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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

602 replies

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 21/03/2022 20:31

@billy1966

He can support his mother without using his wife as an emotional punching bag when she disagrees with him.

The fact that she will leave tonight if it descends into shouting, speaks volumes about him.

I agree.

I would prioritise the holiday. It's been a few years since his father died, it's not the first anniversary. He can do something with his mum, but the OP and the DC should go away, get a holiday.

I lost my mum 3 years ago. I lost my dad just two weeks ago. I still say life is for the living.

Whatwouldnanado · 21/03/2022 20:32

Is he worried about losing face with his siblings? Are they pressurising him? Such a shame he can't put you and the kids first, enjoy a break and raise a glass to his Fad while you're away. Everyone's different. I have my mum and nanna in my head every day, see them in my kids but if you offered me a million pound I couldn't tell you the date either of them died, don't visit their graves and don't expect my kids to be dripping around after I've gone either.

Whatwouldnanado · 21/03/2022 20:32

Dad....edit facility please Mumsnet.

whynotwhatknot · 21/03/2022 20:41

It means so much to him to visit his df grave that he forgot the date

think about that

saraclara · 21/03/2022 20:44

@Whatwouldnanado

Is he worried about losing face with his siblings? Are they pressurising him? Such a shame he can't put you and the kids first, enjoy a break and raise a glass to his Fad while you're away. Everyone's different. I have my mum and nanna in my head every day, see them in my kids but if you offered me a million pound I couldn't tell you the date either of them died, don't visit their graves and don't expect my kids to be dripping around after I've gone either.
I couldn't even tell you the date my husband died! I only (usually) know each year because one of my DDs always puts her favourite photo of him on FB.

I think of him every day. Why would I want to recall the day he died? It was hardly the nicest memory I have. I don't really understand why people want to mark the worst day of their loved one's lives, to be honest.

Mrsmch123 · 21/03/2022 20:45

He's being very unreasonable. As harsh as it sounds his priority should be you and the children not his dads birthday. A phone call and some flowers to his mum should be enough. I would book the holiday and make him choose.

Clymene · 21/03/2022 21:08

This thread is so odd. There are so many posters telling the OP how important dates are to them and that she should let him grieve and she doesn't understand.

But he didn't remember the date! He spent ages planning it with his wife, booking the time off work, discussing what kind of holiday they wanted and he still didn't clock it was his dad's birthday. So dates aren't important to him.

Nothing to do with grief and everything to do with an unhealthy enmeshment with his family.

Blossomtoes · 21/03/2022 21:21

everything to do with an unhealthy enmeshment with his family

This so annoys me. What’s unhealthy about enmeshment with your natal family? Are you supposed to dial down all attachment to your parents and siblings when you enter a romantic relationship? Or just when your children are born? Or is is just men who are supposed to do this?

saraclara · 21/03/2022 21:27

@Blossomtoes

everything to do with an unhealthy enmeshment with his family

This so annoys me. What’s unhealthy about enmeshment with your natal family? Are you supposed to dial down all attachment to your parents and siblings when you enter a romantic relationship? Or just when your children are born? Or is is just men who are supposed to do this?

She said UNHEALTHY enmeshment. My late DH was part of a really close and loving family, and I was really lucky to marry into it. We're still all really close even though he's not been with us for a decade.

That's being meshed in a healthy way. We care for each other, we go the extra mile for each other (even though we live between 1.5-2.;5 hours from each other). But none of us would expect another family to give up the holiday they'd worked and planned for for over a year, for the sake of a day like this.

Blossomtoes · 21/03/2022 21:31

The holiday isn’t even booked. 🤷‍♀️

saraclara · 21/03/2022 21:58

@Blossomtoes

The holiday isn’t even booked. 🤷‍♀️
But the time off is booked and unchangeable and the sacrifices have already been made in order to have the holiday. No house move, no pet that OP wanted, lots of saving etc.

