Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

[Celtic1hair]

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

My dad died 3 years ago. Every year his birthday hits me like a tonne of bricks and I find it hard to think of anything else. Grief is a horrible thing to deal with but it always seems so much worse on his birthday. I can see your dh point and also yours. Would you be able to compromise with a mini break of 5 days away either before or after the date.

He's being ridiculous.
I've lost both my parents and my 1st husband.

There is no way any of them would want me to give up a holiday to visit a grave.

I think that would be the angle I would take to get it through to him.
I wouldn't compromise on it at all. Book the holiday you want and go without him, if he persists with this nonsense.
You and the DC are his family.

He stormed out of the car telling me to take the kids for the day on my own (shocked that I was upset at his suggestion to just take the kids away on my own).

This is actually really manipulative. He dropped the bomb in front of the kids, therefore "preventing" you from reacting or else if you do the resulting row and DC upset, the ruined day out etc, it's "all your fault". Nice. He's also put you in the position of being the "bad guy" in your young DC eyes if the family holiday is cancelled because you won't (totally understandably) take them on holiday alone. This is despicable. You've been scapegoated. He's fucked this family holiday up, but somehow it all looks like your fault and he's telling you you're unreasonable.

The issue here is that he hasn’t really started the grieving process so his feelings trump all, even those of 3 little children, who want to have fun with their daddy. Grief can be rather selfish and irrational. no. They absolutely do not. It’s sad that he’s grieving but grief does not trump all, that can only lead to control “I can’t do x because…. Grieving. We can’t go to y because … grieving.” At some point he needs to take responsibility for his feelings. If that means paying for private therapy then so be it. But he does not get to control the OP and her children indefinitely and blame it on the grief. Life goes on. And at some point he has to face that.

Would you be able to compromise with a mini break of 5 days away either before or after the date.

Moving 3 small children anywhere is a nightmare. Doing it for 5 days is not a holiday. It's worth it for a decent chunk of time but not for this.

First I'd suggest a weekend at your MiL's to visit grave, before the summer.
It might help DH decide what he wants to do.

Ask him why it is so important to him. Maybe mum and siblings are planning something or he's cross with them because they are not planning anything.
MiL may be going away herself and only intending quietly raising a glass.

Then I'd look at booking the holiday from Sat-Sat 7 days, or Sat - Sun 8 days, flying from an airport near your MiL. Then when you get back you'll be near the grave for the unbirthday visit - if he still wants to do it.

I couldn't take three kids under 7 on my own, it would be unmanageable practically, such as the swimming pool, and why should I? They want their father there not my parents helping me, and he should want to be there

But for what ever reason he doesn’t want to be there.

Either take your mum or see if there is a friend with their children you can go with.

Otherwise the same will happen next year and the year after. There will alway be an excuse.

Unless your Dh changes his attitude completely then him going on holiday anywhere is going to spoil the holiday anyway.

Or you could book somewhere with lots of kids activities and clubs and go on your own.

The thing which is baffling me OP is how he went along with those dates until things were planned and booked and then only later brought up the issue of his DF's birthday. Did he forget or something? I lost my DF 10 months ago, and last December would have been his 70th birthday so that was really really hard and poignant and I did spend it with my DM and DB, and as far as I was concerned that was my priority, so I do get where your DH is coming from, but that date was etched on my mind - I always knew that date was coming and its significance so if my DH and I had been considering a holiday I would have known from the start that date was out.

Why should the OP have to compromise? It was the DH who pushed and pushed for the holiday, and now he’s backing out and the OP is expected to do the compromising? Bollocks to that.

The only compromising I’d be doing would be to cancel my annual leave and tell DH he had 2 kids to entertain for 2 weeks.

He can celebrate his dad’s birthday any day. His dad isn’t there, and he’s still going to be dead after the event. This just adds to my list of reasons why graves should be outlawed.

