BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

What put the police onto him in the first place? I'm sure they don't randomly take people's pcs and check them- what has he done ? Did someone report him?

I'm not sure I can understand why you have allowed contact to continue, supervised or not, I just can't get my head around that.

Your first priority should be you children - forget what SS say about having supervised visits with the BIL and your kids. They've already messed up by not telling you earlier about the images. Like a PP said, abuse can still go on with the parents in the same room, also - what if there was some emergency on one of these visits and you had to leave urgently? What may happen if you go to the bathroom for just one minute?

Your husband needs to have a hard look at himself and this creepy relationship he has with his DB.

@purpleboy

I'm not sure I can understand why you have allowed contact to continue, supervised or not, I just can't get my head around that.

It’s a very hard situation to deal with within the family, but I have to agree with the above.

Your job is to protect your children from harm as it is their dad's job. Your BIL would not have been charged if it was only a couple of photos. He would have got a caution and a watch put on his computer. He is a dangerous man. Your DH can still love and support his DB, but the man doesn't get access to your children even in supervised visits. DH sees BIL away from the family home at all times. You break off contact so there is never the temptation to invite him in for a quick cuppa. If you do less for your children, you are a bad mother. Safeguarding your children needs to be the first consideration.

@SarahBellam

I would lay down my boundaries here. IF, you DH wants to continue to see his brother then he sees him outside the home. He does not bring him or invite him to your home and he is to stay away from you and your children. I would be worried about divorce because it means that half the week, more or less, you would have no say where they are or who they’re with.

Not if the reason behind the separation was that the children father was incapable / not interested in upholding their safety and protection from a registered sex offender.

OP you may well love your husband. That’s not the issue. The issue is whether your trust and respect for him can withstand such dubious thinking if it does in fact come to imperil your children.

I don’t think there is any dilemma here. Your husband has to eradicate this predator from your lives. That should be the starting point not the end goal. Often family situations are nuanced and fraught with emotion. Not this one.

I’m afraid I’m another one who on reading the OP immediately jumped to sinister thoughts re DH and BIL.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if there was some sort of abnormal, maybe abusive dynamic there.

I would divorce but not before engaging with police, SS etc to get full custody and ensure BIL is no where near them.

Consider strongly what has happened to your bil in his early life to give him this vile propensity.

Consider why your husband is v v close to his brother and from what you have said why has he not shown his utter disgust?

Of course the perpetrator has minimised his actions

And well done to Fil for sharing more details and truth about the actual charges

I’m afraid I couldn’t be in the same room as someone who was facing such a charge and I certainly wouldn’t let my children be anywhere near them

If this was my own son I would be absolutely just as disgusted and probably couldn’t have a relationship with them.

@bunfighters

This happened in my family. We were drip fed very plausible reasons why the photos were there etc. Parents in denial etc. etc.

When we read the transcripts of the court case we realised that we had all been lied to and that he had already moved on from photos to actual abuse. Parents are still in denial as they just can't allow themselves to believe it is true of their son and are very attached to their standing in society etc. They have clearly put their needs above the children in the wider family and the person in question may have been abused themselves, another failure of his parents.

Your broader family unit has already been destroyed as well as your marriage if your husband can't put the protection of your children first, You need to concentrate on making sure the next generation are safe.

Go no contact and yes get legal advice now about how you go about protecting your children if you divorce. Try and get counselling for you and your husband so that an independent person can try and support you and make your husband understands the very, very serious risk to your children.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I've come across this several times too. It's quite shocking how the standing of the wider family unit, and the need to keep up the pretence, is prioritised over the safeguarding of individual children. The minimising that goes on, even to the extent of blaming the children, is really quite devastating to hear.

Please don't listen to anyone who wants to prioritise an abuser over your children (people who watch and distribute these images perpetuate the abuse, so are themselves abusers even if they haven't yet physically touched a child).

Can't the police or SS explain to you about the actual content of the case/ charges? I would explain what BIL is telling you and that you're trying to risk assess and need to know if he looked at the images or not.

@Mirw

Your job is to protect your children from harm as it is their dad's job. Your BIL would not have been charged if it was only a couple of photos. He would have got a caution and a watch put on his computer. He is a dangerous man. Your DH can still love and support his DB, but the man doesn't get access to your children even in supervised visits. DH sees BIL away from the family home at all times. You break off contact so there is never the temptation to invite him in for a quick cuppa. If you do less for your children, you are a bad mother. Safeguarding your children needs to be the first consideration.

