BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

How rude! I was wondering if the DH had any previous knowledge of his brothers interests and if he did I imagine he would be unlikely to allow him to babysit!

Woooah. Just take a step back here everyone.

I've seen the phrases: peadophile, child abuse, and nonce used in this thread and yet nowhere in the OP does it say "indecent images OF CHILDREN"

Can the OP confirm what he's actually charged with as there's plenty of images of consenting adults (Hardcore BDSM for example) that can be illegal due to being "indecent". In fact there's plenty of things that it's perfectly legal for adults to do to each other that it's legal to own an image of (indecent).

Can we get clarification as to what the actual charge is here?

@TheRealityCheque

Woooah. Just take a step back here everyone.

I've seen the phrases: peadophile, child abuse, and nonce used in this thread and yet nowhere in the OP does it say "indecent images OF CHILDREN"

Can the OP confirm what he's actually charged with as there's plenty of images of consenting adults (Hardcore BDSM for example) that can be illegal due to being "indecent". In fact there's plenty of things that it's perfectly legal for adults to do to each other that it's legal to own an image of (indecent).

Can we get clarification as to what the actual charge is here?

He wouldn't be charged with possession of legal images

Ok sorry read your post wrong but surely it's obvious from op's context that they are images of children?

It's pretty clear, isn't it? Or why would OP worry for her children as per the first post?

@TheRealityCheque

Woooah. Just take a step back here everyone.

I've seen the phrases: peadophile, child abuse, and nonce used in this thread and yet nowhere in the OP does it say "indecent images OF CHILDREN"

Can the OP confirm what he's actually charged with as there's plenty of images of consenting adults (Hardcore BDSM for example) that can be illegal due to being "indecent". In fact there's plenty of things that it's perfectly legal for adults to do to each other that it's legal to own an image of (indecent).

Can we get clarification as to what the actual charge is here?

She's concerned he'll groom her children. That suggests child abuse.

Social services said no unsupervised contact with her children. That suggests child abuse.

BIL said they were mixed in with thousands of 'normal' images - and he's being charged with possession. That means they're not porn. They're either sexual assault of children or animals.

@TheRealityCheque

Woooah. Just take a step back here everyone.

I've seen the phrases: peadophile, child abuse, and nonce used in this thread and yet nowhere in the OP does it say "indecent images OF CHILDREN"

Can the OP confirm what he's actually charged with as there's plenty of images of consenting adults (Hardcore BDSM for example) that can be illegal due to being "indecent". In fact there's plenty of things that it's perfectly legal for adults to do to each other that it's legal to own an image of (indecent).

Can we get clarification as to what the actual charge is here?

SS said he mustn't be allowed around their children unsupervised. It's quite obvious what the nature of the indecent images was.

Please have stated that I can go to the hearing.
Unfortunately that isn't possible (due to travel). Would there be a way to get the transcript of said hearing? Do I simply ask the court/police?

You want social services to put rules around your children but that's your job.

Agree.

@LotinLife

Please have stated that I can go to the hearing. Unfortunately that isn't possible (due to travel). Would there be a way to get the transcript of said hearing? Do I simply ask the court/police?

Oh dear, typo..

I mean "People have suggested"

I would go to any court hearing/sentencing/proceedings etc that I could and I would drag my DH there too. I would want to hear the evidence and charges for myself, from the professionals involved. I would also try and get the in laws to do all of that too, even if I had to obfuscate a little and say we should go to ‘support’ bil.

Then you and DH will know the cold hard facts. It would be much more difficult to dismiss and tone down any information that came in this manner.

Is BIL pleading guilty and are there multiple charges?

If I remember correctly, when files are 'inaccessible' in cases like this, it usually means that they've been viewed or watched online (rather than downloaded and saved) and automatically stored in the computer's temporary internet file cache. If this was only one or two images, and the children in the images appeared to be in, say, their mid-teens, it might be possible that your BIL had stumbled across them while looking at ordinary adult porn.

But there is absolutely no way in a million years that someone has a file cache of THOUSANDS of child abuse images unless they have actively searched for them and looked at them. That's why the case made it to court. It's not a case the CPS would have proceeded with if they didn't think there was a strong chance of conviction.

You also need to ask your DH why he thinks the police seized your BIL's computer in the first place. They don't seize someone's hard drive because they were glancing at a video with 'teen' in the title on PornHub. They seize a hard drive either because they've traced his IP address or bank details to child abuse websites, or because someone has raised a related suspicion about them to which a cache of child abuse images might be relevant.

Has your BIL been convicted and is just awaiting sentencing? Or are you waiting on a verdict?

The advice to contact the Lucy Faithful foundation is excellent.

This is field I have worked in for a long time and family denial is actually very common.
It isn't that surprising, what are the benefits of believing strangers over your loved family member?

