BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

‘Why would your husband use unconditional love?

Very strange language for a man to use about his brother.’

Is it? I have a younger DSis who I love unconditionally. That being said, if she was accused of crimes like this she wouldn’t be allowed within a mile of my children.

Sounds like your DH is struggling with coming to terms with the fact that your BIL is a sexual predator and a paedophile. He may need some more time. He can still love his brother but he needs to keep him the fuck away from you and your children.

I agree with @Mrsbunton. He has downloaded these images one way or the other. It didn't happen by accident.
Regardless of the verdict (eg he gets a vey light sentence), I would want to protect my dcs from this man.

The thing is I don't think there is any point in discussion the guilt or no guilt of the BIL. The focus should be on the dcs and carying on following th SS recommendations. And probably to make them even tighter (eg they are not seeing BIL at all - abuse can be carried out in full sight of other adults wo them realising).
This needs to be done knowing that family (incl FIL) will not get how serious the case is and therefore cannot be relied on to help keeping thigs safe for your dcs.

If the verdict and being at the last hearing can help your dh go back to planet eart, then I think HE should be going rather than you. I dont think you need convincing whereas he does.

But more importantly, you need a conversation with your dh about your marriage. He needs to understand how serious this is for you and that he really needs to support you (even if he isn't as convinced).

The conviction, the court judgement and the sentencing all impact on the legal safeguarding requirements concerning BIL. OP should keep her DCs away from BIL regardless. But the court case will enable her to know what is mandated by the court in relation to BIL interacting with DCs. That information is important so OP knows the legal basis for keeping her DCs safe and so she has accurate information that she can pass on to other family members/friends whose DCs may be at risk and are unaware of what's going on. You can't rely on the court/police or probation services to know all DCs that BIL may be near or in contact with.

It's also important for OP and her DH to have as much information as possible so they can refute BIL's lies.

@LotinLife

I download a few pics from internet of antique items...NO WAY in hell can ''Other images'' get attached!

One frames the image, and screenshots, no way could other images be somehow ''Dragged in''.

The indecent images of children are there as your brother in law put them there.

Strange language to use about his brother

But also disturbing

You DH may well love his brother.But he is perfectly able to have a relationship with him, should he choose, entirely separate from allowing his brother any access at all to your children.

Your BIl should not be anywhere near your children. Paedophiles are not strange entities that operate entirely independent from society and who have sprung up out of nowhere. They are all brothers, sons, fathers, uncles, friends, employers and employees. They are also usually very adept at minimising and manipulating and IME convincing those around them that the paedophile themselves are actually the victims.

Without wanting to be to outing we had a family member serve three years in prison who we absolutely own categorically no was innocent no defending no minimising they did not do what they were accused of doing and it was purely circumstantial and incredibly badly thought our course of action by another member of the family who thought they were being helpful that actually ended up with him serving present time and for that reason, i’m always willing to listen to both sides and make my own mind up.

@AnnesBrokenSlate

It's also unlikely that she can rely on her husband to give her accurate or truthful information, if he were to go alone. He'd probably try to minimise.

On my understanding the Police process considers if files could have been added in error or maliciously. Usually they would have search histories and histories of file sharing as part of their case. You could ask SS or The police directly if they are able to let you know if the search history and file sharing was part of the case? Your BIL's version of events sounds suspicious. If you are able to demonstrate he is lying this might allow some of the scales to fall from their eyes.

OP is being very sensible to try to see the problems of leaving her husband. But I'm still mindboggled by the idea that you could continue to love someone who is sticking up for a paedophile. Most people would be completely horrified if they had a paedophile brother. And I'm also mindboggled by the OP and her husband proposing not to attend court. I can't begin to get my mind round this ("travel"? Is the court in Australia? Though even then, I'd find a way to get there...).

You aren't married to BiL though? Why get divorced over that? He'll be in prison anyway won't he? You have every right to insist that your kids are not to go near him though.

Decent parents who care for their children and their safety do NOT allow a paedophile access to their children, supervised or not. The fact that you or your husband is allowing it is awful. I hope this man does nothing to your children but if he does you have no one to blame except yourself and your husband. The fact that your husband is wanting contact to continue is alarming, and like PP it also makes me wonder what he is up to

I should also add as a caveat though you must do what social services tell you no matter what your thoughts opinions or indeed you DH’s, the children have to be protected otherwise you’ll find yourself on the sharp end of a social worker.

