BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

well this was my line of work for a long time so.....

what is it with mumsnet that if you don't automatically leap to a conclusion based on hearsay then you are wrong ?
at no point have I justified a paedophile

IF he is convicted of indecent images of children he would not be allowed unsupervised access to your children, anyway so its a moot point

Tbh I would seek legal advice here. When a close family member was found guilty of actual csa my exh had him in his house with my dc-in their bedrooms playing xbox. . I rang nspcc and they told me it was probably nice for the dc to catch up with the relative! Told my solicitor and exh told him the dc had lied...
Your dh has a skewered view of things imo.

Sorry you're in such an awful situation OP. You need to take what ss say seriously. It may get to a point that they ask that your children have ZERO contact with your kids including any supervised contact or images especially if he's convicted. You need to do what they're asking as any breach of their contract with you can and will trigger child protection processes. Similar happened in our family and worse still my child is adopted and we were in the placement phase (kindof like a probabtion period before the adoption order is granted) This was obviously much more sensitive but we were asked to allow literally no contact between our AD and the perpitrator including photos/letters. We had no hesitation at all as we knew our child came first and hated the POS anyway weren't that close to him. If your partner is close to his brother then this does make it harder but personally I wouldn't be allowing any contact between this man and your children. The brothers can maintain contact if they wish but I wouldn't accept the risk for my kids. Remember that a vast majority of child abuse and even murder comes from people the child knew and trusted. And please please listen to ss and demonstrate that you understand and are mitigating the risk. This just isn't even worth the possibility of losing your kids.... good luck xx

@CantStandMeCow

Jesus Christ can we stop calling OPs brother a pedophile. What a bloody leap!

But you need to go into this with your eyes open, OP. And I wouldn’t ever let me children near that man again, nor any social media.

He likes looking at indecent images of children. He’s a paedophile.

Oh OP, this is shit. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
I think you AND your DH need to go to the sentencing. Get someone you trust to look after the children. Maybe your mum? Or your sister? You need to hear the truth about what evidence was found.
I think you also need independent advice from someone with professional experience. The police or SS or perhaps a psychologist. Police or SS might be better because they may have access to the details of the case. I think in your case it might help to have a session alone and another with your DH. You need to be able to discuss your fears and worries without having to temper or minimize them because your DH is there. You also need your DH to hear some advice from a third party.
Depending on the ages of your kids you can start making them less vulnerable by teaching them that they are in charge of their own body. The ´pants song’ from the NSPCC is good for preschoolers and 5-6 year olds. This step is important whether or not your kids have any continued supervised contact with your BIL. Unfortunately your BIL is not the only threat out there…

@Shell4429 Yeah I’ve covered that. I meant DH.

I think leaving your H is likely to put your kids at greater risk. But what a horrible situation to be in, OP. I'm so sorry.

You must protect your kids and that means not letting BIL have any contact with them, supervised or otherwise, online, by text or anything else. But if your H doesn't agree to this, then I think you have to consider that he's the one putting them at risk.

I agree that it's weird he prioritises his brother over his children. I would be wondering, too.

"IF he is convicted of indecent images of children"

Are you sure you worked in this field? He is awaiting sentencing. He has been convicted.

Oh and PS from my experience families are really odd about this kindof thing and will completely bury their heads in the sand and gaslight you if you dare to put your child first. Don't be dragged down by them. Be firm and be your child's advocate as chances are nobody else will xx

IMHO - stay in the marriage and you will have much more control and say if your BIL sees your kids. Otherwise you will only be able to protect them when they are with you.

Give your husband some time. It will have been a shock to him and he needs to come to terms with it but it will not happen overnight. You all just need to establish a new normal which involves your BIL not having contact with your kids.

@CantStandMeCow Apologies, my bad.

If this was me I’d be gone tomorrow, no way would I stay with a man who was happy to stand by someone who was charged with such a crime and was happy to put his children at risk tbh, not a hope in hell…

@Shell4429 No I’d pull me up on that too. No denying what he is.

@maddy68

well this was my line of work for a long time so.....

what is it with mumsnet that if you don't automatically leap to a conclusion based on hearsay then you are wrong ?
at no point have I justified a paedophile

IF he is convicted of indecent images of children he would not be allowed unsupervised access to your children, anyway so its a moot point

He's awaiting sentencing. So he has been convicted.

