To be utterly sick of toxic positivity?

[Goldenbunnies]

Over the last 4 years, I have had some of the most difficult and painful experiences of my life. A close family member passed away, I had a cancer scare which required surgery, ex DP cheated on me while I was pregnant, then abandoned me and DC when I ended things and witheld money for DC (dodger maintenance by being ‘self employed’), I had a bad episode of depression and gained 50lbs which I’m trying really hard to lose.

Despite all this, anyone I have opened up to about how difficult the last few years have been have had the same sort of response - everything happens for a reason, try not to dwell on the negatives, don’t you feel grateful to have healthy DC. I know people say these things with good intentions but I find it so deflating. Social media is awash with the same sort of stuff.

AIBU to feel fed up with it and just want to be able to acknowledge that the past few years of my life have been pretty shit?

@Peakypolly

With this in mind, how would you address sending a (21st) birthday card to my family member who is having a very tough time with her mental health. My tendency was always a 'find how to dance in the rain' type message but now, thanks to conversations like these, I realise how inappropriate and even offensive they can seem. Currently she is unable to see anyone apart from her next of kin. I do want to acknowledge her birthday but don't know what to say. Any tips Goldenbunnies or anyone?

I would write “Dear Niece, sending you my best wishes for your birthday. I’m sorry things are so hard at the moment and I hope the next year is an easier one for you. Don’t forget I’m always there on the end of the phone if you want a chat/silly auntie joke” or something those lines

I agree. I was on a date with someone and I told him my mother has Alzheimer’s. His response was to tell me “it’ll make you a stronger person”
I don’t want to be a stronger person, I just want a mother who can remember who her family are

You can acknowledge that it’s been shit but how far does that get you? Only so far… at some point your thoughts have to change and it’s not toxic positivity to have people try and help you with that. I hate all this stuff about “toxic positivity” as it’s like the word “narcissist” where everyone thinks they know all about it. The foundation of most types of therapy is to be able change unhelpful thoughts into one’s that are more
Helpful. That’s it. So what is the point in anyone being stuck in the same place because they won’t hear anyone giving alternatives?

I had to end a friendship because of someone with toxic positivity. She always saw the bright side of everything, and didn't believe in being down about anything. So when my DM passed away she for some bizarre reason expected me to be happy and over it only 6 months after. She couldn't understand why I was still depressed and sad, when she had as much tragedy in her life but she'd "moved on with her life" and I couldn't. Our "friendship" was never the same for years afterwards to the point where we dont speak anymore.

@RobotValkyrieb It's because I can self soothe that I don't need my friends to soothe me and I don't expect to soothe them constantly. Every now and then is fine but I'm not a comfort blanket. I'm a happy positive person to be around but in return I want to be around happy, positive people, not fun suckers.

I think it's not a great thing that people feel they have to respond and think in terms of positivity all the time - but people really struggle not to. We don't really allow for being sad or melancholy as a normal part of life, especially if it goes on for long. We even medicalize it.

@Horological

I’m so sorry OP. That all sounds like shit and I really hope things improve for you.

I get exactly what you are saying about toxic positivity. It’s like nobody is allowed to have a hard time, tell the truth about how it feels and simply have people listen and keep you company through it, however long it takes.

The worst, worst things are ‘gratitude journals’

Going to have to completely disagree with you over the gratitude journals and feel it may actually help the OP. Sometimes it’s good to recognise the good in your life, however small. The small good things can often lead onto bigger good things.

Sunny two bridges, one can still be happy in the midst of grief

Here's the thing, if your friend breaks their leg do you respond with:

Oh no, I'm so sorry/That's so shit . How are you feeling? How can I help ? Or some variation of this.

Or :

Everything happens for a reason.
Well at least you only broke one leg.
Just think how much stronger your other leg will be.
Your cast will look so cool!

?

If you'd normally respond with the first, the same principle applies for trauma,hurt feelings,anger ,sadness ,grief etc. it's not rocket science.

Grrrr! Drives me mad. What are you grateful for today? Count your blessings. Shitty inspirational quotes. I totally agree with you op. Sometimes you just need acknowledgment that you are having a shit time and for someone to just listen without telling you to be strong and think positive. The one that really annoys me is ‘you have got this’ Well no actually I haven’t, it’s all falling apart here.

