Are new mums given bad advice re: guests behaviour?

[Strawmite]

This is a reflection having recently visited a friend who’s just had her first baby. I went round when she was happy for me to and took a gift for baby, one for her and while there I asked if I could do anything for her- grab anything from the shops or take a bag of washing to drop back (I have 2 kids so know what that postnatal period is like!). My lovely friend burst into tears and said I was the only person who had offered and everyone else had only come round, given the baby a gift, had a cup of tea and then left. In her baby books and online it had said guests should/will help do some washing up, mind the baby while you sleep for an hour and bring meals which nobody did. Her mum came on day 2 and stayed for 3 nights and did do all those things- all the practical cleaning/cooking/washing etc (she’s v supportive). PIL have been 3 times in the 10 days but only for an hour or so a time as didn’t want to intrude.

Now what she’s experienced sounds quite reasonable to me and fairly similar to what I experienced. Friends and siblings would pop round for a cuddle with baby and perhaps drop a gift for an hour and DH would do tea coffee and biscuits. I wasn’t expected to host but also didn’t expect guests to do anything in the house- DH basically did everything the first 2 weeks.

I went away and reread some of my antenatal books and looked online and so many websites and books do say, along with making sure visits are on your terms which is fair enough, guests should offer to make tea, help out practically etc. did anyone else except guests to do that and feel upset when they didn’t? I gave my friend a big hug and offered to help however I can. She has a lovely DP who’s helping loads and her mum is close by. I didn’t in her postnatal haze want to say I think your expectations are a bit high/unreasonable but I think they’re a result of unreasonable advice.

What do you think?

@HardbackWriter

She sent me to bed and told mil in no uncertain terms that she was cooking lunch now. I thought she was an angel!

I hope that a midwife working now would tell your DH to get on with lunch, not a female guest!

I’m sure you’re right. But, as Mil was an entitled bitch who insisted on coming for the day when I’d asked them to wait a week, I think she told exactly the right person!

Oh dear. I’ve only cleaned for one friend when she had a baby. She went to work one morning and by the afternoon the baby was born. We lived on the same street and knew she was no where near ready for the baby being born; so we went into her house (had keys) and gave the downstairs a bit of a clean (just a quick Hoover / Polish and washing up of the dishes lying around). But normally I wouldn’t do that. Can’t remember my friends doing it either.. my mum stayed a few weeks with us when baby was born. In laws (who I love) were out of the country but when they came by to see their grandson, they would only pop round for short periods of time. They did give us a huge goody box for the baby being born. Chocolate, wine, creams, fancy shower gel, and dry shampoo

@Blossomtoes I still don't understand why you were cooking them Sunday lunch lol.

I liked having visitors when mine were babies, I didn't really expect any help, I have a husband for that. I moved when I was pregnant with my 2nd and he was premature and no one even offered to babysit so that we could go and visit him in hospital, except PIL's once who kept ringing to see when we would be home as they were waiting outside the house with our other son (he was asleep in the car) I'd waited 5 days to hold my son and they ruined it

I recall my two best friends (no kids but had nieces and nephews) turning up the first time and promising me Tupperware's full of freezer meals next time they came. Having no alive parents , or in laws I was quite chuffed with this. And grateful so they knew the kind of thing I'd need!

So after a few days not heard from them I asked when they'd like to come round and they said 'oh we are off to New York on holiday' I didn't like to be grabby and ask where my freezer meals were.
😆

The next time they came round DD was one and it was for her birthday party.

My sister (also child free but we had nephews who she visited regularly) turned up and asked what cleaning I needed doing. Well I had just had a 9lb baby, blood transfusion, trussed up like a turkey and sat on a blow up cushion with a baby permanently attached to my nipple, or so it seemed. I answered truthfully - I'd no idea.

She made me scrambled eggs then said she had to get off to a lunch thing. After she had gone I saw she'd left all the washing up in the sink. I remember looking at the burned on eggs in the saucepan wondering why she hadn't made it in a non stick pan.

