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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won’t accept daughter hurt mine

114 replies

Ems11 · 20/03/2022 08:45

I have been friends with someone over 15 years. We both have daughters the same age. They had been friends since they were 3 years old. As the years went on there were incidences between them at first very innocent but escalated. Her daughter pinching mine, pushing her saying mean things, hiding her toys or breaking them.
We always tried sorted things out between us but there was never really acknowledgement of any wrong doing which I let go for the sake of our friendship.
The girls are now teenagers and things has turned toxic. There has been subtle exclusion at first, alienation, turning mutual friends against her, fat shaming, calling her ugly name but a few. I went to my friend but it all fell on deaf eyes. She wasn’t punished and her daughter actually gloated at me the next day laughing into my face to show my chat didn’t work. My friend went on like nothing happened and for a few months so did I for the sake of our friendship.
Then the group chats started, she added my daughter into group chats with other girls calling fat, ugly, loner etc. My daughter was so upset. I went to my friend again. Screenshot the messages and sent them to her. Again nothing just well they shouldn’t be friends anymore if they don’t get on. No acknowledgement for the things said.
I have always tried to keep our friendship separate to the girls but it’s been at the detriment of my daughter.
Her daughter is going around happy as Larry with all the friends while my daughter sits in. My friend and I, our friendship seems to be ruined. It’s so awkward now, it’s like we avoid eye contact if we do bump into each other.

Would you let the friendship go and leave sleeping dogs lie?

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 20/03/2022 10:15

@Ems11

They are not in the same school.

My loyalty is with my daughter and always has been. I didn’t ignore it I went to my friend about it. We both have mutual friends and I suppose I was trying to avoid awkwardness but just seems to have made it worse.
I accept no one wants to hear these things about their child but if the evidence is there would you punish your child for it?

I would.

I would ask to see my child's phone first just to make sure I wasn't getting a redacted version but I wouldn't allow my child to be bullying another online (or at all!).

You need to now report this to the police as continued cyber bullying.

That ought to get them to sit up and listen.

Before that get everything screenshot and block her.

hybridoaties · 20/03/2022 10:15

I really don't want this to sound nasty but I am really gobsmacked that you've allowed your daughter to be systematically bullied for the sake of your friendship. Was it worth it? Is this friendship that fulfilling that your poor little girl has spent years feeling
Second best.

This has been going on since she was a baby... no wonder the other girls feels like your daughter is an easy target. You really need to take a look in the mirror and address the issues you have that has allowed the situation to arise and sustain for so many years.

Your poor daughter. Stay well away from this woman and her awful child and concentrate on yourself and your daughter.

hybridoaties · 20/03/2022 10:18

@Ems11

They are not in the same school.

My loyalty is with my daughter and always has been. I didn’t ignore it I went to my friend about it. We both have mutual friends and I suppose I was trying to avoid awkwardness but just seems to have made it worse.
I accept no one wants to hear these things about their child but if the evidence is there would you punish your child for it?

Your loyalty has not been with your daughter!!! Otherwise she wouldn't have spent the last 15 years being bullied by this girl!!

This only happened because you wanted the friendship... it didn't matter that your daughter was being forced to spend time with someone who actively causing her harm and distress. Take the blinkers off!!

Original poster
Ems11 · 20/03/2022 10:24

Yes after I’ve confronted over the years she does act like nothing happened. She’d invite me for a coffee or go shopping etc and I’d see it as her offering an olive branch and accept it.

I do think it’s gone passed that now though with the cyber bullying as I have actually shown her real proof and still she has done nothing about it.
We have seen each other once or twice but we just have avoided eye contact.
As I said we are part of a bigger friend group so it is a horrible situation all round but I can do no more.

My daughter is doing so much better since she’s blocked her.

OP posts:
ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 20/03/2022 10:24

Sounds like a police matter to me - its harassment and cyber bullying. I would file a police report. Not sure why you are focused on your so-called friend. The matter at hand is putting an end once and for all to this repeated bullying of your daughter.

Original poster
Ems11 · 20/03/2022 10:30

She was never ‘forced’ to be friends with her.
She is a Jekyll and Hyde type, she was her best friend one day then her mortal enemy the next. She would hug kiss and adore her one day and ignore her the next.
I had arguments with my daughter about staying away from her but my daughter with cry and say she wanted to be friends with her.
It wasn’t a black and white situation.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 20/03/2022 10:33

I voted YABU because you should have put a stop to this and walked away from the friendship years ago.

