Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

[Celtic1hair]

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable (apart from the yelling and storming off, which is never acceptable).

You know his character and we don't. If he genuinely is normally a selfless and caring father and partner then I would consider his lack of flexibility and overreaction to be a sign of how conflicted/upset/stuck in the middle he feels. And I would try and find a way to work together to support him in coming to an option that works for him and the rest of your family, rather than an attitude of he's ruined it all and it's not worth doing anything if it's not the 10 days on the beach you had planned.

The 'life is for the living, you should be prioritising your family over his extended relatives' responses don't seem very kind or sensitive. We all want to grieve in a way which is lauded for being positive and uplifting and 'what they would have wanted'. Unfortunately it's sometimes not like that. It's also incredibly difficult and stressful to feel torn in who you need to support. This is his mother, who you say he feels guilty about not seeing as much as he wants to.

I'd try and take the heat out of it if you can. Try and get to the bottom of why he feels he needs to go to the grave - is it that he needs to be with that family unit on the day who also feel the loss, is it that he feels he needs to support his mother. And then work out how there is a way you can both get part of what you want. What would he suggest as an alternative holiday wise if you don't do the two weeks? Could he talk to his mother and do a celebration for his father on another day?

It sounds like it's something he really wants the holiday if he's encouraged you to sacrifice other things for it, so there might be some way he could do a quick flying visit/ you do 6 days abroad and then a UK few days post his parents. But one/both of you are going to have to flex - try encouraging him to approach it as a problem for you to figure out together rather than a conflict.

Ok so if Sunday of second week why can’t you go away sat to sat first week

He’s drives to mil, assume not hours away

Then mon to fri you either go away in Uk or have day trips to beach cinema zoo park etc

I do think he's being a bit OTT about it, but I guess each to their own. I don't grieve my father's death like that, because I know he wouldn't want me to, but everyone is different.
It's still a holiday if you find somewhere to go in the UK. Can still do something together, that's what counts. I do get you'd somewhat got your sights on overseas and guaranteed nice weather. Can you maybe take the kids on a holiday with a relative of yours to help out at some other time in the year? Spain is still lovely in October.

@TatianaBis

Is there a reason he can’t get a flight back for the night.?

This is the only suggestion that OP hasn't out and out rejected and has been suggested by a few people so I hope it's something she's going to suggest to him.

Possibly beside the point but my Dad would be absolutely livid if I ruined a longed for family holiday to commemorate his birthday after he was dead.

If it meant so much to him why didn't he remember when booking time off, looking at holidays?

What is he normally like ? If he's usually lovely, then he may still be suffering quite badly from the loss of his father and not communicating this very well. I was quite awful to be around for years after my dad passed away, the grief changed me.

Having thought about it, he is much more unreasonable then I had previously thought. I would insist on his starting therapy (and actually going) if he is leaving you in the position that you all need to give up your hols for his grief for a day he forgot about. Really insist that he goes if his grief is such that this is the consequence.

Means you can call him out on his suggestion you are not being a loving wife as well.

Think the holiday is shot as he will be such an arsehole about it. Personally I would be angry about this for some time given that you won’t get the special time back with your children whilst they are small. The years are so short! Don’t agree with PPs minimising holidays for LOs. I would try and find a way to go away without him because that is too precious to me but appreciate you say you can’t. You could take them somewhere else without a pool at a different time of the year - without your DH.

I'll stick my neck out and say exactly what I think. OP's DH is being totally unreasonable. The arrangements for his deceased father's 70th have not even been finalised, he has been dead for 4 years and no one could honesty believe that his father would have wanted the family to go without this holiday for him to go to the grave and wallow in grief. he should face up to his responsibilities as a husband and a father and as he - yes - he agreed to the holiday and took leave for it he should attend. Have my first LTB OP. I speak as someone who lost thier father to a horrid cancer at 63 and their mother more recently , so no strangeer to this scenario.

Sorry, we wouldn't be able to afford the flight back in the middle of the holiday, budget is tight and to be honest it would still leave me alone with the kids for two, maybe three days which is not really practical either.
Thank you for all of your kind responses, it's really given me lots of perspective which is so needed as I do want to support him, but it's hard to know where to draw a line. Its also highlighted to me that we cannot continue with this blind spot regarding his family, waiting for a fuse to light if they are mentioned. Its unhealthy and unfair on us both.
The last thing I want is to be selfish or inconsiderate, and I'm thankful I don't have my own experience to fall back on. The thing is, I feel that grief can be a prison and as much as I want to help him, I can't be painted as the arsehole for saying he's unreasonable so Im really glad so many of you have taken the time to reply!

i think hes being massively unresonable , to fuck up a two week planned holiday to spend a day visiting a grave is to me ridiculous , i mean surely theres some other time he can go on his own to his mums and visit the graveyard for the one day . this sounds harsh but the dad was a grown adult , not a child that has passed on , its not like hes here to fuss about the fact his son has forgotton his milestone birthday

id be considering taking the kids on my own on holiday and leaving him to rattle about for two weeks on his own if he refuses to budge as its not like this hadnt been carefully planned out

@ExConstance

I'll stick my neck out and say exactly what I think. OP's DH is being totally unreasonable. The arrangements for his deceased father's 70th have not even been finalised, he has been dead for 4 years and no one could honesty believe that his father would have wanted the family to go without this holiday for him to go to the grave and wallow in grief. he should face up to his responsibilities as a husband and a father and as he - yes - he agreed to the holiday and took leave for it he should attend. Have my first LTB OP. I speak as someone who lost thier father to a horrid cancer at 63 and their mother more recently , so no strangeer to this scenario.

