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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly sick of toxic positivity?

119 replies

Goldenbunnies · 20/03/2022 08:03

Over the last 4 years, I have had some of the most difficult and painful experiences of my life. A close family member passed away, I had a cancer scare which required surgery, ex DP cheated on me while I was pregnant, then abandoned me and DC when I ended things and witheld money for DC (dodger maintenance by being ‘self employed’), I had a bad episode of depression and gained 50lbs which I’m trying really hard to lose.

Despite all this, anyone I have opened up to about how difficult the last few years have been have had the same sort of response - everything happens for a reason, try not to dwell on the negatives, don’t you feel grateful to have healthy DC. I know people say these things with good intentions but I find it so deflating. Social media is awash with the same sort of stuff.

AIBU to feel fed up with it and just want to be able to acknowledge that the past few years of my life have been pretty shit?

OP posts:
SilverGlassHare · 20/03/2022 08:05

It does sound awful. I’m really sorry to hear you’ve had a bad few years. I hope things are starting to look up now Flowers

PhoboPhobia · 20/03/2022 08:07

YANBU. Sometimes you just need someone to listen and say ‘I’m sorry everything is shit. That must be hard’. or words to that effect.

You have had an incredibly shit time and it would take a saint to put a positive spin on things. I am sorry you’ve had so much to deal with. I hope you are doing ok and that things will improve Flowers

Horological · 20/03/2022 08:09

I’m so sorry OP. That all sounds like shit and I really hope things improve for you.

I get exactly what you are saying about toxic positivity. It’s like nobody is allowed to have a hard time, tell the truth about how it feels and simply have people listen and keep you company through it, however long it takes.

The worst, worst things are ‘gratitude journals’

CoraggioCara · 20/03/2022 08:09

Sorry to hear it's all been so awful. IME people really struggle when things are genuinely shit and it's more comfortable for them to force a count your blessings narrative than to give you space to talk about things being bad.

A very kind and wise friend said something helpful to me when things were bad for me, i said through tears 'i know it could be a lot worse' to which she replied, 'yeah, but it could be a lot better as well'.

I'm sorry it's all been so awful.

saturdayhelicopter · 20/03/2022 08:10

It is toxic. Brene Brown did a good podcast on why the expectation of constant positivity is damaging at best.

I'm sorry xx

LittleSnakes · 20/03/2022 08:11

I completely agree. It’s basically a way of them saying that they don’t want to talk about it or listen to your upset. It’s the opposite of active listening.

ChiselandBits · 20/03/2022 08:17

Absolutely. It's closely related to the idea that you mustn't ever feel anxious, sad or stressed, even if you're doing or going through something difficult or upsetting. Those are normal feelings, not 'wrong' ones that need to be fixed with counselling or medication. Time, working on the problem and acknowledgment that things are shit right now is important. Good luck with it all x

HangingOver · 20/03/2022 08:19

"everything happens for a reason" has only ever been said to me by people who haven't had much wrong with their lives.

A friend sad it to me in a throwaway manner once and I said to her, 'you need to be really really careful who you say that to mate. Things happen for a reason in the sense that there's jam on the floor because you dropped the jar...but if you mean it in a hippy dippy cosmic justice sort of way, bare in mind if someone had told me everything happened for a reason when I was nursing my mother who took three months to die in horrific pain, I'd have not very politely asked what possible reason there could be for that'.

She looked appalled - I don't think she'd every thought of the implications of that phrase - she just uses it to contextualise minor inconveniences in her own life.

couchparsnip · 20/03/2022 08:21

I hate the phrase 'everything happens for a reason'. It's absolute bollocks. Sometimes awful things happen to people for no good reason at all and saying this sort of crap makes it worse.

inheritancetrack · 20/03/2022 08:23

I understand what you're saying and good friends will acknowledge your difficult time and allow you to talk some issues through, but new people you meet don't really want to wallow in other people's misery. Other people may have also had a difficult time (we're almost through a pandemic), worries about jobs, money and health and they don't want the burden of other people's sadness.

Frankly I'd save these confidences until you get into sharing mode.

I don't know you but you have to understand there are people who love to wallow in misery and depress everyone around them. I hope you are not one of these but you have to see that other people are doing their best to stay afloat and do come out with annoying platitudes.

inheritancetrack · 20/03/2022 08:24

The everything happens for a reason is utter shite though

Original poster
Goldenbunnies · 20/03/2022 08:26

@inheritancetrack

I understand what you're saying and good friends will acknowledge your difficult time and allow you to talk some issues through, but new people you meet don't really want to wallow in other people's misery. Other people may have also had a difficult time (we're almost through a pandemic), worries about jobs, money and health and they don't want the burden of other people's sadness.

