Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

[Celtic1hair]

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

I don't think you should have to compromise OP. If it really mattered to him he would not have booked a holiday over the day of the birthday. Is his mother leaning on him to spend the day with her?

OP I think you should compromise this year because:

• your DH is telling you it is a big deal for him
• it is a special occasion in his head
• I suspect he hasn't been able to see his family as much as he would've liked over the last couple of years because of covid if they live away
• a beach holiday isn't going to go away - it is something that can be done next year instead
• you have young children who actually won't give a shit about an all-inclusive beach holiday. IME my don't mind where they go on holiday as long as there is a playpark, something fun to do and a swimming pool.
• DC who's 8 now has absolutely no recollection of holidays we took him on when he was 4-6 (albeit UK)
• this is coming across as being more about what you want tbh.
• you seem to want to make this into a fight rather than exploring how you can make this work eg is there an option to take only a week's leave now for a UK and take another week later in the year (October) to go abroad.

If you had actually booked a holiday abroad already and was about to lose money I would say YANBU but given that nothing is booked / paid for I think YABU

@Headabovetheparakeet

I'm lucky enough to have both of my parents and he hopes he is more supportive when that time will come (hopefully in the very far future).

Has he actually said that to you? If so, I think he's been totally unreasonable. Grief isn't a game of top trumps and I say that as someone who has lost both my parents.

Yes. Usually if I'm saying something he doesn't agree with regards his family. The thing is, I don't say anything out of spite or nastiness, but as his wife it's surely my place to try and help him stop unhealthy behaviour and I owe it to my children to stop him making shitty decisions as a father that will affect them, and him when he realises (hopefully)

@Celtic1hair I have lost both parents, my father at a similar age to your DH, and I think he's being an absolute arse about this.
There is no way on earth I'd bin off a holiday to go and be maudlin about a birthday that the dear departed is going to be none the wiser of.

Add to that the anger and emotional manipulation and frankly it's not good. It's not like it's a recent bereavment either. Parents dying is one of life's rites of passage, and of course people are still sad on occassion afterwards it's something that they need to do on their own time, not at the expense of their own small children.

I'm brutally unsentimental about this stuff though, I even get irritated at people's "Happy heavenly birthday" parents posts on fb - it's not like the parent in question is likely to be scrolling their news feed so it's purely performative.

Wow, how ridiculous to want to cancel a family holiday to stand at a grave. And I say this as someone who lost my mum (who I was very close with) 2 years ago. But being on holiday with my family and raising a glass to her whilst there is very much what she would prefer I do than cancel a whole family holiday to stand beside her grave for half an hour! I hope you’re DH comes around and sees how ridiculous he’s being OP, I don’t think you should have to compromise on the length or destination of your holiday for this.

I suspect @Celtic1hair that when he mentioned to his family about going away on holiday to celebrate this milestone birthday, they most probably been critical of it and made him feel guilty. Which has resulted in his visceral reaction.

Personally, either he should of planned the leave before/after this date or he says “Mum, I’ll come and visit you when we get back to mark his birthday”.

It isn't a big deal for him though. It wasn't a big deal last week.

He forgot that it was his dad's birthday but doesn't want to admit that to his mother. So he's throwing all the blame at the OP rather than having the guts to say to his mum that he has a holiday booked with his family and, as a father, he's sure his dad would prefer him to remember him by being the best dad he can to his children. So prioritising them and their happiness. And that of his wife.

You can both have a drink to his dad on holiday

@REignbow

I agree. I think he forgot and doesn't want to look bad so he's decided to make you look bad instead.

If you had suggested those dates and he had refused because of the birthday then that would have been reasonable but booking them and then deciding afterwards that you can't go is not ok.

@2022HereWeCome

OP I think you should compromise this year because:

• your DH is telling you it is a big deal for him
• it is a special occasion in his head
• I suspect he hasn't been able to see his family as much as he would've liked over the last couple of years because of covid if they live away
• a beach holiday isn't going to go away - it is something that can be done next year instead
• you have young children who actually won't give a shit about an all-inclusive beach holiday. IME my don't mind where they go on holiday as long as there is a playpark, something fun to do and a swimming pool.
• DC who's 8 now has absolutely no recollection of holidays we took him on when he was 4-6 (albeit UK)
• this is coming across as being more about what you want tbh.
• you seem to want to make this into a fight rather than exploring how you can make this work eg is there an option to take only a week's leave now for a UK and take another week later in the year (October) to go abroad.

If you had actually booked a holiday abroad already and was about to lose money I would say YANBU but given that nothing is booked / paid for I think YABU

Thank you for your perspective and taking the time to reply. Yes I agree, I really do want to go away, but as a family like he does. Yes it is a big deal to him, and I'll always try and support him but I'm struggling because it's at the cost of me and the kids, and our opinions obviously differ. I certainly don't want to argue with him about it, for the main reason I don't want to say something in anger which can't be unsaid or unfelt. And the only people who have suggested compromise are you guys here....not him and that's what's irritating; it's been a complete stop because he needs to grieve in this way.

I lost my dad a couple of years prior to his 80th, he loved a big birthday bash and I remember thinking about him on his birthday and mentioning it to dh, but personally didn't feel the need to mark the 80th that never was and did visit mum that day (it was a day I would have been there anyway).

