Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

[Celtic1hair]

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

This is really odd and quite morbid. I think it would be more suitable to mark the anniversary of his death rather than try and celebrate the special birthday of someone who is no longer alive.

I agree life is for living after losing my mum and my husband

Can you not do both

A week away and week at home so he can be with mil if that’s what he really wants

What dates are you away abs when is birthday

I’m not religious, but there is so much common sense in this verse that a lot of men do not get: ‘Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.’

It is the natural order of things. He is a husband and father now. He needs to honour his father’s memory by being the best father he can be and that means putting his wife and children first. He needs to cleave to you and he isn’t doing that.

Sorry my phone hadn't loaded everything. Ignore suggestion to bring MiL. But I would still be going on holiday.
Would anyone really want their grandchildren to miss a summer holiday for a visit to their grave?

@Blondeshavemorefun

I agree life is for living after losing my mum and my husband

Can you not do both

A week away and week at home so he can be with mil if that’s what he really wants

What dates are you away abs when is birthday

The birthday would be on the Sunday in the middle of the two weeks. The issue is that visiting the grave and possibly having a meal out (none of which have been arranged) is worth cancelling a family holiday for. Honestly I'm not trying to be difficult or refusing to compromise, but I really feel his priorities are completely messed up, and if he can't see that then where does that leave us? My original post was to see if I was being unreasonable, and most posters don't think I am (absolutely fully willing to hear opposite views!) Its just not healthy or sane, and he cannot seem to comprehend that and his reaction is completely terrible. He stormed out of the car telling me to take the kids for the day on my own (shocked that I was upset at his suggestion to just take the kids away on my own). It cannot be healthy to be so pent up he reacts that way? Really these are two separate issues, I know, but I'm allowed to call him out when he's wrong without invoking this kind of reaction surely? Nobody likes being wrong pointed out but none of us are perfect are we?

I don’t get it either OP and I feel for you. Maybe the compromise is that you holiday Sat-Sat of the first week in the UK somewhere lovely. He goes off for the middle weekend while you field the kids, he comes back and you spend the second half of the second week at a spa or similar.

His desire to be at the grave on that day is not a ‘need’. You’ve implied that there have been other incidences of him getting angry with you about or prioritising his family.

Sorry but people saying it’s been 4 years have you lost a parent.

Yes@Jamn50. As I said upthread I've lost both a parent and my husband. And I live life for those I love who are living. No way would I put my dead husband or my memories ahead of what is good for my kids and my grandchild. And my late DH and dad would both be furious if they know I'd deprived my family of a holiday in their memory.

I'm sorry to say it, but whatever ones grief, four years on it's self indulgence to put standing by a grave ahead of your family's holiday.

*i must point out that DC1 was born on DF death anniversary, i like having a reason to be cheerful now, rather than mourning

@Jamn50

Sorry but people saying it’s been 4 years have you lost a parent. Honestly my husband lost his mum 12 years ago and his Dad 9 years ago. Our children are teens now and 100% if he wanted to do something now this long time after we would all agree that we would rearrange things no questions asked as his relationship with his mum was particularly close. I know he’s still heartbroken now as am I.

No one could be closer to their mum than DH. He adored her. I did too but it's not my mum. I asked him about this thread and he agrees that his mum would have kicked his arse at the idea of hurting me or the DC over her birthday. I can honestly picture her face. She'd be so annoyed. Especially as she loved holidays. She died younger that the OP's FIL. She would want us to raise several a glass for her and tell a couple of stories and I'm more than happy to do that.

This isn't about what his dad would have wanted or what's good for his mum. Or even what's emotionally healthy for his grief. It's about his guilt. And that's really worrying. He's demonstrating his love (and therefore alleviating his guilt) by punishing others. 'Look how much I love him, I'm ruining a family holiday'.

As for everyone's suggestions; 3 small child and one parent and a pool doesn't work, she can't go alone; organising 7 days is terrible, getting 3 small children there and back is ridiculous and two days would be travelling; a week in Bognor isn't like a beach/pool holiday abroad; MIL probably doesn't want to leave her two other children so taking her is not a go; they can't move the leave. He's either coming or no one is going. The only one that might work is a cheap flight there and back for him on the weekend. Still shit but at least it's possible.

Is one of his siblings a competitive griever? Could it be driven by an external force like that? My dad's sister is still wearing black and was horrified that I was at softplay when she phoned on the anniversary of his death earlier this this month.

