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Original poster

Are new mums given bad advice re: guests behaviour?

132 replies

Strawmite · 18/03/2022 13:43

This is a reflection having recently visited a friend who’s just had her first baby. I went round when she was happy for me to and took a gift for baby, one for her and while there I asked if I could do anything for her- grab anything from the shops or take a bag of washing to drop back (I have 2 kids so know what that postnatal period is like!). My lovely friend burst into tears and said I was the only person who had offered and everyone else had only come round, given the baby a gift, had a cup of tea and then left. In her baby books and online it had said guests should/will help do some washing up, mind the baby while you sleep for an hour and bring meals which nobody did. Her mum came on day 2 and stayed for 3 nights and did do all those things- all the practical cleaning/cooking/washing etc (she’s v supportive). PIL have been 3 times in the 10 days but only for an hour or so a time as didn’t want to intrude.

Now what she’s experienced sounds quite reasonable to me and fairly similar to what I experienced. Friends and siblings would pop round for a cuddle with baby and perhaps drop a gift for an hour and DH would do tea coffee and biscuits. I wasn’t expected to host but also didn’t expect guests to do anything in the house- DH basically did everything the first 2 weeks.

I went away and reread some of my antenatal books and looked online and so many websites and books do say, along with making sure visits are on your terms which is fair enough, guests should offer to make tea, help out practically etc. did anyone else except guests to do that and feel upset when they didn’t? I gave my friend a big hug and offered to help however I can. She has a lovely DP who’s helping loads and her mum is close by. I didn’t in her postnatal haze want to say I think your expectations are a bit high/unreasonable but I think they’re a result of unreasonable advice.

What do you think?

OP posts:
BillyBarryBoo · 18/03/2022 15:03

A friend of mine said she would come and tidy my house when baby arrived. I was actually quite offended that she would presume that my house would be messy and that I/DH wouldn't be able to manage

Goldbar · 18/03/2022 15:03

I wonder if some of this is cultural (also between different regions of the UK)? I had no expectations of anyone offering to help me when I had my baby (except occasional help from my parents) and neither did anyone I know (based in London). If people popped in, they had a cup of tea and left. Neither do many parents I know have an expectation that grandparents/family will provide free childcare - we all expect to pay for nurseries/nanny/babysitter. But I have cousins living in other parts of the country where there does seem to be more of an expectation that family at least will help.

StrawberrySanta · 18/03/2022 15:07

Don't bring this up with her, now or ever it will only go bad. I'm sure when baby is older it will be one of this things she'll look back and feel embarrassed she ever thought it. Next time someone she knows has a baby will be interesting to see if she offers all those things but I think more than likely she'll realise it doesn't really happen in real life. Not a big deal, she's just given birth for the first time, shes probably feeling delicate and sensitive.

rattlehum · 18/03/2022 15:13

@HardbackWriter
I get what you're saying about your friend but to be fair, I had my first baby in lockdown and I sadly wasn't able to breastfeed and I 100% think lockdown contributed to this. Because it's not just about the HV / MW visits, but that eg DH was sent home shortly after birth so no help on ward and no chance of rest, short-staffed MWs (even more than normal!) because of self isolation rules, no lactation consults working, no BF'ing workshops being run... Not saying that amazing support was available pre-covid, but definitely more support was available. Your friends feelings are valid

JudgeJ · 18/03/2022 15:16

In her baby books and online it had said guests should/will help do some washing up, mind the baby while you sleep for an hour and bring meals which nobody did.
Demonstrates yet another reason not to worship 'baby books', real life is often quite different! Why on earth would the mother expect others to bring meals???

Gizacluethen · 18/03/2022 15:18

YANBU I read all the same stuff. It sets you up for failure. You're expecting help, because you've been told you'll get it. No. My mum was the only person that helped at all. Guests were more than happy to watch me in pain.

lunar1 · 18/03/2022 15:20

You see thread like that on Mumsnet on a regular basis, especially if the MIL is wanting to see their grandchild. 'Put them to work, get them doing washing, cooking, cleaning the grout with a toothbrush'

TrippinEdBalls · 18/03/2022 15:22

Yes, there's always lots of suggestions that rather than them hold the baby, guests should be cleaning while the mother sits and holds her baby, which naturally she will be unable to part from even by a metre. Which might sound lovely to some people (I personally was happy to pass the baby over!) but there just aren't realistically going to be many volunteers for that!

GretaGip · 18/03/2022 15:27

Tom is being quite impressive

GretaGip · 18/03/2022 15:29

So standard of the caller Rachel.

Definition of woman is whoever identifies as a woman.

Le sigh

Sleepingonmyfeet · 18/03/2022 15:31

I think it’s a bit dismissive to claim that those of us who believe lockdown exacerbated breastfeeding problems are somehow inventing it.

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 18/03/2022 15:32

I agree with you OP. All a guest needs to be is easy - i.e. they shouldn't create more work for the new parents (by expecting a meal, expecting to be waited on, sneering at the uncleanliness of the house, overstimulating the baby or refusing to let the baby sleep/feed etc).

One guest I had came over in the evening after work when my firstborn was 3 weeks old (which was late for me and coincided with when baby was really fussy but I really wanted to see her). She didn't bring a gift but I didn't expect anything, and I offered her a tea and biscuits, we caught up and she had cuddles with the baby. I thought it was really nice and lowkey. The next day she messaged to say that I've really changed, and that I'm normally such a good host but I didn't even offer her dinner despite knowing that she hadn't had a chance to eat after work. That annoyed me since with a colicy baby, I hadn't even managed lunch that day for myself let alone dinner!! Really spoilt the visit and how I viewed her.

luxxlisbon · 18/03/2022 15:34

I think part of it is confirmation bias too, I have never noticed baby books or articles saying people would clean your house for you after a baby!
I think her mum coming to help for a few days and friends bringing gifts and maybe a box of biscuits is totally normal.
The main thing to me is that she didn’t do any of these things for friends so it’s weird that she expected people to do it for her!