Thanks Samphire and Bower

I hear you OP.

Have you read Oliver Burkeman's The Antidote: Happiness for people who can't stand positive thinking? It's a good read and will give you some relief from the 'look on the bright side' crap people come out with.

A lot of the time I think it might be well meant, but it's mostly to make the speaker feel better. I choose very carefully who I moan to these days.

OTOH endless negativity can be pretty draining. DH can get really, really grumpy when he's feeling down: it doesn't help him and makes people just avoid him. I try to aim for a middle ground: realistic, acknowledging pain and trauma, but not inflicting a stream of doom, gloom and grumpiness on people that don't deserve it.

It all really depends. You said you've had it bad for 4 years. If you've been complaining for that long, I can fully understand why you're hit with a positive message because its really draining being around people who only ever highlight the misery in life.

You can acknowledge that it’s been shit but how far does that get you? Only so far… at some point your thoughts have to change and it’s not toxic positivity to have people try and help you with that… The foundation of most types of therapy is to be able change unhelpful thoughts into one’s that are more helpful

You can’t change your thoughts until you’re ready to do so, and sometimes you need time to come to terms with something. Rushing people into “changing their thoughts” smacks of not being able to respect the idea that people process things at different speeds and in different ways in favour of a “pull yourselves up by your bootstraps” approach. The idea that “acknowledgement doesn’t get you anywhere” implies that at each point in the process that there’s somewhere else to be.

This positivity thing is nothing new. It's what the dope-addled old hippies around here believe in: a mixture of Buddhism and 'spirituality' that enables them to be exceptionally selfish while believing they're wonderful human beings.

I had a neighbour who had a full-term stillbirth: terribly distressing. A couple of days after she came home from hospital, shocked and grieving, one of the lovely floaty spiritual women called round and explained to the distraught mother that she must have done something bad in a previous life to merit losing her baby. Another one of the enlightened spiritual lot told the man who ran the local shop that his motor neurone diagnosis (a horrible disease that involves awful suffering) would do wonders for his karma.

There are several similar charmers on this thread, I see.

@FrankLampardsBrokenHand

It all really depends. You said you've had it bad for 4 years. If you've been complaining for that long, I can fully understand why you're hit with a positive message because its really draining being around people who only ever highlight the misery in life.

It's not exactly OP's fault that shit happened is it? There's no specific timeline and life doesn't go "oh this person has had some really crap years and might lose some friends if she moans about anything else" .

In less than a year my father got diagnosed with cancer,then died ,then I found out I was adopted and then had a cancer scare. At which point should I have stopped "moaning" ? Which event could be ignored and got over it just in case it overwhelmed my friends? Or maybe that's actually better because it was just 6 months and not 4 years?

OP isn't talking about losing her favourite bag, washing machine died and her chocolate being unavailable. She had significant life events/trauma on top of each other that have left a mark and of course she wanted to talk about it. What the hell are friends for? Just banter ,drinks and the last episode of "Emily in Paris"?

This is one of the reasons I see a wonderful counsellor. She actually listens and her replies are always supportive.

*In less than a year my father got diagnosed with cancer,then died ,then I found out I was adopted and then had a cancer scare. At which point should I have stopped "moaning" ? Which event could be ignored and got over it just in case it overwhelmed my friends? Or maybe that's actually better because it was just 6 months and not 4 years?

OP isn't talking about losing her favourite bag, washing machine died and her chocolate being unavailable. She had significant life events/trauma on top of each other that have left a mark and of course she wanted to talk about it. What the hell are friends for? Just banter ,drinks and the last episode of "Emily in Paris"?*

What you've highlighted is that everybody goes through shit times. I get it. But there has to come a point where you just crack on. Opting to wallow instead is up to the individual. Just as its up to me to actively avoid it because I don't want my good mood drained away by other people's incessant negativity.

@couchparsnip

I hate the phrase 'everything happens for a reason'. It's absolute bollocks. Sometimes awful things happen to people for no good reason at all and saying this sort of crap makes it worse.

I agree. My sister is 30 and is going to have to live her life with cancer for however long she survives it. What possible f*ing reason is there for that? If someone said that to me they would be at risk of a black eye