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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that buying a puppy is NOT like having a baby.

430 replies

annoyedfr · 16/03/2022 11:35

After TTC, 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic 48 hour labour which ended with me having sepsis and baby in SCBU, 2 weeks inpatient stay, 2 years of developmental worries, all this on top of the entirely normal unbelievable stress/responsibility/cost of having a baby and child ... WIBU to tell my (wonderful but in this instance thoughtless) friend that getting a puppy is not like having a baby? Because she has not suffered birth injuries to have her 'child', a dog is not a lifelong commitment in any sort of the same way as a baby (if it were as ill as my daughter they probably would have put it down tbh rather than watch it so ill for so long and wonder if it would live and if so what quality of life it would have), and dogs do not need anywhere the sort of attention and input as an actual human child?

I didn't bite the first time she said it. I bit the third time.

It's not the only time I've heard it and it's become a bit of a bugbear.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SevenWaystoLeave · 16/03/2022 13:37

Love - and grief - is not a competition.

Bluehawaii29 · 16/03/2022 13:39

@AnIconOfImperfections Thank you Smile glad you understand! And congrats to you too. May our pregnancies and babies be healthy ✨⭐️

TheChronicalTales · 16/03/2022 13:40

After TTC, 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic 48 hour labour which ended with me having sepsis and baby in SCBU, 2 weeks inpatient stay, 2 years of developmental worries, all this on top of the entirely normal unbelievable stress/responsibility/cost of having a baby and child ... WIBU to tell my (wonderful but in this instance thoughtless) friend that getting a puppy is not like having a baby? Because she has not suffered birth injuries to have her 'child', a dog is not a lifelong commitment in any sort of the same way as a baby (if it were as ill as my daughter they probably would have put it down tbh rather than watch it so ill for so long and wonder if it would live and if so what quality of life it would have), and dogs do not need anywhere the sort of attention and input as an actual human child?

YABU and projecting IMO. I have a child and a dog (who is no longer a puppy) and dog is much, much harder than a child. They cannot communicate, as pp say are constantly stuck in toddler stage and children don’t quite literally chew your entire house into irreplaceable shreds if bored.

I had an easy pregnancy, birth with no injuries and my child had been easy since day one. By that logic because I have not suffered does that mean my own child is insignificant compared to your experience? If she has no children then I think you are being even more UR.

IlFaitBeau · 16/03/2022 13:41

As someone who is usually sat on each evening by 6 year old boy, 2 year old girl and 7 year old fur-ball dog - and as someone who has woken nights, bleary-eyed, arguing with spouse about "whose turn is it" at 2:47 am - for all of these 3, but yes, suffered birth injuries for only 2 of course - - I'd say - it is not a competition.

Whelmed · 16/03/2022 13:42

My sister who has 4 DC says she feels like having a dog is like having a fifth child! It's a lot of work with training, socialising and of course routine care as well as occasional medical care and lot of money in terms of arranging care for them during the day time, this is in a country where you can't leave a dog for more than 5-6 hours by themselves.

TheseDaysGoBy · 16/03/2022 13:43

@annoyedfr

I know parents are a huge fan of asking the patronising question "do YOU have children?!" of anyone who dares have an opinion on parenting.

So, I'm curious, have you ever even had a puppy you've had to care for to be able to make the comparison?

JustBeQuietWontYouPlease · 16/03/2022 13:44

No, you can buy a new dog a lot easier than a new baby, they are by no means the same.

Blossomtoes · 16/03/2022 13:46

Having had both a baby and a puppy, I’d definitely say there are strong similarities. Puppies start to be entertaining a lot sooner though.

smooshraspberry · 16/03/2022 13:47

I have both. My dog came along first. I absolutely love and adore him. He gives me the best cuddles in the world and I would be absolutely devastated without him. He is well and truly part of our family. However, I am fully aware that it does not compare in any way, shape or form to raising a child and the devastation I would feel if god forbid anything happened to her. So YANBU!

SevenWaystoLeave · 16/03/2022 13:48

@JustBeQuietWontYouPlease

No, you can buy a new dog a lot easier than a new baby, they are by no means the same.
Think that says more about your materialistic attitude to pets than it does the actual emotional investment involved.
TheHoptimist · 16/03/2022 13:50

@ridemesideway

Had both and the crazed Springer puppy was about a million times easier than a non sleeping baby. Yanbu. But be kind to her.
Opposite

Children much easier in 1st few weeks than dogs

Moomieboo · 16/03/2022 13:51

Why do you feel like her saying this invalidates your experiences.
I have a severely disabled child, He has been in and out of hospital since he was born....hes 12 now and we have nearly lost him several times.

