Are new mums given bad advice re: guests behaviour?

[Strawmite]

This is a reflection having recently visited a friend who’s just had her first baby. I went round when she was happy for me to and took a gift for baby, one for her and while there I asked if I could do anything for her- grab anything from the shops or take a bag of washing to drop back (I have 2 kids so know what that postnatal period is like!). My lovely friend burst into tears and said I was the only person who had offered and everyone else had only come round, given the baby a gift, had a cup of tea and then left. In her baby books and online it had said guests should/will help do some washing up, mind the baby while you sleep for an hour and bring meals which nobody did. Her mum came on day 2 and stayed for 3 nights and did do all those things- all the practical cleaning/cooking/washing etc (she’s v supportive). PIL have been 3 times in the 10 days but only for an hour or so a time as didn’t want to intrude.

Now what she’s experienced sounds quite reasonable to me and fairly similar to what I experienced. Friends and siblings would pop round for a cuddle with baby and perhaps drop a gift for an hour and DH would do tea coffee and biscuits. I wasn’t expected to host but also didn’t expect guests to do anything in the house- DH basically did everything the first 2 weeks.

I went away and reread some of my antenatal books and looked online and so many websites and books do say, along with making sure visits are on your terms which is fair enough, guests should offer to make tea, help out practically etc. did anyone else except guests to do that and feel upset when they didn’t? I gave my friend a big hug and offered to help however I can. She has a lovely DP who’s helping loads and her mum is close by. I didn’t in her postnatal haze want to say I think your expectations are a bit high/unreasonable but I think they’re a result of unreasonable advice.

What do you think?

I always offer from do you want a sleep to making tea and taking food. My friends are the same they ask if we need anything, come round with food, they put the kettle on if I'm feeding.

My MIL on the otherhand expects to be waited on hand and foot by mr, DH ended up telling her to stop being lazy as in a weeks visit she didn't make a single cup of tea.

I don't think it's wrong to expect people visiting to put the kettle on or bring food be it biscuits or lunch etc. Like others I wouldn't expect laundry or them to clean my house.

Good god no. If I visit friends with new kids then I bring wine and cheese and pass them to my friend, say the right things about the kid and leave before everyone gets fractious.
I might walk a dog but most of my friends would think I had lost my mind if I whipped out a duster or started cleaning the lav.
Most 'mums' have 'dads' around who can get off their arse and do that shit. If not... well who the hell cares, no one died from a dusty skirting board or living off ready meals for a few months.

I think it depends on the new mother and how she is feeling. Some visitors can expect to be straight round to see the baby when the mum needs more time to rest and recover. Some women bounce back and are excited to see everyone and others are exhausted, hormonal, teary, maybe in some pain and just not ready to be expected to be on display so quickly. In some cultures mum and baby don't leave the house for weeks if not up to 3 months and other women come in and look after her and the baby. So it depends on the woman, circumstances, culture etc.

I had a lot of stitches and could barely move for the first month so I would have welcomed any help 😅. But a few Friends had family came round and I had to host, make food and drinks etc. I was especially annoyed with a friend who turned up an hour late, at lunchtime when I'd settled little one and asked for some of the pizza I had in the oven, I was breastfeeding and starving and she could have brought food if she was expecting lunch! I gave her one slice....

Friends and family *

I've never had any practical support from anyone outside of my DH, we do everything on our own. We have 3 DC's and nobody helps ever and my eldest is 11, literally no one from either side has ever offered to bbsit. I would never expect anyone to clean my house or cook etc after I had my babies. I was lucky though and had easy births.
I really could have used help years down the line juggling small babies and older toddlers who didn't sleep but were hugely active during the day but nothing. My newborns were a breeze in comparison to toddlers .
Its made us independent and in fairness no one has to help and would never expect someone cleaning or cooking when my DH was there too. I find the example of the midwife telling the new mum her mil would do the cooking cringey and really inappropriate tbh. Also interesting that you mention your friend didn't offer help herself to you or other new mums but yet expects it!! ( and I don't buy that it's because she hadn't kids yet herself). Also her mum did help her which for someone like me is loads of extra support already...

My thoughtful other half invited the neighbours round for drinks and nibbles when baby was 3 days old.

We didn't really know them, we had lived in our house less than a year

I was furious. I didn't feel up to entertaining aside from our parents