My dad died 4 years ago, it's his birthday soon and I'd take the holiday every time. He threatened to haunt me if I even mentioned sackcloth and ashes. I also think it doesn't sent a healthy precedent for your children. I'd have more sympathy if he'd remembered earlier but in this particular set of circumstances I'd be going without him.

He's massively unreasonable when you have both booked annual leave, not been away for years etc and his father has passed! This is his guilt of not living nearby-was he not around to support his dad when he was unwell (was he unwell or was is sudden? Mine died 2 years ago and it was totally out of the blue, 20 minutes with zero warning and he was gone)

On a related note, I was close to my dad, but no way would I cancel a family holiday to visit mum on his birthday, if it's not just me in the equation, it's 4 others he's affecting.

Do you think he will calm down and re-think?

Well clearly he had not considered it was important when you discussed th holiday or he woukd have realised the dates clashed. Someone has obviously reminded him - is his mother putting pressure on him to commemorate it in this way?

Ut maybe Im not the right person to ask as I'm not a big visitor of graves. My late Mother wanted to be buried and my father got a double plot so he could be there too, but I rarely go - I can remember them (and their birthdays etc) wherever I am.

His behaviour was v unreasonable and upsetting for and unfair on you and presumably also for the DC. His strong thoughts and feelings about his father and family don’t excuse it.

Is he really saying that if you can’t find alternative dates you can both have leave from work, and/or he doesn’t have enough annual leave to cover his trip to his family, that you should forego the family holiday?

@Jamn50

Sorry but people saying it’s been 4 years have you lost a parent. Honestly my husband lost his mum 12 years ago and his Dad 9 years ago. Our children are teens now and 100% if he wanted to do something now this long time after we would all agree that we would rearrange things no questions asked as his relationship with his mum was particularly close. I know he’s still heartbroken now as am I.

Still being heartbroken after 12 years (especially you Jamn as they weren't your parents) is pretty unhealthy if true, unless they had a really tragic death.

Death is a part of life.

I really don’t get this notion that grief trumps everything else. Just where do you draw the line?

Fair enough, the first birthday after his father’s death would be understandable, but 4, 5, 10, 20 years after should life be expected to stand still because he lost his father?

I would think differently perhaps if it was a child he’d lost but the truth is that most of us will lose our parents, it’s the order of life, and life has to go on.

Added to which, most people don’t actually have a grave any more so he only gets to visit a grave because there is one. If his father had been cremated how would he have insisted on ditching his family then?

I’d go on holiday alone with DC and let him celebrate his deceased Father’s birthday with family.

I think your husband sounds a awful - he's cancelling a family holiday, with no notice, because he suddenly remembered he could go and be sad with his family for a birthday that never happened and which he'd never remembered during the entire year he was planning this holiday. You expect your parents to predecease you and he has had four years to comes to terms with it. My mother died over Xmas but it doesn't mean we go around being sad at Xmas though of course I miss her tremendously. She would never have wanted that. I don't think because your father in law died in his sixties that your husband is the authority on grief and that you should just say that after planning and saving for a year it's fine that we're not having a holiday so you can have a day being sad with your mother and siblings celebrating a non-existent birthday.

You've sacrificed lots of things for this holiday he so much wanted. You were now all looking forward to it with your leave already irrevocably booked. Never mind that you're sad and the kids are sad and they won't have the memories of the holiday to look back on. Unless there is some sort of kids club and depending on the ages of the children, it wouldn't be much of a holiday for you on your own.

One of the things that made me choose my husband was that he was prepared to put me first - before his family. When it comes down to it, he will put me and our children first. He was the first romantic partner that I had felt like we were on the same team and we have been for 30 years. I think your husband prioritises his own family and is incredibly selfish. I don't know what your circumstances are but I would rate this seriously enough to leave him. (I know it's a cliché on Mumsnet to say that.) You may feel with three small children you can't but the gloss would certainly be off it for me and life would be a lot less comfortable for him. The knowledge that he values his mother and his brothers more than he values you and your children would have a chilling effect on me. That and wondering what other unilateral decisions he might be planning.

He's ruined the two weeks now. Whatever you do it'll be wrong and you won't enjoy it because of his attitude.

Oh unless you take the DC away for two weeks all by yourself leaving him to totally check out of family responsibilities. Apparently that's ok 🙄. Yeah, no.

I'd cancel my annual leave and let him do childcare for those two weeks. Let him deal with DC's upset that they have to spend a day doing graveyard duty for someone they barely knew and can't go on holiday.