Having made the sacrifices for her DH's original dream, OP is being exhorted by MNers to compromise (which her DH is refusing to do) and have a week in the UK instead of the lovely two week all inclusive in the sun. For the sake of a few minutes at a graveside.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 21/03/2022 22:05

It's kind of a first world problem, but you've two main choices -

Dig your heels in, & continue to discuss (argue) with DH - you could ask him what he now proposes for the two weeks and if he has any ideas for how you can still have a nice family holiday.

Or consider whether to cut some slack given he seems to feel strongly about this and see whether you might be willing to compromise. (Hol in the UK, two shorter trips, book early for an amazing all in for next year instead)

As it seems to be his mess up see what he is thinking for how to spend the two weeks - give him a chance to come up with a plan. There are lots of lovely places in the UK - maybe there's a win here in seeing if MIL might look after your DC for a few nights so you can go stay somewhere lovely with DH during the two weeks

I guess overall if you can manage it it's probably best to start looking for a solution rather than expecting DH to drop the idea - he seems deep in his grief & he would resent you for not being on his side here (even if he screwed up and others may not understand why it's so important to him). If you force him away, chances are he'll be bloody miserable around this date now anyway - you're in a bit of a lose lose, but please just try and make the best of it if you can - kids won't care where you are but they will be happier with you both there together. Good luck Thanks

Clymene · 21/03/2022 22:31

@Blossomtoes

everything to do with an unhealthy enmeshment with his family

This so annoys me. What’s unhealthy about enmeshment with your natal family? Are you supposed to dial down all attachment to your parents and siblings when you enter a romantic relationship? Or just when your children are born? Or is is just men who are supposed to do this?

It may annoy you but he's a married man with children.

I'm not saying his mum and siblings are unimportant but his wife and kids should be his priority.

And his wife should be able to talk to him about how she feels without him having a massive strop.

Vivi0 · 21/03/2022 22:46

@Blossomtoes

everything to do with an unhealthy enmeshment with his family

This so annoys me. What’s unhealthy about enmeshment with your natal family? Are you supposed to dial down all attachment to your parents and siblings when you enter a romantic relationship? Or just when your children are born? Or is is just men who are supposed to do this?

Enmeshment is never healthy.

Close, healthy families give each other space, members of the family have their own lives and boundaries are set and respected.

Close, unhealthy families (enmeshed families) have no boundaries, fierce loyalty is expected of family members and guilt and shame are used to force family members to conform and not to challenge the status quo.

If the OP’s DH was part of a healthy family, he would not be behaving the way he is and he would not have cancelled the family holiday. His reaction is a clear sign of enmeshment and I imagine it’s his mother who has been piling on the guilt about his father’s milestone birthday.

OP, sorry to say this, but I think this situation with the holiday is just the beginning - I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts pushing for you to move nearer his mother soon.

Blossomtoes · 21/03/2022 22:46

I'm not saying his mum and siblings are unimportant but his wife and kids should be his priority

See, I don’t buy this. There have been times when my parents were my absolute priority because they needed to be and my bloke sucked it up. Most people prioritise according to need - which varies with circumstances.

Clymene · 21/03/2022 23:03

@Blossomtoes

I'm not saying his mum and siblings are unimportant but his wife and kids should be his priority

See, I don’t buy this. There have been times when my parents were my absolute priority because they needed to be and my bloke sucked it up. Most people prioritise according to need - which varies with circumstances.

I agree with that but this isn't one of those times. Which I think we're all aware of.
saraclara · 21/03/2022 23:04

@Blossomtoes

I'm not saying his mum and siblings are unimportant but his wife and kids should be his priority

See, I don’t buy this. There have been times when my parents were my absolute priority because they needed to be and my bloke sucked it up. Most people prioritise according to need - which varies with circumstances.

There are times of course, that we each had to put a parent first. My DH was very supportive practically and emotionally when my mum had her stroke in her home six hours away (a week after his own stage 4 cancer diagnosis) and when my dad was ill and then dying. And I loved his parents very much and so was absolutely there with him when they needed us.

But neither of us would have asked the other (and our kids) to do without a long saved for holiday to accompany a parent to the other's grave, and neither set of parents would ever have wanted us to.

