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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner cheating

137 replies

Ellie19881 · 19/03/2022 21:49

My partner is at the pub with friends tonight watching the rugby. I’m not a jealous person so this was fine, sport is not my thing. I’ve just received a WhatsApp from a friend telling me that my partner is cheating. It’s someone who has no reason to lie. I’ve gone into full rage mode! What the actual fuck!

OP posts:
username9871028 · 20/03/2022 09:30

@Ellie19881

I’m going to go to bed and try to calm down and gather myself. I’m not usually a jealous person so this has knocked me a bit!
You don’t have to be a jealous person to be furious that your partner is cheating! What an arsehole
PinkiOcelot · 20/03/2022 09:43

@slashlover

The difference in replies to this and the current post where the OP got an anonymous letter are startling.
Massive difference really in that the OP husband is dead and she cannot ask him or check his phone or anything like that. That letter was purely malicious.
OrlandointheWilderness · 20/03/2022 09:44

Tbh I think you may actually be under reacting a bit!

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 20/03/2022 09:53

In this situation I think I would end up going to the pub and demanding to speak to him

BrimFullOfAsher · 20/03/2022 09:58

I'm with @KrisAkabusi on this, there hasn't actually been a single shred of evidence ir proof yet has there??

I get OP says the person who sent the msg has no reason to lie (that she knows of) but that's bit proof at all. And everyone saying they don't know why OP is putting up with this shit, what shit exactly? Currently she is putting up with her partner having a night out

Timeflyin · 20/03/2022 10:02

@BrimFullOfAsher

I'm with *@KrisAkabusi* on this, there hasn't actually been a single shred of evidence ir proof yet has there??

I get OP says the person who sent the msg has no reason to lie (that she knows of) but that's bit proof at all. And everyone saying they don't know why OP is putting up with this shit, what shit exactly? Currently she is putting up with her partner having a night out

And not coming home when she tells him they need a serious talk ? And then staying out all night as it’s going to be a “late one”? Yes perfectly fine way to be treated 🙄
BrimFullOfAsher · 20/03/2022 10:04

@timeflyin correct me if I'm wrong, be she requested he come home that night and not stay out, to which he agreed...

BrimFullOfAsher · 20/03/2022 10:05

OP requested he not stay out as they need to talk in the morning

slashlover · 20/03/2022 10:05

And not coming home when she tells him they need a serious talk ? And then staying out all night as it’s going to be a “late one”? Yes perfectly fine way to be treated

He was going to stay out but came home when OP asked him. Maybe he thought, quite sensibly, that a serious talk while he was drunk wasn't the best idea.

Lou98 · 20/03/2022 10:06

@Timeflyin she messaged him and said they need to talk "in the morning" - it doesn't exactly scream needing to talk urgently.

She also said it's usual for him to stay out if drinking (my Partner and I both do this if we're staying out late so we don't disturb the other) so unless it was out of the blue it doesn't in itself say he's cheating.

It's fine to want answers and definitely confront him about it but all she has is the word of the women's ex, the woman had form for cheating but the OP hasn't said her Partner has, there's every chance the ex has just seen them talking and put 2 and 2 together to make 5

PinaColada123456 · 20/03/2022 10:08

[quote JennyHogon]@Lockheart I was just about to say that I wish people on MN would stop banging on about changing the locks. You can't just do this. OP, I'd at least talk to him, rather than relying on a weird whatsapp message.[/quote]
@JennyHogon Yes she can. If she owns the place, and she says 'partner' so they're not married I presume.

LottyD32 · 20/03/2022 10:08

I'd have gone to the pub to see for myself.

HollowTalk · 20/03/2022 10:10

@LottyD32

I'd have gone to the pub to see for myself.

Well that depends on whether she has children at home.

Lou98 · 20/03/2022 10:24

@PinaColada123456 but you don't know she owns it - they could own it together, or he could own it himself. They could both be joint tenants - not being married doesn't mean she can just change the locks when it's both their homes. What if he done that?

PinaColada123456 · 20/03/2022 10:36

@Lou98 That's why I said "she owns the place". We don't know if she does or doesn't. But, if she does and he isn't on the deeds she can.

PinaColada123456 · 20/03/2022 10:37

@Lou98 Sorry that should be That's why I said "IF she owns the place".

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/03/2022 10:39

@PinaColada123456

Yes she can. If she owns the place, and she says 'partner' so they're not married I presume.

She doesn't say she is sole owner. If they are co-owners (probably more likely) then she can't just change the locks and deny him entry to his home.

Even if you split and still co-own the home that is the case. It's unfortunate when one of you is an arsehole but it's the law:

"Yes, you can change the locks on the house if the property is legally owned in just your name, but not if it is owned jointly with another person. If you own the house with your former partner, then you will need their permission to change the locks and you are obliged to give them a key if they ask for one."

BlueOverYellow · 20/03/2022 12:11

Good luck, op.

InFiveMins · 20/03/2022 12:29

Do you know the woman well that sent you the text? Could she have got the wrong end of the stick?

LottyD32 · 20/03/2022 12:41

hollowtalk
LottyD32 I'd have gone to the pub to see for myself.

Well that depends on whether she has children at home.

Take them with. This is something important enough to get them out of bed.

Blue4YOU · 20/03/2022 12:53

Why do people think that someone needs “proof” of a third party’s claim. The OP said she’d ask her partner. Her partner either is “guilty” or “innocent “ of cheating and he’s not in a court of law so the OP CAN assume there’s truth in the story: she’s not a judge weighing up evidence.
It’s daft for people to roll out the “what happened to innocent until proven guilty “ because that’s a position adopted in court, in countries that adopt that position as being the fairest way for criminal law to be conducted.
It doesn’t pertain to life outside a criminal case.
Anyway, as the supposed OW is the former wife of a female, not a typically jealous man, a lot of the attempts at “what if” by pp are irrelevant- either the ex wife is stirring shit up for malicious reasons, which the OP doesn’t accept, or she’s misconstrued events, which is possible but as she’s a friend of both the OP and her partner I’d imagine she’d say that there was flirting or whatever rather than “sleeping with” the “OW”.
Let’s hope the OP has a conversation that goes as she’d like

Nothappyatwork · 20/03/2022 12:56

I think this is the trouble these days everybody thinks they are on bloody judge Judy. You can’t just be unhappy with someone’s behaviour or have suspicions and for that to be enough for you to decide that you don’t wanna be with that person any more Sunmi even say that takes more strength of character than to have a death by 1000 cuts digging for evidence for years which he will eventually find gut instincts are rarely wrong - and then what ?

Mollymoostoo · 20/03/2022 13:06

@Ellie19881

I’ve just called him and asked him to come home as we need to chat about some things in the morning. He’s said that’s fine but he’ll be out for a while still and sleep in the spare room.
Why does he need to sleep in the spare room? You need to have a serious chat.
nitsandwormsdodger · 20/03/2022 13:08

If my wife said there were things to discuss in the morning I wouldn’t be so casual I’d want / demand to know what they were

Coolmama85 · 20/03/2022 13:31

OP, how is things now?