BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

Jesus Christ can we stop calling OPs brother a pedophile. What a bloody leap!

But you need to go into this with your eyes open, OP. And I wouldn’t ever let me children near that man again, nor any social media.

@CantStandMeCow

Jesus Christ can we stop calling OPs brother a pedophile. What a bloody leap!

But you need to go into this with your eyes open, OP. And I wouldn’t ever let me children near that man again, nor any social media.

The OP says

Sorry I wasn't explicit but unfortunately it is of children (under age of 16)

What?

If I’m being completely honest if the marriage is good then I’d stay with DH.

He’s in a denial phase (which I think we would all be if we heard this about someone we didn’t think would do it) and I wouldn’t trust him to not go around to his brothers and as a single parent he would need more support which he might get from his DB.

If you stay together it would be less likely to be other people would babysit anyway so it’s easier to know who your children are seeing and when.

Your DH is probably going to be in denial for quite a while so I would probably act like you can’t believe it and there must be some mistake but let’s not take the risk of leaving them alone anyway.

I watched a women married to a peado who had indecent images and she refused to believe it for a long time and chose him over her son and DIL and then one day reality just hit her and she left.
I think your DH will be like this too.

I know this is not going to be an easy thing to say. I have had experience of knowing a long standing friend of my partner and my partner's brother, being convicted of computer child porn. He went to prison and his devastated wife divorced him. She had grown up children thankfully. He told the same sort of lies and excuses.
I have been shocked at the attitude of some of the males in the friendship circle. My partner and his brother thankfully condemned and cut him off completely. Some others took a little longer to convince . It makes me suspicious that they did not see much wrong with the crime, on internet, not in person sort of thing. This has made our views of them change completely and the group has now disbanded as we cannot feel the same way about people who condone crimes.
The thing I want to say is , suspicions if the husband would creep in, no matter how close he is to his brother and it would destroy a relationship. So it's going to be very difficult to trust him. I'd get legal advice as a matter of urgency X
All the luck in the world x

@CantStandMeCow

Jesus Christ can we stop calling OPs brother a pedophile. What a bloody leap!

But you need to go into this with your eyes open, OP. And I wouldn’t ever let me children near that man again, nor any social media.

Sorry but he is going to court over thousands of indecent images of children ! What else would you call him exactly ? Jesus wake up

@CantStandMeCow

Jesus Christ can we stop calling OPs brother a pedophile. What a bloody leap!

But you need to go into this with your eyes open, OP. And I wouldn’t ever let me children near that man again, nor any social media.

And the award for the most stupid post goes to….

Paedophile: dictionary definition

A person who is sexually attracted to children

THAT is why PPs are calling his as such

@collieresponder88 Oh crap I meant to say husband!

I know you find this thought unpalatable but I would be looking at DH's computer. Anything but total revulsion from your DH is not normal and is possibly a tell.

Has his old computer suddenly died and had to be disposed of recently since his brother was arrested though OP? I know you don't want to think down this route but you must consider all possibilities being as you are the sensible parent in this.

DH needs to learn where his priorities lie- with his children.
Unfortunately, you will have to be vigilant but be adamant with DH about no unsupervised access. On terms of enforcing this, you are better with DH than not. If you divorced, I doubt you would get full access unless you could prove DH will let him have unsupervised access.
Seek legal advice.

We found out our family friend had done exactly this. It was an absolutely horrible shock and it really badly upset my husband who initially was very willing to consider his side of things (aka listen to a load of bullshit excuses). As the case became more clear there was no way the excuses made any sense, it had to be faced up to what a monster this friend was. It felt much like a bereavement.

Could this be where your husband is at?

I think those who are merrily saying that your husband is being odd are missing the point that it really will take time to come to terms with. The fact is that his relationship with his brother will never be the same again, and what you’ve enjoyed as an extended family is now gone. I feel for your husband, it’s an awful situation to be in. If he will do it maybe professional help to work through his feelings might be an idea.

But at the same time obviously your children’s safety comes first and the SS are very hot to try and pick up on any breaches of this, I really don’t see how you can guarantee safety with him in the house, I really don’t. I know emotionally your husband will take time to see his brother differently, but he does need to distance himself from that and immediately put your children first practically.

We had a big chat with a member of the police off the record about these crimes, it made us see so clearly the lies these men tell, the excuses are all the same, our ex friend was falling into all those categories. I don’t know if it’s possible but if your husband could talk with someone whose been involved in these cases it might really help him face what’s happened.

Really feeling for you, it’s a very difficult time, but you both divorcing is the worst thing that could happen, because his relationship with his brother will go wrong anyway after this. He won’t be able to excuse it all forever.

It’s apparently the fastest growing crime in the country. Hideous eh? They barely have enough court space for them all.

[quote CantStandMeCow]@collieresponder88 Oh crap I meant to say husband![/quote]
I'm not calling the dh one I just think I would be very suspicious about it tbh.

I would also speak to SS and ask them for their advice.

There are many parents who aren’t allowed unsupervised access but still get it.
With DH being in denial I couldn’t trust him if we were separated and he had the kids without me.

Surely if it's at the sentencing stage then your BIL is already a convicted sex offender and will be legally unable to be near your children (or any children) in any case?