BlueSummerBaby · 21/03/2022 23:16

@Blossomtoes

everything to do with an unhealthy enmeshment with his family

This so annoys me. What’s unhealthy about enmeshment with your natal family? Are you supposed to dial down all attachment to your parents and siblings when you enter a romantic relationship? Or just when your children are born? Or is is just men who are supposed to do this?

In a healthy family the DC fully grow up. As part of that process they become less entwined with parents and siblings, which is not to say they can't still be very close, but their lives diverge as the DC become adults and find their own way in the world. Eventually those DC create lives and families of their own and that nuclear family becomes the priority over the extended family.

That's not to say a parent, sibling or other extended family members might not be prioritised temporarily and short term during an emergency, but this situation isn't an emergency. OPs DH chose these dates for their family holiday, he should stand by his word now, prioritize his nuclear family and not let them down. That's the decent and healthy thing to do. If his extended family are decent and healthy individuals they would understand.

Cantbelieveit101 · 22/03/2022 02:28

What has the family done on the other anniversaries?

Can he not go down the weekend before your holiday and visit the grave and have a meal.

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 03:14

@Celtic1hair I hope you come back and update us. YANBU and to be honest I would give him an ultimatum. Either you all go on the holiday, or you both go draw up divorce papers. I am serious. Very serious. It's not even a major birthday. And even if it was, the man is dead and surely would want his son to be with his wife and family. His father wouldn't want him acting like this. No, he is being rude, selfish, cruel and thoughtless. And a deadbeat husband and father. I would say to him you are not wavering on this, and our marriage is at stake here because you cannot take much more of his selfish and thoughtless behaviour. If he is determined to stare at a gravestone like madman instead of be with his children, then he can tell the children why he chooses staring at a grave instead of being with them, and why you and he are separating.

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 03:16

@Blossomtoes When a man marries a woman, he leaves behind his childhood home and becomes one with his wife and his wife and children become his family, his wife and children become his number one priority. This shouldn't need to be explained.

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 03:18

@Blossomtoes

I'm not saying his mum and siblings are unimportant but his wife and kids should be his priority

See, I don’t buy this. There have been times when my parents were my absolute priority because they needed to be and my bloke sucked it up. Most people prioritise according to need - which varies with circumstances.

You don't buy that a man's WIFE AND CHILDREN becomes his NUMBER ONE PRIORITY?? We are not talking about some 'bloke' or a 'girlfriend', this is his wife, his life partner, and his children. They become his first priority before and above anyone else. That's what marriage is.
PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 03:21

What’s unhealthy about enmeshment with your natal family? Are you supposed to dial down all attachment to your parents and siblings when you enter a romantic relationship?

Yes! It's called MARRIAGE. It's not some 'romantic relationship', you're acting like they are simply dating! He is married! Your wife and children become your number one priority. That's what marriage is all about. You form a life with someone and they become your nuclear family.

Zonder · 22/03/2022 03:50

I wonder if he is under pressure from his mum and siblings.

You could make this work. Holiday Saturday to Saturday and he takes himself off on the Sunday. 200 miles is doable. Or you could fly from / to an airport near his mum.

However it seems odd he isn't suggesting a week away but rather to cancel the entire thing.

And his behaviour is terrible.

LBFseBrom · 22/03/2022 04:05

[quote PinaColada123456]@Blossomtoes When a man marries a woman, he leaves behind his childhood home and becomes one with his wife and his wife and children become his family, his wife and children become his number one priority. This shouldn't need to be explained.[/quote]
Yes and vice versa, we know that, our spouse and children come first. However that does not mean we no longer care about or for our parents or relatives, they are still important and part of our lives. I certainly cared about my mother after I was married, as did my husband; he did about his parents and so did I. I would have thought that was normal. We liked doing things for them and which pleased them. I would have thought that was normal unless the parents are horrible.

What the op's husband is asking does seem extreme to most of us but she says he is usually reasonable and this is not something he will want to do regularly.

They have not yet booked to go anywhere for their holiday but have arranged the two weeks off together. There's no reason why they cannot have a few days away - almost a week - either side of the late parent's birthday do. They might even enjoy it and the children will be happy to go on holiday wherever it is. They can all go abroad next year.