Thanks! I think the thing I was struggling with was that I am so convinced I have nothing to feel wrong about I was starting to doubt myself, as if I'm missing something obvious and so rightous in myself I'm blinkered! And I won't even begin to say how furious I am at his reaction to the whole thing, 24 hours later I still haven't calmed down!

If you haven't lost a parent you cannot have any idea of the impact.

I have lost both of my parents. One just after my birthday and one just before Christmas. I had a great relationship with both of them, and yes I was sad, but you just can't spent the rest of your life grieving. To continue to grieve for parents you have lost for many years afterwards is just not healthy.

It is over 30 years since they died. I just think of them with nostalgia now, not sadness.

Go on the holiday and on the anniversary have a nice meal in memory of his df

Yes you are correct, it's like something has flipped inside him, he's lost all sense of perspective and reason and it's seeping out to the way he reacts to the rest of his family.

If you don't want to go on holiday without him, is there someone else who would go with you? Friend or family?

I don't see why you and DC should miss out just because he's being so inflexible.

@MintyGreenDream

Go on the holiday and on the anniversary have a nice meal in memory of his df

Absolutely I'd love to do something like this for him, I'd always try and mark the occasion in a way my husband would feel appropriate.

There will be something else going on with him. This argument seems engineered, by him. He suggests holiday, pushes for it, gets you and the kids excited for it and then casually takes it away.

Eyes open time @Celtic1hair have a good look at everything else going on with him. There will be some other reason he's setting you up to look like a baddie, engineering a row. He's taking something out on you.

I’ve lost both my parents , I lost my dad when I was 23 and I think your husband is being completely unreasonable - life is for the living and his father can be remembered fondly from anywhere in the world .

@BrightonBunny

If you don't want to go on holiday without him, is there someone else who would go with you? Friend or family?

I don't see why you and DC should miss out just because he's being so inflexible.

Absolutely I would ask my parents, and I'm sure they would love to of they could do so financially. But if it comes to that I think its not something I could forgive him for, or respect him for going forward, which I suppose frightens me.

I wonder if he feels bad for not realising earlier that it was his dad's birthday? Dates like that often automatically ping in people's heads. He might even have felt guilty like he's starting to forget about him and is over- compensating. Did they mark other past birthdays?
Whatever the reason I think he might not be good company over those days on the holiday if you did change his mind and go.

I don't think you are BU btw.

"we cannot continue with this blind spot regarding his family, waiting for a fuse to light if they are mentioned. Its unhealthy and unfair on us both."

Absolutely this. From what you've told us, this issue is about much more than "just" the holiday/birthday clash. Your DH's strong reactions don't really make sense. If I had to guess I'd say there is probably some dysfunction in his family that has affected him deeply since childhood and is still affecting him now. If they are poor communicators that obviously affects his difficulty in communicating effectively now.

I've said it already and I'll say it again. You need couple's therapy.

He’s being unreasonable. I say this as someone whose dad died at 62 and recently should be celebrating his 70th but obviously isn’t. He stuffed up with the dates so he needs to make it work, rather than flouncing and pushing it onto you. He sounds childish and selfish. Like you lm desperate for a holiday after years of work and not enough down time

@OrangeBlossomsinthesun

You can go away for a week Saturday to Saturday and he can do what he wants on the Sunday. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. A week away is a perfectly good holiday.

For this year, this is what I would do. I expect in the business of life the significance of the dates you had booked leave for hadn't occurred to him, and maybe his mum or sibling mentioned all being together for the milestone birthday and he suddenly realised.

I think you are digging your heels in for the two weeks because it was your expectation. Life gets in the way of well-laid plans and compromises have to be found. The above suggestion is a compromise.

On Sunday all the family can get together and the following week you can travel again to a UK holiday spot. Fly back home to the airport closest to where your husband's family live if necessary.

@AnotherEmma

"we cannot continue with this blind spot regarding his family, waiting for a fuse to light if they are mentioned. Its unhealthy and unfair on us both."

Absolutely this. From what you've told us, this issue is about much more than "just" the holiday/birthday clash. Your DH's strong reactions don't really make sense. If I had to guess I'd say there is probably some dysfunction in his family that has affected him deeply since childhood and is still affecting him now. If they are poor communicators that obviously affects his difficulty in communicating effectively now.

I've said it already and I'll say it again. You need couple's therapy.

I agree, it is something I'm going to arrange. We should be able to raise issues and concerns in a healthy, helpful way.