Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Friend won’t accept daughter hurt mine

114 replies

Ems11 · 20/03/2022 08:45

I have been friends with someone over 15 years. We both have daughters the same age. They had been friends since they were 3 years old. As the years went on there were incidences between them at first very innocent but escalated. Her daughter pinching mine, pushing her saying mean things, hiding her toys or breaking them.
We always tried sorted things out between us but there was never really acknowledgement of any wrong doing which I let go for the sake of our friendship.
The girls are now teenagers and things has turned toxic. There has been subtle exclusion at first, alienation, turning mutual friends against her, fat shaming, calling her ugly name but a few. I went to my friend but it all fell on deaf eyes. She wasn’t punished and her daughter actually gloated at me the next day laughing into my face to show my chat didn’t work. My friend went on like nothing happened and for a few months so did I for the sake of our friendship.
Then the group chats started, she added my daughter into group chats with other girls calling fat, ugly, loner etc. My daughter was so upset. I went to my friend again. Screenshot the messages and sent them to her. Again nothing just well they shouldn’t be friends anymore if they don’t get on. No acknowledgement for the things said.
I have always tried to keep our friendship separate to the girls but it’s been at the detriment of my daughter.
Her daughter is going around happy as Larry with all the friends while my daughter sits in. My friend and I, our friendship seems to be ruined. It’s so awkward now, it’s like we avoid eye contact if we do bump into each other.

Would you let the friendship go and leave sleeping dogs lie?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ems11 · 20/03/2022 09:07

I didn’t stand by and allow it, I confronted the mother on it each time and incident happened. There were points over the years they were friends again but always something else seemed to happen.
Any advice I’d got from mutual friends of us both was ah the kids will be friends again no point falling out with each other over it.

My daughter has always been my priority but in the last month or two it’s escalated to cyber bullying with prove. All other times it was her daughters word against mine and obviously she chose to believe her daughter over mine hence no punishment.

OP posts:

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/03/2022 09:08

I would have dropped the friendship with a resounding crash a long time ago.

However your ex friend is somewhat correct that the girls need to stay apart from each other. I would be supporting my daughter in building other friendships, getting involved in groups and activities etc.

Lurking9to5 · 20/03/2022 09:08

Can you go to your daughter and say sorry you didn't give up on the friendship earlier, tell her you thought the adult would SEE sense and get through to her own daughter but it didn't and you're sorry. All this time, your dd must have felt so eroded and betrayed. Not saying that to make you feel shit but try and make up for it now by telling your dd that you made the wrong call and you know you made the wrong call and you're sorry for that.

Theunamedcat · 20/03/2022 09:08

Get your daughter a new phone number

Get a new friend

Ikeptgoing · 20/03/2022 09:09

Sorry realise now that's different schools as cross posted with your latest post.

If her DD is cyber bullying yours you can still report to your. DDs school and her DDs school (saying x is harassing and cyber bullying a girl in x school you need to be aware of this as shortly police will be involved) as well as police if required .

Invite those mutual friends but NOT her DD to activities with your DD - only if the others have not joined in bullying or your DD as drop them if they have- and exclude the bully FriendsDD! Invite new school friends round for your DD so she isn't alone

Be tiger mum

But no I wouldn't ignore evidence of my child was a nasty bully and I haven't - when there's been any mix up or bad behaviour even if mutual by my child and a friends child. We talk it out and support girls to resolve it or if. Or we keep them apart and tell them how disappointed we are in their behaviours as it's not ok!

Hiddenvoice · 20/03/2022 09:10

I’d cut all contact with this friend. I’d change your daughters phone number and explain to her she should only give it out to close friends.
It’s sad you’ve lost a friend over this but clearly the friend doesn’t really care and is letting her child get away with it all.
Id avoid seeing her and if our with mutual friends who mention this woman then I’d stay quiet.
You’re doing the right thing by standing by your daughter!

HellToTheNope · 20/03/2022 09:10

Who was pushing for the girls to be friends? They don't even go to school together, and it seems they never really got on.

ZaraSizeMedium · 20/03/2022 09:10

Time to start prioritising your daughter, rather than yourself and your friendship.

Original poster

Ems11 · 20/03/2022 09:12

When I say ‘punished’ I meant her mother accepting what she did was wrong and actually having consequences but has never happened

OP posts:

AHungryCaterpillar · 20/03/2022 09:13

Wow I’m surprised you put up with it for so long, the friendship would have been over a long time ago for me.

Original poster

Ems11 · 20/03/2022 09:13

We live on the same street, a few doors away from each other.

OP posts:

Curtilage · 20/03/2022 09:15

You’re focusing on the wrong thing. You can’t make your ‘friend’ punish her bullying daughter. What you can do, and should have done long since, is to stop sticking your head in the sand, made sure there were consequences for your ‘friend’, and acted to support your daughter in dealing with what sounds like longterm cyber bullying and making friends. (Why is this girl still able to message her?) Your frankly bizarre wish to avoid ‘awkwardness’ has taught your daughter that, for her mother, ‘avoiding awkwardness’ is more important than her child.

