I'm a horrible mother!!!!!

[cactusoil]

I think there's something wrong with me. I can't believe I'm even admitting this I feel like a horrible mother.

I feel like I don't like being around my 4 year old daughter, I hate playing with her, I hate staying in all day with her, but I also hate going anywhere with her. It's like having a ball and chain attached to me that makes the most annoying noises and no matter what I can't get away.

I'm always waiting for a break, and when I do I shut myself away and sleep.

She's constantly talking and her voice goes right through me, she always puts on a whiney whingey voice which I don't respond well to. She follows me everywhere and makes stupid noises, she looks for me to entertain her all the time and I hate it. She used to be really good at playing by herself.

I feel like I don't really want to be here anymore, every one always goes on about how amazing being a mother is. It's not, it's fucking shit and I hate it. I have more bad days than good. It's like having a job you can't quit.

I want to stop feeling like this, im scared to admit this to anyone hence the anonymous post.

She literally makes my blood boil with her constantly being around me, I would get like this around anyone 24/7 to be honest.

Im sick of the mess, the interrupted sleep, my entire life revolving around a child. I miss my old life so much sometimes it hurts.

Please help.

It sounds like you’ve been through such an awful time OP, far more damaging than you’re average mother. As you’ve seen from some of the responses, many mums have felt like you without the added trauma.

I hope you’re able to get the support you need soon to improve your situation.

The summer before my son started school, he loved talking at me so much that when he had nothing to say he just talked gibberish. The first day of reception was a relief!

I've had a lot less crap thrown at me over the years I've had kids and I still feel like I'm done in and don't want to do it anymore. Mine are 4 and 6 and it's probably the 4 year old that pushes my buttons the most. He's needy, dramatic and just so difficult that I'm reduced to tears by the relentlessness of it all.

I even work 3 days a week, they spend time with their dad, if I'm staying with my parents they will take over for an hour or two but I still find it difficult.

I suspect a lot of my mood is based on lockdown because my patience has never been this thin before but I feel like I used it all up during those months and there is nothing left anymore.

I often wonder how I'm going to get through another day yet somehow I do.

Take each day as a new day, just get through each one at a time and when you've completed another day congratulate yourself on getting through it. Your daughter will be in school soon and that could well help her, my youngest really needs the proper structure of school now, nursery just isn't enough. He turned 4 last September whereas his brother was a summer baby so he was only just 4 and I think it stopped the boredom.

Keep trying to sort your meds out, I'm actually wondering if maybe the GP can help me because I'm just so ratty all the time and that's not helping either.

Good luck, you are doing great, even on the days you might not be. Keep going, one step, one day at a time.

You sound tired, depressed, and isolated. Is the dad on the scene? Have you got friends/family? Are there any playgroups nearby? Libraries sometimes have groups. Please see your GP though, and get antidepressants if needed.

Sorry, just saw your later post. You had a very rough time after the birth of your daughter. I hope your GP helps to get you on some effective treatment. There may be self-help groups, if you Google something x

Honestly op I went to work and it did wonders for my mental health. I hadn't realised just how my life had become drudgery - just mummy mummy mummy mummy urrgghhhh mummy whhiiiiiiine. At 5:30 my h would come down from work and I'd be saying WHAT NOW?!?!?? He'd say jeez be patient etc. and then I'd snap at him and say well I'd been patient all fucking day and it's exhausting. Anyway, I work now and earn pennies but I couldn't care less, my mh is brilliant now, dd is at school and while she's not always happy about this she loves it when she's there. Life just improved overnight.

You sound burnt out, not a terrible mother. It is relentless (I have a 4 year old myself) I get it, if I didn't have such great support I'd be completely fried too. I think you sound like you need a break and some extra support, is there anyone who can help you, even if it's just so you can have a couple of hours doing something you enjoy or spending some time with some adult company? It will get better, your daughter will become more independent as time goes on, she won't always be a tiny 4 year old relying on you for everything.

You need separation. Can you get a job and get her in nursery or child minder using your free hours? Even if you do 2 days a week at a shop or something, for some adult company. Then get her in some clubs - you can drop and go at 4 years or sit at the side and have a coffee and go on your phone. Gymnastics at the local leisure center or something like that. Also rainbows starts at 4, you drop and go and it’s something around £2.50 a session. Worth a look.

Invest in an iPad or a similar tablet and you will get some peace.

@Blueeyedgirl21

You need separation. Can you get a job and get her in nursery or child minder using your free hours? Even if you do 2 days a week at a shop or something, for some adult company. Then get her in some clubs - you can drop and go at 4 years or sit at the side and have a coffee and go on your phone. Gymnastics at the local leisure center or something like that. Also rainbows starts at 4, you drop and go and it’s something around £2.50 a session. Worth a look.

