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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

602 replies

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 21/03/2022 15:58

@Celtic1hair

There's nothing planned. He just wants to visit his mother and the grave on the day.
I would want to do the same too
fayebebaby · 21/03/2022 15:59

Do you mark the anniversary every year ?

balalake · 21/03/2022 16:01

It cannot have just occurred to him that the holiday dates were those of what would have been his dad's birthday. It should never have got as far as booking or planning any holiday.

Vanderpump · 21/03/2022 16:01

If his fathers birthday had been so important to him then he wouldn't have booked that particular fortnight for a holiday in the first place

HellToTheNope · 21/03/2022 16:01

Your husband is choosing to celebrate a dead man's birthday over having a wonderful time with his wife and children who are still alive. Absolute madness and shockingly selfish.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 21/03/2022 16:04

He honestly is the loveliest man, we are always his priority, great dad in every way, engaged with the kids, fully responsible. Its just whenever it comes to his family he seems to have lost all sense of perspective.

Maybe he’s that kind of husband and father because of his dad..,

Scianel · 21/03/2022 16:05

I would want to do the same too

Every single year?

Ourlady · 21/03/2022 16:07

@Vanderpump

If his fathers birthday had been so important to him then he wouldn't have booked that particular fortnight for a holiday in the first place
I totally agree. If he is so invested in the date of his father passing then it would be ingrained in his memory and he would have realised the date when booking the time off.
Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 16:08

@WalkingOnTheCracks

He honestly is the loveliest man, we are always his priority, great dad in every way, engaged with the kids, fully responsible. Its just whenever it comes to his family he seems to have lost all sense of perspective.

Maybe he’s that kind of husband and father because of his dad..,

Absolutely he is, his father was a lovely man who is and always will be very missed
OP posts:
EishetChayil · 21/03/2022 16:09

Life is for the living, not the dead. He needs to move on. I can't bear this kind of mawkishness.

Momicrone · 21/03/2022 16:10

I'm surprised the mil isn't trying to convince him to go on the holiday

Clymene · 21/03/2022 16:12

Wouldn't his dad prefer him to be spending his precious holiday with his kids?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 21/03/2022 16:13

@AnnesBrokenSlate

I think you are both BU. He shouldn't have stormed out of the car but you have said you weren't bothered about a holiday but suddenly when the details may have to change, you have very firm ideas about it ie it has to be abroad, all inclusive on a beach for at least 10 days. Notwithstanding that sounds like a rubbish holiday with three small children

Grief isn't linear. I'd support my DP in any way they wanted. And rather than creating a flashpoint and drama, I'd look at ways to make it work so he could see his DM and mark the anniversary and we could have a holiday. None of this is unsurmountable. . . unless you want it to be.

This!!
Beekindbeehumble · 21/03/2022 16:13

Hope it works out. I would ensure no other annual leave days are taken around his father’s birthday, or the day he died in future.

Great he had such a good relationship with his father. Hope whatever you do as a family, it will build the same happy memories for your children with their father.

BoredZelda · 21/03/2022 16:14

I think you're very unreasonable to prioritise anything over him being able to go to his father's grave on such a milestone day personally. Holidays can be had any time.

If the birthday fell on a Tuesday, they’d go the weekend before. The occasion can still be an occasion without it being on the actual day. DH doesn’t need to be graveside to remember and honour his father. This is simply a case of clashing of arrangements. Not sure why his take priority over the family, especially when it’s his error.

BeHappy91818 · 21/03/2022 16:15

@2022HereWeCome

OP I think you should compromise this year because:
  • your DH is telling you it is a big deal for him
  • it is a special occasion in his head
  • I suspect he hasn't been able to see his family as much as he would've liked over the last couple of years because of covid if they live away
  • a beach holiday isn't going to go away - it is something that can be done next year instead
  • you have young children who actually won't give a shit about an all-inclusive beach holiday. IME my don't mind where they go on holiday as long as there is a playpark, something fun to do and a swimming pool.
  • DC who's 8 now has absolutely no recollection of holidays we took him on when he was 4-6 (albeit UK)
  • this is coming across as being more about what you want tbh.
  • you seem to want to make this into a fight rather than exploring how you can make this work eg is there an option to take only a week's leave now for a UK and take another week later in the year (October) to go abroad.

