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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won’t accept daughter hurt mine

114 replies

Ems11 · 20/03/2022 08:45

I have been friends with someone over 15 years. We both have daughters the same age. They had been friends since they were 3 years old. As the years went on there were incidences between them at first very innocent but escalated. Her daughter pinching mine, pushing her saying mean things, hiding her toys or breaking them.
We always tried sorted things out between us but there was never really acknowledgement of any wrong doing which I let go for the sake of our friendship.
The girls are now teenagers and things has turned toxic. There has been subtle exclusion at first, alienation, turning mutual friends against her, fat shaming, calling her ugly name but a few. I went to my friend but it all fell on deaf eyes. She wasn’t punished and her daughter actually gloated at me the next day laughing into my face to show my chat didn’t work. My friend went on like nothing happened and for a few months so did I for the sake of our friendship.
Then the group chats started, she added my daughter into group chats with other girls calling fat, ugly, loner etc. My daughter was so upset. I went to my friend again. Screenshot the messages and sent them to her. Again nothing just well they shouldn’t be friends anymore if they don’t get on. No acknowledgement for the things said.
I have always tried to keep our friendship separate to the girls but it’s been at the detriment of my daughter.
Her daughter is going around happy as Larry with all the friends while my daughter sits in. My friend and I, our friendship seems to be ruined. It’s so awkward now, it’s like we avoid eye contact if we do bump into each other.

Would you let the friendship go and leave sleeping dogs lie?

OP posts:
TeddyBeans · 20/03/2022 08:47

I'd have given up a long time ago. Effectively you're showing your daughter that your friendship is more important than her feelings

ComDummings · 20/03/2022 08:48

I’d let the friendship go now

HelloDulling · 20/03/2022 08:49

The friendship has gone, I’m not sure what the alternative to letting sleeping dogs lie would be? Going round there and shouting the odds?

Your focus needs to be on your DD, and helping her to make new friends. Have you asked the school to support her? Online bullying is not okay.

Original poster
Ems11 · 20/03/2022 08:50

Technically in my head the girls were separate to our friendship but I accept what u mean and I do have guilt about it.

OP posts:
LittleMisfortune · 20/03/2022 08:50

Let the friendship go.

I would also be sending the messages to school or college. If your ex friend can't parent then surely school/college will punish these girls for bullying.

CiderJolly · 20/03/2022 08:51

I’ve put yabu as you’ve been spectacularly crap at sticking up for your daughter.

Where’s your loyalty?

I would go to the school and show them the messages- it’s bullying and there should be consequences.

Sod the friendship- neither of them have ever been friends to either you or your daughter.

Underfrighter · 20/03/2022 08:52

I think the friendship is dead. I hope you have contacted the school about this bullying

twominutesmore · 20/03/2022 08:52

Yes, let it go and focus on your daughter now. Speak to the school and encourage new interests and friendships.

Your ex-friend has made it clear that she doesn't care, won't help and doesn't value your friendship, so why continue to bang your head on the wall?

LampLighter414 · 20/03/2022 08:53

Time to cut ties

Sceptre86 · 20/03/2022 08:53

Why would you want to hold onto this friendship? Her daughter is not being mean to yours she is actively bullying her and by being friends with her mum you are showing your dd that you don't give a shit. Honestly it's just sad to read.

Focus on raising your dd up, work on her self esteem, doing fun things together and when she is ready encourage her to make new friends.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/03/2022 08:55

never really acknowledgement of any wrong doing which I let go for the sake of our friendship.

My friend went on like nothing happened and for a few months so did I for the sake of our friendship.

I don’t understand your attitude to this at all. For what sounds like many years you’ve thrown your child under the bus to protect a friendship with someone who is an arsehole. What’s so great about her that you’ve put her above your daughter?! You don’t turn a blind eye or take a softly softly approach to a young child being hurt or having her belongings trashed!

Things are clearly over between you now, thank Christ, so focus on your poor daughter and try to protect her better in future.

My friends are very important to me but no one is more important than my daughter and I can’t begin to imagine standing by while one of their kids behaved like this towards mine. It’s very upsetting to read.