@Lovelteers That's not unconditional love. If your sister's happiness depending on being around your children and you refused to allow it because she was a known abuser of children, then your love for your sister isn't unconditional.

Am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing?

You've had excellent advice so far, OP, but if BIL's convicted and you ask SS this, you're effectively advertising that your DH won't protect the children himself

That's probably true - and is, I suspect, the nub of your problem here - but it's also a good way of ensuring SS are involved in your life while you remain with DH

I am wondering if leaving might put your kids at risk more than if you stay? Surely you will have more control if you stay? Depending on severity, he could be looking at a long sentence, so your kids might even be grown/of an age that a paedophile won’t be interested in by the time he gets out. It’s a very difficult situation indeed and I really feel for you and your family xx

I once tried to get a transcript of a trial - not sex abuse related - that I could not attend, on enquiry with the court it was both very difficult &/ or expensive to get this done. I did not go in person & I regretted for a variety of reasons not being there & hearing the witness statements for myself.

@LotinLife, I strongly urge you & your DH to be in court for everyday of BiL’s, so that you may both hear for yourself what the reality & extent of the case is.

Book time out as holiday, stay in hotel, whatever…but both be there in person. It is that important.

Your DH needs to hear what BiL has done & the assessment of the legal case for himself & so do you. For you the extra dimension is how your DH interprets & assimilates the evidence given in court & from that you’ll know of your DH’s stance & the future of your marriage.

[quote oakleaffy]@LotinLife

I download a few pics from internet of antique items...NO WAY in hell can ''Other images'' get attached!

One frames the image, and screenshots, no way could other images be somehow ''Dragged in''.

The indecent images of children are there as your brother in law put them there.[/quote]
as I understand it, its possible to buy bundles of images in a zip file. I do it for craft...you will get a bundle of hundreds of images in sets...except the ones I buy are christmas elves, snowy backgrounds and so on....but i don't see every image before I buy the bundle.

I am NOT excusing paedophilia or indeed porn in general which i find abhorrent....but its not as simple as saying oh its impossible to download somthing without seeing it....also I doubt that porn sites are any less well organised than craft sites and bundles are sold by type...I bet they bundles are quite specific.

I mean, I am sorry that this is happening to you, but getting to that hearing show be a priority. This is one of these threshold moments in life where you do what you have to do to get the facts, and as PP say hearing it from a judge may break your husband's denial - and yours, too.

Whatever transport issues there are, sort them out.

@LotinLife does your BIL have children himself? Does he have a partner?

(Sorry if I missed that)

It's also unlikely that she can rely on her husband to give her accurate or truthful information, if he were to go alone. He'd probably try to minimise

I agree, but am surprised at the suggestions the DH would attend court at all

Why would he do that when he'd risk hearing things he'd rather not, and lose the chance to insist "It wasn't like that really"?

I either choose to leave the love of my life, with potentially no guarantee that BIL wouldn't have contact with them (through ex HD)

Divorcing and denying your husband any access to his children (if you can get a court to approve that) sounds extreme. Why not wait until the sentancing and then have a conversation with DH about no further contact between children and uncle?
If you're together, you have more chance of enforcing/convincing your husband that there is to be no uncle-contact than if he has them for unsupervised stays? Maybe he will understand the severity of it better post prison and BIL is on sexual offenders register?

@Barkingmadhouse

Decent parents who care for their children and their safety do NOT allow a paedophile access to their children, supervised or not. The fact that you or your husband is allowing it is awful. I hope this man does nothing to your children but if he does you have no one to blame except yourself and your husband. The fact that your husband is wanting contact to continue is alarming, and like PP it also makes me wonder what he is up to

Exactly what I was thinking.

I haven't been in your exact situation but similar. Ex DP had images on his computer. He made similar claims and I stupidly believed him. Then a couple of years later I found more of the same. It was different in my case though as the images were (carefully and deliberately) not actually illegal so no crime committed.

All I'll say is this....the reason child abuse in the home will never be stamped out is because people refuse to believe the worst of their beloved relatives...even when the evidence is there.

I think going NC with BIL or, of it came to it, splitting with DP, would be necessary collateral damage to keeping your kids safe. I'm sorry.

You must prioritise your children or you may be dealing with SS yourselves anyway. Surely this is every parents worst nightmare? Protect your children and remove them from the situation and your DH if necessary!