I'm a horrible mother!!!!!

[cactusoil]

I think there's something wrong with me. I can't believe I'm even admitting this I feel like a horrible mother.

I feel like I don't like being around my 4 year old daughter, I hate playing with her, I hate staying in all day with her, but I also hate going anywhere with her. It's like having a ball and chain attached to me that makes the most annoying noises and no matter what I can't get away.

I'm always waiting for a break, and when I do I shut myself away and sleep.

She's constantly talking and her voice goes right through me, she always puts on a whiney whingey voice which I don't respond well to. She follows me everywhere and makes stupid noises, she looks for me to entertain her all the time and I hate it. She used to be really good at playing by herself.

I feel like I don't really want to be here anymore, every one always goes on about how amazing being a mother is. It's not, it's fucking shit and I hate it. I have more bad days than good. It's like having a job you can't quit.

I want to stop feeling like this, im scared to admit this to anyone hence the anonymous post.

She literally makes my blood boil with her constantly being around me, I would get like this around anyone 24/7 to be honest.

Im sick of the mess, the interrupted sleep, my entire life revolving around a child. I miss my old life so much sometimes it hurts.

Please help.

This thread is awful! I have three children, one of them still 4 and I genuinely can't imagine ever feeling that way about them. Of course there are tough times, days when you feel exhausted, but i don't think it's normal to feel the viciousness expressed by the OP. Let's remember there's a small and helpless child bearing the brunt of these emotions...let's not normalise that. OP...please think about how you can change your life, access more support and use more childcare. Be kind to yourself and your child. Life is not all sunshine and rainbows, sometimes it's tough and you have to dig deep. But I'm sorry, I can't join in the chorus of people saying it's ok to feel that way.

Its definitely normal to have phases where they are quite decidedly not cute and frankly annoying.

This is why many mothers choose to work! Do you have any opportunity to work? I find that the break you get through work means you can appreciate the time you spend together. You also get to recover a bit of yourself.

Presumably she doesnt start school until sept? It might feel like a long time but when that time comes you will get as bit more break.

Probably has been suggested but part time job? A course? Ideally In -person

I think it's normal to feel this way, but use it as a lever to make changes so you have more of a life outside being a mother.
It's not the child's fault, but the fault of a society that normalises spending intense alone time with children.

But I'm sorry, I can't join in the chorus of people saying it's ok to feel that way.

It's ok to feel however you do, as long as you don't allow that to affect the child through your behaviour to them.

I think not acknowledging her feelings won't help OP. It sounds like she needs help, and dismissing her feelings could prevent her seeking that help.

You're not a bad mother or person - we're just not really made for 1:1 socialising with a 4-year-old. For centuries we raised kids up in groups with other parents, let them play on their own more etc, but not it's expect for parents (AKA mum) to do everything.

And I get it that whiny voices are the worst - DH's D niece for years had the whiniest voice that DH and I both had to admit we found really grating, so I can imagine it would drive you crazy if it were 24:7.

I think sometimes when they're being annoying and you can't take it the best thing is to make yourself play with them, make yourself give them affection and you do actually start to feel better.

Are you in the UK? Are you not making use of the free hours and if not, why not?

Wow.

I am overwhelmed by the response so can't reply individually but thank you all so so much I almost cried reading some of the comments.

To answer some questions I am not currently working, DD isn't in school yet but attends nursery. I live separately from her father, he works up and down the country so sees her when he can (once every 2-3 weeks) she has family around (aunties, cousins etc on her dads side) the closest family I have is a younger sister who lives about an hour away.

I did have a pretty solid career before being made redundant, fell pregnant within 3 months of losing my job, making it extremely difficult if not impossible to secure anything employment wise. (Pregnant job seeker) so I just cleaned houses.

I suffered trauma during third trimester and first few months of DDs life due to emotional abuse and drug abuse by her father. I slept on various friends sofas etc before being offered something for myself and DD to live in.

I've had counselling for complex PTSD and I'm currently working with a doctor to find the right medication, as I have been on 3 different types of medication for low mood since 2016. I carry a lot of what happened with me to this day, as I never got to fully enjoy my baby. The baby euphoria was completely shattered by her selfish father.

Woman posts about not liking her child and saying how she doesn't want to be here anymore and people come along to validate her and say it's normal. Of course it's not normal. OP does need to speak with her GP and get some help.

@JudesBiggestFan

This thread is awful! I have three children, one of them still 4 and I genuinely can't imagine ever feeling that way about them. Of course there are tough times, days when you feel exhausted, but i don't think it's normal to feel the viciousness expressed by the OP. Let's remember there's a small and helpless child bearing the brunt of these emotions...let's not normalise that. OP...please think about how you can change your life, access more support and use more childcare. Be kind to yourself and your child. Life is not all sunshine and rainbows, sometimes it's tough and you have to dig deep. But I'm sorry, I can't join in the chorus of people saying it's ok to feel that way.

I agree with 100% and I'm surprised that so many people think what OP describes is normal.

This isn't me bashing the OP, who I feel very sorry for, but I don't think this level of antipathy and anger is healthy or normal. Yes I feel it sometimes but the way the OP expresses it, it seems to be just at the existence of her child.

