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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sister doesn’t want my son/her nephew at her wedding..

137 replies

Lj99 · 18/03/2022 21:06

So I’m stuck between an answer on this and looking what other people think..
my son is 16 months old and my sister is getting married in June so he’ll be 19 months by then, he’s a happy little boy & just wants to play all the time. My sister also has two boys who are 9 & 10 who id do absolutely anything for but unfortunately the feelings aren’t the same for her with my son, I know she loves him and doesn’t want anything bad to happen to him but she is and always has been very jealous of mine and my mums relationship and therefore things my son is my mums ‘favourite’ grandchild, which is ridiculous as she loves all her grandchildren equally.

Anyway, she’s asked if my partner can sit out of the wedding ceremony with my son and just join at the party but we’ve spent over £300 on a hotel room, travelling the day before so I can get up early & be at her hotel to help get ready and of course make sure my son and partner are ready also to travel the venue with my mum and step dad, I’ve organised her whole hen do and been to most dress appointments and I’m not maid of honour for those wondering, i am bridesmaids but I do get the feeling it’s purely because we’re sisters and because I refused to be bridesmaid if my son wasn’t allowed to go. The reason I refused was because other children on her partners side of the family are all going and she has paid for, I had to pay for my son but I’d rather. She explained to me how it’s because the registrar said no children which I understand but am I being dramatic for not being happy that she doesn’t want him there or would others feel the same with a young child?

This is a family and friend wedding with other 100 guests including plenty of other children.
She’s also suggested I got him a bow tie to match the colour of my nephews ties but I get the feeling it is only for the pictures to make her look good and so other people don’t wonder why he wasn’t involved as much.. my other family members seem to thing it’s her being unreasonable.

OP posts:
marcopront · 19/03/2022 05:41

@marcopront People are saying the sister lied and the registrar would not have said it.

I said at the end

I don't understand why so few people have focused on this part because it is not the sister's decision

Which I thought acknowledged that some people were saying the sister lied but the vast majority of people are ignoring the part about the registrar.

How did you interpret my comment about so few people thinking it wasn't the sister's decision?

lemongreentea · 19/03/2022 05:57

are you married OP? were her dc invited to her wedding and how old were they? if they were toddlers at the time and and noise during the ceremony then YABU. If not then YANBU.

but overall stop making your sisters wedding about you. she can have the day she wants.

waitingfortea · 19/03/2022 06:10

So other children are going which she has paid for?
But she doesn't want your son there and if he goes to the party after then you have had to pay for him yourself?
This doesn't really seem fair. I wouldn't be happy if my sibling did this.
I know people are saying it's her wedding and her choice but she's purposefully choosing for your son not to be there despite there being lots of other children there.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/03/2022 06:14

@marcopront

The local authority ts and cs would not include banning children. Being employed by a local authority, it is my opinion a registrar would not be legally allowed to ban children.

marcopront · 19/03/2022 06:59

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@marcopront

The local authority ts and cs would not include banning children. Being employed by a local authority, it is my opinion a registrar would not be legally allowed to ban children.[/quote]
I am not sure if you actually read what I wrote because I cannot see how your comment responds to it.

I agree it is unlikely the registrar said that but most people are not commenting on that and the OP doesn't mention that.

MichelleScarn · 19/03/2022 07:00

@GirlsTalk250

I went to a very smart wedding where a 2 year old was allowed by his DM to run around the church squealing during the vows. His DM was smiling round as though it was so cute. After he ran across the bride’s train leaving muddy footprints, a bridesmaid scooped him up and took him out. Hastily followed by his red faced DM.

I think your DSis has made the right call if she wants to ensure no interruptions.

This should be used as an example on every thread with the wide-eyed 'oh it's not a wedding without children, really it's all about them'... Of course you'd still get people saying the muddy footprints were amazing markers of love to be treasured!!
PissedOffNeighbour22 · 19/03/2022 07:11

My DD was 20mths at a recent family wedding and she was really well behaved. No issues whatsoever.
What was an issue was that the close family whose wedding it was decided that if she was to be a flower girl (as they'd requested) they wanted me to pay towards her dress but they get to take it off her and keep it afterwards Hmm. They also at the last minute decided that I needed to pay for my own dress and alteration costs despite me not wanting to be involved and effectively being forced via guilt to be a bridesmaid. They then gave me the opportunity to 'pull out', but threw a fit when I took them up on it. They even asked me later to purchase the flower girl dress so she could be in the photos after they cut her out of the wedding - exactly as OP said, so that it looked like they'd included her when they hadn't.

What it came down to was that they wanted all the bride's family involved and none of the groom's. They spent a fortune kitting out all of the kids from the bride's side and certainly didn't take any of the outfits back to keep for their non-existent kids as they were going to do to my DD.

I completely agree with not having kids at a wedding - but it's just not fair when it is just one being left out. It seems the OP's sister is behaving very similarly to my bridezilla SIL. If I was the OP I'd be reducing my role and just attending as a guest. If she pissed me off further I'd be trying to change that hotel to somewhere else and have a mini break instead.

autienotnaughty · 19/03/2022 07:16

I think more context is needed. Were you told from the start you child wasn't invited? If so I would have made a decision if I wanted to attend or get child care. Are any of the other children similar age? If yes then she is bu. Otherwise I'd let you oh entertain son then join party after ceremony.

