Are new mums given bad advice re: guests behaviour?

[Strawmite]

This is a reflection having recently visited a friend who’s just had her first baby. I went round when she was happy for me to and took a gift for baby, one for her and while there I asked if I could do anything for her- grab anything from the shops or take a bag of washing to drop back (I have 2 kids so know what that postnatal period is like!). My lovely friend burst into tears and said I was the only person who had offered and everyone else had only come round, given the baby a gift, had a cup of tea and then left. In her baby books and online it had said guests should/will help do some washing up, mind the baby while you sleep for an hour and bring meals which nobody did. Her mum came on day 2 and stayed for 3 nights and did do all those things- all the practical cleaning/cooking/washing etc (she’s v supportive). PIL have been 3 times in the 10 days but only for an hour or so a time as didn’t want to intrude.

Now what she’s experienced sounds quite reasonable to me and fairly similar to what I experienced. Friends and siblings would pop round for a cuddle with baby and perhaps drop a gift for an hour and DH would do tea coffee and biscuits. I wasn’t expected to host but also didn’t expect guests to do anything in the house- DH basically did everything the first 2 weeks.

I went away and reread some of my antenatal books and looked online and so many websites and books do say, along with making sure visits are on your terms which is fair enough, guests should offer to make tea, help out practically etc. did anyone else except guests to do that and feel upset when they didn’t? I gave my friend a big hug and offered to help however I can. She has a lovely DP who’s helping loads and her mum is close by. I didn’t in her postnatal haze want to say I think your expectations are a bit high/unreasonable but I think they’re a result of unreasonable advice.

What do you think?

@Chely

I've had 6 babies via 5 pregnancies, 2 c-sections. I have never been offered help by a visitor after any, I have OCD and am not tolerant of things not being done the way I like it doing so wouldn't expect any offers. My mum tried to be helpful and once used the baby bottle brush to wash the dogs food and water bowls, I was livid!!!

I would have found it exhausting to have someone buggering about with the hoover, or wanting to wash the floor. I had a cesarean with number 1. My husband was around for a few days leave so he made cups of tea and put stuff in the oven as he always had before the baby arrived. I had been able to keep up with other stuff before the baby arrived and I had bought ready meals and made soup and stuff to go in the freezer, especially so that ,when people came, they could sit and admire my baby.

@peachy3

I’m due my first next week and although I have read the same things as your friend I personally wouldn’t be expecting anything to be done around my house by visitors. All I really expect of them is to not come over unwell and to hand my baby back when I ask. I can see why your friend is upset though if she’s really read into it, antenatal books and leaflets really make out that you’ll be waited on hand and foot once baby arrives which I don’t think is right, they shouldn’t put information like this on pregnant women who don’t know what to expect.

The thing is that friends etc will not have been to your ante natal classes or read the latest baby leaflets and books. This doing jobs thing was certainly not a thing when my children were born in the 90s or even a few years ago when friends had babies. They may have absolutely no idea. They have come to see the baby. I don't want somebody offering to clean my toilet. Utterly weird.

Because I’ve had a baby I would know to make my own cup of tea and tell the mum to stay sat down while I do the washing up or something - pre baby I wouldn’t have understood how tired a new mum would be and not really thought of taking charge like that in someone else’s house, I would have felt rude. I would have also been a bit oblivious and not really have thought to ask if I can do anything around the house to help. Maybe guests should read the baby books that day this - because as a new mum I wouldn’t have felt comfortable asking a guest to make me a cup of tea never mind a house chore. If someone can help it’s nice but to be honest as long as you’ve got someone your DH or DP to support and some family member like your mum or dad to help regularly in the first week or two it’s really not essential for guests to make themselves useful, I don’t think it should be this unspoken requisite of visiting, especially since not many people realise it’s a thing. Only parents to be read these new baby books.

It depends on your relationship with each guest I think?

My mum, sister, auntie, and cousins were very helpful and brought meals, did laundry etc. And very close friends offered to pick up shopping if needed.

