Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

[Celtic1hair]

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

I think you are digging your heels in for the two weeks because it was your expectation. Life gets in the way of well-laid plans and compromises have to be found. The above suggestion is a compromise.

Yes OP expected it. It's an expectation set up by her DH who has been planning it and bigging it up to his family for a year. OP has made sacrifices for this holiday, she's compromised on no pets and no house move to afford it. Now he's changing the goal posts and doesn't care how his wife and DC feel. His idea of compromise is for OP to go alone, not at all the holiday they had planned and very stressful for OP. He's the one digging his heels in. He instigated this holiday, he chose the dates. Now he's letting them down.

People saying nothing is booked so nothing is cancelled, the annual leave is booked and can't be changed by them both to match on another two weeks of the summer. This is their only chance for a family holiday this year. A holiday that he instigated, he chose dates for, which OP has made lifestyle sacrifices for over the past year and which the whole family has been looking forward to. And now he's refusing to go.

It's not life getting in the way of plans, it's death. A death that happened 4yrs ago.

Everyone reacts differently. Every death is different. And everyone's relationship to whoever died is different.

I completely agree but when you have kids you can’t promise them something and then completely go back on it.

He knew when his dads birthday was when he booked it and it sounds like he’s feeling guilty for going away and enjoying himself.

You can’t cancel the holiday. I think he would regret it if you did.
You just need to find a compromise - is it possible for him to fly home or fly MIL out for a couple of days?

He screwed up booking leave at the wrong time and doesnt want to admit it to his mother.

Try to find somewhere he can fly back and you have the children for a couple of days. If you cant then he should just say he'll visit his mother another time. Grief is strange but it shouldnt replace building good memories with his children.

Ask him if he wants his children to grieve for him - and if his father would have wanted to stop him building memories for his children.

Having read the whole of the thread I think you both need to take time to calm down. I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest but you have to give your DH time to come to his senses and consider other options. If you really don't think this is going to happen, and he is not willing to make any sort of compromise you have to decide what you yourself want. You haven't made it clear whether he expects all of you to attend this event, or whether he intends to go alone. If the latter you need to research some options. I can understand why you wouldn't want to travel abroad with 3 such young children, but whatever you decide to do you need to get on and book if you plan on going anywhere. Places are being booked up fast. Going with your parents would only be a good idea if you thought you would still be able to enjoy it.

Fwiw I took both my DC abroad from a young age and they remember nothing of these holidays, as others have suggested. A UK based holiday would have been fine, or even better, for them.

@BlueSummerBaby

I think you are digging your heels in for the two weeks because it was your expectation. Life gets in the way of well-laid plans and compromises have to be found. The above suggestion is a compromise.

Yes OP expected it. It's an expectation set up by her DH who has been planning it and bigging it up to his family for a year. OP has made sacrifices for this holiday, she's compromised on no pets and no house move to afford it. Now he's changing the goal posts and doesn't care how his wife and DC feel. His idea of compromise is for OP to go alone, not at all the holiday they had planned and very stressful for OP. He's the one digging his heels in. He instigated this holiday, he chose the dates. Now he's letting them down.

People saying nothing is booked so nothing is cancelled, the annual leave is booked and can't be changed by them both to match on another two weeks of the summer. This is their only chance for a family holiday this year. A holiday that he instigated, he chose dates for, which OP has made lifestyle sacrifices for over the past year and which the whole family has been looking forward to. And now he's refusing to go.

It's not life getting in the way of plans, it's death. A death that happened 4yrs ago.

That sums it up. The whoe thing has been about him. HE wanted the holiday, and OP made the sacrifices. And now that he's got her enthusiastic about going, he's pulling the rug out from under her.

It's cruel of him, and I don't actually think this is about grief at all. It's have become a family expectation of him. He's in their black books for planning a holiday, so he's backing down.

Also holidays abroad with young children are probably not the best for them. They need toys, naps, entertainment and to be constantly watched

🤣🤣🤣

Unfortunately no one told my dc

Plus I couldn’t take my eyes off them whether we were at home or abroad.

At least the plane journey was relaxing as they couldn’t run off anywhere and seemed happy to sit in their seats looking out of the window or having fun watching the cartoon channel

And this is nothing to do with the nature of grief. He forgot it was his dad's birthday.

If he'd said to the OP 'no I can't book annual leave to go on a fabulous AI holiday at the start of July because it's my dad's birthday on the 9th and I want to be with my mum', then that would have been fine and dandy, they could have booked their leave for another date, all good.

But he didn't. Because he forgot.

And you know what? It's fine that he forgot. It's nearly five years since his dad died. We can remember our loved ones who we've lost in so many different ways.

If his dad was a brilliant dad, I'm sure every time he's with his kids and having fun, he's remembering and honouring his memory.

My DH died nearly 3 years ago. Our DDs are still teenagers. We've now had three of DH's "birthdays" since he died and we do generally remember him on that day - this year we took some flowers to the grave. BUT in future years as my DDs become adults and start their own families there's no way I would expect them to cancel plans, drop everything and come and mourn DH on his birthday for who know how many years - not unless they choose to.
I think about DH every day, I'm not particularly fixated on doing it on special days. And I don't mark the anniversary of his death at all - I don't do "deathaversarys", although my SIL makes a big deal of them.

My grandmother died on Christmas Day (many years ago now), it was very sad, but we haven't spent every Christmas Day since in mourning. As someone said upthread, life is for the living.

Thanks all, so many points of views to consider. I'm going home now, to try and discuss it with him but if it descends into a shouting match I will leave for the night to give space, I'm not going to get drawn into a row, the points that need discussing are too important for that and need to be dealt with properly. I respect his grief and support him, but it cannot be a blanket excuse, and it cannot be his overriding priority. I also can't be the bad guy for not completely facilitating everything because it is related to his father, there are limits to what is fair, for him as well as everyone else.