If your DH tries to facilitate illegal contact between your BIL and your DC, then call the police.

OP
this happened to a friend of mine, but it was her husband.
She thought she knew him well, and they had been married for 13 years, she thought happily.

He had thousands of images on his computer, extrememly well hidden, the same computer that their children did homework on.

Then he raped a 3 year old.

This man is likely to escalte. Please protect your kids

@mathanxiety @samphirethesickest

No, I get that what its meant to mean but it has nothing to do with being deaf or hearing so as far as sayings like that or 'it fell on deaf ears' etc they are offensive because they are making reference to an oppressed community. A bit like all those sayings which are no longer PC which reference minority groups other example 'he is having a paddy', and many others linked to skin colour.

Not my intention to derail the thread but if we dont speak up about what oppression it continues. most is unintentional but raising awareness is vital for a more equal society

I'm sorry OP but in order to get the full truth, you need to get to court for the sentencing. Otherwise your DH and family will most likely downplay it and 'shield' you from the details.

You can only obtain a transcript of the proceedings in extreme circumstances and you would have to make an application through the court in question. Highly unlikely you would be granted it.

The most important people here are your children. What you and your husband need to think about are how you going to explain to them that their uncle was found with ages of children being sexually abused, you were warned by social services not to allow unsupervised contact and that as parents you continued to allow their uncle access to them. What messages will they take from that?

@Shtfday

So any reference to a minority is offensive, even if for example it's to state that blind people generally can't see? How about the phrase, "There are none so blind as those who will not see"?

@LotinLife I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s awful and it’s unfortunately more common than you would ever realise. We’ve unfortunately been through it twice in our family. As a result we were NC with many of dh’s family for a number of years, and we are completely NC with my family.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I suspect you are getting a lot of flack from people who are looking in on this from the outside and not realising how incredibly dysfunctional families can be when it comes to protecting abusers and vilifying anyone who breaks the narrative. It’s incredibly hard to be the one who refuses to tow the line. I’ve done it (my mum married a man who she knew sexually abused his daughter), and as a result I’ve lost my whole family and some of my oldest friends.

Two things I wanted to say though: (1) it’s incredibly unlikely that your BIL ‘accidentally’ downloaded child abuse images. Almost no one ‘downloads’ porn in this way anymore when there is so much free to stream online. People in these sharing networks know what they are looking for. It’s incredibly hard to find. It wasn’t an accident.

(2) you and your Dh need to be on the same page. My Dh had a really tough time believing his family was protecting an abuser. He just trusted everyone else’s opinion of the person and just didn’t want to focus on the negative. His family is very everything is happy and fine, even while it’s all going up in flames around them. I would really recommend therapy for both of you individually and as a couple. It helped tremendously. But you have to be together on this and making the best choices together for your dc. We have gone NC completely with the abusers and NC/LC with anyone who supports them. It took us both a long time to make peace with what our family looked like after the abuse, but it’s okay now. Most importantly, our dc are happy and safe, and are free from all the dysfunction we’ve both had to deal with in our respective families.

@StooOrangeyForCrows

I know you find this thought unpalatable but I would be looking at DH's computer. Anything but total revulsion from your DH is not normal and is possibly a tell.

Has his old computer suddenly died and had to be disposed of recently since his brother was arrested though OP? I know you don't want to think down this route but you must consider all possibilities being as you are the sensible parent in this.

I thought this too.

It has gone to court, And you're questioning if you should let him near your children?

Your husband sounds like an idiot, or he is in on it.

Please protect your children.

I would put the ball in your DH court by asking him to choose. BIL, or you and the children. This is very serious and if he says he can’t make the choice, then you make it for him. The children, and their safety, must be your absolute priority.

Haven’t read all the comments here but if that was my BiL I would go no contact even though the family is close knit. If my DH was minimising this in any way I would also then start suspecting if he has or is doing the same. I could not understand why else anyone would minimise this. If it was my own blood relative I wouldn’t hesitate. My children are number one no negotiations. No supervised visits, nothing. I would not want my kids thinking this person is still family so come 18 they’re hanging out alone with him. Nope.

I had a big hand in raising my brother who is 10 years younger than me. I've protected him from a lot but after a string of events he's now going to court for a racist assault. Even with our upbringing and us being close, I can see him for who he is, I love him dearly but I have no contact with him and neither does my daughter. In my opinion, the husband's attitude towards his brother is really off, wether there's been abuse of the brother when they were younger, the husband is somehow involved or something else, I can't say, but it is strange.

I'm going to stop weighing in on this because it's winding me up thinking about it, but one last thing I will add...

My DSDs had two abusers - their mum and their mums boyfriend. Both are now in prison. However, many members of their mums family have buried their heads in the sand about her crimes, and are still denying what she's done (despite hearing frankly vile evidence from police/social services and being questioned about her involvement with their own children!)

My DSDs have been not only spectacularly shat on my their mother, but also by their grandparents, aunt and uncle who have chosen to support their abuser, rather than the girls.

Whilst you're fortunate that your children haven't been harmed, why would your or your DH want to put yourself in the situation where one day your DC could turn round and say 'mum, dad, why did you put uncle X before me?'

Believe me, that's a horrendous thought process to watch a child go through.