@Celtic1hair

No the cost isn't the issue, we have been well prepared to go without to manage to afford it. We are always open with money etc, absolutely he would raise these issues (always has in the past, so speaking from experience), I honestly believe he has just realised the date clash and decided his priority is marking the date at the grave. Its just the complete inability to see past this need, despite the cost to us as a family that gets to me, the months of pushing how important going away is and how he/we really needs it, to be less now. I get that grief is wicked, and never really goes away, does it? Because that person is always gone and you will always miss them and regret they are not there, but I just don't think this approach is actually healthy and as pissed off as I am with him, I am really worried it's actually a sign of him not coping at all, as if any other issues are being focussed towards this, making this all consuming. He is generally a really laid back, easy going bloke. I think he massively suffers low self esteem, and I know he feels guilty that his mother is not as close to the children as he would like because we moved away. But you cannot have a conversation about things like that because he takes it as a slight towards his family. For example, the family don't communicate much, if I point this out, saying that it's 50/50, we can all do our part to be more involved in each others life, he perceives this as me being unkind towards them rather than stopping him hold the burden of the guilt. Its nothing major, just trying to make clear that I feel he almost has to go above and beyond for these things as maybe he is already so guilty. But allowing it to continue at the expense of me and the kids is just enabling it isn't it, and not fair to us?

It's really okay to say that sometimes the grieving person is just being a bit of a dick. I say that as a bereaved daughter. Grieving doesn't make you immune to being cruel to others or to behaving badly.

I would tell him quite straight that the holiday is still going ahead and if you need to factor in flights to and from the grave as part of the holiday budget then so be it. And suggest to him that maybe he could do with some grief counselling if four years on he's still so distraught he's willing to cancel your children's holiday to stand at the grave on a certain date. Grieving is hard and a long road but this is way, way OTT.

He doesn't want to be there because he wants to be at the grave. He's insisting it's because it's a big birthday, not something every year he will want to do. But regardless of which birthday it is, I feel that's irrelevant, and I might be unreasonable completely.
Yes he did drop it on me and blame me completely for continuing it and pointing out we werent his priority. That's what he was so angry about, maybe because the truth hurts? Its me he blames for "twisting his words" and "manipulating the situation" but I just feel he doesn't like it pointed out he's not completely in the right.

@AlternativePerspective

The issue here is that he hasn’t really started the grieving process so his feelings trump all, even those of 3 little children, who want to have fun with their daddy. Grief can be rather selfish and irrational. no. They absolutely do not. It’s sad that he’s grieving but grief does not trump all, that can only lead to control “I can’t do x because…. Grieving. We can’t go to y because … grieving.” At some point he needs to take responsibility for his feelings. If that means paying for private therapy then so be it. But he does not get to control the OP and her children indefinitely and blame it on the grief. Life goes on. And at some point he has to face that.

I think you've misunderstood the person you're quoting.

OP I've read your replies and personally I think you should compromise this year, but make it clear it is a one-off.

I would look into doing a UK holiday this year - stay somewhere on the way down to his family, for a few days the Sunday or whatever remembering your DH dad with his family and then somewhere else in UK for the remainder of the two weeks.

If I've read your posts correctly you've booked the time off work (which can't be changed but not an actual holiday)

I know you want to go abroad but having a UK holiday this year and allowing DH to spend time with his family at this juncture seems an OK alternative. I would be willing to do this once but make it clear that the day cannot be kept free in perpetuity and that it is unfair of him to expect this moving forward

I think PPs idea of you cancelling your leave, OP, and letting your DH take the kids to his mum's for the 2 weeks is a good one. Would you both have enough leave left then to have 2 weeks holiday later in the year?

@Lemonyfuckit

The thing which is baffling me OP is how he went along with those dates until things were planned and booked and then only later brought up the issue of his DF's birthday. Did he forget or something? I lost my DF 10 months ago, and last December would have been his 70th birthday so that was really really hard and poignant and I did spend it with my DM and DB, and as far as I was concerned that was my priority, so I do get where your DH is coming from, but that date was etched on my mind - I always knew that date was coming and its significance so if my DH and I had been considering a holiday I would have known from the start that date was out.

Because he forgot. And he feels really guilty that he forgot. And instead of wearing a hair shirt himself, he's trying to make the OP wear it.

He's behaving appallingly.

My parents would be horrified if this was a consideration for me after they were gone. My dad died 4/5 years ago - I can absolutely take my occasional sadness at his death and respect that anywhere I am in the world. No grave attendance needed.

I would let him go home early from the holiday and miss out on the memories of the second week. Consider taking another parent or friend to help out and crack on with your life (and your children’s lives). Would be rather sceptical of my husband after this, to be honest but my children will always be my priority when they are little, I completely agree with you OP - you can’t get these years back anymore then your DH can spend more time with his dad.

Feel sorry for your DH if he is struggling with his grief though, perhaps he should take the second week to spend some time with a therapist. Xxx

I also think you should ask him to think about what his father would say to him. It would probably be to live his life and spend quality time with his children rather than moping at a graveside. Surely a better time to visit a grave is on the anniversary of someone's death anyway. I really just don't see how birthdays are relevant when you aren't alive anymore.

I'd give him three choices:
You all go on holiday as planned and he marks the birthday in some way there, and then goes to the grave before or after your holiday
You all go on holiday as planned and he gets a flight back for a couple of days for the birthday then rejoins you
You go without him. In which case pick somewhere with good kids clubs so you're not wrangling all of them by yourself

Can't you rearrange your holidays at work and go for 10 days before or after the birthday weekend

@2022HereWeCome

OP I've read your replies and personally I think you should compromise this year, but make it clear it is a one-off.

I would look into doing a UK holiday this year - stay somewhere on the way down to his family, for a few days the Sunday or whatever remembering your DH dad with his family and then somewhere else in UK for the remainder of the two weeks.

If I've read your posts correctly you've booked the time off work (which can't be changed but not an actual holiday)

I know you want to go abroad but having a UK holiday this year and allowing DH to spend time with his family at this juncture seems an OK alternative. I would be willing to do this once but make it clear that the day cannot be kept free in perpetuity and that it is unfair of him to expect this moving forward

Can I genuinely ask why you think I should compromise this year? Because I seem to be having a mental block and want to understand where he is coming from? I'm not saying there is a time limit on grief, and honestly any anniversary, special event will be just as shit. But we haven't been away for 3 years, the smallest two have no recollection of being on holiday. Its him that has pushed it and I can't believe his grieving is taking him to a place that he is not really seeing that as important as he did last week when he hadn't clocked the dates. Will sacrificing the holiday this year help him?

It's very telling that it's this year, when there is a family holiday planned, that he has pulled this shit.

I'm not buying the big birthday nonsense, that's a milestone you celebrate when you're alive.

I'm lucky enough to have both of my parents and he hopes he is more supportive when that time will come (hopefully in the very far future).

Has he actually said that to you? If so, I think he's been totally unreasonable. Grief isn't a game of top trumps and I say that as someone who has lost both my parents.

@Beansontoastagain

My dad died 3 years ago. Every year his birthday hits me like a tonne of bricks and I find it hard to think of anything else. Grief is a horrible thing to deal with but it always seems so much worse on his birthday. I can see your dh point and also yours. Would you be able to compromise with a mini break of 5 days away either before or after the date.

If he felt the same then perhaps he would have remembered that his dad's birthday fell during the two weeks they had discussed going away?

You can go away for a week Saturday to Saturday and he can do what he wants on the Sunday. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. A week away is a perfectly good holiday.

Will he even enjoy a holiday under this circumstances if he’s feeling guilty and grief-y and sad? My Dad died when I was in my early 20’s and we always, always make space for the anniversary and birthdays because I sometimes end up very miserable and sad. I’d never dream of going on holiday then for fear of ruining it. I actually find it really strange neither of you remembered… my DH would never ever forget those dates.