@isthatanotherbastardgrey

I'm going to stop weighing in on this because it's winding me up thinking about it, but one last thing I will add...

My DSDs had two abusers - their mum and their mums boyfriend. Both are now in prison. However, many members of their mums family have buried their heads in the sand about her crimes, and are still denying what she's done (despite hearing frankly vile evidence from police/social services and being questioned about her involvement with their own children!)

My DSDs have been not only spectacularly shat on my their mother, but also by their grandparents, aunt and uncle who have chosen to support their abuser, rather than the girls.

Whilst you're fortunate that your children haven't been harmed, why would your or your DH want to put yourself in the situation where one day your DC could turn round and say 'mum, dad, why did you put uncle X before me?'

Believe me, that's a horrendous thought process to watch a child go through.

We don't know they havnt been harmed ! They could have been

Are you actually still allowing supervised contact with BIL?

I'm not sure that you could continue to live with DH if he continues to minimise this..............

I'd talk to a specialist solicitor and social services. Make sure that they're aware that your only instinct is to protect your DC. And that DH may put them at risk, because that's a real possibility if BIL isn't given a custodial sentence.

I’m another who wouldn’t be able to stomach living with a paedophile sympathiser, just what does your DH think he’s doing?
You’ll never be able to trust your BIL even if visits or accidental meetings occurred, let alone trust your DH to adequately protect your children.
I knew someone who’s ex DH was convicted, not imprisoned and he went on to abuse his DGCs. Then he was jailed but the damage was utterly sickening.
I cannot understand anyone who doesn’t condemn a convicted paedophile.

Just some points:-
The court won't share any sentencing transcript.
The police won't share anything unless it's absolutely, absolutely necessary.
SS only get involved if it's properly serious.
Your bil will be massively down playing. Massively.
Your pil and dh will be in shock and denial and likely minimising.
If it is reported in the press then be prepared for awful and widespread fallout.
Those outside the immediate family who may initially be supportive won't be able to continue to be supportive especially when it comes out. Especially if the family are seen as supportive.
Be prepared for huge emotional feelings and turmoil.
I think you are right to consider what happens after punishment. That will be the tricky time really. I think you have to be hard as nails. No access what so ever supervised or not - it only takes a few seconds for abuse to happen, photos to be taken etc, bil is not allowed in your home, consider if you can trust pil if they look after dc not to allow bil access under any circumstances - including refusing him entry to their home if your dc are there, do not attend events bil is attending, do not allow DC to either. This has to be a red line. You might need many red lines. Your dh may want to continue the relationship but he shouldn't involve you, your children or allow him in your house or mention his name/discuss him with you. You need to be hard, driven and un emotional.

Wait OP is he still seeing your kids, even if supervised?!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Wait OP is he still seeing your kids, even if supervised?!

She did say as much which I think is really piss poor parenting. I don't care that it's within the rules set by SS (they set their bar really low anyway), it's bloody stupid and no kids of mine would go near someone like that supervised or not.

I would also have suspicions about your DH, I’m sorry. Don’t assume that you know him well enough to be sure that you can trust him. My DM thought she knew my F inside out, yet learned from my DSis and me some years ago that he’d sexually abused my DSis and me when we were growing up. It destroyed her. (He’d passed away, which helped.)

I’m not saying that your DH is guilty, he may just have a blind spot about his brother. But his attitude towards BIL would be ringing alarm bells.

After all, why is it so hard for him to countenance banning contact between BIL and your children altogether? The fact that he is prioritising his brother over his DC’s protection is very much a red flag IMO.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be trusting my DH at this point.
You stated how close he and his brother are. Favourite people and all that.
You didn't suspect what the BIL was, DH is taking his side over the safety of his children. Can you be sure they don't share the same tastes?

@spacehardware

"IF he is convicted of indecent images of children"

Are you sure you worked in this field? He is awaiting sentencing. He has been convicted.

I'm going to hazard a guess that sheer incompetence is the reason she's no longer in the field

Maddy 68

You seem to be very desensitised to this whole scenario

The point is this man shouldn’t even be having supervised access to children!!

There are posters in MN who have been abused in plain sight! Predators are sly and sneaky