I don't think many families who've paid for a holiday and return flights, would then be able to justify paying for one of them to have another return flight. It's just not something most people would do.

I mean, if you and yours want to @Celtic1hair that's up to you. I'm just saying that if you don't feel able to that's ok too.

@AnnesBrokenSlate

All of the posters who don't care about anniversaries and don't visit graves, aren't really relevant for the OP. Her DH does care. And part of his reason for visiting is undoubtedly to support his DM - who is still alive

Exactly!

Agree with Annes and Myrtle.

Lord Alive.

You absolutely do not get to dictate to your DH how he should commemorate a milestone anniversary of his father.

You COULD go for a week, you just don't want to. You COULD arrive back and head directly to MILs, you just don't want to.

I have someone i was very close to and their key anniversaries are of supreme priority to me. My husband wouldn't dream of trying to tell me how to commemorate on those days.

It was short sighted of him to agree to a holiday over those dates. It's clearly hit him in some way. At least look at what your options are for a week Saturday - Saturday rather than assuming you can't afford it, as it would presumably be offset somewhat anyway by doing 1 week instead of 10-14 nights.

He can support his mother without using his wife as an emotional punching bag when she disagrees with him.

The fact that she will leave tonight if it descends into shouting, speaks volumes about him.

@AnneLovesGilbert

He’s being incredibly selfish and absolutely ridiculous. He knew the date, booked his leave anyway, pushed for a holiday and now wants to bail. He’s the outrageous one and I’d be standing my ground.

Stropping off and leaving you and the kids to go out without him is pathetic. Is this new behaviour?

Do not be bullied.

I agree. Id have sympathy with him but he suggested these two weeks for a family holiday knowing full well the anniversary of his father's death- it has been 4 years. I would be inclined to organise a holiday still and he has the choice to come join you all after or not.

I get grief and it never will go away. But at the same time life does have to go on. Could his mum join you for holiday if he is maybe worried about her being alone?

@BobMortimersPetOwl

Lord Alive.

You absolutely do not get to dictate to your DH how he should commemorate a milestone anniversary of his father.

You COULD go for a week, you just don't want to. You COULD arrive back and head directly to MILs, you just don't want to.

I have someone i was very close to and their key anniversaries are of supreme priority to me. My husband wouldn't dream of trying to tell me how to commemorate on those days.

It was short sighted of him to agree to a holiday over those dates. It's clearly hit him in some way. At least look at what your options are for a week Saturday - Saturday rather than assuming you can't afford it, as it would presumably be offset somewhat anyway by doing 1 week instead of 10-14 nights.

He does not get to dictate how money was spent and every other big decision of the last year because he wants a holiday, and then change his mind either.

He's not demonstrated any concern about anniversaries before. nor did this borthday mean anything to him when he booked his time off work. I think this is less about grief and more about his mum being pissed off that he's planning a holiday, and him appeasing her. He has two other siblings who can support her.

Again, OP has compromised over SO many things over the year, to facilitate this holiday for him. She does NOT owe him any more compromises. He is only one of a family of five who are expecting this holiday that was his idea.

@Philisophigal

I'd see if you could cancel your holiday time booked off and go at another time. No point in wasting two weeks off.

It's been clearly stated that this isn't possible.

There comes a time when life 'moves on'. The family holiday was his suggestion ... there's no reason not to mark his fathers birthday during the same family holiday. OP had you booked to go anywhere?

I have someone i was very close to and their key anniversaries are of supreme priority to me

I don't know your circumstances and who you have lost or how, but I would suggest that it is not healthy for a grown adult with their own children to make the anniversaries of their late parent a supreme priority. It's unfair on the living family.

I'm assuming you live somewhere in the UK, op.

You say you particularly wanted to go abroad this year but there are plenty of nice places here and we do have some good weather. Even if your mother in law doesn't live in a holiday-type area, nowhere is that far away here. Most people can easily reach the coast, for example, by car.

As this is so important to your husband and he is otherwise a reasonable man, in your position I would look for a family friendly resort, with swimming pool, in an interesting area not more than a couple of hours from his family. Then you could visit them for a night and a day in the middle of the holiday. You might even enjoy it. The children won't mind where they have their holiday as long as they have some fun. It's been difficult for everyone over the past couple of years and a change is as good as a rest.

However find out what the others are doing, they may not all be wanting or expecting to do this celebration, or not on the actual day, it could just be your husband.

I was close to my brother, and he died young (30s) in traumatic circumstances. Every year I go to a specific restaurant and have a specific whisky on his birthday.

My dad was very close to my brother, but he's lousy with dates. I have to remind him of people's birthdays. He forgot my brothers anniversary last year and was really upset about forgetting.

Forgetting doesn't mean they don't care.

Honestly he hasn't behaved great, and you should talk about that because being upset should never be a free pass to treat people badly. But I'd look for the compromise just this once because rather than nitpick over who's been right or wrong about what, I think it would be the kind and right thing to do, and you can both have your needs accommodated. He's said it's just because it's a big birthday so maybe take him at his word.

He's being ridiculous. My dad died when he was 43. He would have been 70 this year. It was just another day. My mum would have been horrified if I'd said I was going to cancel a planned family holiday to 'mourn' him on the day.

I’d insist we go Monday-Friday away somewhere like Disneyland Paris or a really lovely cottage or cabin with an indoor pool and hot tub or something. Then he can come back and have his time with his family, but I’d only be going for a couple of days, driving back and having some nice days out with the kids and probably a night away with a friend or something to a lovely hotel whilst he has the kids one night