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 18/03/2022 15:36

@BillyBarryBoo

A friend of mine said she would come and tidy my house when baby arrived. I was actually quite offended that she would presume that my house would be messy and that I/DH wouldn't be able to manage
It's a lovely gesture that you can refuse. Even though you may not have struggled with household upkeep with a newborn, lots of new parents do. I'm not sure what there is to be offended by.
Nat6999 · 18/03/2022 15:40

My in laws were awful when I came out of hospital after having ds by emcs & spending nearly 3 days in HDU, fil first words to me were get the kettle on, the whole family proceeded to sit down & expect to be waited on, I had the midwife arrive while they were there & they all moaned when I took ds upstairs to speak to the midwife & to have my wound checked. By the time they left I was flooding from being on my feet too long & it was no surprise that my BP had shot back up to dangerous levels two days later & I was ordered to bed to rest but even that didn't stop them from turning up, thankfully my mum answered the door & refused to let them in despite them wailing that they had come to see ds.

luxxlisbon · 18/03/2022 15:41

Plus it feeds into the idea that all the house stuff is woman’s work. Usually in this peak visit postpartum period it is when the father is off on paternity leave. Is he not able to clean the dishes himself? Does the entire house fall about when the wife isn’t able to do it? Therefore the next closest thing is to have the work done by her female friends and family?

catscatscatseverywhere · 18/03/2022 15:43

I think all is becoming bit extreme nowadays. Maybe I wouldn't mind my mum cooking or doing a little bit of cleaning if she wanted to, but dear God, I had no idea people actually expect it from their guests. World is going maAaAad.

switswoo81 · 18/03/2022 15:46

Yanbu. I barely have time to cook my own meals with a work and two young children never mind cooking one for someone else.

Mariposista · 18/03/2022 15:53

I'd feel uncomfortable with anyone other than my close family going through my kitchen. And I'd just avoid the problem by meeting friends in the cafe on my street rather than in my house.

SnotMikeUpPuffedHe · 18/03/2022 15:59

Every church community I've been part of has routinely arranged to provide meals for a family for a week or so after a new baby arrives.

Often it's not immediately after they get home, but when the other parent has gone back to work.

Not sure about help in terms of housework etc but if people asked it would be done, no problem.

Fernandina · 18/03/2022 16:07

The trouble is that the guests haven't read the book. I was lucky in that DH was marvellous and my SIL (a mum of three) just turned up and mucked in, and other family were good too.

You get the same sort of expectations with wedding planning etc, the bride reads something that says MOB should be doing this and that, and the MoH will be responsible for whatever. It never ends well.

AngelinaFibres · 18/03/2022 16:12

@Strawmite

This is a reflection having recently visited a friend who’s just had her first baby. I went round when she was happy for me to and took a gift for baby, one for her and while there I asked if I could do anything for her- grab anything from the shops or take a bag of washing to drop back (I have 2 kids so know what that postnatal period is like!). My lovely friend burst into tears and said I was the only person who had offered and everyone else had only come round, given the baby a gift, had a cup of tea and then left. In her baby books and online it had said guests should/will help do some washing up, mind the baby while you sleep for an hour and bring meals which nobody did. Her mum came on day 2 and stayed for 3 nights and did do all those things- all the practical cleaning/cooking/washing etc (she’s v supportive). PIL have been 3 times in the 10 days but only for an hour or so a time as didn’t want to intrude.

Now what she’s experienced sounds quite reasonable to me and fairly similar to what I experienced. Friends and siblings would pop round for a cuddle with baby and perhaps drop a gift for an hour and DH would do tea coffee and biscuits. I wasn’t expected to host but also didn’t expect guests to do anything in the house- DH basically did everything the first 2 weeks.

I went away and reread some of my antenatal books and looked online and so many websites and books do say, along with making sure visits are on your terms which is fair enough, guests should offer to make tea, help out practically etc. did anyone else except guests to do that and feel upset when they didn’t? I gave my friend a big hug and offered to help however I can. She has a lovely DP who’s helping loads and her mum is close by. I didn’t in her postnatal haze want to say I think your expectations are a bit high/unreasonable but I think they’re a result of unreasonable advice.

What do you think?

Big theme on tik tok videos. Angry midwife opens the door and goes through what people have brought. Flowers...nope pointless Chocolates...nope pointless Are you intending to hoover ???, Cue shocked look on face of visitor I loved having visitors and presents and flowers were lovely. I wanted them to admire my beautiful baby. I didn't want them to clean out my fridge.
Chely · 18/03/2022 16:20

I've had 6 babies via 5 pregnancies, 2 c-sections. I have never been offered help by a visitor after any, I have OCD and am not tolerant of things not being done the way I like it doing so wouldn't expect any offers. My mum tried to be helpful and once used the baby bottle brush to wash the dogs food and water bowls, I was livid!!!

peachy3 · 18/03/2022 16:22

I’m due my first next week and although I have read the same things as your friend I personally wouldn’t be expecting anything to be done around my house by visitors. All I really expect of them is to not come over unwell and to hand my baby back when I ask. I can see why your friend is upset though if she’s really read into it, antenatal books and leaflets really make out that you’ll be waited on hand and foot once baby arrives which I don’t think is right, they shouldn’t put information like this on pregnant women who don’t know what to expect.

Staryflight445 · 18/03/2022 16:26

Yeah, it’s why I’m not having visitors this time round.
If they’re actively involved with our life they’ll meet the baby in time anyway.
Otherwise, they can piss off.