week holiday is a want and not a need also ..