I'm a horrible mother!!!!!

[cactusoil]

I think there's something wrong with me. I can't believe I'm even admitting this I feel like a horrible mother.

I feel like I don't like being around my 4 year old daughter, I hate playing with her, I hate staying in all day with her, but I also hate going anywhere with her. It's like having a ball and chain attached to me that makes the most annoying noises and no matter what I can't get away.

I'm always waiting for a break, and when I do I shut myself away and sleep.

She's constantly talking and her voice goes right through me, she always puts on a whiney whingey voice which I don't respond well to. She follows me everywhere and makes stupid noises, she looks for me to entertain her all the time and I hate it. She used to be really good at playing by herself.

I feel like I don't really want to be here anymore, every one always goes on about how amazing being a mother is. It's not, it's fucking shit and I hate it. I have more bad days than good. It's like having a job you can't quit.

I want to stop feeling like this, im scared to admit this to anyone hence the anonymous post.

She literally makes my blood boil with her constantly being around me, I would get like this around anyone 24/7 to be honest.

Im sick of the mess, the interrupted sleep, my entire life revolving around a child. I miss my old life so much sometimes it hurts.

Please help.

felt like this around DS quite a bit at this age . You needs some breaks if you can manage it. However as well as trying to get some time doing things on your own , counterintuitively I found that if I could manage to play with DS, completely following his lead , with no distractions this would help as he would be much less clingy. Sometimes it felt impossible to do because of how I felt but I would set a 30 minute timer and explained to DS that when the timer went I would have to do something else but for that time we would do/ play whatever he wanted and I completely followed his lead and focussed on him. As ds's preferred games were very physical, including play wrestling and me being a horse carrying him etc , it was often exhausting. I often was longing for the 30 mins to be up but never reneged on it . We did this 1-2 times a week for many many months and DS never failed to be calmer and less clingy with me for at least a few hours and even a day or two after these sessions

. The book I read that helped me with this was called playful parenting . I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that it saved my relationship with DS when he was small.

@5128gap

Its actually quite concerning the number of people who think that because a woman doesn't enjoy looking after a child she needs to go to the doctor to be 'fixed'. The OP may or may not be depressed, but merely disliking the day to day grind of motherhood, and even not particularly liking a clingy and demanding child (even one you love) is not of itself indicative of mental illness. OP, lots of mothers feel like this at some stage in parenthood, you just feel alone and guilty because its such a taboo to talk about it. I agree with the posters suggesting you try and take a break, but if that's not possible, try spending time with her with other people around, or on activities where she is occupied to dilute the intensity, and provide lots of opportunities to go off and play with other children. If weekends are long and hard, could you enroll her in a class of some sort to break the day up? If its evening, could you invite a friend round? You also need to work really hard on faking it, as the more she feels you pull away, the tighter she will cling. And above all, remember your feelings now will be unlikely to be your lifelong attitude. You don't like this stage, but you might love her teens, when some of the mums who adored little ones are pulling their hair out.

I couldn’t agree more Whilst there is of course absolutely no “shame “ in needing help or feeing like something is wrong I am alarmed at what I often feel is gaslighting women in these boards into thinking they have a problem.

OP what you are feeling is entirely normal and I don’t believe a mother who says she he never get exasperated , drained or just totally fucked off with their children at some stage or other.

All my three are and have been hard work at this age.

I went through a patch like this and found 2 things really helpful. 1) You can get these noise reducing earplugs that just take that wingey whining noise down to a bearable pitch. My kids also whine at a pitch that makes my blood boil and these earplugs really help me to not lose my cool. I also find they make things like vacuuming and being in noisy crowds much easier for me, I think it's a kind of misophonia tbh. They're very discrete and you can still hear enough to carry on a conversation, they just dull the sound. 2) Sertraline. I take 100mg and they have improved my mood, patience, and tolerance 100%. I wasn't what you would traditionally think of as depressed either, but they have really helped me. You're not a horrible mum but you do sound like you need a plan in place to change things and these 2 things have really helped me.

While I appreciate the concerns being expressed that diagnosing depression is a bit too simple, the fact that you sleep such a lot when you can is concerning. Having said that, I think it's a fairly normal response to now liking your life.

Do you ever get a break? if you don't work, can you start working? Or, if you can afford it, can you put DD in childcare part time so that you get some time to yourself? Do you have friends/family you can get help from AND equally importantly, who you can just have fun with/spend time with, without your DD to remember what it feels like to be a person who isn't a mum?

