Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

[Celtic1hair]

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

We all want to grieve in a way which is lauded for being positive and uplifting and 'what they would have wanted'.

I don't want to be lauded for how I grieve. What a weird thing to think. I grieve privately and for myself, and try to ease my DD's grief for their dad. It would occur to me to look for praise from anyone. However, if my grieving was hurting others I hope someone would gently challenge me on it.

I think there must only be the tiniest number of people who would want their children and grandchildren to go without a holiday they're been looking forward to, so that one of them could stand at their grave. And given what OP has said about her FIL, he doesn't sound like one of them.

It WOULDN'T occur to me, rather.

Dammit.

I’d go on my own with the kids. I lost both my parents before they should have died. He’s being ridiculous..

@Skinnymimi

Hi OP. I am so sorry but I think in this case, I would go with my husband.

No way! Life goes on.

He died 4 years ago!

grief can be a prison

yes I had a friend whose father had died when he was 8. For his mother, life just stopped. No more holidays, no family photos. I don't know what she is like now, but I saw him briefly at an event recently and he alluded to it - we are both 50 now! Admittedly he was able to do things with his school and he is happily married with two children, but I think her reaction must have really affected him and his brother -way beyond the actual loss of their father.

Now the OPs DH is doing similar.

I'd wait a few days then discuss it again.
In the meantime, research some options for a shorter holiday which allow him to do both.

If the cost doesn't work then show him that and ask him to present other solutions that allow you all to have a holiday.

You have a choice whether to find an alternative or turn this into a battle.

I'm not saying this because I think he's right as he's being a shit about it.
You won't win though, if you all go on the two week holiday, will he blame you if he feels bad about missing out on the family event? I wouldn't give them the chance to lay this on you.

Have either of you spoken to your mother in law about this? Because if he was my son I wouldn't want you to cancel your holiday. Also holidays abroad with young children are probably not the best for them. They need toys, naps, entertainment and to be constantly watched. I'd sacrifice my need for abroad and book somewhere where you can have a day off in the middle to vit your MIL.

I feel sorry for DH but he’s definitely being unreasonable.

The holiday is already booked. His dads been dead for 4 years. He’s not even doing much for his dads birthday.

I would be worried this is a sign of something bigger. Did he grieve his dad’s death properly?

I would try and explain to him that you would love to celebrate his dads birthday with his mum but you’ve already promised the kids a 2 week holiday so it’s unfair to them that’s he’s putting himself first.

You’d be telling him that you are going on the holiday with or without him and you’ll take someone in his place instead.
You could even suggest taking MIL if you have a good relationship if he’s worried about leaving her alone.

Also holidays abroad with young children are probably not the best for them. They need toys, naps

Holidays in guaranteed sunshine are great for young children! I'm sure OP can find a place that meets their needs, just as tens of thousands of families do every year.

OP and her husband have saved for this holiday that HE instigated and that HE put other things aside in favour of for a long time. HE was the one most enthusiastic, and now that he has OP looking forward to it too, he's bailing. I don't know what this is all about, but no, OP doesn't have to compromise. She's already compromised on things over the last year or so in order to have this holiday that HE insisted on.

Why can't he go before he goes on holiday or when he comes back? It's a bit ridiculous to scupper a family holiday when the person being honoured is dead and won't know when it is!

He is being ridiculous. Surely he knew it was DF's birthday. I guess if it's important to him, he could stay to celebrate and you and the children could go alone.

Sorry, we wouldn't be able to afford the flight back in the middle of the holiday, budget is tight and to be honest it would still leave me alone with the kids for two, maybe three days which is not really practical either.

But you said you'd be willing to make sacrifices for the price of the holiday so surely can make this sacrifice to accommodate everyone?

36 hours on your own would be fine. Breakfast, pool, lunch, beach, tea, chill in the room and play games. Easy.

I would calmly tell him you have booked the time off as a family to take a family holiday as you haven't had one for three years at HIS insistence. The holiday time booked cannot be altered by either of you because that is the reality of both your workplaces. If he wants to do something different now, you are not ok with this.

I suspect he's being pressured by his family, but it still isn't right to try to force this upon you and then go silent because you didn't roll over. I lost my dad at an almost identical age and he would literally roll over in his grave if I forewent a long overdue family holiday with my young children so I could stand at his grave instead, especially 5 years after the fact. He would want us to live and remember him via happy stories, not continually pause our lives to make others 'happy'.

I'd be firm about the holiday: your family has earned one and you've booked the time for it. You are going. He can join you or spend it with his mother.

Can you not look at a holiday with either your mum and dad or both? That way they could help with the kids poolside or a sibling maybe? I can understand not wanting to go away with three small kids but I can well imagine my dh wanting to do something like this. I would be the one to make sure he didn't book to go on holiday at that time as my mil would want her son close. It sounds like you are going to have to make some kind of compromise as he isn't likely to change his mind so I would at least try to book somewhere in the UK now. I know it's not the kind of holiday you want but it doesn't seem he will change his mind. Going forward when you discuss a holiday abroad double check dates and book sooner rather than later. Also maybe show him this thread so he can see viewpoints that are not his own.

I don't blame him for wanting to spend the day with his mum and go graveside but considering he hasn't arranged a meal or told her of his intentions who knows what her plans are? It's the oh we will have to cancel that I don't like, why should you waste annual leave because of his ineptitude? His behaviour is selfish and I don't think he gets a free pass for grieving, at some point you have to get on with actual life.

If you haven't lost a parent you cannot have any idea of the impact.

I've lost both my parents, and I thought the world of both of them. And I think his attitude and behaviour are appalling.