Soubriquet · 20/03/2022 09:17

I would have chosen my daughter, and her happiness, over a 15 year old friendship right from the start.

From the moment her daughter became nasty, and she refused to address it, I would have cut her off and said why

SoupDragon · 20/03/2022 09:18

I'd tell her straight out that her daughter is a nasty bully and for that reason your friendship is over.

Ikeptgoing · 20/03/2022 09:18

Sorry in my first post I mistyped

Never make your DD spend one second with this meangirl (DD) again.

It sounds like you've done all you can Challenging etc each time

Re evidence - So take screen shots of the nasty comments from her DD to yours
Send to your friend of her Dd being a bully

Say I have blocked her and she is not to contact DD again - this is cyber bullying

You dont need to say the rest to your ignorant friend
You can say to other people "(name) is banned from our house .." "unfortunately (name) was cyber bullying DD so she's not allowed near" "no we're not friends her DD was bullying" when asked why she's not round if it ever comes up

Nspcc has some online advice and resources on how to deal with child bullying as do Young minds

www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/coping-with-life/bullying/

CMZ2018 · 20/03/2022 09:20

Every time she bullies your daughter, sort her mom out, the message will get through rather quickly.

Ikeptgoing · 20/03/2022 09:21

@Ems11
OP you're doing such a drip feed in your posts

That they aren't at same school and live few doors away is incredibly relevant key information

You'll end up with PP missing that as hidden in your posts 40 posts in, so some of the advice you'll be given won't quite work when the other girl lives so close you pass her all the time

Iamkmackered1979 · 20/03/2022 09:22

Her daughter sounds awful but as her mother doesn’t seem bothered about what a vile little witch her daughter is why would you still be ‘friends’ with someone like that?…step back from her and make nicer friends.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2022 09:23

I also think you should report the cyber bullying to the girl’s and your dd’s school. Your ‘friend’ is no friend as she doesn’t seem to care about your dd, especially having known her since she was 3. This is not a normal reaction to an incident of bullying. I don’t have many friends. But the ones, who have stood the test of time would be on this. Not so much the ones, who’ve fallen by the wayside.

Branleuse · 20/03/2022 09:23

I would speak to the other girls school. I would also report to the police.

Original poster

Ems11 · 20/03/2022 09:26

@Curtilage

Perhaps I am not explaining myself properly. The bullying was not non stop, it started and stopped sometimes with big breaks where they were friends again after I’ve had conversations. In my head it was being dealt with as it stopped. It’s only now they’ve gotten to be teenagers it got worse.

The cyber bullying was twice. Once last year and then once a month ago. Last year my daughter had blocked her so she got her friend to set up a group chat to taunt her. U went straight to her mother and she did say I’ll deal with her etc but it didn’t happen.
My daughter was not friends with her after that until she posted a picture on social media taunting my daughter again! My daughter say it through a mutual friends page. Again she set up a group chat with 2 other girls that were also my daughters friend at one time calling her fat etc.
when I confronted friend AGAIN her response was I’ve had a word and I told her to let other people do their own talking in future, nothing about what HER daughter said.

I do accept it has gone on too long and I accept my part in it.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 20/03/2022 09:27

She’s not your friend, she’s just as bad (if not worse) than her dd. Show your dd that you won’t put up with it and ditch the friend. No way would I be calling her a friend when she’s allowing her daughter to bully yours.

Kaleidoscope2 · 20/03/2022 09:30

Let the friendship go - I don't think friendships with parents and the kids can ever be seperate truly. You'd also expect a decent friend by virtue of being your friend to not want your daughter upset and vice versa. I could maybe excuse her downplaying your direct chat if she thought you were exaggerating or overreacting but not the screenshot and evidence - sounds like in her eyes mums princess can do no wrong which is an awful lesson to teach.

You need to report the girl if they're at the same school for bullying. Also report the wider group that's been joining in. You also need to really support your daughter, you've been inadvertently undermining the situation for the sake of this friendship.

Cut your ties with the whole family and focus on helping your daughter build her friendship circle and her confidence. Maybe see if there are local clubs or youth programmes she might enjoy and give her a change of scene.

Wedonttalkaboutrats · 20/03/2022 09:35

Op, you clearly love your daughter but I can’t believe you’re still friends with this child’s mum. You have to show your daughter how much you love her and that you’ve got her back.
Personally I would confront the daughter and her mum together. Lay it all out clearly so that there can be absolutely no misunderstandings, turn on your heel and walk away.

Southbucksldn · 20/03/2022 09:36

This is awful for your daughter. Just drop them both. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t.
I would have also told off the bully too! If they are neighbours you would have had the opportunity.
You need to show your daughter any bullying is unacceptable. Otherwise she will accept nasty behaviour from friends and partners in the future.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread