My sister doesn’t want my son/her nephew at her wedding..

[Lj99]

So I’m stuck between an answer on this and looking what other people think..
my son is 16 months old and my sister is getting married in June so he’ll be 19 months by then, he’s a happy little boy & just wants to play all the time. My sister also has two boys who are 9 & 10 who id do absolutely anything for but unfortunately the feelings aren’t the same for her with my son, I know she loves him and doesn’t want anything bad to happen to him but she is and always has been very jealous of mine and my mums relationship and therefore things my son is my mums ‘favourite’ grandchild, which is ridiculous as she loves all her grandchildren equally.

Anyway, she’s asked if my partner can sit out of the wedding ceremony with my son and just join at the party but we’ve spent over £300 on a hotel room, travelling the day before so I can get up early & be at her hotel to help get ready and of course make sure my son and partner are ready also to travel the venue with my mum and step dad, I’ve organised her whole hen do and been to most dress appointments and I’m not maid of honour for those wondering, i am bridesmaids but I do get the feeling it’s purely because we’re sisters and because I refused to be bridesmaid if my son wasn’t allowed to go. The reason I refused was because other children on her partners side of the family are all going and she has paid for, I had to pay for my son but I’d rather. She explained to me how it’s because the registrar said no children which I understand but am I being dramatic for not being happy that she doesn’t want him there or would others feel the same with a young child?

This is a family and friend wedding with other 100 guests including plenty of other children.
She’s also suggested I got him a bow tie to match the colour of my nephews ties but I get the feeling it is only for the pictures to make her look good and so other people don’t wonder why he wasn’t involved as much.. my other family members seem to thing it’s her being unreasonable.

Lots of people don’t have little children at a wedding. Are the other kids coming as young as him? If not then YABU. Also it just sounds like you don’t like your sister much.

Surely it is only the ceremony , he is not excluded. Maybe she does not trust your dp to remove him if he makes a noise. Why do you need them to be there if you are busy anyway.

@lisaandalan

I don't believe the registrar would say that I think she has said that herself. X

My mother was a registrar. The only children she would have queried care of would have been those of the bride and groom. She would have wanted to be sure that there was a nominated relative with that child/children who could take them out during the ceremony, if necessary. The parents were getting married so they absolutely couldnt deal with their own children. The children of other guests would not be her concern. It would be assumed that they would be removed the instant they got fidgety.

Hang on, so you'll be there at the wedding being bridesmaid then there's a meal and a party.

You had to pay for your son to go to the meal / party because she wasn't going to invite him but you said if she didn't (but you'd cover his costs) you wouldn't be a bridemaid?

What will DH actually miss out on? The ceremony or ceremony and meal?

She isn't being unreasonable at all.
I know people have different thoughts about children at weddings, but her thoughts are the important ones at her wedding.
Toddlers and ceremonies don't generally mix well.

So you've paid out for all this stuff for her wedding... and THEN she wants to change her mind about having your son there?

I'd tell her OK he wont be there but she needs to refund everything you've paid out and you won't be there either. It is one thing to be child free from the beginning and you make decisions based on that - but to wait until you have paid out enormous costs... nah that's pathetic!

he’s a happy little boy & just wants to play all the time

Are we all assuming this is a euphemism?

What will your toddler miss out on by not being at the ceremony? Hint: nothing.
Is your DH really keen to see his SIL say her vows? Would he chose that, along with the stress of keeping your DC quiet, over sitting outside? If so, I'll be surprised.

Just do it, and also stick the bow tie on. Why would you not?

She explained to me how it’s because the registrar said no children which I understand

This is a family and friend wedding with other 100 guests including plenty of other children

Are all the other children of an age that they’ll sit through a ceremony properly (school age, basically)?

It’s no massive big deal for your DP to occupy your DS for 45 mins, surely? You’ll have all the rest of the day together.

There's clearly a massive backstory to this situation and it's not just the wedding that's the only issue. I'd be a bit miffed too if my sibling was getting married and didn't want my child to be there, especially as there is lots of other children and family children going. Its quite a close relative too, not the children of some random cousin you see once every few years. That's the issue here really isn't it. It's not the fact that he might be a disruptive age, it's you feeling that she dislikes your little boy.