Frankly I'd save these confidences until you get into sharing mode.

I don't know you but you have to understand there are people who love to wallow in misery and depress everyone around them. I hope you are not one of these but you have to see that other people are doing their best to stay afloat and do come out with annoying platitudes.

I’m not sure what gave that impression, but it is only people close to me I have opened up to. I would never tell new people such personal stuff.
OP posts:
Original poster
Goldenbunnies · 20/03/2022 08:27

@saturdayhelicopter

It is toxic. Brene Brown did a good podcast on why the expectation of constant positivity is damaging at best.

I'm sorry xx

I will give this a listen Smile Thank you Flowers
OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 20/03/2022 08:28

I totally get this and I agree it’s very damaging.

I think a lot of people nowadays genuinely struggle to process the emotions around really tough things. They don’t know what to do with themselves.

magicstars · 20/03/2022 08:30

That does all sound like a shit time for you.

It's not fair & it didn't 'happen for a reason'. You will be stronger for it, because you've not had many other options. People say 'I don't know how you've done it', 'I'm not as strong as you' etc... actually I didn't choose to have to be tough. I dug deep for strength, as you have & It's exhausting.

💐

StopThe · 20/03/2022 08:32

I totally agree. You have had an awful time and it's ok to acknowledge that, feel sad/angry/upset. Those are normal responses and enable you to process bad things and move on.

I'm sorry that happened to you. You must be very strong to be coping. Good luck in the future.

Eddielizzard · 20/03/2022 08:32

I agree, we absolutely need the space to be able to talk about bad stuff. That's how we can come to terms with it. This constant desire to pretend everything is always fabby dosy is very destructive.

3Daddy31982 · 20/03/2022 08:32

My stepdad passed from cancer then covid. My male neighbour passed away and he was lovely. I miss our chats. My sons dad collapsed at work and fitted. He has a cancerous brain tumour that's likely to take his life in next 4 years. Close friend died of covid.

My mum has cancer. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.

bluedodecagon · 20/03/2022 08:33

I don’t think it’s toxic positivity so much as them saying that they don’t really want to hear it.

We’re in the middle of a global pandemic (yes, still) with a cost of living crisis that is about to decimate most people’s quality of life. There’s war in Europe.

Most people’s mental health is hanging on by a thread. They are politely telling you that they don’t want to be the confidant you vent to in order to feel better. They are robbing you off, basically.

Can you access therapy?

bluedodecagon · 20/03/2022 08:33

*fobbing you off

StrawberrySquash · 20/03/2022 08:34

"everything happens for a reason" has only ever been said to me by people who haven't had much wrong with their lives.

I didn't think this was about things happening because they are your own fault. I have always taken it to mean that these things make you stronger or open up new opportunities. Which I also think is a massive oversimplification. Bad things are bad and it's important we come to terms with them being so.
Sometimes bad things lead to new, good things. But other times they just male things bad. And it's not fair to to pretend otherwise.

Fishpondinthegarden · 20/03/2022 08:34

It’s come to something when you have to pay to say things are shit, though.

whichiswitch · 20/03/2022 08:34

I'd a similar experience a few years ago. Being bullied at work, numerous failed ivf attempts, put on a lot of weight, husband seriously ill. My best friend completely cut me off for not being positive enough. Looking back she did me a favour. It's normal to feel down when bad things happen and you don't need toxic people adding to the problems.

Owieeee · 20/03/2022 08:34

So sorry to hear this op. I hope you are on the road to recovery. I find that people do this when they don't want to help tbh... This is so much less than what you have been through but I had a period of severe sleep deprivation with small dcs, I actually hit a low one day and got quite ill with a virus. My DH was away and when I said to a family member I struggling I was basically told to stop moaning and at least I wasn't in Yemen or words to that effect. ( I rarely spoke to them re sleep problems and had hit a low) The person in question would never help practically and was prob terrified I'd ask. I never ever talk to anyone now bar my DH if I am struggling as I would just be hit with chin up comments etc.

EvilKinevil · 20/03/2022 08:35

I am also not a fan of “what can you learn from this?” A horse from the same stable as “everything happens for a reason.”
So on top of experiencing the sad bad things, you then have to go away and do homework on it. And feed back to the person you were speaking to as though they’re some kind of authority. Ugh.

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