Then some time later in the year take two weeks annual leave for yourself while DC are at school and leave him to do evenings again, whilst you're away on holiday by yourself. You need time to relax.

It's a shame about the DC holiday being cancelled but there's nothing you can do about that, if all the school holidays weeks are taken already and you can't manage 3 DC by yourself without it becoming stressful, which is not the point of a holiday. I don't think I'd ever forgive him for this, it's so cruel to the DC. Bigging them up for a holiday only to let them down because he thinks he's more important than everyone else and only his feelings matter. They don't deserve to grow up thinking they're second priority after a dead person, it's abnormal. I'd be rethinking the relationship over this.

If your fil were alive now, he’d be absolutely appalled that his son decided to take his grandkids, son and DIL holiday away. Why doesn’t your dh consider that. I’ve told my kids when I die they must live happy lives and not dwell on my death.

What sort of father storms off out of the car in front of his young children? How upsetting for them! I think that it's ott to celebrate his birthday 4 years on. Has he celebrated every year? Is it more of a case of wanting to catch up with family rather than having to father his children on holiday? Can he not see his family another time? Can you move your leave at all? Can you not spend a day on holiday commemorating it? It sounds to me as though he's going to feel resentful if he's on holiday with you. He knew if was his dad's birthday when you booked the time off, so he couldn't have been that bothered and is now using his 'grief' as emotional blackmail. He needs to come up with a solution himself if he wants to change plans like that.

He's ruined the two weeks now. Whatever you do it'll be wrong and you won't enjoy it because of his attitude.

This is true.
If you don't go, you don't get your holiday and you and the kids miss out so will feel resentful.

If you do go you'll be treading on eggshells the whole time because he's shown very clearly he can pop off at you at any time and blame his grief and there's nothing you can say or do.

The issue here is that he hasn’t really started the grieving process so his feelings trump all, even those of 3 little children, who want to have fun with their daddy. Grief can be rather selfish and irrational.

My uncle was like this after my father died and he was an adult, unlike me. Some people think letting that person go is not honouring them when the opposite is true.

You could give him a choice perhaps.

1. As suggested upthread:
   He agrees to go to private counselling until he has found a way to heal, you agree for him to come back to the U.K. for 48 hours in total, leaving you with the children. Compromise all round.

2. You go away with your parents and he stays at home.

@Sweepingeyelashes

I think your husband sounds a awful - he's cancelling a family holiday, with no notice, because he suddenly remembered he could go and be sad with his family for a birthday that never happened and which he'd never remembered during the entire year he was planning this holiday. You expect your parents to predecease you and he has had four years to comes to terms with it. My mother died over Xmas but it doesn't mean we go around being sad at Xmas though of course I miss her tremendously. She would never have wanted that. I don't think because your father in law died in his sixties that your husband is the authority on grief and that you should just say that after planning and saving for a year it's fine that we're not having a holiday so you can have a day being sad with your mother and siblings celebrating a non-existent birthday.

You've sacrificed lots of things for this holiday he so much wanted. You were now all looking forward to it with your leave already irrevocably booked. Never mind that you're sad and the kids are sad and they won't have the memories of the holiday to look back on. Unless there is some sort of kids club and depending on the ages of the children, it wouldn't be much of a holiday for you on your own.

One of the things that made me choose my husband was that he was prepared to put me first - before his family. When it comes down to it, he will put me and our children first. He was the first romantic partner that I had felt like we were on the same team and we have been for 30 years. I think your husband prioritises his own family and is incredibly selfish. I don't know what your circumstances are but I would rate this seriously enough to leave him. (I know it's a cliché on Mumsnet to say that.) You may feel with three small children you can't but the gloss would certainly be off it for me and life would be a lot less comfortable for him. The knowledge that he values his mother and his brothers more than he values you and your children would have a chilling effect on me. That and wondering what other unilateral decisions he might be planning.

Yes it does feel pretty monumental to be honest. The thing is, I can't help him if I can't talk to him about it can I? So where do we go then? Hope that nothing like this comes up to rock the boat so all can go swimmingly? We are a genuine partnership, if anything I'm the pushier one, he always says he would be nowhere without me etc, bit this is a real blind spot of his. To be honest I've tried to just ignore it, because we aren't close geographically it's less of an issue, and I would do anything for him to have a fabulous relationship with his family. For context I'm 10 minutes away from mine and see them constantly, but if I had a chance to go away on my dad's birthday I wouldn't think twice, nor would he expect me to. I'm saying this because Ive been worried my attitude is wrong and unsupportive, but reading your comments I don't think I am.