She never came round again, until, yep, DD was one and it was her birthday party. 😆

@Strawmite
I absolutely agree. I love to make a fuss for people and I will always roll my sleeves up and get stuck in if someone needs help but I would never expect it of others. And if on occasion I am too busy I don't expect to be judged for it.
I am of tough stock though, it's easy to forget that we are all different and needing help is nothing to be ashamed of. Perhaps if your friend asked for some help those around her might gladly give it.

I'd hate to have had guests coming around and trying to clean when I had a newborn. There were more than enough hours in the day to do those things with two people at home and a baby who slept alot. It's annoying enough when my Mil insists on hand washing mugs after she's been, she gives then a quick run under the tap and calls that washing them!

I still don't understand why you were cooking them Sunday lunch

Because it was 1975 and when you had guests you were expected to cook for them. It was a different world!

My DC were born just over 10 years ago and I don't remember reading this at all. I certainly didn't expect anything from the visitors apart from cooing and maybe holding the baby so I could drink my coffee in peace. No way I would have let anyone to do hoovering or dishes as I had one of them things called Competent Husband.

I loved receiving flowers and gifts as those were things that I wouldn't have bought for myself. I didn't want mundane things like casseroles (as they would most likely contained big sloppy pieces of onions or/and mushrooms which is both that I can't stand)

True, other people's casseroles are not likely to be that nice ime.

Well, there’s not much point in baby books saying what guests should do, is there? The only one reading baby books are the new parents. The guests aren’t going to know what the baby books are saying they should do.

When I’ve been to see someone’s new baby, I’ve always taken something for the parents as well as for the baby, and I’ve always asked if there’s anything I can do or anything I can bring. But I wouldn’t specifically say ‘Shall I do some cleaning?’ because I think people could easily take offence and think they were being judged. And I wouldn’t offer to look after the baby because I’ve never looked after a baby in my life and wouldn’t have clue. “Take me out for a coffee and a massive slice of cake while DH stays home with the baby” was the most eager request I ever got from a friend when I asked if there was anything I could do.

YANBU
However I’d do all that for a friend but I wouldn’t actually want it myself. My DH has legs!

I think it's a fairly recent development and while the intention is good, I would hate to think that my friends were obliged to come and clean my house in order to see me.

Plus, if I felt that the only way to visit a friend with a baby was to turn up with a lasagne and do a load of her laundry, I'd be rather less likely to go, because it turns it into a major commitment. It seems odd to me that we know how isolating early motherhood can be, and yet we want to discourage social contact from anyone who can't give up huge swathes of time and energy to visit.

I didn’t expect people to do it but I equally didn’t offer. My mum was always out in those first few weeks when partner went back to work so I could sleep. Anyone who came brought food, they all made their own drinks.

Yes I do and the entitlement is wild!!
And it is rife on here that the advice is to put the eager friend MIL to work scrubbing .

I also hate this new notion that you shouldn’t bring a new mum flowers , I love flowers. It’s conditioning now on what you can and can’t bring as a gift, what happened to the thought?

I do bring friends and family food, not because the partner can’t cook but because when we cook from out batch cook stock it’s a treat and a relief not to think about dinner.

I didn't expect it, but it was nice when people did things just to help a little. My DM brought all the ingredients for a Sunday dinner when DD was 1 week old, made us a full dinner, cleaned up after and it was just what I needed because we'd not been eating properly and living off takeaways. My best friend travelled 1.5 hours to come and meet DD when she had a 3 month old herself, she settled DD, made her a bottle, changed her bum and got her back to sleep. She then washed up the rest of the bottles for me. I'm forever grateful for the little things. My cousin recently had her baby, i took everyones cups back in to the kitchen and washed everything up that was on the side for them. It's not much but it's one less thing to think about.

I never ever expected guests to come round and clean/cook for me, I had an easy baby, easy delivery and spent more time out having lunch/coffee in the first few days than I did at home!

DH was a perfectly functioning adult who could cook/order in for us etc. Friends came by with more food than we could shake a stick at, it was fantastic! Our freezer was stocked for weeks, I loved it! The least I could do was make tea, and share my cake stock whilst they held the baby.