We've been stuck in our homes for two years. Children have missed so much. We are experiencing price rises and wars. Life is just hard at the moment. You are not alone.

is this a reverse

I've just read your update. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, my heart goes out to you. I know how you feel about wanting to get back to yourself, I've still not been able to restart my career after kids, I wanted to try this year and then bam, I found out I am pregnant with number 3... oops.

You're only human and you've been through a lot, you deserve more than what you've experienced. Things will get better because your daughter will get older, she'll see what a star you are and all you've done for her and you will rediscover yourself. Don't feel bad about how you feel, being a mother is so fucking hard and we can't be expected to love every second of it no matter how grateful we are.

My 4yo has wound me up today. I'm not feeling great - tired and nauseous - and they've just been rude, whiny and demanding for large chunks of the day. Lots of refusing to do things, horsing around and making constant really annoying noise - sucking sounds and car screeching noises and everything that really presses my buttons. Topped off by being incredibly rude to the waitress when we went out for hot chocolate ... no thank you, bluntly demanded "Where's my marshmallows?" and said "That's not very many" when she was kind enough to fetch some . I couldn't believe it! Also, "I want a straw", "I want this", "I want that" . I really did just want to grab DC and drag them home.

It's difficult because they always seem to play up and become more whiny and needy when you're short on resources, but what they actually need is for you to calmly correct the behaviour and then to "love-bomb" them a bit to remove the need for the attention-seeking, rather than going nuclear on the bad behaviour. But I wasn't really up to that today and so it just got worse and worse.

@tolerable

is this a reverse

A reverse how? Written by the 4 year old?

Will wider family do an overnight for you? Can you speak honestly to your sister and would she support you?

It never ceases to amaze me how many people lack basic reading comprehension skills. This is a single mother, who presumably didn't expect she would be when she fell pregnant who has been let down by the father of her child. The drug taking father of her child. She got away from someone who abuses drugs, does that make sense to you? Read it again if you aren't following.

Men get to walk away from kids and people go "ah, that's a shame" but when women dare say anything other than "my kids are the air I breathe" she's villified? Talk about double standards. She's a human being with PTSD and depression, who's working with a doctor and a psychologist and the sum total of your empathy is "this isn't normal, see a doctor" - you need to look at yourselves because that borders on sociopathy.

I've just read your update. I'm sorry you have had such a tough time . It's not surprising you are running low on resources.

Op, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling so much. I can’t imagine what it’s like feeling this day in day out. It shouldn’t be like this.
Very sorry to hear your ex stole your “europhoric” baby days but your daughter is still tight there and she’ll continue to grow and change. You can start enjoying being with her by getting the help you need.
Wishing you all the best in accessing effective treatment. Look after yourself.

I don't think it's at all uncommon to feel this way at certain stages of parenthood. Especially if you are an introvert and your child is an extrovert. I didn't realise how much I need time to myself, doing nothing much - reading, etc., to recharge until I had kids. I am confident and sociable but it turns out that I am also very much an introvert. My eldest son, however, hated to be alone for even a few minutes, from very early days needed constant entertainment and from 18 months he never stopped talking! We were not a very compatible pair, and there were definitely times where I felt like you describe. However, he's now nearly 11 and he is so wonderful to spend time with and I love chatting to him - especially now he's at school a good percentage of the time!

For me, the reassuring part was the rush of love I felt when I looked at them sleeping. It sounds odd, perhaps, but I could be at my absolute wits end but as soon as my children fell asleep, it would mostly fall away, I'd resolve to be more patient the next day and it all felt manageable. Next day would be just as tough as the day before, but eventually things did get better. If there is a time (maybe not everyday, but sometimes) where you have that same feeling, try to focus on that as evidence that you are not a bad mother, you're just struggling right now. This too shall pass.

Yeah, some people think you must be mentally ill to actually say out loud that your disliking being a parent.

Or. To have such a deeply negative thought about your child is actually beyond what most parents would experience, even when they are going through the worst bits of parenting and actually that can be indicative that there is an element of depression making it harder than it should be. It’s normal to have periods where you think you can’t deal with this shit. If that becomes a prolonged period of time, it may well be more than the usual parenting woes.

OP, I hope you find the right medication soon and things get on more of an even keel.

@CaMePlaitPas

It never ceases to amaze me how many people lack basic reading comprehension skills. This is a single mother, who presumably didn't expect she would be when she fell pregnant who has been let down by the father of her child. The drug taking father of her child. She got away from someone who abuses drugs, does that make sense to you? Read it again if you aren't following.

Men get to walk away from kids and people go "ah, that's a shame" but when women dare say anything other than "my kids are the air I breathe" she's villified? Talk about double standards. She's a human being with PTSD and depression, who's working with a doctor and a psychologist and the sum total of your empathy is "this isn't normal, see a doctor" - you need to look at yourselves because that borders on sociopathy.

I suggested seeing the GP before the update but I'm not sure why you think there is anything wrong with that. I'm not qualified to do or say anything else but I can see a human here who has made a comment about not wanting to be here and for me that means speak to someone asap.

Being called a sociopath for suggesting a woman on the edge seeks help? I don't understand at all. I think maybe you disagree with some people on here but you are allowed to do that without calling them sociopaths