Friend won’t accept daughter hurt mine

[Ems11]

I have been friends with someone over 15 years. We both have daughters the same age. They had been friends since they were 3 years old. As the years went on there were incidences between them at first very innocent but escalated. Her daughter pinching mine, pushing her saying mean things, hiding her toys or breaking them.
We always tried sorted things out between us but there was never really acknowledgement of any wrong doing which I let go for the sake of our friendship.
The girls are now teenagers and things has turned toxic. There has been subtle exclusion at first, alienation, turning mutual friends against her, fat shaming, calling her ugly name but a few. I went to my friend but it all fell on deaf eyes. She wasn’t punished and her daughter actually gloated at me the next day laughing into my face to show my chat didn’t work. My friend went on like nothing happened and for a few months so did I for the sake of our friendship.
Then the group chats started, she added my daughter into group chats with other girls calling fat, ugly, loner etc. My daughter was so upset. I went to my friend again. Screenshot the messages and sent them to her. Again nothing just well they shouldn’t be friends anymore if they don’t get on. No acknowledgement for the things said.
I have always tried to keep our friendship separate to the girls but it’s been at the detriment of my daughter.
Her daughter is going around happy as Larry with all the friends while my daughter sits in. My friend and I, our friendship seems to be ruined. It’s so awkward now, it’s like we avoid eye contact if we do bump into each other.

Would you let the friendship go and leave sleeping dogs lie?

We always tried sorted things out between us but there was never really acknowledgement of any wrong doing which I let go for the sake of our friendship.

My friend went on like nothing happened and for a few months so did I for the sake of our friendship.

You’ve been putting this friendship above your daughter’s feelings for years. Why would you do that? Your poor daughter. Show your daughter some loyalty and ditch this poor excuse for a friend. And think about the effect on your daughter’s self esteem that your skewed priorities will have had. You need to do some serious work on your relationship with your daughter.

Ugh, I'd sack her off as a 'friend' and let the school know what this girl is doing, it's cyber bullying and enabled by a weak mother who has no handle on her dd. You know the type who thinks their daughter is a victim and never the bully.

We have a similar situation but I saw the toxic ways of the mum and how she enables both her children to get away with mean behaviour when her dd was in primary school, detached myself from the friendship with the mum and encourage my dd to stand up to her friend and play with other children. Let's see what happens when the girls are teenagers and pursue their own independent friendships, I hope my dd will have as little to do with her as possible. I hate that toxic people can make other people's life a misery. Plus ça change, unfortunately. The only way is to be assertive and stop running to this other mum in the hope that she will take your dd side, she never will, she has shown you this. She doesn't care about anyone other than herself and her dd.

She is not your friend.

If they are not at the same school I'd be going to the police about it. You've got evidence of online abuse.

It's embarrassing that you call her your friend.

Let me reframe it. I'm friends with the lady next door. Her dog keeps biting mine. I've told her to do something about it but she says she can't. I'm meeting her for lunch. I hope my dog doesn't get bitten. How does that sound.

Your friend has refused to take action, and you've gone 'oh, ok. Tea or coffee.'

It's embarrassing to read how much of a wet lettuce you've been. Sad for your daughter. Her own mum friends with her Bully's mum.

Your ‘friend’ has a wonky moral compass! How can you still call her a friend. You have been showing your daughter she needs to put up with shit to keep relationships. Honestly I would be worried she follows your lead in her future. Sit her down and say you made a terrible mistake and people need to show others where their boundaries are and you have realised this and hope she understands this for her future friend experiences. She has been putting up with bullying - makes her vulnerable to other bullies too. You have been choosing your friendship over your daughters mental health I am glad you have now realised this is all kinds of wrong.

@Ems11

I didn’t stand by and allow it, I confronted the mother on it each time and incident happened. There were points over the years they were friends again but always something else seemed to happen. Any advice I’d got from mutual friends of us both was ah the kids will be friends again no point falling out with each other over it.

