I'm a horrible mother!!!!!

cactusoil · 2022-03-16T14:59:40+00:00

I think there's something wrong with me. I can't believe I'm even admitting this I feel like a horrible mother. I feel like I don't like being around my 4 year old daughter, I hate playing with her, I hate staying in all day with her, but I also hate going anywhere with her. It's like having a ball and chain attached to me that makes the most annoying noises and no matter what I can't get away. I'm always waiting for a break, and when I do I shut myself away and sleep. She's constantly talking and her voice goes right through me, she always puts on a whiney whingey voice which I don't respond well to. She follows me everywhere and makes stupid noises, she looks for me to entertain her all the time and I hate it. She used to be really good at playing by herself. I feel like I don't really want to be here anymore, every one always goes on about how amazing being a mother is. It's not, it's fucking shit and I hate it. I have more bad days than good. It's like having a job you can't quit. I want to stop feeling like this, im scared to admit this to anyone hence the anonymous post. She literally makes my blood boil with her constantly being around me, I would get like this around anyone 24/7 to be honest. Im sick of the mess, the interrupted sleep, my entire life revolving around a child. I miss my old life so much sometimes it hurts. Please help.

Itwasntmeright · 16/03/2022 15:03

You’re not an awful mother, you’re just a… Mother.

You sound like you’re in need of a break. Do you have anyone who can look after her for a bit while you take some time for yourself? Is her father on the scene?

Tothemoonandbackx · 16/03/2022 15:07

How long have you felt like this????

ifoundthebread · 16/03/2022 15:12

Your honestly not a horrible mother! I say that as I had a few months/year or two of feeling the same. I hated that phase with a passion, from being 1-3 I enjoyed motherhood, even had a second child then I hated it, for all the reasons you mention. I could have wrote this! Now dd is older and is In full time school, I now have time to find me again. I went to the Dr's about how I was feeling, how I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to die or hurt myself, didn't want to be anywhere else specific except just not here, not here in that moment. They threw the depression tag and some pills and on my way I went. Did they help, not really. You know what did help, someone telling me it was okay to feel like this, it's okay to dislike a person, dislike a moment in time, dislike a phase, dislike your own train of thought even. But please remember your only human and this phase will eventually pass. Hugs. X

drawingpad · 16/03/2022 15:13

Please help.

Please speak to your GP as soon as possible. Show them what you have written.

Thasheblows88 · 16/03/2022 15:19

You are not a horrible mother op, you sound depressed and possibly isolated.

I think it's perfectly normal to have periods of feeling a bit like this, but perhaps it's a warning sign that your mental health is suffering if you feel like this continually?

What do support do you have around you? Do you work? Does your DD go to school?

Could you possibly talk to your GP.about how you are feeling?

I used to feel a bit like this when my DH was travelling for long hours abroad when my dds were small and me and the DC spent long hours together alone. I found it was better if , however bad I was feeling, I attacked the day and gave the DC my undivided attention in the morning (or for a couple of hours after school) and then they would not be so demanding the rest of the time. This is very hard to do though if you are depressed and sometimes part of being strong is asking for help... .

pointythings · 16/03/2022 15:22

Firstly 4 is a difficult age. They're very verbal but not very able to regulate their emotions yet, which makes for a volatile combo. Both of mine were harder at 4 than they were at 2 - or as teens.

Secondly, are you a SAHM? It it worth looking into work if you are, even if it only just covers the childcare? Time with other adults can be enormously refreshing.

Lastly, I would second seeing your GP because you sound as if you are at the end of your rope. Getting support would be good for you and your DD.

You're not horrible, you're just finding it tough.

Kenwouldmixitup · 16/03/2022 15:23

Ah! I see you have earned the tee shirt. You’re a good enough mother who needs support, just as all those before you. Good advice here.

adhgj · 16/03/2022 15:24

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FTEngineerM · 16/03/2022 15:24

They threw the depression tag and some pills and on my way I went

Yeah, some people think you must be mentally ill to actually say out loud that your disliking being a parent.

Men up and leave all the fucking time without question. Being a parent is isolating, and sometimes fucking awful. It’s awful BECAUSE you show up everyday, for them, every single day.. it’s intense to be caring for another human being for that long.

Sometimes people just need a good rest and some fucking silence time to be able to think, for once.

noottersontheflightdeck · 16/03/2022 15:33

You poor thing. You're not a horrible mother. You're just tired and bored.

It's gone out of fashion but you could trot out 'only boring people are bored' when she's demanding you become a one woman entertainment system and then firmly prod her in the direction of a book/toy/paper and crayons.

