BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

@TheRealityCheque

Woooah. Just take a step back here everyone.

I've seen the phrases: peadophile, child abuse, and nonce used in this thread and yet nowhere in the OP does it say "indecent images OF CHILDREN"

Can the OP confirm what he's actually charged with as there's plenty of images of consenting adults (Hardcore BDSM for example) that can be illegal due to being "indecent". In fact there's plenty of things that it's perfectly legal for adults to do to each other that it's legal to own an image of (indecent).

Can we get clarification as to what the actual charge is here?

Sorry I wasn't explicit but unfortunately it is of children (under age of 16).

Thank you for being specific :)

Go to court and hear all the evidence. If your DH is reluctant - attending can be seen as part of this unconditional support for his brother. Hearing the evidence and seeing him convicted is step one towards understanding what his brother has done.

It will still be very hard for him to accept that his loved brother could have done these things. He is still allowed to love him - even if he hates these terrible crimes. Unconditional love is one thing; unconditional trust is something quite different.

Your DH putting his brother before his wife (and perhaps his own children) is odd. I know that you don't want to train the viper's gaze onto your DH - but at least consider that his behaviour towards his brother is not 'normal'. Keep that thought in your mind for now and just be alert in case it does mean danger to your children.

Divorce won't help keep your children from your BIL. Actually, as you seem to have spotted, it is likely to keep you from supervising their safety on the days when it is your DH's turn to have your children with him.

@BoredZelda

My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him

He has said this out loud, several times? That's weird. I'd be wondering what secret they share.

Older brother groomed the younger one. So BIL has groomed the OP's DH.

Trust your instincts. You know he's a predator. Stop worrying about hurting people's feelings and put your foot down. No contact at all and if your husband chooses his brother over his own family then he's a waste of space too.

I've read your OP and I'm pissed off at your blatant naivety and carelessness. If there was so much as a sniff of evidence against a relative, they would not see my child ever. Your children should come first and both you and your husband have failed them massively. You put your BIL's feelings and comfort before your children's safety.

Well, this is how paedophiles get access to children. Because they are the last person you would suspect to be a paedophile.
BIL has been accused of watching images of children being sexually abused. If he has done this, then he has enjoyed doing that. And by watching them he is creating a market for more children to be abused.

What a terrible situation for you OP. Personally, I have no respect for people who cannot put their kids before themselves, so if I were in that situation and my H put his brother before his own kids, the marriage would be over anyway.

I would wait for sentencing before making any decisions because you don’t know if your DH is going to have a change of heart when the reality kicks in.

In your shoes I wouldn’t leave because there is no way you can guarantee what your husband will allow when he has the children.

I’d rather be there, present at any family events or any opportunity where BIL might pop up. Than on the outside with no visibility to what’s happening in his contact time.

No court is going to stop a father having access because of a situation involving a family member if they don’t live with them. They may dictate that the brother isn’t allowed unsupervised contact but then you’ve got to trust ex and his family to enforce it….

Really tough situation, however there’s no real reason your BIL should ever have to have unsupervised contact? My kids don’t go to one persons house alone except their grannies.

Feel for you OP, it’s not black and white as some as suggesting. Either way you’re going to feel like you’re not protecting them as much as you want to

@RedWingBoots isn't the BIL the younger? That's how I understand it

Don't compromise - at all.

Tell him that you'll always err on the side of caution when it comes to protecting your children, and that you don't want this man near them ever again.

It's surely preferable to be wrong about that, and potential hurt an innocent man's feelings (though he should understand), than get it wrong and permit him the opportunity to harm your children.

Isn't what happens in court in the public domain - surely it's all documented. Ask the court- get access to it.

If dh has been following SS advice and agrees the children will never be h supervised around BIL I wouldn't leave him, if he starts to waver from that I would make it clear that the children would never be near BIL and if he disagrees you leave abs let him sue for access. Let him stand in court and say he's willing for a known paedophile to see his small children see how that goes.

Try and gather evidence Ie WhatsApp's in case it comes to that

DH needs to get his shit together if he’s not looking at the evidence and believing the courts. 🤯 he should be on your side 100% to protect his children!

Could your DH attend the sentencing hearing? And maybe you too. Judge should outline numbers of images and seriousness.