You sound incredibly lonely and isolated and like it's just you and DD all the time and if that's the case, no wonder you're so unhappy. I adore my children. But if I had to spend all my time with them I'd lose it completely.

you are not a bad mum, just a tired run run down one.

It's like having a ball and chain attached to me that makes the most annoying noises and no matter what I can't get away.

Do you have any family around? Any neighbours you get on with especially teenagers/young adults? Any friends with children around the same age? Any one from nursery, if your child goes to nursery, she can go and play with for a couple of hours?

You need to convince them that your daughter likes them and wants to see them regularly which luckily she probably does if they show interest in her.

In my 20s I would have my nephews, nieces and random neighbours children to look after so their mothers could have a break. The end of half terms were particularly amusing as the few times I said I would take them out, especially on a trip, their mothers would literally push them out of the door when I turned up. On my return even if it was a couple of hours their mothers were much happier.

You're not a horrible mother. I have a 3 year old and a 4 year old and I have days like this, where all I want to do is stare at my phone and not do any parenting. If this feeling is all encompassing though, you need to talk to a GP because it could be undiagnosed autism, depression, anxiety. You also need support, do you have any family that could take her for a few hours a week? Any possibility for a babysitter whilst you go out and recharge, even if it's for a coffee by yourself. She will be starting school in September I imagine, it will get easier x

Welcome to the party.
Seriously, it’s not you, it’s them.
Unfortunately parenting isn’t all people make it out to be.
It’s hard. And boring. And relentless. And demanding. And frustrating. And tiring.
There’s very little real joy in my experience/opinion.

I’m also on the countdown until mine starts school in September. It won’t be a minute too soon. Never mind crying at the school gate. I’ll be the one sprinting out! Hang in there.

You can say 'I hate it when you use that whining tone. It's annoying. Use your lovely, normal voice." And rinse and repeat. It's not horrible to correct your child when they whinge.

I always tell my daughter, "I'm sorry, I don't speak whinge' and pretend it's like a foreign language I don't understand, only responding when she finally uses her normal voice.

You are not a horrible mother. I'm assuming you used to work /had a career and you need to have some time with adult company. You don't mention your circumstances so please tell me when I assume too much
Your daughter whines at you because she wants your attention. It's lonely being a small child too ,with only one person for company, especially when they don't want to or can't engage.
Could you take on a part time job ? Would you be able to arrange childcare ?do you have a partner who could support you a lot more than they are currently?. I take it your daughter is at nursery/preschool ? Could you work or find something to occupy yourself while she is there?. For your own, and your child's benefit you need to take some kind of action sooner rather than later. Being around other adults will allow you to become a well rounded person again and make you feel like a well rounded person rather than an automaton doing the same thing every day and feeling no joy in your life
A bit of space and time will help you appreciate your daughter more and enjoy her company. I feel that maybe talking to a Dr or support worker (health visitor ?) Could also be of some value to both of you. Be Frank with them. You don't have to be a resentful martyr.

I'm sorry, I don't speak whinge

😂 I'm stealing this!!

I used to put on ear defenders when the whingeing got too much. The sensory onslaught can just be rage inducing. Time out was as much for me as them 😏

You’re totally normal.

She’ll be in school before you know it and you’ll get a good chunk of your “before” life back.

Have you tried setting aside half an hour to very enthusiastically and attentively play with her everyday? Really focused special time. Let her know it’s happening & when & set a timer for when it’s over. She might be disappointed but you can say “I loved playing with you too and I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow, but right now I need to do xyz. Why don’t you do some drawing?”

It’s amazing how much that really focused play time can help stop them hanging off you aaaalll day while you half heartedly try & entertain them while trying to shower/make dinner/put a wash on etc.

@cactusoil

‘ She's constantly talking and her voice goes right through me, she always puts on a whiney whingey voice which I don't respond well to. She follows me everywhere and makes stupid noises, she looks for me to entertain her all the time and I hate it. She used to be really good at playing by herself.

It sounds like she’s bored stiff & is ready for school.

Can you get her into more daycare /nursery/infants?
Something to stretch her mind & social development, & give you a bloody break?

Have no doubt that you are a plenty good mother.

