BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

NFTFT

My Grandfather who was a known paedophile was allowed access to me as a child because family members didn't believe that he would be capable of it. I can confirm he most definitely was a paedophile and I found out the hard way.

Please protect your children OP both from your BIL and your DH.

@RandomBasic

Op, can you please confirm - is your DH actually a sibling to BIL?

If that is not his brother, the loyalty to someone with CP is baffling.

Yeah he is. DH is the older brother by 9+ years. They are very close. I honestly don't see any issue with this and will continue to believe they are just close brothers. But the issue is that he is blinded by that love.

I've put in a request to the court/police for the details of the case so that I can have at least the evidence first hand rather than through the BIL.

I'll see what they come back with, I may use it to approach DH to help identify the risks.

There are lots of 'fly on the wall' tv documentaries where they follow police units that investigate people that downtown these images.

Watch a few and you will see how devious these people are and it will give you an insight into his activities.

As a family, this is a terrible position to be in. I feel for you

So does your husband actually think his brother is innocent?

If so he MUST go to the sentencing hearing.

I think it's vital that you and your husband go to court and hear exactly what's happening. For one thing it will do your husband good to hear it in such a serious setting, but also it will mean your BIL can't lie about what happened there.

"My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him."

OP,
I find this to be a very strange comment.
Why would your husband use unconditional love?

Very strange language for a man to use about his brother.

People like your BIL are liars to their core.

The number of cases where family have been lied to until they hear the truth via court, is legion.

Their whole lives are lies.
Nothing about them is to be believed.

These accusations tear families apart all the time because it is extraordinary how firmly attached to denial some family will cling, even to the extent of putting children in the family at risk.

I believe there is hugely flawed pathology of the mind, in anyone who allow a man like that around children.

To not be able or willing to acknowledge the inherent peril to children, makes them also a menace.

Make sure you attend the trial. Even if you have to pay for a childminder. When prosecuting charges are usually for the thing with most evidence. But you will get context. So if for example he was on a forum for CP users, requesting specific things, paying money, other dodgy things may come out.

And the defence could be, he bought this second hand laptop (CCTV from shop of him buying it the day before) and the very next day was arrested and these are not his images, just bad luck.

Sit down very calmly when the children are in bed and outline exactly what you have said here.

Your husband may very likely be in shock. He’s grieving for the brother he thought he had and desperately wants to believe him. Unfortunately, his children are his priority. If they are not it says more about him than anything else.

‘DH, BIL is no longer to see the children. I will not have anyone, family or not, convicted of viewing child abuse images having access to our children. Regardless of what BIL says, the courts and the police had enough evidence to feel he was a danger to children. I will not put them at risk and I will not allow anyone else to either. I appreciate how close you are and I can’t imagine how you’re feeling but surely you agree that we can’t allow a convicted pedophile to have access to our children.’

If he argues, if he persists, or gets aggressive/defensive etc then it tells you all you need to know. Your husband prioritises his brother over your children. He needs to leave and the fact his brother has no access to the children in anyway is to be a condition of the custody order. If he refuses this you will be seeking full custody of the children and wanting him to only have supervised access as you feel he will not protect them against their uncle.

They are your terms and he can do with that information what he will. His wife and children or his brother.

@LotinLife

Please have stated that I can go to the hearing. Unfortunately that isn't possible (due to travel). Would there be a way to get the transcript of said hearing? Do I simply ask the court/police?

Wtaf

Due to travel

Sort yourself out and fucking get there

Decent grown-assed men aren’t “blinded by their love” for their brother

Decent frown assed women aren’t “blinded by their love” for their DH that they wouldn’t get the heck away from someone who could be blinded by their love for someone so despicable that poses a risk to their children

Simple. As. That.

Firstly wait until he's convicted and look at what actually he's convicted of - I'm by no means defending him but the devil is in the details as to whether your children are at risk. Once he is convicted and about to ge released (if sent to prison) talk to social services with your h present to discuss a safety plan that's proportionate to the risk. This isn't a one size fits all situation get the facts

@uggmum

There are lots of 'fly on the wall' tv documentaries where they follow police units that investigate people that downtown these images.

Watch a few and you will see how devious these people are and it will give you an insight into his activities.

As a family, this is a terrible position to be in. I feel for you

It is the children I feel for.

I can't believe you allowed them to be in the same room as a paedophile, supervised or not. You don't need SS to mandate it, YOU need to protect them.

This has really rattled me, my friend went through similar, she got her child away from the family immediately, thank god.

Due to travel

Sort yourself out and fucking get there

This. If you have to each take a day off work and pay for travel childcare do it. This is one of the critical decisions in your life. You won't have a clear picture otherwise.