PierresPotato · 20/03/2022 10:40

I know children can definitely be drawn into these types of love / hate friendships. It maybe didn't help to see you perpetually forgiving them though.

What I'd do from now is make the decision that whatever occurs between the girls any friendship is over with this other adult. Not ignore, not be rude bit simply be a polite neighbour not a friend.
She has shown loyalty to her daughter and you should show loyalty to yours, even if the girls decide to he friends again at some point. The mother is not a person I'd want in my headspace ever again.

PumpkinPie2016 · 20/03/2022 10:49

I'm sorry that your daughter has been bullied this way.

When they were little, I think you were right to speak to the mum. They were friends for long periods so again, I think it fair to assume it had been dealt with. Young kids often fall out and are friends again quickly.

Now it has escalated to cyber bullying - particularly as it carried on by other means once she was blocked. You have tried to resolve it with the mum and it hasn't worked.

I would send the messages to the other girl's school and report it to the police, with the evidence.

Beautiful3 · 20/03/2022 10:50

Yes show your daughter solidarity, by severing this friendship. Something similar happened to me. I handled it well, but due to her denials, I had no choice but to cut off that friendship.

Crimesean · 20/03/2022 10:57

If her DD is cyber bullying yours you can still report to your. DDs school and her DDs school (saying x is harassing and cyber bullying a girl in x school you need to be aware of this as shortly police will be involved) as well as police if required

^ this

Nanny0gg · 20/03/2022 10:58

One of my kids had a serious fall out with their best friend who was the child of my best friend.

We were able to let them get on with it and we're still best friends because from that day the kids ignored each other. No spite, no dragging anyone else in, they just went their separate ways.

If my DC had been treated like yours then my friendship would have ended instantly. Your child has to know you have their back.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/03/2022 10:59

What you should have done years ago is see the mother on her own if you wanted to keep the friendship. Why you would have spent years allowing someone to bully your daughter is beyond me. However that is in the past and you now need to put it right, delete these people from your life and help your daughter make new friends

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/03/2022 11:21

I have a neighbour like this and after similar issues for 5 years, we distanced ourselves. The manipulation from my neighbour's daughter was very strange, as was the way her mum dealt with her. She would let awful behaviour go, and then come down on her extremely hard for something that I thought was insignificant. As much as I didn't want them mixing, I was also worried about getting the daughter in trouble as the mum seemed so irrational, I was concerned she would go overboard with her daughter as I have seen her very upset in the past. There is a family history there and I explained this to my daughter. I just said that they could be 'friends' but to keep a healthy distance. You don't want awkwardness but also just disassociate from them and their bad behaviour.

CityCommuter · 20/03/2022 11:24

@Ems11 please stop prolonging the agony of this so called 'friendship'... they are no friends to you or your DD and you know this deep down - sorry to be so blunt but you obviously need to be told this! How you can have our up with such appalling behaviour from both of them for so many years is beyond me! I know you said it was ok at times when they were friends again but it returned to bullying and taunting didn't it? Are you really that desperate for friends that you want to keep these awful people in your lives because that's what they are?

Show your DD how it should be done and show her some respect, she should not tolerate this behaviour from ANYONE! The only thing you're teaching her is that she should put up with abuse and tolerate it... further down the line as an adult she might think it's ok to tolerate an abusive BF / partner because that's what she's been taught so it's not her fault! Stop this now! I'd be furious if I was your DD as you're making her look like a fool in front of that girl... to her it looks like you're on the bullies side not your DD's...

Nothappyatwork · 20/03/2022 11:29

Carry on the friendship ? I’d have knocked her fucking block off months ago. Every day you continue a relationship with that girls mother it proves to your daughter that she’s not important in your life and that you choose that friendship over her feelings I’m sure the people I put this far more eloquently than I have but you must immediately join team DD

Gilly12345 · 20/03/2022 11:29

Awkward as it may be I think this friendship is over.

Move on and enjoy life, your priority is your Daughter and save yourself any more upset by making new friends and spending time with the friends you have who have decent Daughters.

MsTSwift · 20/03/2022 11:41

It’s one thing if your kids are mutually no longer friends but if one is persistently cruel to the other it’s in a different league and you have to deal with that which is likely to annihilate the adult friendship.

