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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

602 replies

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 22/03/2022 18:10

Absolutely spot on @WalkingOnTheCracks.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 22/03/2022 18:11

@LBFseBrom

I like your post, WalkingOnTheCracks. It's so true. Society has lost all its rituals and not replaced them with anything suitable or relevant. We've all become very me-centred: our home, our job, our car, our holiday, etc.

If we stopped and took a breath we'd realise that, all being well, those things will still be in place or possible next year and probably the year after. In the here and now there are people who need us to give them some priority, maybe only once in a while, but it will mean a great deal to them and they'll not forget.

But that point could be made word for word by both sides in this case?
PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 18:18

In the here and now there are people who need us to give them some priority, maybe only once in a while, but it will mean a great deal to them and they'll not forget.

Exactly, it, can apply to both sides @ChateauxNeufDePoop , and the above paragraph certainly applies to the wife and children.

Vivi0 · 22/03/2022 18:51

I think the family should recognise that and accommodate him, not only because that's what families do, but because - as the OP says - he is the husband and father he is because of his dad

You say the “family” should be accommodating of him, by that I assume you mean the OP and their children. It sounds like the OP has been very accommodating of her husband. It is not the responsibility of the children to accommodate their father’s grief. They are only young and do not fully understand why their father is behaving the way he is, or why they can no longer go on holiday.

I don’t think it’s dismissive to say that 4 years down the line, the OP’s husband now needs to take responsibility for his own grief and to take steps to minimise its impact on his wife and children. Maybe that looks something like making an appointment with his GP, considering antidepressants or making an appointment with a therapist.

How long should the OP and their young children accommodate him for? Putting aside the impact it has on them, it serves him no benefit to be stuck in limbo like this. You can’t just hit pause on life - it goes on, regardless.

Cancelling the family holiday to stand at his father’s grave is such an extreme thing to do. Hopefully this will be the wake up call he needs to take responsibility for his own grief and seek some assistance with it.

Hertsgirl10 · 22/03/2022 19:17

Can his mum come on the holiday even for a week?
Or just go on your own with the kids leave him to it.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 22/03/2022 19:19

Cancelling the family holiday to stand at his father’s grave is such an extreme thing to do. Hopefully this will be the wake up call he needs to take responsibility for his own grief and seek some assistance with it.

It would be the last time I'd indulge him.

Momicrone · 22/03/2022 19:23

Walking on the cracks, how patronising to suggest people don't understand the nature of grief just because we don't grieve in the same way you do.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 22/03/2022 19:24

The situation clearly isn't about grief unresolved or otherwise,. It's about his insecurity regarding his (birth) family. From reading the OP's posts it's clearly been a point of sensitivity for him for as long as she's known him. He's been told to jump, so he's jumping.

Momicrone · 22/03/2022 19:25

Lbf - 'we've all become me-centred', like the mother and his son

Blossomtoes · 22/03/2022 19:39

@Momicrone

Walking on the cracks, how patronising to suggest people don't understand the nature of grief just because we don't grieve in the same way you do.
To be fair this thread clearly shows that a lot of posters haven’t got the first idea about grief. The first thing anyone who has experienced severe grief will say is that every journey is different and no two people grieve in the same way. What everyone I know who’s experienced it has in common is respect for grieving and compassion for those in its clutch - many posters here are displaying neither.
Vivi0 · 22/03/2022 19:59

To be fair this thread clearly shows that a lot of posters haven’t got the first idea about grief. The first thing anyone who has experienced severe grief will say is that every journey is different and no two people grieve in the same way. What everyone I know who’s experienced it has in common is respect for grieving and compassion for those in its clutch - many posters here are displaying neither

I think posters have a better idea about grief than you think.

What you describe as “severe grief” is actually known as complicated grief. If a person isn’t moving through certain stages of grief after one year of a loved ones death, then seeking treatment is recommended.

Whether you agree or not, it is not healthy for the OP to be accommodating her husband to this extent 4 years down the line. Compassion has its limits, and her husband needs to realise that his complicated grief is his responsibility, the OP should not be encouraging him by accommodating him any further.

Her husband is a father to young children - he does not have the luxury of this level of self indulgence.

Clymene · 22/03/2022 20:08

Oh I understand grief @Blossomtoes. This isn't about grief though as @MurderAtTheBeautyPageant said. This is about him not being able to say no to his mum.

I know you've said that you think it's completely normal and acceptable for men to prioritise their mothers over their wives and children but it's really not.

SummerWhisper · 22/03/2022 20:43

I'm really hopeful that you find a compromise but the crux of it is that his father wouldn't have chosen to be absent from his children's lives at a pivotal moment (turning 70) but your husband is making that choice at a pivotal moment in your children's lives (first holiday abroad). He needs to see the absence he himself is creating.