But on the other hand, my in-laws came and had hugs (and tried to send me to bed so they could have uninterrupted time with DH and LO but didn’t offer to help with anything useful!). And less close friends just came with a gift for the baby.

So what do you do in situations where you want to be kind/polite, but really don't want what is being offered?

Take a hypothetical () MIL that is very kind and wants to do your washing/hoovering/bring magazines etc (that you don't like or want) round, but you just desperately want to be alone for a few days of quiet, and the help offered actually makes you feel more stressed?

She's in for a ride awakening if she has another newborn and also one or two toddlers running about!
Seriously, did she really expect people running about after her???

*rude awakening

I think there's a middle ground. I wouldn't want anyone to do my housework or cook my meals. However, I would have expected my in-laws to not sit and stare awkwardly at us while we were trying to calm our screaming newborn and mention how they'd really like a cup of tea. 🙄 And no, they never got that tea in the end because they couldn't persuade anyone to do it for them (although they are very self-serving in all aspects of life!).

When my friends had babies, I generally picked up some food on the way, asked if they needed anything and offered to help or make tea etc.

Even if they say no thanks, at least you’ve asked!

In her baby books and online it had said guests should/will help do some washing up, mind the baby while you sleep for an hour and bring meals which nobody did.

Demonstrates yet another reason not to worship 'baby books', real life is often quite different! Why on earth would the mother expect others to bring meals???

I think watching the baby while you sleep is weirder. I mean fair enough if it’s very close family or a friend - but if they’re helping out in that way they’re not really a ‘guest’ are they? Imagine you come and visit someone to quickly say hello and bring a baby gift and they go off to bed for an hour while you just sit there and keep and eye on the newborn - like an unpaid hour as a babysitter.
My DS is already 4 but I could do with a nap from time to time. Maybe I’ll invite a friend round for a cuppa and just nip upstairs and leave her to watch him…

@Marvellousmadness

People come to see the baby. Not to do laundry. Lets be honest here. That book should be burned

I would be mortified if someone, even my mother, started organising my laundry. Particularly post birth pants . I like things separated into different categories and washed separately. I would be stressed beyond belief if my SIL said " nooo you sit there I'll sort the washing"

I completely agree. It’s way more helpful to have realistic and reasonable expectations so you’re less likely to be disappointed. People often think big events in their eyes, are big events in other people’s e.g. weddings, having a baby etc. Often they’re not and people have their own stuff going on. They’re pleased and happy for you but aren’t going to arrange everything around you.

Like when my friend had a baby she wanted all kinds of crazy e.g. could l get up at 5am to travel to see her as it fitted in with the nap time, could l not have food before l got to her house (it was a 5-6 hour drive away). At the end of the day then l still have a 40+ hour week, study deadlines and my own stuff. It’s nothing personal but life goes on 🤷‍♀️. She thought l was selfish and lazy, l thought she was demanding, controlling and too caught up with PFB thoughts

@AngelinaFibres I don’t think you read my post properly

I always bring the biscuits and ask if there's anything I can bring (if I can pop to the shops for new mum instead of her trying to get there!). I always offer to wash up if we've used cups, plates etc and if there is something in particular that new mum is struggling with I will offer help.
A couple of friends have had very little support or a lot going on (just moved house etc) when baby arrived, and on those occasions I have taken meals and offered a lot more help. Likewise, I have friends who were overwhelmed by helpful family members and on those occasions I kept my visits very brief and didn't interfere by offering my help/advice!
When I had DS PIL were very present and offered to help - I asked for trips to the supermarket as I wasn't able to drive (c section) and on one occasion they asked to visit and I basically demanded they bring a take away for dinner as I hadn't managed anything that day 😂 I felt like a total princess for doing that and didn't ask anything of anyone else!