It is very different if you have guests staying with you - thankfully all our guests were our parents who got straight to work walking the dogs, tidying up, getting the fridge stocked and cooking dinner and minding the baby whilst I showered or went to get my nails done, but that's because they wanted to, not because it was expected of them!!

My parents got straight off the plane, had a cuddle of the baby and then tried to cook us dinner in their desperately jet lagged state bless them - took DH 10 minutes to throw a bolognese together and they almost fell asleep in their food.

The only person who wasn't more hands on was my FIL and I could never blame him given he'd never changed a nappy in his life - but he was perfectly wonderful when it came to cooing at the baby, walking the dogs, making sure we had plenty of booze in, getting groceries in and paying for us when we went out for dinner.

The difference is if you're expecting your guests (short or long term!) to come in and wait on you hand and foot which is taking the piss somewhat, unless the mother had a warm time of it during labor and delivery and/or is recovering from a c-section.

I'd have loved people to bring me food round when I had dd. People used to come in all the time, hold the baby, expect teas, never ask how I was. It made me feel like I was just the person producing the child, nobody gave a shit about me anymore. My mum helped but that was it, she could see I was on my knees.

Yes would be lovely if we had that kind of culture here but really isn’t usual, better that parents be educated to prepare as much as possible, batch cooking etc, fathers given clearer guidance as to the purpose of paternity leave and we get away from the notion that mum wants someone to sit there for ages cuddling her baby and that I’d help??

This one did the rounds a lot with my friends: wisdomforworkingmums.co.uk/10-top-tips-for-visiting-a-new-baby/

It has such gems as: “remember you’re a helper, not a visitor.”

Aw bless that new mum friend and you are a great friend.

I remember reading all that too.

I had a c section on the Wednesday and on the friday evening just after being discharged I was making tea and hosting in-laws and on the Saturday was cooking dinner for my mum, dad, godmother, sister and her kids in the Saturday. Reader: I did not want to do either of these things but felt I had to.

I always vowed that if I had a second child I would have a two week settling in period!
Lazy unhelpful visitors!

One lovely friend did make me a veggie casserole which was very sweet :)

I was happy to have my mum help out. But I think I would have found it a bit weird if a friend had done my washing or ironed my clothes or mopped the floor while visiting.

I think there's a weird disconncet here though.

On the one hand new mums are advised to turn away visitors, take a few weeks of it just being them, their dh and children. Which is definitely not the 'it takes a village thinking'.

On the other hand the whole expecting visitors to do jobs round your house, cook for you, ensure you are showering and getting enough sleep, which is very much the 'it takes a village' thinking.

Coming from a culture where people do help out, the whole 'I don't want visitors for 1/2 weeks' and 'you can come round for 35 mins a week on wednesday' type boundaries just don't happen.

You are generally left with the baby while lots of people fuss about, but it's certainly not the cocoon of just mum, dad and baby bonding in blissful peace over dirty nappies blocking the whole outside world. It can be overwhelming but it's extremely helpful.

And yes these people do expect to have at least some interaction with the new baby. They are there because they are close family or close friends. They include the baby in that as well and interact with all household members.

I think there's so much advice out there for new mums and much of it unrealistic and quite confusing and contradictory.

Some friends of mine used to send food for us in the first few weeks it was so lovely to sit down to a fresh, homemade nutritious meal.

Otherwise we were on our own (family in a different country). But it is unfair for books to give these expectations. Having said that I would probably use common sense on that one. I remember thinking “I’ve never been that helpful to anyone except family” and that was limited to doing the washing up and some folding.

Im totally going to skip all comments for the sake of recording my own experiences as a first time mom.

Our baby had a huge amount of trouble sleeping, I was filled with lots of stitches internal and external, I was still trying breast feeding etc and I just couldn't get it right.

Self employed family business, as soon as I rocked up home, I was expected to answer phones and type up quotes etc.

I could cope with that bit, but what got to me was my parents visiting and sitting on their arse doing nothing except letting me make them cups of tea when they visited, and then my DH's work mate and former business partner's wife, turn up every afternoon and continually bang on the door (seeing curtains were closed) with her young daughter to see the ''new baby'.

Never at all bringing meals or help.

It's any wonder both of us, DD and I, are still alive many years later.