BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

@Coldilox

I’m a detective and have dealt with so many cases of indecent images.

Do not allow this man access to your children.

Sorry to do this but can I please ask - Who do I contact if I know for a fact that a known paedophile is being given unsupervised access to his grandchildren? (Just found this out a few mins ago) Do I call police or do I call Social Services? Or both?

Ah I see - unless you go for sole custody, of course.

@girlmom21

You need to know why your husband has such loyalty to him. Why he's still allowing him around your children when he knows his brother is a paedophile.

I completely understand you believing him the first time - if his story was plausible. But now you know it was a lie. So you can assume everything else he tells you is a lie.

@girlmom21 - the brothers could have such loyalty because they were both abused (sexually) at different stages within their lives (given the age gap) - this could be family or an external person like within a school, Scouts/cubs, neighbour etc.

That would certainly explain the loyalty and closeness and OP's DH of course isn't going to admit to sexual abuse easily, most men I know (and women) don't.

I don’t now why you’re talking about supervised access. He’s not their dad, he’s their uncle who’s going to be sentenced. Of course he never sees them again. You ask SS for their help and he doesn’t see them ever

@Gonnagetgoing I'm starting to agree but I'm hoping leaving it as an open consideration will be easier for OP to mull over because she (understandably) got very defensive of similar suggestions previously

"Inaccessible" in this case may mean several things.

It could be like you suggest, that they've been deleted but there are still traces on the hard drive that can be recovered. (Generally if you delete something it is still there until the space on the hard drive is overwritten, depending on the type of hard drive it may need to be overwritten multiple times before it can no longer be recovered by specialists.)

It could also be related to the fact that as you visit webpages they are cached on your device. If you visited a page with a porn gallery on, for example, you might there to look at regular legal porn but you have no control over the thumbnail images for other - potentially illegal - categories of porn that may be displayed, neither can you control adverts. However almost all common browsers will gather this information by default. Every now and then you might delete your history and clear your cache, but the files - that you never deliberately chose to access - will remain recoverable by specialists, potentially for a long time.

It could also mean he'd downloaded some encrypted files which contained illegal material. Deliberately downloaded them or not, downloaded knowing what was in them or not. These may not be accessible to him but again could potentially be recovered by experts.

You need to see what happens in court to be honest, in the meantime it's better to err on the side of caution. Realistically no uncle needs unsupervised access to their nephew or niece anyway.

I expect this thread will get deleted soon, but yes it does seem possible there's a shared trauma bond OP doesn't know about which explains the unusual degree of closeness between the brothers here

@Iputthetrampintrampoline

It might just be me but I cannot see what the OP is struggling with, Its a parents duty to protect their children, Its a no brainer..wouldnt even have to think about it. If her husband won't then she has to. Childrens safety first every time above and beyond everything.

@Iputthetrampintrampoline if you read the thread, you will see that OP thinks that even leaving her marriage wouldn't keep her DC away from BIL because she probably wouldn't get sole custody and she wouldn't be able to control whether DH allowed BIL to be around them

It's not just a game of point out the bad man, that bit is quite obvious

@GrendelsGrandma

So leave, and contact a lawyer, social services and the police informing them that her ex husband intends to give a convicted paedophile access to their children.

Please keep your kids away from this man.
The fact he’s been charged with child porn, social services have you on their radar and supervised visits have been mentioned should be enough to tell you your kids are in danger.
He’s clearly been around them a lot do you know what’s running through his mind when he looks at them?
They’ll find out one day what he is and they’ll never forgive you if you allow him anywhere near them, supervised or not.
I’ve seen whole families having to move away because they’ve carried on associating with a sex offender in the family. People in communities tend to dish out their own kind of justice.
Sorry you’re in this position but for me it’s a no brainier. I’d be off with my kids if my husband even hesitated in keeping him away.

If this has only recently come to light then your DH will need time to process. It may not suit the posters on here but it's a natural response to be in denial and as long as he does not give BIL any access to your DCs (supervised or unsupervised) then you can allow him some space to realise BIL is not who he thought he was. It's a very difficult adjustment.

You need to stay firm. It may be difficult but ultimately you are the last line of defence for your DCs and although you can be sympathetic to how shocking this is for your DH, that sympathy can't cloud your boundaries.

You can call the court and ask if a transcript will be available. It's likely that it won't be. If not then it would be worth taking the time off to attend court.

You're dealing with the immediate issue of safeguarding your DC. But, if BIL is charged it may be in the media. Other parents (eg of your DCs' friends) might see it and pull back from your family. Your ILs house may be targeted. These cases can have massive repercussions. You need to be prepared for them and your DH needs to understand that he can't waver on keeping BIL away from your home and DCs.
Remember to block your BIL from your social media and delete any photos of him from your social media (if you have any).
I'm sorry you're going through this.

In this situation I'd be saying: DH, BIL is a convicted sex offender and SS say he's a risk to our kids, do you agree he should not see them?

If DH quibbles at this then I'd be trying to get him to counselling - paedophiles are manipulative people, DH sounds in thrall to BIL as well

I'd be making a paper trail asking DH to look at outside sources about paedophile risk, to make him wake up

I'd also move hell and high water to get myself and DH to the sentencing trial to help break his denial - if you really can't get there then would a law firm near the sentencing court be able to send along a junior to make notes for you, for a small fee?