I don't think it's an unreasonable request but I don't think your partner should have to automatically sit out the ceremony. He should just be ready to go out IF your son becomes disruptive. That's just common sense though. I had several babies between 6 - 18 months at my wedding and we didn't hear a peep out of them. Also it's a lie that the registrar said that, it's really nothing to do with them who you invite to your wedding.

I think she's being unreasonable to completely ban him, the acceptable thing to do would be to prep him before as much as you can about being quiet as a mouse at the actual ceremony and then if he does start making a noise/wriggling and being a pain then one of you removes him from the room and out of earshot straight away. I'd also seriously consider taking him for a long walk/playground session to tire him out beforehand if there's time.

I don't think it's right she's excluding your toddler.

My brother did the same to my son. The only child on both sides of the family and he wasn't to go, so I didn't go either.

I've sat outside with my toddler and dh's brother's wedding and he did the same at my sister's wedding. Toddler's are a ballache at weddings unless you have an exceptionally well behaved one (I don't). What a parent might find cute is potentially spoiling the vows ie the most meaningful bit of the wedding or the video which is quite expensive.

I don't know if you're a first time mum or not but in my experience you move on pretty quickly from being offended that your kid isn't welcome at a wedding to being relieved.

For those saying if he makes a noise just take him out miss the point- at that point he has already caused a disturbance. I don’t think it’s wrong that she doesn’t want a toddler in the ceremony. Older children are different as you can communicate with them the importance of being quiet.
It’s her wedding, let her just have this.

Respectfully, I think you're projecting issues from one situation to another.

• You don't think she loves your son as much as you love hers
• You said she thinks your child is the "golden grandchild". You don't see it.
• you think her asking your child to not be a guest at the ceremony is a slight towards your child...

Your child would be a guest, a guest who does not care even the smallest amount about watching her get married. He doesn't care what she's wearing and he will be bored. Your partner will be stressed out trying to keep him calm/quiet and wondering at what point to take him out, a giggle? a cry? a laugh?

Honestly, she's given you a nice out that I'd definitely take!

I think

I totally get why you are hurt,if it was a friends wedding fair enough but because its your sister and then other children going as well.

Sorry, hit post too soon. I think hosts should make their guests welcome. It seems to me that weddings have become a kind of staged performance in which guests play bit parts. That’s all. I’m clearly in a minority.

OMG other posters - nothing ‘unreasonable’ here. Excluding children is ridiculous. I would say ‘old fashioned’ except for the fact that in times past kids were welcome.

I will add, my DS was twice a guest under 3 yrs of age. The first time he loved it, the second time he slept through it. Neither time was he unwelcome. The time he didn’t sleep through the danced at the after party and the time he didn’t he woke up for the speeches and was fine. Inclusivity is always the right decision

It shows how different people are asi didn’t twice about having babies/toddlers at my wedding. Surely that’s what weddings are sbou~ love & family

Are any of the other children as young as your son? I’d presume she doesn’t want to risk him making noise during the ceremony.

People are so desperate for the perfect day that they forget it’s a day to share with family and friends. My friends have all taken the view that all the things that happen during the day including kids being silly are what makes it more personal. I’d just leave her to it, but it sounds like there’s drama in the family anyway with mentions of favourite kids and grandchildren, not really wanting you as bridesmaid etc. I really don’t get involved in stuff like that, I’d just cool my relationship with all of them, but I don’t do drama. I’d probably just miss the ceremony altogether and go to the party with your partner and child, save yourself the cash on the hotel room too.

Really not understanding this. The registrar has said no children. You’ve not mentioned the ages of the other children who are apparently invited.

It’s just the ceremony, which your DS definitely won’t give a shit about missing. In fact, they’ll be bored senseless.

Having seen my DC2 at a similar age be a complete pain in the ass at a christening I don’t blame your sister at all.

You said yourself that your son just wants to play all the time. He’ll not enjoy the ceremony, will he? So why not let him be outside playing during the ceremony and have him around for the fun bits? I really don’t see the harm in what she’s asking. It’s not like he’s not allowed to be at the wedding.

Just do as she asks or stay at home. It's simple, it's her day and asking for a toddler to be kept away from the ceremony is absolutely understandable to me. I wouldn't want to getting married while worrying that a child will start playing and making noise. I had a child free wedding and loved it, would highly recommend it.