Elderly parents on a sofa bed, is it ok?

[Letsgobacktothenineties]

Stressing out a bit as to where to put my parents.
We live abroad and they visit us two-three times per year. They were always in the spare room with a nice, double bed. That’s now going to be our toddler DD’s room. We sold the bed and are currently painting it to get ready.
We only gave her bedroom and ours.
I thought of getting a small sofa bed to put in our bedroom as a sofa and into DD’s room as a sofa bed for them when they come to stay (Dd would sleep with us in our room)
Does this sound ok? They’re late 60’s/early 70’s. Can’t think of any other option.
Have offered them our bedroom before, large room with en-suite and terrace, but mum doesn’t want to because our dog sleeps on our bed 🤷🏻‍♀️She obviously wouldn’t whilst they were here and obviously sheets washed etc
She was disappointed when I said we were selling the large double bed as I have a small child’s single for our Dd and said can she not sleep in the double bed, it was huge and wanted her to have her own bed!
Where would you comfortably put them?

@Candleabra

Difficult. I wouldn’t put elderly guests on a sofa bed. I think they have to have your room. Two weeks is a long time though. Would a hotel room for your parents not be more comfortable for everyone?

Late 60s early 70s isn't elderly !!!😩😩😩

@Musicaltheatremum

The World Health Organisation believes that most developed world countries characterise old age starting at 60 years and above. However, this definition isn't adaptable to a place like Africa, where the more traditional definition of an elder, or elderly person, starts between 50 to 65 years of age

Don't care what they say. I'm 60 next year. Partner 65 next year and we are still very agile. Age is just a number!

@Musicaltheatremum

Don't care what they say. I'm 60 next year. Partner 65 next year and we are still very agile. Age is just a number!

I thought that when I was 60. Almost a decade later my body has forced me to confront reality.

Beware of making them too comfortable.

I made this mistake with my in-laws and now they feel they can come and go as they please- as though it is no inconvenience for my DC to have to vacate their own rooms & beds. When your children are little it doesn’t seem so bad but as they get older, they resent being dispatched from their own safe space and home comforts.

Draw your line in the sand now. Give them an air bed or they have the choice to book in a hotel. Your daughter should not have to put up with living in a “guest room” for 52 weeks of the year to accommodate parents that want to visit for 6 weeks.

Reading this since the start.
I cannot get over your parents sense of entitlement that they can stay with you 3 times a year for 2 weeks at a time, this to me is outrageous.
And then to complain about accomodation, as a childs need take precedence? You don't have a bed issue, you have a parents issue. No way would this happen in my house. Of course I would host, but not this often. Hotel or Air B n B for them.

If your mum is refusing your bed because the dog has slept on it then they will just have to make do with a sofa bed or stay in a B and B won’t they?

With kindness OP, you're asking a bunch of internet strangers whether your parents might or might not be comfortable on this bed or that bed, asking whether they will want to use your DD's room the entire time they're with you or whether she can play in it.

As adults, we all know that things change with kids. They must know this too. They can't have everything stay the same when little ones grow and change so quickly. Just tell your parents that DD need her own bedroom now and that things will change re their visits. Do they want to sleep in your bedroom (which you'll have to share during the day as you'll need access for clothes etc) or do they want to sleep on a sofabed in the living room (or wherever)?
OR, and here's where you lead them: would it be better for them to start thinking about Airbnb going forward?

They are guests. This is not their room, it's DD's. Your dad takes his clothes home with him on this visit. If this is not ok, they make alternative arrangements.

I have this situation, although not as pronounced as my parents are in the U.K., albeit at a distance.

If you are offering your own room to them - you are doing more than enough. If they don’t like change - well, that’s a shame.

Don’t spend hours consulting them or negotiating with them. It gives them the impression it’s up to them. This is your home. You are entitled to live in it as you please, you live there 52 weeks of the year, you need it to suit you for the 46 weeks or so you’re there without them.

Decide what would suit you best, and whether it’s manageable for them. Obviously if an air bed or sofa bed wouldn’t suit them - no problem. They can stay in your room. That is a manageable option for them. It might not be their preferred option but it is perfectly reasonable - more than reasonable.

We had this with my parents. First time round we got rid of the spare bed too early on in hindsight. They slept on the sofa bed or hinted heavily for us to give up our bed for them.

Second time round (different house), we maintained the spare room as we needed it for ourselves. But now we need it for one of our kids to have a bigger bedroom. We would happily give up our room for them - we have a sofa bed we can use - but they have decided we don’t have enough space to host them now and it’s easier for them if we stay with them.

I think I’ve seen previous posts of yours - are your parents the ones who ride roughshod over you when they visit and expect to sit around watching tv, refuse to walk on the beach, etc? (Sorry if I’ve got you confused with someone else.)

As melodramatic as it sounds, I would be prepared for this to affect your relationship - they won’t like it. But that’s their look-out, not yours.

I can't believe your mother thinks your 3.5yr old daughter should not have her own room in the house she lives in so that she can holiday 4-6weeks a year. How selfish is that?!

I would put a sofa bed in the living room, (double blow ups even good height ones are OK 1 but not for 2 elderly or not) can you have a small wardrobe or something in there for their kit? A camping one which can be put away afterwards. I'd clear the bed each day too.

I'd decorate the spare room and fill it with dds stuff. She has waited long enough for this don't take it off her so that selfish granny can take over and spoil it for her!

@Letsgobacktothenineties

Would this be ok? Something like one of these? My only thought is that my mum does have arthritis in her neck, would the bed be too soft 🤷🏻‍♀️ It would be ideal if we could go down this route

My parents refused to sleep on our one of these after trying it once as it made my dad's back bad. I think they are worse than a sofa bed.

Put a sofa-bed downstairs. Don't make your dd be pushed our of her room. She'll need to be able to go and hide and play. Make it her room as it should be.

Blow up beds are fine for kids but not as comfy for adults especially if anyone is packing some extra weight. I'd sleep on one for a night or two but honestly would prefer a sofa or the floor if it was any longer than that. Your mum is being unreasonable and can't have it all her own way. She either sleeps in your bedroom or in the living room. Your dd should have her own bedroom and it doesn't make sense for that room to just be kept for occasional visitors when your dd could make use of it all year round. I appreciate wanting to have a single bed so you have more floorspace for all of her toys.

I would buy a sofa bed for the living room if you can or other posters have had some great suggestions in terms of beds that you can convert from a single into a double. I would then put the options forward to your parents. If they don't like any they might next time consider spending a little more to stay at a hotel for comfort.

[quote Letsgobacktothenineties]@Luredbyapomegranate I can’t really just move them 😬they’ve always stayed with us and never mentioned hotels or b & b’s[/quote]
You can you know. Life changes and there isn’t the room for them anymore. An air bnb round the corner will be more relaxing for everyone.

Tbh, I think you should have a conversation telling them how excited DD is to be in her own room. Then breezily bring up- so your next visit! We're buying a big comfy air bed. Would you rather have that in the living room, or would you prefer our bed and we'll take it.

@zurala
I've had 3 blow up beds... moderate priced, High priced and Supreme priced.

When they blew up I thought," Wow that looks so comfortable.."
2nd day I could hardly walk.

The first 2 got holes in them..( Plus uncomfortable so didn't bother patching.

The second one I spent a fortune on thinking..." That's it..." What a mistake. Yes worse than fold out couch

I don't think any of these discussions about blow up beds matter. Sure you can get amazing ones and that is what OP can look at .. or a sofa bed or whatever for the lounge - but what OP will need do is give her DD her own bedroom generally!!!

There is one second bedroom and of course it has to be her DD's at age 3.5 years old

and therefore there is NO LONGER a spare bedroom for any visitors including DGPs to stay in as all the bedrooms are now fully occupied.

It's great that PPs are making suggestions of additional bedding options for visitors , but not one of those should override her resident DD's needs !!!!!

My parents stay regularly in one week stays at my house (8 weeks a year or not more) but they would never ever expect to turf out one of their beloved DGC from their bedrooms. They would rather stay in a B&B than distress their DGC and I LOVE my parents, would give them my bed anyway or they would find a way or book a room in a b&b themselves. Because they are not entitled a##eholee.

I can't believe how demanding OPs DM is

A child doesn't need their own bedroom, especially when it means grandparents who they may love and be close to, can't come and stay. There's nothing wrong with a few nights camping in mum and dad's room. We have regularly had people to stay which has meant some camping / shuffling around for a few nights. Family friends come and stay sometimes with 2 or 3 kids and we all have a reshuffle to fit them in. We actually treat it as fun / camping because we like our visitors.

A child gets there own bedroom. Obviously in an emergency Ds would be decamped into our room. But it’s not just a one off here. If grandparents come x2 per year, other grandparents x2, friends pop over now and then. Etc. non covid times, we end up with guests on at least a monthly basis.
Which is fine. We enjoy them coming. Just that the nice bedroom with en-suite is now Ds room, and guests have to stay on signed in office if they want to come.

Well of course the OP needs to give her DD her own room, that goes without saying, and her parents are ridiculous and totally unreasonable to expect that the room remains unchanged as 'their room'.

However, it is also perfectly reasonable to expect a child to move out if that room to enable visiting guests to have their own space .

I'm assuming that due to the length of time they stay that the OP and her parents live some distance away, possibly different countries .

The toddler could have kept a double bed. I don't understand why that's a problem

I guess as child grows up, parents need to find an air bnb

I’m an older granny, and although when younger I’d sleep perfectly well with dh even in the small (4 foot) double at my DM’s, there’s no way I would now. We both sleep much less well and I can’t/won’t sleep even in a standard double - it feels so uncomfortably cramped.

If a standard double sofa bed was the only option at yours, I’d have to book a hotel or AirB&B with at least a king size, or twin beds. I will be doing this in the not too distant when visiting a sibling, where their guest room has a standard double bed.

Sorry, no help I know, but older people often don’t sleep nearly as well as they did when rather younger. Which may be hard to understand when you are still relatively young.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

I’m an older granny, and although when younger I’d sleep perfectly well with dh even in the small (4 foot) double at my DM’s, there’s no way I would now. We both sleep much less well and I can’t/won’t sleep even in a standard double - it feels so uncomfortably cramped.

If a standard double sofa bed was the only option at yours, I’d have to book a hotel or AirB&B with at least a king size, or twin beds. I will be doing this in the not too distant when visiting a sibling, where their guest room has a standard double bed.

Sorry, no help I know, but older people often don’t sleep nearly as well as they did when rather younger. Which may be hard to understand when you are still relatively young.

Did you not read the part where OP has offered to give up her own bed but this was declined?

You really don't want to be shoving a sofa round between rooms multiple times a year either.

Could it go in the sitting room? And either your DPs sleep there or you do and they get your room. You could always tell them DDog no longer sleeps in your room ;)

Do you have any prospect of moving house in the next few years so you have a spare room?

Late 60s,early 70s is not elderly !