DH skimming over legalese, will not have the same impact as hearing a judge say what he's done.

Even if that means Christmas is beans on toast and no presents, if that's where the money comes from, so be it.

@LotinLife as a detective I’ve investigated these offences many times. One does not suddenly find indecent images on one’s computer. They do not just randomly appear by accident. You have to put specific search terms in and download the images.
To think or believe that this could been accidental happening is naive beyond belief. I would be very worried that your husband does not seem to want to protect your children.

I wouldn’t be concerned about the final verdict in court. It’s irrelevant. The fact is that this man poses a threat to your children. You don’t need a guilty verdict to see this. Given your BIL is sexually attracted to children, there’s every chance he has a unhealthy interest in your children. I feel for you and the difficult decisions you’re going to have to make.

OP, why does your DH think it's so vital that your BIL has contact with your children, exactly? Has he explained this to you? The bond is between him and his brother, not between his brother and your children. He can continue to see his brother whenever he likes. Why does he feel that this needs to happen with the children there?

BIL is their uncle; even if he wasn't a convicted sex offender, he wouldn't have any kind of automatic entitlement to contact with the kids.

FWIW, it's perfectly normal for siblings to be close. It's not normal for them to put each other before their marriages and their own kids. It's a bit weird.

@gogohm

Firstly wait until he's convicted and look at what actually he's convicted of - I'm by no means defending him but the devil is in the details as to whether your children are at risk. Once he is convicted and about to ge released (if sent to prison) talk to social services with your h present to discuss a safety plan that's proportionate to the risk. This isn't a one size fits all situation get the facts

Conviction is important to confirm

However it means bugger all if the OP has concerns

How on earth could you love you dh

The mind boggles

To say you can’t get to court because of travel

Makes me see red

"Firstly wait until he's convicted and look at what actually he's convicted of"

He's been convicted, the OP says he's waiting to be sentenced. The sentencing hearing and any reports obtained will be essential hearing for OP and her husband. I get that they'd rather not hear it, but they need to go

@gogohm

Firstly wait until he's convicted and look at what actually he's convicted of - I'm by no means defending him but the devil is in the details as to whether your children are at risk. Once he is convicted and about to ge released (if sent to prison) talk to social services with your h present to discuss a safety plan that's proportionate to the risk. This isn't a one size fits all situation get the facts

Disagree completely.

Once convicted he deserves nothing, not an ounce of sympathy or understanding. The only consideration should be how to maximise the children's safety - that means keeping him away from them.

[quote Mrsbunton]@LotinLife as a detective I’ve investigated these offences many times. One does not suddenly find indecent images on one’s computer. They do not just randomly appear by accident. You have to put specific search terms in and download the images.
To think or believe that this could been accidental happening is naive beyond belief. I would be very worried that your husband does not seem to want to protect your children.

I wouldn’t be concerned about the final verdict in court. It’s irrelevant. The fact is that this man poses a threat to your children. You don’t need a guilty verdict to see this. Given your BIL is sexually attracted to children, there’s every chance he has a unhealthy interest in your children. I feel for you and the difficult decisions you’re going to have to make.[/quote]
Vital perspective.

It's notable that everyone with policing experience who has commented in this thread has said unequivocally not to let this man near the children again.

None have said to compromise or wait and see.

@Iputthetrampintrampoline

It might just be me but I cannot see what the OP is struggling with, Its a parents duty to protect their children, Its a no brainer..wouldnt even have to think about it. If her husband won't then she has to. Childrens safety first every time above and beyond everything.

I think she is struggling with the fact that if she leaves her husband then he will over time end up allowing the BIL to have some sort of access to her children.

If he has not broken SS steps to protect the children, it is not likely a court would not allow him to have contact on the off chance he might one day.

It is the fact that he may one day take them to somewhere BIL is and she will not be there to protect them because she is no longer with DH.

I think if her Dh broke the SS order then it would be easy as she could say to courts that he was a risk to their safety but he hasn't.

I think OP is getting a hard time because some are not realizing that this is her concern. She loves her DH but she has said she will leave but this is her concern and tbf she has a point where courts are concerned.

Hi op. I'm really sorry to hear this. I would continue to thrash it out with your DH. Child pornography is something that he will have sought out and known that he was at risk of being caught so he must have really wanted it.

It would make me suspicious of your DH too and wonder whether there was any abuse in the family. I love my brothers and trust them but if child pornography was found on their PCs then I would never trust them with my kids and would seriously affect our relationship. Child abuse is unforgivable.

You'd know how depraved these paedophiles are.

There is no such thing as a ''Mild '' paedophile.

They do horrendous damage, and destroy children's lives.

They are deeply dangerous people.

Please safeguard your own children.