This is excellent advice. There is a local Facebook group where I live where young mums are regularly posting to see if anyone is available for a coffee or a walk and their kids then get to play together and burn off some energy. Mums have it harder now because years ago you shooed your children out the door and they played outside and wore themselves out. That’s not done today for various reasons but I would try and find a way to get your child to mix with other kids and burn some energy off.

Glad this thread is helping op

Given your own complex Mh issues and needs have you a social worker? If so are they able to arrange some breaks for you? Some support?

It sounds like you are lacking a support network - I had similar problems when dd was around 8 years old possibly why I hated that stage.

Ask for help.

Unfortunately the various departments and agencies that are SUPPOSED to help with such things are now cut to the bone so now more than ever it's the squeaky wheel gets the oil!

You have to be vocal and persistent in telling gp, hv, sw...whoever! "I need help with x y z what can you sort for me, can you put me in touch with someone who can help?"

Both my girls at 4 were the most challenging for me, the 2s and 3s were a breeze. I can't really remember all the details except I do remember they were both defiant and "talking back" which I had to put a stop to. Things improved a lot from that point. I think the 4s are out of the toddler stage and yet not really old enough to be exactly in the young child stage. They also love words and voices andgettinga reaction. This is when my second would yell "Shake your booty" and start wiggling her bum because it was introduced to her by a drama teacher who thought it was funny. It was funny, irritating and mortifying depending on the situation. Everyone with small children has dreamt of taking a few weeks off (or just getting an uninterrupted shower or sleep).
They are now 21 & 18 and look after themselves, they even cook for me and make me tea.

Can you try to get some therapy and support for you and your daughter? Could you also look up guidance on kids with attachment disorders?

What you've been through is awful, and I don't say any of the following in a blamey way, but if you've been like this from birth, then it will have affected her in so many small unconscious ways. There will almost definitely be attachment disorder issues at play, which will make things feel even worse.

Just handing her an iPad, sending her to school, or trying to distract her will not help fix the issues if she's deep down unconsciously aware that you don't love her.

PTSD is a bastard. My psychologist explained to me that trauma basically fucks up your brain as you're constantly being flooded with cortisol (I think) and the level doesn't drop down to normal as it should - so all your emotions are heightened and swirling around uncontrollably.
Noise and demands can feel like torture.
Is your Dr supportive and understanding? I'd be going back again and again re the meds and I asking to be referred to trauma specific counselling not just general counselling.
Obviously your DD needs to know she's loved. And you know that. Your guilt is part of what's making you feel so terrible.
The best advice I had when I was struggling was "little and often" so half an hour, say sitting while she plays in the bath, half hour walk, half hour at the playground, read a couple of stories.
Whichever things she likes that are also the least painful for you.
And in between these bursts of attention a kind but very firm "now its time to do your jigsaws, now it's time to watch Bluey, etc"
Whatever. If you can get into a routine where she learns that the firm "its time to entertain yourself" is interspersed with "ok now let's do x together " she'll get the attention she needs, you won't feel guilty and importantly you'll have periods of peace.
You won't crack this routine overnight but it can be done.
And just remember that idea: little and often, as she becomes more secure that you want to spend time with her, she'll entertain herself in between and not feel the need to shadow you constantly. .
This too shall pass OP. You can show DD you love her while still reducing the pressure on yourself.
And please think about the specialised trauma counselling.

@tackling

I'm sorry but at no point have I ever said I do not love my daughter.

I'm so sorry for what you've been though, OP. Please tell your GP so it can be considered as part of your treatment. Can any of your DD's relatives take her regularly? Even if just once a month to give you some time to yourself?

The good news is your DD is at the age where she'll start becoming a bit more independent and you can leave her with people. It's not being a bad mum to want some separation. I went through a period out of work when DD was 3 and honestly I hated it. It was deathly boring, I existed entirely to service someone else's needs and felt lonely, exhausted and frumpy. We have a brilliant relationship now (she's 8). Don't feel ashamed - being a mother isn't some perfect idyll and wanting the best for your child sometimes means knowing they need some time away from you.

Does she go to a nursery or pre school? It could help you have a bit of perspective when she’s not there

@tackling

Can you try to get some therapy and support for you and your daughter? Could you also look up guidance on kids with attachment disorders?

What you've been through is awful, and I don't say any of the following in a blamey way, but if you've been like this from birth, then it will have affected her in so many small unconscious ways. There will almost definitely be attachment disorder issues at play, which will make things feel even worse.

Just handing her an iPad, sending her to school, or trying to distract her will not help fix the issues if she's deep down unconsciously aware that you don't love her.

How is that helpful? Why make such ignorant comments to a mother who is struggling and has described her trauma to us? Honestly i despair for humanity.

As plenty of others have said, you are not alone. I wholeheartedly agree with the pp who said being an introvert with an extroverted child is hard.

On a practical level, I have found that during periods like this the best thing to change the child’s behavior is to try and change yours a little because the more you “try to escape” the more they follow you around. So, on top of external help to get more time for yourself, you could try X mins a day of “fake it till you make it” involved play or activity or at least being involved and very positive at the start of the activity so then your dd is more likely to continue with it a bit more independently, if that makes any sense. Little challenges of let’s see how fast/well/you can do xyz may also help a bit in giving you a bit of separation sometimes.

Motherhood is fucking hard. Some days I can't stand being around my daughter either. She's an only child so has no one else to play with in the house. I stick the TV on and tell her to go and watch TV when I feel like that. Will your LO sit and watch TV? If so, then stick her in front of that for a few hours, all day if necessary so you can have some peace and quiet. Does she have a tablet? If not go and buy one immediately. Electronic devices have saved my mental health and I don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks about it.

We still do stuff together a lot but I need my space. It sounds like you need a break. I know it's easy for a stranger to say that but it is the reason you feel like this. Can you go away for a few days on your own (or with friends)? A weekend at a spa or something? It really will help with the pressure. Can she go into nursery for some time? She will be starting school soon I assume? All this will help over time I think.

Can you apply for jobs like your old job? Maybe getting your identity back will help your recovery?

I do not enjoy certain games/toys/programmes, so I do encourage my children to do activities that I am happy to do with them. I’m not keen on board games like monopoly or snakes and ladders but I love card games and carcassone, sleeping queens and sagrada, so we play them regularly.

I enjoy art so we look on you tube for art tutorials and we learn to draw and paint. Often these are adult ones that we pause regularly and discuss, but I find the kids are happy practicing what they learnt while I have 20 mins. Now at 5/6 they are happy to do you tube tutorials alone while I watch.

I won’t watch any children’s programmes after dinner (no children’s programmes on the tv after dinner) but I am happy to watch any animal/history/space/science documentary with them. It may be they only manage 10 mins to start with but by next year you may get through an hour of something you are vaguely interested in.

Get her to join in with some of the things you love (or maybe things you used to love if you are still recovering and are unsure what you currently enjoy). Watch little you tube videos with her (I got into space and planets because of doing this with my children). Or put in old music you used to love on YouTube and dance around to it, create a playlist. This may help you and her.

Try and find enjoyment in something and get her to join in.

It is hard it can be very lonely. I hope things get better for you.

@5128gap

Its actually quite concerning the number of people who think that because a woman doesn't enjoy looking after a child she needs to go to the doctor to be 'fixed'. The OP may or may not be depressed, but merely disliking the day to day grind of motherhood, and even not particularly liking a clingy and demanding child (even one you love) is not of itself indicative of mental illness. OP, lots of mothers feel like this at some stage in parenthood, you just feel alone and guilty because its such a taboo to talk about it. I agree with the posters suggesting you try and take a break, but if that's not possible, try spending time with her with other people around, or on activities where she is occupied to dilute the intensity, and provide lots of opportunities to go off and play with other children. If weekends are long and hard, could you enroll her in a class of some sort to break the day up? If its evening, could you invite a friend round? You also need to work really hard on faking it, as the more she feels you pull away, the tighter she will cling. And above all, remember your feelings now will be unlikely to be your lifelong attitude. You don't like this stage, but you might love her teens, when some of the mums who adored little ones are pulling their hair out.

Actually it was a bit more than not enjoying it. She hates it and the child grates on her. Here's my question for OP; what about adoption? If you genuinely don't want to be a mother then you actually don't have to be, you can give your child up for adoption to a loving family. Alternatively work on your attitude, it's something we all have to do in life. You need to prioritise your child here by doing one of the above.

@crispmidnightpeace I agree it's more than that and OP needs some assistance from a GP.

To suggest adoption though is wild. You do not know OP to make those statements so boldly.

[quote GreMay1]@crispmidnightpeace I agree it's more than that and OP needs some assistance from a GP.

To suggest adoption though is wild. You do not know OP to make those statements so boldly.[/quote]
A statement that adoption is an option? I don't need to know anyone, that's an objective fact. What exactly do you think a GP will do? A GP is likely to prescribe SSRIs and counselling. These are unlikely to solve the problem that OP does not seem to want to be a mother. SSRIs prevent serotonin reuptake, they do not install maternal instinct.

@crispmidnightpeace counselling and mediation could well help OP get through this tough patch. Again you ha e assuned the worst that it wouldnt work for what reason? Based upon what.

I have felt similar to OP many of times. Others have too... as stated on this thread and many others. Your being very drastic to Jump straight to adoption before OP has tried other options available to her.