If you had actually booked a holiday abroad already and was about to lose money I would say YANBU but given that nothing is booked / paid for I think YABU

I fully agree with this.

You keep saying about ‘cancelling a family holiday’ but you don’t have anything booked so you aren’t cancelling anything.

You could do a week… but you don’t want to.
You could go on your own.. but you don’t want to.
You could do a UK break… but you don’t want to.

You are clearly not willing to compromise at all.

HikingforScenery · 21/03/2022 16:17

I’m with your husband on this one. It’s a shame he left it late but I do understand him wanting to mark his dad’s birthday. Could you rebook by any chance?

Momicrone · 21/03/2022 16:17

Nor is the dh

Momicrone · 21/03/2022 16:19

He can mark his dad's birthday without going to a gravestone

Chloemol · 21/03/2022 16:20

Surely he would remember the day his dad died? Or even the month and think twice before booking a holiday

Sound to me as if mil has got to him

Ok fil would have been 70, but would fil want to see his children being sad on the day he passed, or out there having fun and making memories for his grandchildren

Perhaps one for your dh to answer

HyggeTygge · 21/03/2022 16:21

You could go on your own.. but you don’t want to.

OP is not at all unreasonable to not want to go on a foreign holiday with 3 small children on her own. I'd be bloody pissed off tbh.

She's explained why she can't do a week - you may have unlimited cash but not everyone does (as seems to need pointing out on MN daily).

gamerchick · 21/03/2022 16:22

Ultimately you have a choice. Go away with the kids on your own or book a couple of mini breaks.

Send him off to do what he's planning. It just might be something he needs to do. You don't have to go but I wouldn't be wasting annual leave if I could go away somewhere.

Forcing his hand now will make for a tense holiday.

TheUndoingProject · 21/03/2022 16:23

By beloved fathered died last year, and whilst of course everyone grieves differently I can’t imagine behaving like your DH is doing.

I suspect he feels guilty for having forgotten that it is his father’s 70th and is lashing out. Hopefully once he’s had time to calm down he’ll realise that sacrificing a family holiday when he can think of his father wherever he is is a bit daft.

Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 16:24

I can't take three small children on my own, it's unsafe around the pool etc, I've addressed that. Going for a week isn't ideal, two days travelling and even if we managed to find something Saturday to Saturday we would have to travel immediately after the flight to his family over 200 miles away, with trying to organise us whilst working full time until the day before travelling. I absolutely would do this, but we aren't guaranteed that these would be the dates within our budget. And yes, WE do want to go abroad, guaranteed sunshine with the budget already accounted for as it's all inclusive. This is what WE decided on and have been planning. And yes it is cancelling it, we were going but now we aren't regardless of whether the booking was made. And as I've already said, all compromise ideas have come from this chat, not my DH.

OP posts:
zingally · 21/03/2022 16:25

You are both being a bit unreasonable. You need to find a way to meet in the middle.

To be honest, when it comes to losing a parent (and having to deal with the one left behind), grief can be messy and complicated AF. And I don't think people understand that, until it happens to them.

My dad died completely unexpectedly 4 years ago in September, and every anniversary relating to him (his passing and his birthday), I make a special point to do something that he would have enjoyed. Last September for instance, I got a takeaway curry - something he'd have thought was a proper luxury!

Give your DH a week or so to calm down, and then try and have a sensible discussion about how you're going to deal with this conflict of dates in a way that BOTH of you are reasonably satisfied. You should be able to get a holiday or some sort, and he should be able to honour his dad in a way that is meaningful to him.

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