I'd be making sure that both you and your husband attend the court and hear everything first hand there and then

Many years back a young girl (at the time) came forward with current sexual abuse disclosure that was being investigated. Myself and my siblings were spoken to with the police about our relationships and experiences with this person, shortly after I disclosed my own long historical sexual abuse by this person and the case began to build over two years before going ahead of a jury. During this time, his workplace (a large warehouse) had found a computer suspiciously hidden between two temporarily built walls and being aware of the investigation, the boss handed over to the police. And on this, was thousands of all category indecent images. These were also checked to see if i appeared in any. On the first day of trial he changed his plea to guilty and is now serving a long sentence. However, the girl that came forward about her abuse she experienced, due to a plea deal her experiences were not shared in a court because it was thought her evidence may weaker the case. My point is, prepare for more to come out, there would have been a reason his computer was being checked. A computer is a reliable witness in court, and could take a lead in a case if other witnesses are seemed weaker.

Like many, I’m so very aware of the consequences of sexual abuse, from my own trauma but as a foster carer it is a part of our lives and soo frightening how common it is and how manipulative a groomer can be. It is my worst nightmare to think of any peadophille gaining access too my children,
Possibly read some experiences and get very angry about it. Get passionate about protecting your children from predators at whatever cost.
The way you describe your DH and BIL relationship is suspicious to me, but I have a suspicious mind.
I hope your children have not had any negative experiences from BIL to date, but this may be a blessing in a disguise for you and your children as predators don’t go round with a label on there forehead, but you have been given a warning. Do not waste it. There are so many people out there that would do anything to have been given a warning like you have.

@implantreplace

Op

Every minute that passes with you on this thread
Is a minute that I would be using in your shoes to plan the divorce of my husband

How would that help? Her husband would have access to the children, and be less likely to follow OP's rules. OP will have far more control of it if she stays put.

Sorry you're in this situation OP. How awful for you. I can only imagine how torn you feel.

Is your BIL your DHs brother? Or his sisters DH?

[quote Yeahthat]@GrendelsGrandma

So leave, and contact a lawyer, social services and the police informing them that her ex husband intends to give a convicted paedophile access to their children.[/quote]
Currently he's allowed supervised access. Maybe that will still be the case post-sentencing, who knows?

It sounds clear cut but social services would want evidence, ex-DH might just deny it, OP would still be sending her kids off to ex-DH believing they might not be safe

Besides which, OP doesn't want to break up her marriage

Surely there is not a court in the land that would disagree with OP needing to protect her children should a conviction follow?

@girlmom21

Social services don't tell you to stop contact for no reason. Stop allowing a known paedophile any kind of contact with your child.

They're you're priority.

Tell your DH there's no more contact or he needs to leave and you'll take him to court in order to keep the children safe. It's that simple.

Sorry.

I agree. You have the SS advice in your corner as it were, even prior to conviction. IF he is convicted it is out of your hands (& your H's) anyway. If not, I'd then get legal advice / contact the Police / SS for clarity. Meantime, tell your H that there is to be no contact or you risk SS removing the children. If it comes down to your H or them there is no choice but them.

Has he been convicted/found guilty?
When is his sentencing?

How intelligent and sympathetic is FIL? How close are you? Does it seem like he and MIL are less brainwashed than DH? If so I might have a chat with them about DH’s perspective and for their advice on how to tackle it.

The other option is to go to relationship counselling to deal with the issue that DH won’t face. He can think what he likes about his brother as long as he accepts they can’t have unsupervised access to your kids. So he does need to come to terms with reality.

@Magdalena543

I can't answer your questions, but what an awful situation to be in. Funny isn't it how all of these men found with child abuse images don't know how they got onto their computer, they were hacked, they were researching a book?

He's a paedophile, pure and simple, and your children will always be at risk around him. Those who pay for child abuse images create the market for it, so he's as vile as those who produce it. I imagine he'll be put on the sex offenders register for a few years.

I would leave my husband if he didn't agree with me to keep my children safe from a paedophile, and I would move heaven and earth to make sure they had no contact with my children.

Do not let your husband and his family minimise this. Your children's safety is the most important thing.

This. This says it perfectly.

I can’t imagine your upset - this would be a horrendous situation without your husband taking the ostrich approach, but love of your life or not, your children must come first. If he can’t do that then I think you’d have the full backing of SS Cafcass and the courts to restrict access to BIL and anyone who might create access to him.

You’re in for a battle op. I don’t envy you. You have my sympathies.

I think you dc not having contact with a paedophile has to be a non-negotiabke of your relationship. This is not a far-out stance!

If your dh cannot agree with this then I think you need to see a lawyer about what legal steps you can take to restrict access, and I woukd decline unsupervised contact without assurance their father will not allow contact with a paedophile.

This must be very painful if you love your dh - but if you focus on the way he is totally discounting the safety of your dc does that not effect what you feel for him. Embrace your anger! I doubt you would consider accepting a situation where he was putting your dc in regular significant risk in any other way.

Love can also be equal but very different between a wife and a sibling (from husband perspective)

But what about his love for his kids? I do see that the sibling bond is strong, and I get what you're saying about that v his relationship with you. But for many people, love for their children trumps everything. DH and I would throw each other - and siblings - under the bus to save the DC. Would he put his brother ahead of the risk of losing his own kids?

Where are your PIL in all this? Do you think there could be a history of abuse? I'm not suggesting all abusers were abused but what happened in my family raised some historic issues that wouldn't have come to light otherwise.