You can say 'I hate it when you use that whining tone. It's annoying. Use your lovely, normal voice." And rinse and repeat. It's not horrible to correct your child when they whinge.

Children are boring and annoying sometimes. One of my favourite (female!) comedians says the trouble with your own children is that literally everything they know is something you taught them.

Seraphinesupport · 16/03/2022 15:33

Just know there are choices. there are options and just be honest with yourself and other people. Its ok to hate being a mother.
I love my children but i hate being a mum. I wish i was the dad that could go off and just do weekends and the holidays and be a disney dad doing all the fun stuff :(

Thing is its super hard and without a break its even harder, i had a friend who put her son up for adoption and it was really sad for her but she did what she thought was right because she just couldnt cope.
People also told her it was depression but really it was just life

Clarabe1 · 16/03/2022 15:36

You are not a horrible Mum. You sound depressed and like you desperately need a break. See you GP and don’t take no for an answer- not a phone call, you need a proper appointment. Do you have any support, family etc?

5128gap · 16/03/2022 15:40

Its actually quite concerning the number of people who think that because a woman doesn't enjoy looking after a child she needs to go to the doctor to be 'fixed'. The OP may or may not be depressed, but merely disliking the day to day grind of motherhood, and even not particularly liking a clingy and demanding child (even one you love) is not of itself indicative of mental illness. OP, lots of mothers feel like this at some stage in parenthood, you just feel alone and guilty because its such a taboo to talk about it. I agree with the posters suggesting you try and take a break, but if that's not possible, try spending time with her with other people around, or on activities where she is occupied to dilute the intensity, and provide lots of opportunities to go off and play with other children. If weekends are long and hard, could you enroll her in a class of some sort to break the day up? If its evening, could you invite a friend round? You also need to work really hard on faking it, as the more she feels you pull away, the tighter she will cling. And above all, remember your feelings now will be unlikely to be your lifelong attitude. You don't like this stage, but you might love her teens, when some of the mums who adored little ones are pulling their hair out.

Clarabe1 · 16/03/2022 15:43

I mentioned seeing her GP @5128gap because op says she shuts herself away and sleeps when the child is not with her. That could be because she is knackered but it could also be depression. I think it’s sensible to see a GP to at least rule it out

Wnikat · 16/03/2022 15:44

Can you get a job so you're not with her 24/7?

FTEngineerM · 16/03/2022 15:48

@5128gap

Its actually quite concerning the number of people who think that because a woman doesn't enjoy looking after a child she needs to go to the doctor to be 'fixed'. The OP may or may not be depressed, but merely disliking the day to day grind of motherhood, and even not particularly liking a clingy and demanding child (even one you love) is not of itself indicative of mental illness. OP, lots of mothers feel like this at some stage in parenthood, you just feel alone and guilty because its such a taboo to talk about it. I agree with the posters suggesting you try and take a break, but if that's not possible, try spending time with her with other people around, or on activities where she is occupied to dilute the intensity, and provide lots of opportunities to go off and play with other children. If weekends are long and hard, could you enroll her in a class of some sort to break the day up? If its evening, could you invite a friend round? You also need to work really hard on faking it, as the more she feels you pull away, the tighter she will cling. And above all, remember your feelings now will be unlikely to be your lifelong attitude. You don't like this stage, but you might love her teens, when some of the mums who adored little ones are pulling their hair out.

Fantastically put.

HereForTheBiscuits · 16/03/2022 15:52

It sounds like you need a bit of a break. Do you have anyone who could watch her overnight for you? Either her other parent (you didn't mention in your post so don't want to assume), or a family member. Take yourself off to a hotel for the night and have some quality, alone time without any guilt, or go out with friends for the evening and let your hair down a bit. Try and get out of the house for time off though either way otherwise you'll likely get sucked into the trap of deep cleaning something because you don't have a child in the way or something similar.

Also, the fact that you are worrying about being a bad mum because you are feeling burnt out suggests to me that you are a really great mum who is just a bit frazzled at the moment, which is perfectly normal and ok to admit.

drawingpad · 16/03/2022 15:53

Its actually quite concerning the number of people who think that because a woman doesn't enjoy looking after a child she needs to go to the doctor to be 'fixed'.

I actually suggested she contact her GO be sue she needs help.