I just had my first and what I'd read didn't make me expect guests to do my laundry, but it did make me comfortable asking for things - eg picking up some bits on their way, clearing the table after dinner, making their own tea. I never had the impression that guests would do things without being asked. I think it is valuable to tell new mums that it's okay to not wait on guests like you did pre-baby and to ask for help instead.

I'm also surprised that it would be read as assuming housework is woman's work - my DH and I found looking after our newborn was a 24/7 job for two people! I guess it depends on what kind of baby you have. It's easier now but at the start, neither of us had time for much else!

I'd offer to bring food or anything else they needed, but would only offer to help with domestic stuff for a family member or very close friend.

I think some of these books are based on US suburban culture where that sort of thing happens more. Not stuck up British people!

If anyone other than close family stayed more than about two hours visiting my newborns, I got twitchy.

I'm also surprised that it would be read as assuming housework is woman's work - my DH and I found looking after our newborn was a 24/7 job for two people! I guess it depends on what kind of baby you have. It's easier now but at the start, neither of us had time for much else!

I'm not disputing that some people find newborns tricky, but people manage to have more than one child, twins, manage as single parents, and manage when their child becomes mobile/toddler (less napping, more demanding, follows you, tries to kill themselves repeatedly). Sometimes all of these together (poor woman!)

In comparison, the 2 to 1 adult ratio most people get initially with a first born is pretty good considering only one of you can physical hold or feed the baby at a time - there's a surplus adult to cook, and to take shifts at napping!

My second one was a clingy, colicky, ebf baby, and we had a under 2yo. My husband could still cook for us, and bring me my food with a scissors and a fork so i could eat one handed.

I recall breast feeding my brand new baby and my mother & sister coming round. It was 3 days post c section. Dh had taken older child to school and then gone food shopping.
They sat with their coats on waiting for me to finish so I could make them a cup of tea and lunch .

Just sat there in silence waiting.

In comparison, the 2 to 1 adult ratio most people get initially with a first born is pretty good considering only one of you can physical hold or feed the baby at a time - there's a surplus adult to cook, and to take shifts at napping!

I think practically yes, but emotionally and mentally it’s very different and in some ways more exhausting - 1st borns are a big shock to system! With subsequent children you kind of are able to get on better because you know what to expect and don’t sweat the small stuff as much.

I'll get flamed for this but I think entitlement is rife in our culture now: foreign hen weekends, destination weddings that everyone is expected to attend, baby showers, gender reveals and so on and so forth. We all have our own lives to get on with, if you choose to have a baby then brace yourself, nobody else is likely to put you in front their own concerns - at least don't expect them to.

I'm surprised at people who think this is a sign of modern entitlement. To me, friends stepping in to cook and clean seems like something from the past (pre-paternity leave, certainly). See also the fact that women used to spend a week in hospital with midwives who helped care for the baby!

@JustPlainKnackered I do find that to be true in a way- I don’t think people mean to be entitled or selfish but they often think their personal milestones should be celebrated in full force by every friend and family member (often traditional ones of marriage and kids more than personal ones like setting up a business which I find so impressive). I would never say this to my friend especially now as it’s not the time but having those huge expectations obviously leads to disappointment and feeling let down by people. But then it’s a sad thought to go through life thinking no one will be bothered about this key life events for you as I am certainly thrilled for friends at their weddings/when they have babies/when they get a promotion. I just can’t devote huge amounts of time and money to celebrating I suppose.

I don’t know. I was talking to one of my oldest friends a few weeks ago and she reminded me - I’d totally forgotten - that 40 odd years ago I visited her and her new baby and got stuck into her ironing pile. It must have made a huge impression!

I also remember the midwife visiting when my baby was ten days old and discovering me weeping while I cooked Sunday lunch for my pils. She sent me to bed and told mil in no uncertain terms that she was cooking lunch now. I thought she was an angel!

She sent me to bed and told mil in no uncertain terms that she was cooking lunch now. I thought she was an angel!

I hope that a midwife working now would tell your DH to get on with lunch, not a female guest!