Losing a parent aged 65, just reaching retirement age, is relatively young nowadays which might make it much harder for him. I know dh struggled losing his parents in their 60s as he thought he would have had much longer with them still here.

Sounds like he is either struggling with his dad not being there for his 70th and wants to be close to his family or concerned about his mum. It is a shame it has blown up into an argument instead of listening to each other and seeing what compromises could be found. You both need to find a way to get out of battle mode, reset the discussion and talk it through more amicably.

*I owe it to my children to stop him making shitty decisions as a father(

But he is not allowed to grieve for HIS father?

Surely you can see the irony of this?

Sorry if you don't get the holiday YOU want. Could you suggest a compromise which includes going to see the grave/being with his Mum for some of it? Having a holiday near his Mum instead?

If you haven't lost a parent you cannot have any idea of the impact.

Yes. Usually if I'm saying something he doesn't agree with regards his family. The thing is, I don't say anything out of spite or nastiness, but as his wife it's surely my place to try and help him stop unhealthy behaviour and I owe it to my children to stop him making shitty decisions as a father that will affect them, and him when he realises (hopefully)

Grief is complex and affects people differently but it isn't a competition and it isn't a stick you can use to beat your partner with. Has he considered some therapy?

You say he's a great husband but this makes it sound like he isn't, it does he just have one enormous blind spot with this?

I would try talking to him again in a few days when he's had a chance to reflect and calm down. I think his reaction is telling, I suspect he knows he is being unreasonable but it's being overridden by guilt.

OP, over the years I've had to compromise many times with DH and what is important is that it cuts both ways. I do wonder if your MiL is guilt-tripping your DH in which case he will feel between a rock and a hard place. I would try to find a workable solution and present that. If he isn't willing to compromise - all bets are off

YANBU. Losing a parent as an adult is sad, but it’s the natural order of things. Also - I have never heard of marking a birthday? An anniversary yes. But leaving my opinion aside - why did he mention the holiday in the first place if he can’t go? It’s odd

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

*I owe it to my children to stop him making shitty decisions as a father(

But he is not allowed to grieve for HIS father?

Surely you can see the irony of this?

Sorry if you don't get the holiday YOU want. Could you suggest a compromise which includes going to see the grave/being with his Mum for some of it? Having a holiday near his Mum instead?

If you haven't lost a parent you cannot have any idea of the impact.

No I can't, which is why I came here for advice. He is of course allowed to grieve his father, and he always will, but cancelling a family holiday so his children miss out, take me out of it? Is that healthy or appropriate?

@Celtic1hair

There's nothing planned. He just wants to visit his mother and the grave on the day.

For some reason, it seems he feels a need to be supported or to support his dm. Maybe figure out why?

He may even feel guilty. Going away for fun and games around the anniversary may seem, to him, unseemly.

A few gentle probing chats could help you two meet in the middle rather than leaving the bastard and hating mil. Just sayin'!

My mother, father and brother are all dead. I do not remember the dates they died or their birthdays. I Deliberately forgot so I am not forced to be miserable on these days.
Obviously I miss them but I can think about them all the time not wallow in misery cos it’s the correct day for it.
Your dh is being incredibly selfish and putting his dead father in front of 4 alive members of his family.
He sounds a bit pathetic to be honest.

Is that healthy or appropriate?

No, that's why I'm suggesting a compromise. Instead of you both digging your heels in. At least talk to him about it without getting so cross. Also have some empathy for his Mum.

If you haven't lost a parent you cannot have any idea of the impact.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy many many of us on this thread have posted about our own losses, and yet still think that OP's DH is being ridiculously unfair.

I know the impact of losing a parent, I know the impact of losing a husband. But I would never, ever let that affect my own children.

I'm not the most sentimental of people but nor am I hard as nails. But though I absolutely adored my dad and my husband, I do not let any of those anniversaries impact anyone other than me. I and my DH's sister's family often have a get together on or around my late DH's summer birthday, but there's no three line whip to it and it's in no way a memorial to him. More an excuse to get together. And if anyone's missing because they're away on holiday I'm glad for them and we just get together another time.

The kid won't really care where they are on holiday, so I wouldn't pursue the line of 'the kids will be deprived' if you can go somewhere in the UK for a long weekend or a week.
BUT

You are absolutely allowed to want a holiday, and it's entirely his fault he booked it over the birthday. These are the consequences and he should adapt - remembering his dad in the circumstances he committed to - rather than change everything for all of you.

I have to say it's all very well saying 'he's ok apart from when it comes to his family' if every mention of it results in him acting like a dick. (Which he is when he storms off rather than trying to communicate like an adult). Do you feel you're on eggshells? I honestly can't think of any subject that would have my partner acting like that, and he's been through some stuff over the past few years. We talk it out.

He's not thinking of his children is he? How much fun is it going to be for them standing by a grave remembering a man they barely knew?

He sounds utterly ridiculous. Are you sure he hasn't just changed his mind about wanting to go on holiday (for whatever reason) and is using his Need to Grieve as an excuse?

You take kids on holiday and if DH would rather go to his Dad's grave with his Mum then so be it. But I would be reminding him life is for the living. He could visit his Dad's grave before he went on holiday or when he got back. Is he just not wanting to go on holiday with you and his kids?