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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

602 replies

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

OP posts:
BeHappy91818 · 21/03/2022 16:25

@HyggeTygge

You could go on your own.. but you don’t want to.

OP is not at all unreasonable to not want to go on a foreign holiday with 3 small children on her own. I'd be bloody pissed off tbh.

She's explained why she can't do a week - you may have unlimited cash but not everyone does (as seems to need pointing out on MN daily).

But going for 1 week would be cheaper then 2 Confused so the money you save on spending money, hotel etc would counteract any flights being a bit more expensive.

And she could go abroad with 3 kids on her own. Plenty do and so have I. She’s making the choice that she doesn’t want to and that’s fine but it’s still a choice she is making.

Momicrone · 21/03/2022 16:25

I also don't see the big deal about so called landmark birthdays after someone has died.

HyggeTygge · 21/03/2022 16:25

Yeah I agree you'll all have a crap time if he feels he's being forced to do what he originally suggested....
Ultimately you'll have to let him have this one but ideally, work together to try and make the most of the rest of the time off - UK break would probably even if you have to leave a day early or something.

I don't think he's being very reasonable but you can't change what he wants to do, unfortunately. Can you cancel the rest of the leave once you've booked an alternative? and use it to do something by yourself in peace

BeHappy91818 · 21/03/2022 16:27

@Celtic1hair

I can't take three small children on my own, it's unsafe around the pool etc, I've addressed that. Going for a week isn't ideal, two days travelling and even if we managed to find something Saturday to Saturday we would have to travel immediately after the flight to his family over 200 miles away, with trying to organise us whilst working full time until the day before travelling. I absolutely would do this, but we aren't guaranteed that these would be the dates within our budget. And yes, WE do want to go abroad, guaranteed sunshine with the budget already accounted for as it's all inclusive. This is what WE decided on and have been planning. And yes it is cancelling it, we were going but now we aren't regardless of whether the booking was made. And as I've already said, all compromise ideas have come from this chat, not my DH.
Your WE is now I as your DH doesn’t want to do it anymore. He would like to grieve for his father and he’s not unreasonable.

So it’s now I want to go abroad.

Crikeyalmighty · 21/03/2022 16:28

Thing is whilst the thought is nice and without wishing to sound callous— it all seems a bit OTT to me for someone who is no longer around to appreciate it- the kind of thing he could catch up with his mum on when he’s back , raise a glass and visit the grave with her. It isn’t time dependent. It isn’t that he will ever forget or not care— surely it’s more important to celebrate life with his family and go on holiday. Is he putting this pressure on himself or if he is very family minded has someone put pressure on him?

HyggeTygge · 21/03/2022 16:29

And she could go abroad with 3 kids on her own. Plenty do and so have I. She’s making the choice that she doesn’t want to and that’s fine but it’s still a choice she is making.

It's not an unreasonable choice though. Both options are not equally attractive and one (ime) would be worse than doing nothing.

But going for 1 week would be cheaper then 2 confused so the money you save on spending money, hotel etc would counteract any flights being a bit more expensive
The maths don't always work like that, and she's explained why a full week would not be possible.

Namelessnancy · 21/03/2022 16:30

Why does it have to be the exact day? People often get together to commemorate dates at a convenient time near the actual date rather than necessarily on it.

I'd be horrified to think that if either DH or I died our kids would sacrifice something like a family holiday, years later, on our account. I've lost both of my parents and know they would have felt the same.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 21/03/2022 16:31

Your WE is now I as your DH doesn’t want to do it anymore. He would like to grieve for his father and he’s not unreasonable.

Of course he's unreasonable. It's been 4 years. Can't be that grief stricken if he forgot the date of his father's birthday when stating that there was 'nothing more important' than he, OP, and three kids going away on holiday.

BeHappy91818 · 21/03/2022 16:31

@HyggeTygge

And she could go abroad with 3 kids on her own. Plenty do and so have I. She’s making the choice that she doesn’t want to and that’s fine but it’s still a choice she is making.

It's not an unreasonable choice though. Both options are not equally attractive and one (ime) would be worse than doing nothing.

But going for 1 week would be cheaper then 2 confused so the money you save on spending money, hotel etc would counteract any flights being a bit more expensive
The maths don't always work like that, and she's explained why a full week would not be possible.

Well it can work out like that if you book a holiday that works like that. They haven’t booked anything so no reason they can’t book something like that.
LittleOwl153 · 21/03/2022 16:32

How likely is it that you will get the same 2 weeks off next year? I know this is not always easy and it sounds from your first post that this was a bonus rather than expected?

Given that there is no real compromise this year (it is either 2 week holiday or grave visiting) IF you think there is a reasonable chance of getting leave together next year then I would agree to change the holiday either to UK so he can visit, or less than 2 weeks - on the condition that he gets some grief counselling and perhaps some joint marriage counselling and that the holiday is booked for next year - with no compromise on dates.