It’s a public hearing so BiL can’t prevent him.

Then he can’t pretend he ‘didn’t know’ and you can discuss together the way forward.

@Polyanthus2

Isn't what happens in court in the public domain - surely it's all documented. Ask the court- get access to it.

I guess it might not be publicly published if there are named victims or witnesses to protect their identity

@Googlecanthelpme

I would wait for sentencing before making any decisions because you don’t know if your DH is going to have a change of heart when the reality kicks in.

In your shoes I wouldn’t leave because there is no way you can guarantee what your husband will allow when he has the children.

I’d rather be there, present at any family events or any opportunity where BIL might pop up. Than on the outside with no visibility to what’s happening in his contact time.

No court is going to stop a father having access because of a situation involving a family member if they don’t live with them. They may dictate that the brother isn’t allowed unsupervised contact but then you’ve got to trust ex and his family to enforce it….

Really tough situation, however there’s no real reason your BIL should ever have to have unsupervised contact? My kids don’t go to one persons house alone except their grannies.

Feel for you OP, it’s not black and white as some as suggesting. Either way you’re going to feel like you’re not protecting them as much as you want to

And if they did separate and it came to light that her ex husband had permitted a convicted paedophile to have access to their children, I'm assuming she could then gain full custody?

There’s no way NO WAY those images of child sexual abuse ended up on his laptop by accident - if he didn’t download and pay for them then someone else did.
Men go to great lengths to seek out these images of children being raped and tortured and your BIL is one of these men.

Divorce won't help keep your children from your BIL. Actually, as you seem to have spotted, it is likely to keep you from supervising their safety on the days when it is your DH's turn to have your children with him

If the children are old enough to talk they will be able to say if they are seeing BIL alone. If that is the case SS and police can be informed by OP. I presume that H could end up losing unsupervised access to his own children if he allows this?.

Thanks for clarifying @LotinLife.

In that case I would agree, complete no contact. Ever.

I wouldn't divorce your DH, but would make it clear that his brother is no longer welcome anywhere that your kids are.

Speaking as a survivor of CSA by an uncle, who was my dad’s youngest brother, who my mum knew since he was a kid…
Your children may have already had uncomfortable experiences with this man that they can’t/don’t know how to tell you about.
They may never forgive you and your husband for putting them in a position to be abused. Abusers groom parents too, your husband needs support to research this and think clearly without his emotions and beliefs surrounding his brother clouding his mind.

Your first and foremost responsibility is to protect your children. If your husband puts his relationship with his brother above the safety of your children then you have to get a legal advice and go for sole custody with no visits. I'm sorry but the only people you have to be thinking about are your children. Not your BIL, your husband of even yourself. YOUR CHILDREN.

Never mind what posters are thinking - SS will be thinking similar when they find out the older brother of a convicted paedophile is seeking to enforce his brother's access to the children - and apparently threatening divorce if you won't comply.

Why exactly are the men of that family quite so keen upon this access continuing? Why does the older brother speak of his sibling in terms that are more akin to romantic poetry (or Greek/Roman stuff about the love between an older and younger male)?

Many, many convicted paedophiles will say that they also experienced it as a child - very often within the family.

It doesn't matter if you put your fingers in your ears and shout 'la, la, la, I can't hear you' about your husband or FIL - it's what you did about the BIL originally, after all. Social Services will be putting your children's safety first.

Which could mean if you don't step up for them, that you are without them altogether.

You and your DH should be at the sentencing as a matter of priority. Your DH can't sugar soap the facts.

The dynamic between your DH and brother is off key. He's been convicted. Your kids safety should be the number one priority.

So is he charged and pleaded guilty and is awaiting sentence? Is that correct?

The only story your husband needs to believe is the factual court one. You can call the court for court results after the event. He will likely be out on the sex offenders register which means he won’t be allowed unsupervised contact.

I’d have nothing more to do with him, wouldn’t let my children near him, and your husband should do the same. I can’t see how getting divorced is going to help keep your children safe.

It might just be me but I cannot see what the OP is struggling with, Its a parents duty to protect their children, Its a no brainer..wouldnt even have to think about it. If her husband won't then she has to. Childrens safety first every time above and beyond everything.