On these types of threads, there are always posters saying 'your poor child/children, they will pick up on you not wanting to be around them and it's your responsibility to make a loving, safe home for them' type of thing.
I cringe when I read this because this is the guilty stick to beat a woman with, to shut her up, to shame her into silence. And that is prevalent in our culture.
I've been where you are Op, and still am but with only one of my children now.
He's so annoying, argumentative, clingy, hyperactive and unpleasant company a lot of the time.
What helps me is realizing that it's totally normal to be beside yourself with frustration when you spend a lot of time with someone who annoys you greatly.
We can't actually help these negative reactions when in this situation, it happens at a viseral level in our nervous system, prompting us to move away from this annoyance.
Problem is, people think mothers should be some kind of saint and put up with this, and mothers are shamed into silence.
We did not evolve to spend so much time alone with small children. Some people can tolerate it easily, while for others it's hell.
I feel the only solution is to spend much less time alone with children. They can be terrible company and it's one-sided with you giving and them taking.
Best to totally change your life around so you work, have hobbies, friends and some kind of self development, something that interests you.
Then your relationship with your daughter will most likely change for the better.

You're not a horrible mother op. I totally get missing your whole life but 4 is still so young, your life won't always be like this with them so dependent on you 24/7. Do you feel like you love your child?

I haven't read the whole thread. But I could have written the OP. And I work. And DD has hobbies. And I have so much support. DD is just really hard work and I am really ashamed of somethings I've said to her in the heat of the moment. It literally makes me want to crawl into a hole. BUT she doesn't listen. She needs my attention all the time. She doesn't follow instruction. She also has vocal and physical ticks which I know she can't help but as she masks them its like a tick explosion every evening and they literally put me in an instant bad mood. I love her so so much and I am so desperate to like her but I find her impossible so much of the time.

Gosh I applaud you for being so honest. You are not a bad mother. You are human and you are struggling and that’s normal. It’s not healthy for you and your child to be together 24/7 - you need to be working as she needs to be with other kids her age at nursery, as she will be school age very soon. Is this the case? If not, look into it. Whining is irritating, and needs nipping in the bud. Please don’t give up OP, as you can see you have a lot of people who support you.

Four year olds are HARD WORK. We used to call them 'the f*cking fours' as it was worse than terrible twos. I loved being home with my kids back in the mists of time , but I needed support and companionship and so do you! You're not weird, just lonely and tired. Can you get together with other parents? I found being out and about easier than usual being in, even walking in the park, having a take away coffee and a chat with other mums etc. She will be at school very soon, hang in. I found my kids got significantly easier once school started and again when they turned about seven? It's just got better and better since. Be nice to yourself and to her. Just cuddle her whenever you feel able and try not to be shouty too often. I use to shout at my first and I regret it, but he doesn't remember a thing! And regularly tells me he had a fantastic early years experience! Just do your best, get some people to hang out with. You're okay! It is temporary!

Are you taking the medication because quite frankly it sounds like you need it. You aren't a bad person for feeling this way but you aren't being the best mother to your child at this moment either. Honestly is their any family, anyone that could step in to take care of her whilst you take care of yourself? You need help and support and need to recognise that you are allowed to ask for it. Don't beat yourself up for how you feel but do appreciate that you need some form of help.

@Sceptre86

Are you taking the medication because quite frankly it sounds like you need it. You aren't a bad person for feeling this way but you aren't being the best mother to your child at this moment either. Honestly is their any family, anyone that could step in to take care of her whilst you take care of yourself? You need help and support and need to recognise that you are allowed to ask for it. Don't beat yourself up for how you feel but do appreciate that you need some form of help.

Bit lol coming from a pharmacist

Will she start school in September?
Honestly it's a godsend, a whole new set of stuff to deal with but at least you get some SPACE

@50DaysAF

Welcome to the party. Seriously, it’s not you, it’s them. Unfortunately parenting isn’t all people make it out to be. It’s hard. And boring. And relentless. And demanding. And frustrating. And tiring. There’s very little real joy in my experience/opinion.

I’m also on the countdown until mine starts school in September. It won’t be a minute too soon. Never mind crying at the school gate. I’ll be the one sprinting out! Hang in there.

Wow this is me! I feel exactly this way! My son starts school in Sept and I'm so excited.

Can you get a babysitter once or twice a week and take up a hobby? Shutting yourself away and sleeping isn't very emotionally fulfilling, maybe you need some time to focus on something else? Even a couple of hours a week of doing something for you could make a big difference.

If you are feeling like you may have depression, the GP is the way forward.

I would suggest trying both.

@AllTheWeetabix

Please show the girl some love, I no it’s so so hard trust me I’ve been there. But it isn’t your daughters fault she didn’t ask to be here.

This!! I've felt how you have felt on occasions op and I have to take stock and remember that I brought my child into the world. I bear the responsibility not to make them feel anything but wanted and loved. Its so draining and tiring and depressing at times but when you're feeling overwhelmed, please put yourself in her shoes and think how she would feel. You need to go to work or study full time to get out of the full time mum role.