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 22/03/2022 20:48

@SummerWhisper

I'm really hopeful that you find a compromise but the crux of it is that his father wouldn't have chosen to be absent from his children's lives at a pivotal moment (turning 70) but your husband is making that choice at a pivotal moment in your children's lives (first holiday abroad). He needs to see the absence he himself is creating.
What a load of overblown bollocks. A holiday is a pivotal moment in their lives?!?! Purlease. They can still go on a bloody holiday! Just go away for a week for goodness sake! What a load of drama.
LBFseBrom · 22/03/2022 20:56

Clymene: This is about him not being able to say no to his mum.
.........
Is his mum the person behind the proposed occasion? We don't know how she feels about it all or whether she would mind one of her children being absent. The op hasn't said.

Clymene · 22/03/2022 21:03

@LBFseBrom

Clymene: This is about him not being able to say no to his mum. ......... Is his mum the person behind the proposed occasion? We don't know how she feels about it all or whether she would mind one of her children being absent. The op hasn't said.
Sorry you're right. I misread one of the OP's earlier posts. He thinks she wants him to be there. But she hasn't said that.
Crikeyalmighty · 22/03/2022 21:49

@Celtic1hair. I totally agree with your posts, I personally think it’s maudlin and in piss poor taste and where do you draw the line, party on his 80th? I asked my H about this as his mum died at 64 and he said it’s the last thing he would want reminding that someone wasn’t there — he used to go and put flowers on his mums grave every birthday, Easter and Xmas and he always made sure he called his dad on her birthday and the date she died , without bringing his mum up . He thought his dad might just like to hear from him on those days.

saraclara · 22/03/2022 22:41

I had very young children when my father died, and they were in their very early 20s when my DH died.

Even in the depths of my grief, I prioritised my kids, just as their Grandpa and their adoring dad would have wanted me to. They would both be appalled to think that I'd put some kind of grief ritual above ensuring their welfare and happiness (and giving them a holiday) even in those early weeks, never mind four years later.

To say that because I managed to keep the sheer depth of my grief away from their lives as much as possible, I somehow 'don't understand' grief, is beyond insensitive. And if I'd become 'stuck' in my grief I'd have got help with it as soon as humanly possible, for their sake.

At some point, someone who is behaving like OP's DH needs to be told that it's time to let go or get some help. Saying four years on, that every kind of grief is okay, is plain wrong, and prevents people getting the help that they need.

LBFseBrom · 23/03/2022 02:37

Clymene: He thinks she wants him to be there. But she hasn't said that.
..........
Yes, I would like to know who has organised all this and if everyone is in agreement so far, apart from the op.

She does say he is usually reasonable, great even, and this is a one off thing.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/03/2022 05:07

@toomuchlaundry

If it meant so much to him why didn't he remember when booking time off, looking at holidays?
This...

What I'd do... Assuming you're not holidaying in Australia...

You both go to med/wherever.

He then flies back solo, for a couple of days... Then flies back after seeing his mum and celebrating the day?

If it's within Europe - short flights are often quite cheap. Try sky scanner /easyjet type airlines?.

That way you both get what you want..... He gets to see his mum after his daft mistake over dates.. You all get holiday and you would likely only be solo for a couple of days on holiday as sole parent

BR1967 · 23/03/2022 07:05

Tell him you are taking the children with or without him to keep promises made. Ask him if his father would behave like this? Plan something just with them the 1st week and with his family the 2nd week to celebrate Grandpa. Maybe he can do fun things with your kids that he did with his father. This is fair and he needs it driven into his brain!

Momicrone · 23/03/2022 07:44

Orange blossom, the drama is coming from the father

ChinstrapBobblehat · 23/03/2022 07:45

When a thread is 23 pages long, please at least take the time to read the OP’s comments (press the ‘see all’ button on the first post) before you chip in with yet another iteration of exactly the same advice that’s been given since page 2. She has responded to each of these suggestions MANY times already and the situation has moved on.

Sorry to be arsey but seriously - threads like this just turn into cancel the fuckin cheque bc posters don’t actually bother to read them.

Momicrone · 23/03/2022 08:27

It hasn't really moved on that much has it, problem still there, I'm not sure you can police anonymous forums

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 23/03/2022 08:29

@Momicrone

Orange blossom, the drama is coming from the father
He's been dramatic by flouncing off and so on but they could perfectly well go away (even abroad) for a week Sat to Sat and he could do what he wants with his family on the Sunday. All this angst is unnecessary and dramatic.
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