If my husband could love and support his brother after he had done this then our marriage would be over.

We are talking about child abuse. Not infidelity, gambling or alcohol addiction.

Op

Has Bil ever offered to babysit? If so what did your dh say at the time

He didn't [tell] me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed.

The FiL sounds dodgy as fuck as well.

Op if found guilty this will be taken out
if your hands. It will be court ordered. If you split up you can fight this in court and win.
Make sure you have an audit trail of you ensuring you have protected your children.

@Quitelikeit

Op

Has Bil ever offered to babysit? If so what did your dh say at the time

Do you really think that's an appropriate question to ask of a woman who is probably bedevilled by so many fucking 'what if's' at the moment?

This is her real life, not some thrilling little tale for your titillation.

@NewtoHolland

Can't the police or SS explain to you about the actual content of the case/ charges? I would explain what BIL is telling you and that you're trying to risk assess and need to know if he looked at the images or not.

Well, quite. The normal thing would be to ask social services and the police for information and help to enable optimal safeguarding.

@Aquamarine1029

Your husband is in very, very deep denial. I'd be shattering those rose-coloured glasses of his. Your childrens' safety depends on it.

Couldn't agree more.

Those kinds of images (hundreds, was it?) are not downloaded by accident. Your BIL is gross and should not be near children, and your DH needs to decide pretty damn quick where his loyalties are.

OP apologies if I’ve got this wrong.
Your BIL has been investigated by police, charged with (at least) possession of indecent images of children, has been convicted and just now awaits sentencing?
Asking because you specifically say he hasn’t been sentenced yet - which suggests that he has been convicted.
So a trial has taken place or did he plead guilty?
Is it the case that he’s admitted the offence (pleading guilty) but is telling people outside the court/family that it was only two images?
If your FIL has the full charge sheet you will be able to know precisely what those charges are.
Why are you not asking direct questions of a) FIL and b) DH?
You refer to your suspicions but I don’t understand what suspicions you could have (either way) if he’s been charged and convicted..?
And why are you not having a frank conversation with your DH?
To yo from what you say is a desire to support BIL through the investigation to wanting to divorce your DH your responses seem off - do you not talk about the very serious ramifications for your family?

@redambergreengo

Why shouldn't I suggest it? You need to open your eyes. Your husband refuses to believe his brother is guilty. You need to be open minded. He's putting his feelings about his brother before the most precious and important things in his life. Maybe they're both as bad as each other but only BIL been caught.

Let's focus on what I'm asking. Not to go on a witch hunt with no evidence regarding DH. Allow me to explore what can be done about BIL in my current situation. Thanks.

Hi OP, NC for this. I have a cousin who was found guilty and served time in prison for possession of indecent images and trying to set up a meeting with a child. I didn't know about it at all until he was found guilty but his mum and siblings believed similar things to you and DH. They clung to the idea that he'd been hacked, downloaded the wrong thing, it was already on the device he'd bought second hand etc etc etc. It was all BS, he was completely guilty.

He clung to the alternative narratives as long as he possibly could. Obviously the whole family were devastated when it came to light (it was front page news in the local paper). None of his immediate family had young DC so I can see why they gave him the benefit of the doubt, it's just so hard to imagine that some-one you love could do this and could lie so blatantly about it to their face. I think if you do have DC then you have to completely err on the side of caution though, there's nothing to say DH can't still see DB but I don't think you and DC should have to have any kind of relationship or contact with him. You DH needs a major shift in mindset here and I don't know how that happens. As PP have said, is there a family liaison officer or some-one from social services who could help here? If he is found guilty then that might be the jolt DH needs to realise what his brother is.

Well I wouldn’t allow a paedophile anyway near my children regardless of who he was, my children’s safety is paramount! I think your DH needs a reality check

You need to know why your husband has such loyalty to him. Why he's still allowing him around your children when he knows his brother is a paedophile.

I completely understand you believing him the first time - if his story was plausible. But now you know it was a lie. So you can assume everything else he tells you is a lie.

OP you haven't responded to people asking whether your husband is refusing to accept his brothers conviction? Is he? Does he think he's innocent?

As a social worker can I say I have heard this there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together more times than I can tell you and it's never true
You want social services to put rules around your children but that's your job. I'm afraid they won't be much further involved if you are protecting your kids unless that stops and someone tells them.

And also what do you mean by his sentence being up/lifted as per the OP? Has he been sentenced and is appealing the sentence - you also refer to his “final sentencing “ which suggests he has been charged, convicted and sentenced…