TopCatsTopHat · 19/03/2022 07:25

I think it is a lie that the registrar has said no children. That's such a personal thing that I can't imagine any registrar wanting /being allowed to make that rule.
If she's lied about that it's because she's bu and knows it. That's my opinion anyway fwiw

Gizlotsmum · 19/03/2022 07:28

You say your sister thinks your son is favourite grandson, is there a chance that if DS disrupts the ceremony your mum will take him out /pay him attention over your sister? I assume DH would sit with them?

TheWeeDonkey · 19/03/2022 07:37

Weddings are weird and tend to bring out the worst in people which is why I can't stand them.
Your sister doesn't want to invite family to her wedding which seems like an odd choice to me, but we all have different priorities and now you know hers.
I'd probably try to be nice for the day, because it is her day, but that's just me, but I wouldn't forget that this is the dynamic of your family.

She doesn't see you and your family the same way you see her and she's not going to be the aunt you wanted her to be so protect your son and don't raise your expectations.

Moodycow78 · 19/03/2022 07:44

@Pyri

You are being unreasonable. It’s her day.
What's your unreasonable about complaining that your child has been excluded when others are going? I'd it was all children fair enough but picking on your 19 month old nephew die to jealousy takes the piss. You want to get a handle on this OP. Tbh if my sister tried to bully or ostracize my child we'd not be going to her bloody wedding or seeing her again Tbh.
Katieandthekids · 19/03/2022 07:45

I'm sorry but I totally understand where she is coming from not wanting toddler squeals all through her wedding ceremony. I have three kids of toddler/ baby age and will be stepping out with them all at my cousins wedding in the summer.

It's rubbish for you but it's her wedding day and she shouldn't have to make any allowances for anyone but her partner.

I didn't have kids at my wedding except my nieces who were 8 and 11 and so knew how to behave in the ceremony.

Sittinginthesand · 19/03/2022 07:48

Yabvu- weddings are not fun for toddlers. You will enjoy the service more and be able to focus on the service without him. It baffles me why you’d want to take a toddler to a wedding , they are so likely to be disruptive, through no fault of their own. Really selfish, but also self defeating.

hm246 · 19/03/2022 07:53

YABU. I took my 2 year old to a wedding in September, I watched the bride walk down the aisle then I had to take him straight out. A 19month old will not be able to sit through a ceremony.
When you say he can join the party after, can he join the wedding breakfast or just the reception?

Happymum12345 · 19/03/2022 07:59

@Migrainesbythedozen

I don’t think you can compare a wedding to seeing a bank manager! Of course if the toddler is crying or upset you would pop outside, but you can keep them happy for a little while when their vows are being exchanged. I’ve been to weddings with babies and toddler and have lovely memories of a happy day. I didn’t let my children distract anyone during the service or speeches and played with them during the rest of the day-danced/went for around the venue etc. It’s supposed to be a day of joy, not sitting in silence scared to make a sound.

MichelleScarn · 19/03/2022 08:05

It’s supposed to be a day of joy, not sitting in silence scared to make a sound.
A day of joy yes, for the happy couple the 'scared to make a sound' is a bit dramatic and probably indicative that you'd be expecting to be noisy.

MindfulMarch · 19/03/2022 08:08

@FrecklesMalone

If DH was asked to not attend the ceremony of my sister's wedding to look after our child he would be over the moon!
I really don't think he'd be alone in that!!
Chimchimcharoo · 19/03/2022 08:12

My daughter was that age when my brother got married. Although she wasn’t banned my husband had to remove himself and her from the ceremony- she was happy, playing, talking, restless and wanted to explore the room! He had no real place to go trying to entertain in the foyer and walking about outside so everyone could hear the service.

Juno22 · 19/03/2022 08:14

I think the clue may be in 'he just wants to play all the time'......

Pick your battles. Even if your little boy went to the ceremony he wouldn't remember it in years to come. He'll be there for the party.

And your comments about the bow tie just being for the photos sound a bit catty.

Qwill · 19/03/2022 08:15

We have taken children around that age to many weddings. Whoever of us knows the couple the least takes looks after the child during the ceremony. The child does not care a bit about the ceremony. Personally I find the ceremony a bit dull so always offer the childcare! It doesn’t sound like she doesn’t want him there as she’s invited him to the wedding, but as just asked that he doesn’t go to an hour of quiet time where he will be bored. I wouldn’t have had to be asked tbh.

Qwill · 19/03/2022 08:17

She’s your sister, so it means you get to enjoy watching her get married without any distractions. I’m sure your husband won’t mind skipping out on that bit either! Sounds like a win-win!

arethereanyleftatall · 19/03/2022 08:18

Yabu.

Amd so much dramatics in your op for - 'toddler free wedding reception.'

StooOrangeyForCrows · 19/03/2022 08:24

How can you not see you are being unreasonable?

We went to a wedding and the registrar had to stop four times because the congregation had to hear the vows for it to be legal. Four effin times! This was a baby and a toddler that was not benefitting from being there in any way but they ruined the mood, the video and the whole vibe.

Just no.

sausagesandchamp · 19/03/2022 08:25

Yabu. I think yabu to blackmail her with the bridesmaid thing too. And I'm not against toddlers at weddings. Your sister is and you should respect her choice for her day.