But child sex offenders minimize and deny to themselves and everyone else.
They are profoundly unsafe and a risk to all children.

If your DH wishes to continue a relationship with his DB he needs to do it on an individual basis outside of your family home.

Depending on the stance of the wider family your dc may need to be kept away from wider family events as DB may well still be included.

You are more likely to have control over this if you are still married.

Sorry, cross post… i would take unpaid leave from work and go to the hearing..I think its crucial

I wouldn’t be willing to take a chance that I’d have to hand my dc over to someone who might not keep them safe, so for that reason, at this point I would be staying married.

Having read some of the stories about custody on here I would have zero faith in the courts.

I also think that this may yet resolve itself. Your dh may feel very differently when the case is final. His starting point is different to yours and he might just need a bit more time.

But in the meantime, and perhaps for a longtime, you’re going to have to take the lead on safeguarding.

I’d suggest getting yourself and DH along to court for the sentence hearing if at all possible. The prosecution will set out the case against him and the defence will put his side forward. Then the judge will pass sentence based on all the facts, which have been thoroughly scrutinised by both sides.

That’s your best way of getting to the truth and learning how to protect your children. A large part of that needs to be opening DH eyes - the rest will come in the form of a court order

I read on thread on here, I while back, that has stayed with me ( never did find out how the situation had ended)

A poster had a BIL that confused her..he was good looking, had a good job and care, but chose to live with his mother and didn't seem to have a girlfriend. She thought he might be gay but never got that ' vibe'.

It wasn't until she had two small children, that the awful truth starting dawning on her. He created the most ridiculous situations to be alone with her children, get them naked etc . She insisted to her husband that her BIL should never be with her children..only for her DH to change into someone she didn't know, who massively defended his DB. It was then that the OP realised that both her DH and MIL knew that BIL was probably a paedophile, and chose to ignore it.

The dilema, like yours OP, was that if she ran with her children, which is what she wanted to do, she couldn't guarantee that DH would protect her kids from BIL when he had them. If she stayed, she would have to be around people that now turned her stomach.

I hope that SS can offer you the assurance and advice you need. Your fear is unfortunately quite legitimate, but if your DH turns out to be paedophile defender and protector, and exposes your DC's to one just because the offender is his brother..then what guarantees can you have about your DH?

SS's are the key here, as is the court judgement.

@girlmom21, that may be the case, in which he does indeed need to be kept away.

However, whether you like it or not, there are images legally labelled as indecent that do not involve animals or children, such as the example of already given.

SS could give the advice about children for anyone on the sex offenders register, regardless of what they did.

@LotinLife

Please have stated that I can go to the hearing. Unfortunately that isn't possible (due to travel). Would there be a way to get the transcript of said hearing? Do I simply ask the court/police?

Does your BIL not live near you? How far away is the court? You really, really need to be there with your husband.

I personally would have nothing to do with such a disgusting man.

Our neighbours brother was caught with child images too apparently as young as babies.

His wife stayed with him with there kids until she caught him with his 4 year old daughter. She left him but he ended up in jail anyway but she did always say she regretted letting him stay long enough to scar her daughter.

I felt sickened at the whole thing

[quote TheRealityCheque]@girlmom21, that may be the case, in which he does indeed need to be kept away.

However, whether you like it or not, there are images legally labelled as indecent that do not involve animals or children, such as the example of already given.

SS could give the advice about children for anyone on the sex offenders register, regardless of what they did.[/quote]
I'm not really sure why the "whether you like it or not" is in there... bit strange to make a comment like that about a situation like this.

He's not on the sex offenders register.

If you can't read OP's posts and understand the kind of images involved here that's an issue on your part.

My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him

He has said this out loud, several times? That's weird. I'd be wondering what secret they share.

Having read all the posts but he is a child sex offender and he WILL reoffend. They all do. Can’t be cured. Will manipulate and lie and lie and lie. Your husband needs to wake up. No contact AT ALL with kids. Even if he isn’t touching them god knows what he is thinking about.

This is horrible. So sorry about your situation.

If your marriage to your husband is fine (other than the issues with BIL) then i don't see why it needs to be divorce, unless of course DH after faced with the realisation that his brother will go to jail/ be on the register still feels fine about your kids seeing him. I think if its as bad as a it seems, he will be prevented legally from seeing any kids anyway, including yours. As others have said, I think your husband needs to hear the details from someone other than his brother to then have it sink in.

Unrelated, but I was in a relationship with a man who was very manipulative, convinced people of all sorts when I broke up with him because I finally realised I had been in an abusive relationship. Years later I heard some inappropriate stories about him and former pupils of his etc. Grossed me out but made total sense in hindsight that he was a creep. Your husband may look back and see signs later on but for now he might be in shock.