Lovemylittlebear · 20/03/2022 08:56

No way could I stay friends with that woman. Daughter always comes first. Her mental health is really important and the other child’s behaviour needs dealing with. If she won’t address it, school will hopefully help. Your daughter needs to see you stick up for her. This doesn’t need to be confrontational. Just a nod to how unacceptable the other child’s behaviour is and if the parent won’t address the bullying then the continuation of the friendship is no longer appropriate. X

R0tational · 20/03/2022 08:56

What a horrible mother and daughter. I hope the school help Sad

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 20/03/2022 08:57

I couldn’t be friends with someone who has no problem with their child being a bully. I would tell her that and then block her.

Beamur · 20/03/2022 08:58

The friendship would be dead to me and I would be sending those messages to the school. The other DD is a bully.

Lurking9to5 · 20/03/2022 08:59

The girls cannot be separate to your friendship. You have to stand behind your daughter right now or her self-esteem will be eroded that you chose a wilfully blinkered woman's friendship over standing up for your daughter. This is not a lecture by the way! But if you stand up for your dd now these issues won't haunt her forever. My mother would always have picked the easy life and ordered me to have no visible reaction. Even though most people are lovely, if there's a bully in a group, to this day, the bully will ice me out of the group Confused so perhaps I'm giving off scapegoat energy and the bullies pick up on that.

Freddiefox · 20/03/2022 09:00

She’s not your friend. Why have you put your daughter second to a rubbish one sided friendship?

Original poster
Ems11 · 20/03/2022 09:01

They are not in the same school.

My loyalty is with my daughter and always has been. I didn’t ignore it I went to my friend about it. We both have mutual friends and I suppose I was trying to avoid awkwardness but just seems to have made it worse.
I accept no one wants to hear these things about their child but if the evidence is there would you punish your child for it?

OP posts:
ffscovid · 20/03/2022 09:02

I'm going through something similar at the moment; our daughters are 12, have been 'friends' almost since birth and have always got on brilliantly when we've met up. Since starting secondary (they went to different primaries), DF's daughter has started to bully DD and it's getting quite out of hand now.
You have to put your daughter first. The other girl is a bully and should be treated the same as any other bully. A polite word with her mum hasn't helped, therefore go through whatever process the school has in place to sort bullying. Don't feel guilty or let past friendships stand in the way of this.

catmg · 20/03/2022 09:03

You need to show the same loyalty to your daughter that your 'friend' shows to hers.

For what is worth, my friends care about my kids. This woman is not your friend.

Ikeptgoing · 20/03/2022 09:04

She is no friend of yours

Her DD is cyber bullying yours DD. Block and delete the DD. Never make her friendDD spend one second with this meangirl again. Ban her from your house . Invite other girls over but not that friendDD "as she's banned/ not welcome/ a bully"

If this is going on at school, then report as bullying to school and show them screen shots. Ask school how they are going to deal with any of these bullies to safeguard your DD. DD mustn't respond or read these anymore.

Stop brushing this under the carpet for the sake of your friendship with a woman who cares not once ounce about you and your DD. I would be mortified if my DD was bullying and nasty to anyone else let alone my best friends DD!

Drop this friend
You don't need her in your life she is adding in too many negative experiences for you AND for DD

School should help your DD make safer friends

Is the online harassment continues via anonymous or new sm routes from FriendsDD then j would report it to police. Let other people / agencies including school and police - if necessary- deal with it.

Stay away from that nasty bully - both of them.

Beamur · 20/03/2022 09:04

If they are different schools why is this an issue?
Your DD needs to block this girl, remove herself from all contact and find some new friends.
Mutual friends who are joining in with this are not her friends at all. Cut them all off.

Orchidsonthetable · 20/03/2022 09:05

I’m not sure why yoire so focused on this girl being punished. It’s like your main focus. When your focus should be on helping your daughter deal with this, how to extend her friendship circle, how to support her.

Ohyesiam · 20/03/2022 09:06

What?
Please don’t contemplate hanging out with this vile woman. Your priory is your daughter. How would it feel if you were being bullied and your mum just went “ Oh I’m going to carry on as normal and not sure with you”.
Use your own moral compass, just because this “ friend” is compassionless and can’t tell right from wrong doesn’t mean you need to buy into it.
Your daughter is being bullied. Stand up for her.

BluebellStreet · 20/03/2022 09:06

Your dd needs to focus on different friends from this girl and the mutual friends.

You aren't going to ever get your former friend to deal with her daughter. Life isn't fair and this girl isn't going to see the error of her ways.