If you do not think you will get the leave again then I would look at the holiday you planned. Take your parents or someone else if you need help with the kids and get away. Let him know you are planning on doing it and why. He can make his own choices.

If you finish up going away without him I would expect him to shorten his summer leave and take the time in other school holidays to spend time with the children.

Phobiaphobic · 21/03/2022 16:33

@Celtic1hair

If Saturday to Saturday is an option of course we would do that, but our budget is tight and if weekday to weekday is cheaper we can't afford to take the expensive option. Also hoped to go for at least 10 days if not two weeks. I'm happy to do something at some point with his family of they chose to, of course. Its just the complete lockdown of him, he did suggest "maybe you can take the kids then" which is what I can't believe. I'm honestly shell shocked, he will prioritise this over our family and still paint me as the uncaring, unsupportive one. I just feel his perspective is so skewed no amount of discussion can resolve this until he understands that? Bit it's like talking to a wall, or a childish toddler who stomps off. I was starting to doubt myself in believing I was completely unreasonable and spoilt for wanting a family holiday we had been looking forward to
I've encountered this kind of male behaviour before, and honestly, the only solution I've ever found is to get properly, righteously furious. You are being bullied, and the only solution to bullies is to stand up to them and make them regret ever trying it on.
DisforDarkChocolate · 21/03/2022 16:33

In this case I'd holiday without him.

It would have been my Mam's birthday yesterday, I'll always miss her. She would have wanted me to go on a holiday, she'd have been annoyed if I planned what your husband wants to to. Life is for the living not to be spent holding on to the past. How many more big birthdays are going to be mourned in this way? There are a lot of them once you get past 60!

BeHappy91818 · 21/03/2022 16:34

@MurderAtTheBeautyPageant

Your WE is now I as your DH doesn’t want to do it anymore. He would like to grieve for his father and he’s not unreasonable.

Of course he's unreasonable. It's been 4 years. Can't be that grief stricken if he forgot the date of his father's birthday when stating that there was 'nothing more important' than he, OP, and three kids going away on holiday.

And who are you to decide how other people should grieve for a loved one? It’s clearly important to him and a compromise could be had but it’s not what the OP wants.

The kids are so young they will not care if they go away in the UK or if they go away abroad.

dfendyr · 21/03/2022 16:35

so why cant he fly back for the day to spend it with his mother?

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 21/03/2022 16:35

You can perfectly well go abroad all inclusive Saturday to Saturday. He can drive to see his mother and visit the grave the next day, you don't even need to go. You could even go somewhere else in the UK for a few days the following week.

Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 16:36

Yes that's the point of the thread, I'm asking whether he or I are being unreasonable that the plans we have made together have now got to change.

OP posts:
MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 21/03/2022 16:36

And who are you to decide how other people should grieve for a loved one? It’s clearly important to him and a compromise could be had but it’s not what the OP wants.

Fascinating. But if his father's birthday is so important why didn't he raise this in the months he'd been talking about going on this much longed for (by him) holiday?

Very peculiar behaviour.

Scianel · 21/03/2022 16:37

And who are you to decide how other people should grieve for a loved one?

Because the world doesn't stop. Just because you're bereaved doesn't mean your wishes then always take precedence over those of your spouse, especially not four years down the line.
People can grieve how they want but if it negatively affects those closest to them then they cannot expect endless indulgence.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 21/03/2022 16:38

OP, do you have any single parent friends who you could holiday with? That's the kind of compromise I'd be looking at.

BeHappy91818 · 21/03/2022 16:38

Nothing has been booked so nothing is being cancelled.

Either way Iv stated I do not think the OPs husband is unreasonable and on that note I’m off and won’t be replying to everyone now who constantly quotes me. Iv gave my opinion like everyone else has and no one else has to agree with it. It doesn’t make my opinion wrong.

BeHappy91818 · 21/03/2022 16:38

@Scianel

And who are you to decide how other people should grieve for a loved one?

Because the world doesn't stop. Just because you're bereaved doesn't mean your wishes then always take precedence over those of your spouse, especially not four years down the line.
People can grieve how they want but if it negatively affects those closest to them then they cannot expect endless indulgence.

Of course it doesn’t.

So compromise and go for a week or holiday in the UK.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 21/03/2022 16:39

@BeHappy91818

Nothing has been booked so nothing is being cancelled.

Either way Iv stated I do not think the OPs husband is unreasonable and on that note I’m off and won’t be replying to everyone now who constantly quotes me. Iv gave my opinion like everyone else has and no one else has to agree with it. It doesn’t make my opinion wrong.

Bye bye.
Vanderpump · 21/03/2022 16:41

@Celtic1hair

Yes that's the point of the thread, I'm asking whether he or I are being unreasonable that the plans we have made together have now got to change.
You are not being unreasonable
TatianaBis · 21/03/2022 16:41

Is there a reason he can’t get a flight back for the night.?

notacooldad · 21/03/2022 16:43

You are not being unreasonable
Some may disagree.
Others may say it depends.