2Gen · 16/03/2022 15:55

It sounds like you're worn out and ground down alright but I'm concerned for your DD too, because she may well be picking up that you can't stand being around her and that will dmage her if you don't or can't change it. We get so many posts on MN and the net in general about women whose mothers have been cold, unloving, distant and even abusive.
I was a lone mother for 9 years and when I say "lone" I mean alone, most of the times, little to no support so I get that it can wear you down BUT, I never hated being with my child. I craved regular breaks, which I rarely got, but I mostly wanted them to recharge rather than to get away from him because he was mostly a source of joy to me, so I am worried for your daughter.
You need to go back to your GP and tell them what you've told us and demand to referred to Child and Family Mental Health services there and then. If you do not get help I am very concerned that the situation will deteriorate to the detriment of your DD. Sorry to be so blunt but I am surprised no PP so far has said something like this. Her needs do come first and you do have a duty to her so please don't delay getting help.

AllTheWeetabix · 16/03/2022 15:59

Please show the girl some love, I no it’s so so hard trust me I’ve been there. But it isn’t your daughters fault she didn’t ask to be here.

Mulhollandmagoo · 16/03/2022 16:01

You can say 'I hate it when you use that whining tone. It's annoying. Use your lovely, normal voice." And rinse and repeat. It's not horrible to correct your child when they whinge

This is great advice! It's absolutely not horrible to correct them when they're whining, as soon as I realised that my head didn't hurt as much 😂 also, when she is bored just say 'mummy is having a cup of tea and five minutes peace, go and draw a picture/play with toys and I will be through in a minute and play with you' I think the problem is you're giving her every ounce of yourself and you're exhausted, you need to factor in your own needs and wants into your life, based on that I'd say you're not a horrible mother at all, you're actually a bloody fantastic mother!! iPads and the TV are your friend when things get too heavy for you.

Graphista · 16/03/2022 16:03

You're not a horrible mother you're just struggling with this stage.

Every mum has stages and ages they prefer/hate for me the hated stage was 7-10 years old approx I just found dd very annoying at that point

It got better

I'm maybe weird in that my favourite stage was early to mid teens we got on really well at that point

Others hate the baby stage

You do sound isolated and unsupported I think with your dc aged 4 you still can access hv services? They will know what's available in your area in terms of support, respite, things to do etc

It's not horrible to correct your child when they whinge.

Definitely if dd was like that with me I'd tell her to cut it out if she asked for stuff this way she wouldn't get whatever it was until she asked in a non whiny way

Also does dc absolutely no harm to learn that your world does not revolve around them!

They can wait for you to be ready to play with them, they can entertain themselves sometimes they can leave you in peace sometimes either to rest or to get certain things done.

GreMay1 · 16/03/2022 16:04

@cactusoil motherhood is shit sometimes especially if you have no support network.

Is the father involved? Have you got near by friends? You need to speak to your GP and tell the you are struggling.

SmellyOldOwls · 16/03/2022 16:06

4 year olds are really intense and when you're worried about other things (work, money) the incessant talking can snap your last nerve. No one enjoys their children all the time but you should enjoy them most or at least some of the time, if you're not then you need some time apart. Is she in school yet, if not that'll hopefully be a turning point. When they're ready for school but aren't there yet it's awful because they're constantly seeking stimulation that one person just can't provide. Get her on the list for some clubs, make sure she gets plenty of exercise first thing so she's a bit more chilled later and buy her a switch or an iPad or something. You can't be 'on' all the time, nobody can.

Bootothegoose · 16/03/2022 16:08

God you’re not a horrible mother. You’re human.

I have times when I could drop the fuckers off on the side of the road and never look back, but you don’t. At no point in this have you said you don’t love her, that therefore makes you a good mother.

You love, care, entertain, feed, clothe and comfort your child every day. That makes you wonderful. Parenting is lonely, so ducking lonely and when you are with a toddler/child day in and day out with no reprieve it’s no surprise you’re at the end of your tether.

Is she at school yet? By the time DD had reached school age I would lie awake in bed at night crying because I didn’t have the wherewithal to have another day of mummy mummy mummy whine whinge cry tantrum mummy mummy mummy touch touch hug cuddle grab nip drop break mummy mummy.

Some periods are hellish but you bat on. 4 years is very common for massive regressions and that can be infuriatingly difficult. Periods do get easier and they do mature quicker than you think once they get to school.

Boundaries/routine and ipad as you drink brews in the kitchen with the door closed is how I survive periods like what you’re describing.

If you feel you genuinely need help, is it possible to reach out to family? Ask someone to have her overnight/for a weekend/a week however long they will have her and just have a break and some space.