Lots of my local friends are mums of my kids friends from primary - it’s actually a relief that now they are teens none of them are friends anymore (though we all are) they all in different “tribes” at school but none were actually mean to each other during the severance process thankfully.

MaudieandMe · 20/03/2022 12:01

Sorry, I know you don’t want to hear this but I think you’ve handled this badly from the start.

Of course your daughter wants to be friends with this girl. 🤦🏻‍♀️
It’s because you let this mother walk all over you and your daughter probably feels guilty every time there’s a falling out, because it briefly impacts on YOUR FRIENDSHIP with this woman. That’s why your daughter is desperate to stay friends with the girl. She’s doing it for YOU.

You need to put your daughter’s feelings first and start by ending this one-sided friendship permanently. Make it clear to your daughter that you made a mistake and were wrong to allow the other family to continue to treat her badly with no consequences for their appalling behaviour.

2bazookas · 20/03/2022 12:03

Your daughter looks to you for a role model.

You need to show her that when a friend keeps kicking you in the face,, that person is no longer a friend and you need to move on and leave them behind. NOT, hang around begging and appeasing the shameless bully .

Tell your daughter " This woman is not being a friend to me, so I'm telling her to take a hike and will have no further contact with her. Do the same to her daughter. Probably her daughter behaves so badly because of the uncaring way her mother treats people; it's their problem not ours. There's a world of new people out there and we WILL both make better friends.".

Maybe you could start some hobby, activity or interest together where you meet other neople.

StaplesCorner · 20/03/2022 12:03

So OP I can see this has been a long and not entirely straightfoward sitaution, but you can make it short and easy now - you have to go NC with this woman today. Its up to you whether you have it out with her first but I'd make sure any mutual friends knew the truth.

Thinkingblonde · 20/03/2022 12:06

Just reiterating what other posters have said, drop the friendship, both mother and daughter are just as bad as each other. She is no friend of yours if she condones this. By continuing the friendship you are sending out the wrong signals to your daughter.
I wonder if anyone else has or is being bullied by the daughter. I wouldn’t be surprised if so.
The mother isn’t doing her daughter any favours at all by ignoring her behaviour. One day she’ll pick on the wrong one and won’t like it one bit.
Try to encourage your girl to make new friends, advise her to block her on social media.

Shockedmama · 20/03/2022 12:12

A few months ago I could have written this myself. I kept trying holding out for the very few and far between nice parts. My ‘frrined’ never addressed it
It resulted in a really horrible incident of my daughter being very upset and then blamed for something I heard myself and did not happen. I ended it there and then I blocked them
On all social media and cut contact. I thoight I’d feel sad and worried it would make it worse for my daughter, but both me and my daughter are happier knowing we don’t deal with that rubbish anymore. More so I sent a clear message to my daughter that we don’t just keep blindly trying to get on with people who don’t respect us back. It actually helped her to be stronger seeing that I was no longer tolerating it.
Sometimes we hold
On to friendships for memories, fear fo loneliness, doubting ourselves. And the more we put up with the more they do it. This girl has had no consequences so she is escalating. I would block them
All end contact and if it’s actually bullying to committing a crime report it to school/police
I hope your ok it can be confusing when a ‘friend’ is allowing this but there’s a reason her daughter is like that. It sounds like an sbusive relationship your daughter can’t leave unless you do xxx

Shockedmama · 20/03/2022 12:16

@hybridoaties

I really don't want this to sound nasty but I am really gobsmacked that you've allowed your daughter to be systematically bullied for the sake of your friendship. Was it worth it? Is this friendship that fulfilling that your poor little girl has spent years feeling Second best.

This has been going on since she was a baby... no wonder the other girls feels like your daughter is an easy target. You really need to take a look in the mirror and address the issues you have that has allowed the situation to arise and sustain for so many years.

Your poor daughter. Stay well away from this woman and her awful child and concentrate on yourself and your daughter.

Actually the op has tried to deal with it how grown ups deal with things. And through this has learnt that this mum doesn’t respond the way normal grown women do! It can be hard when your in a situation.

Op the main thing is you are going to turn your back on this relationship now and that will
Send a very clear message

ToasterOfMarshmallows · 20/03/2022 12:17

Email the screenshots to the other girl's school to inform them of the kind of behaviour she is involved in. Just because her Mother won't reprimand her doesn't mean school won't have a word. If she is doing it to your DD then there is a possibility she does it to others, her school needs to be aware of her behaviour.