Basically he is saying that the whole family, OP and DCs, have to fall down at the altar of his grief. Those saying the OP should compromise - there is absolutely no evidence that he is prepared to compromise at all. It's his way, end of.

I've never been into the idea of 'big' birthdays. As my parents said when it was their golden anniversary, if getting to 50 years is so special, why isn't getting to 51 even more special. It's only a number.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

That is absolutely absurd. He knew it would be his deceased fathers big birthday before he booked surely. I smell a rat here. I think something else is going on and this is an excuse - a massive bill, suddenly realised he can't afford the holiday plus spending money or something similar. I think FiLs birthday is an excuse especially as he has gone so over the top. You need to get to the bottom of this.

This was my first reaction... If marking it, was THAT important to surely it would be marked months/years ahead in a diary to ensure there is no possibility anyone to stuff up dates etc - my family have done this for my dead sibling... As these dates are INPORTANT in my family. I absolutely know when his 40th/50th birthday will have fallen, it is there in my diary.)

Given how it seems so impossible to move your leave /anything else that's workable... It really is going to come down to :

-Not going on holiday /going to mother's and grave.

• have much smaller holiday locally.

-you go on holiday with the kids solo.

Questions I'd want him to consider:
How important would his dad view celebrating his heavenly birthday? (only him as his son, not you and the kids).
Can your mother in law be placated by a candle in local church while you're away and then on return you'll all get together?

Is his mother aware he's letting you all down, for the sake of ONE meal/visit to grave? What does she think /feel? Does she realise that her son stuffed up the dates and as a result, ultimately her grandchildren will massively lose out?

I would be seriously question my relationship of this happened with me.

Go away with the kids without him. He is being utterly ridiculous and sounds very unpleasant.

Why cant you all go away and he flies back for a day or two. It's just one flight so wouldnt be that expensive - and he gets to be there and with the kids. I sort of dont get why this is a fight. He can do both and you get to have your holiday.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

That is absolutely absurd. He knew it would be his deceased fathers big birthday before he booked surely. I smell a rat here. I think something else is going on and this is an excuse - a massive bill, suddenly realised he can't afford the holiday plus spending money or something similar. I think FiLs birthday is an excuse especially as he has gone so over the top. You need to get to the bottom of this.

Agree with this - it is such a weird reaction. Especially the date of his father's birthday could hardly have come as a surprise. I would be suspicious that he was covering up the fact that he had realised he couldnt afford the big holiday after all.

@Momicrone

He died 4 years ago!

I may be over-sensitive today because it’s the first anniversary of my dad’s death today but I am saddened by the minimising of grief on this thread. Grieving for someone isn’t tidy, doesn’t always look rational and can’t be timetabled. I bumble along with a background sadness but every now and again it hits me like a ten tonne truck; today is one of those days, my dad’s birthday was another of those days. I keep it to myself and I do all the things I’m supposed to do but it seeps out in the form of irritability or being rigid about things. I don’t talk about it because no one is interested. Suddenly some things really matter that perhaps shouldn’t. I can’t guarantee that in three years time I won’t feel the same at times. @Celtic1hair I suspect your DH is struggling much more than perhaps he’s let on or even realises.

However, I agree that putting life on hold isn’t going to help anyone and certainly not him and I wonder, as other posters have, if he’s conflicted and being pressured in some way by his DM? Or has just put himself under pressure to perform in a certain way. He would be much better off to enjoy a holiday and just have some space that day and not put life on hold. I know I’ve felt torn in two by my family needing me day to day and my DM needing me because she’s barely functioning. I’ve felt very under pressure trying to cover all the bases. I just wonder if he is struggling much more than you realise, because he hasn’t communicated it well?

I’m not sure what the answer is but perhaps, as others have suggested, he needs help so he can communicate better and develop a healthier approach to managing his sadness.

Grieving for someone isn’t tidy, doesn’t always look rational and can’t be timetabled.

This is the most sensible thing that has been said on this thread.

Everyone reacts differently. Every death is different. And everyone's relationship to whoever died is different.

As is your DH wanting to support his mother. Perhaps he sees her as more 'needy' at the mo than you are your children? But you need to talk about this and suggest some counselling. Rather than moan about not getting 'your holiday'.

I think it's ridiculous to cancel plans for a much needed family holiday to be at the graveside of someone who has been dead for 4 years. And yes, I have lost both my parents. My mum died two weeks ago. And even at this short time since her death I put the needs of my living family first

Go on the holiday and if he wants to come home for his df's birthday, he can.

This is so hard. My initial response is that of course he is being unreasonable. He doesn't seem to have any empathy for how this might affect you, and I'm sure your FIL wouldn't want the kids missing out on any fun for him. However, my view is probably coloured by the fact that like you I have both parents and DH has lost his dad, and my DH never marks significant days or visits the grave (not because he doesn't greave or live his dad, but because that's just not how he wants to grieve).

It's understandable that your DH does want to mark the day, and I suspect he's reacting so strongly because he feels bad he didn't notice the dates clashed at first.

However, I think because you are understandably annoyed and disappointed, you are also reacting too negatively to suggestions of a compromise. You say you wanted 2 weeks and weekend flights are too expensive, but if your leave week are that set in stone wouldn't you have to have flown on a weekend to get 2 weeks? And even if not, if you can afford 2 weeks, you can definitely afford 1 week flying in a Saturday. Depending where they live could you even look to fly from an airport close to MIL to help? Might he be ok with going to the grave near the birthday but not exact day once he's calmed down? 2 weeks with small kids might seem too much anyway to be honest!

Ultimately I do think he's being ridiculous and thoughtless, but to be sensitive to his grief perhaps you need to try and find solutions for doing both (but also have a serious talk about how suffering a loss 4 years ago doesn't give him the right to disregard your feelings and plans forever!)