My daughter has always been my priority but in the last month or two it’s escalated to cyber bullying with prove. All other times it was her daughters word against mine and obviously she chose to believe her daughter over mine hence no punishment.

You must feel really let down by your friend but she may have punished her daughter and you are not aware of it? Sounds like the mum is one of those whose precious girl can do no wrong. Does she act like nothing is wrong when you see her?

@CheesecakeAddict

If they are not at the same school I'd be going to the police about it. You've got evidence of online abuse.

This. Be a responsible parent and help your child. She should be your first priority.

@Ems11

We live on the same street, a few doors away from each other.

Ouch that makes it harder.

If that's the case then I would have to go to the friend and say we need a discussion. It makes it awkward for your daughter living so close.

That "friend" and her disgusting little shit wouldn't be coming anywhere near my kids!
Absolutely let the friendship go. I hope your daughter finds some lovely friends away from that toxic group.
Also, I wouldn't hesitate to tell the woman exactly why I wanted nothing more to do with her. I wouldn't avoid that conversation.

Oh, and I one hundred per cent agree with those who have said go to the police.

Your poor DD being forced to be friends with her bully since she was 3 years old, for the sake of your (so called) ‘friendship’ makes me sad. I would be having a word with her daughter directly as her mum isn’t taking action. Of course your friend won’t like this but fuck her, quite frankly.

I'd let the friendship go, she clearly has no respect for you're daughter or you otherwise she would be telling her daughter not to be such a nasty individual. It's sad when people show you who they really are

Id take the screenshots to the police.

@TeddyBeans

I'd have given up a long time ago. Effectively you're showing your daughter that your friendship is more important than her feelings

100% this! ⬆️

Why have you hung in for so long at the expense of your daughter's happiness?? I'd have confronted & then cut out this toxic duo ages ago & helped my daughter move on with nicer friends.

Your 'friend' is likely a very different person behind closed doors. Her daughter is a nasty piece of work and the mother let's it slide as she obviously thinks that behaviour is normal. I would be so disappointed and angry if anyone came and told me my daughters were behaving that way towards another girl. Whether the mother was my friend or not.

Cut out these toxic individuals.

Agree with all the pps. She is no friend of yours. Time to put your daughter first as you should have a long time ago.

It's a cliché but with a friend (and her mini me) like this you don't need enemies.

Why are you arsed about being friends her, what must your daughter think! Report the bullying to school, clearly going to your "friend" on numerous occasions spanning years does not work

I would cut the friend totally and report the girl to the school with the evidence you have.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t a ‘like mother like daughter’ situation.

This isn’t a new situation, you let it slide and go back for more, the mother clearly doesn’t care her daughters horrible.

I wouldn’t invite the ‘other friends’ they are just a culpable - they are equally mean in not putting this friend in her place and going along with the bullying.

But accept the fact it may cause issues with your mutual friends too. It’s sad but sometimes you just need to take a stand.

Aw your poor daughter. Gosh I hate bullies.
I'd sack the friendship off and if your friend confronts you about that I'd be honest and say why. She won't do anything about it punishment wise etc to her own dd but I can guarantee you at some point in the not so distant future your words will come back to haunt her. Because she's allowed her dd to behave this way for all these years with little consequences, things will get worse. You'll soon be hearing other parents banging her door and confronting her about her daughters behaviour.

I've a close family member who literally thinks the sun shines out of her kids bum. Every time someone's told her about her child's bullying or bad behaviour she flatly refuses to believe it and her child has got really really awful over the years. They are now being manage moved to another school due to them bullying a teacher!!!!. Her child could burn the village down and she'd blame whoever gave her the matches.

And now her child's turning on her, rules the roost in her house.

Your child will grow up knowing right from wrong because of you.

Hope it all works out ok

Do you know the parents of the other girls who have been joining in? You may have more luck with their Mums. If my DD did this, I would be mortified and do something about it. Sorry you are going through this it sounds tough.

I'd senda cease and desist harassment letter with a move to formally reporting the teen, might make her think or get her comeuppance. You. just can't let people get away with this crap.