He does sleep, never has slept !!! I've spent the past 12 years living on 4-5 hours sleep sometimes much less.
Friends say to me..."I'm so tired" even the ones without kids!!! Yes I do want to throat punch them.....but I don't! Why? Because they are tired and I can't compare my tiredness to thiers!

As I am a complete knobhead...I have a dog too...a Labrador!!! Yes I did think....what the hell have I done in the early stages when I was coping with him peeing and pooping everywhere, not sleeping, waking in the night for a wee and then eventually teething !!

Your experience of having a baby is very different from Sally down the road who had a normal birth and baby .... maybe your friend should say ...Dogs ate like Sally's baby...not yours...you've obviously had it much worse !"Shock

Ilostit · 16/03/2022 13:51

Very similar situation to you. My first DC was on a ventilator in NICU. But I would just let it brush over me with your friend. Smile and change the subject. I wouldn’t have the energy!

SecretSpAD · 16/03/2022 13:53

@ItMustBeBedtimeSurely

Maybe on a practical level they’re similar, broken sleep and toileting etc.

But on an emotional level? Nothing like the same. I love my pets but never ever in the way I love my children. People who say they love them just the same are either lying or seriously messed up imo.

And for me, the hard part of having children was the anxiety that comes with the love you have for your children - the sheer terror I felt when they were ill or in danger. I worry about my pets if they are unwell and miss them terribly when they die but it’s just not the same. Not even close.

Oh dear. You really, really cannot tell people how to love, what or who to love and that the love they feel for their pet, their husband, their fridge is not as important as the love YOU feel for YOUR child. Love is subjective. My experience of love is different to yours and it does women no good whatsoever to say that nothing compares to the love you have for your child....not the struggling new mothers with severe PND, not the infertile woman who is just trying to find a way of coping with the pain.
We don't need a hierarchy of what is most worthy to love. Why can't we just have hearts big enough to include all our friends and family: whether human or animal. Or fridge ;-)
PlantsAndSpaniels · 16/03/2022 13:53

I don't think people without dogs realise the attachment. Currently pregnant with my first and I've had loads of people with children tell me that puppies are harder work than babies. I think generally you get a lot more support with babies than puppies and can take babies places that puppies can't. Our dog was hard work as a puppy in some aspects, wouldn't sleep though the night, couldn't leave her alone easily so we were knackered and having to work full time.

SexPeopleLynn · 16/03/2022 13:54

There have been a few threads on puppy vs baby and as with everything, it's all subjective.

I currently have a 2 year old and 8 week old and the puppy nearly broke me more than either of my DCs.

Having a puppy was very much like having a toddler before they can really communicate.

Even now, my soppy adult dog can be more demanding than the children.

There are absolutely similarities so I don't think she's wrong to say it but if it had been said to me after my traumatic birth when I was sleep deprived and worried I would have probably reacted too.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/03/2022 13:57

Oh hush. I didn’t say I’m offended but if you had tough pregnancy or suffered a loss it’s obviously in incredibly poor taste to turn around and say oh yeah I know how you feel, I had a tough week with my puppy or yeah I know how your loss feels my dog died last year.

I mean you literally said it's offensive but ok...... and no I won't "hush" thank you very much

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 16/03/2022 13:59

When you put it like that, of course it’s not. But when people say it (me included!) I mean that weird time period when you come home from hospital and you won’t leave the house and you are up every couple of hours and suddenly you can’t do the things you could before..it has a familiar quality, I guess similar to the first couple of weeks with a puppy. I get your point, I have 4 children, one of whom was very ill, and a complicated and stressful pregnancy. I also have a dog. I still maintain that there are similar elements!

Kanfuzed123 · 16/03/2022 14:01

@AryaStarkWolf

Oh hush. I didn’t say I’m offended but if you had tough pregnancy or suffered a loss it’s obviously in incredibly poor taste to turn around and say oh yeah I know how you feel, I had a tough week with my puppy or yeah I know how your loss feels my dog died last year.

I mean you literally said it's offensive but ok...... and no I won't "hush" thank you very much

Because it IS offensive to dismiss anyones struggles.

Offensive is an adjective
To be offended is a verb

They are different

EmeraldShamrock1 · 16/03/2022 14:03

Why do you need to say anything?
It is not the same but there are similarities.
My 5 month old puppy is full on, takes up a lot of my time.
The first 2 weeks she arrived it felt like the DC were babies again.
Her needs do remind me of when the DC x2 were smaller.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/03/2022 14:03

I don’t really know why everything has to be like something else! It is what it is - no doubt hard work having a puppy but it’s isn’t the same thing as having a baby, just as it isn’t the same (in another sense) as buying a car.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/03/2022 14:04

Both instances involve sleepless nights - babies and puppies (or kittens) - but so do loads of other things like medical conditions or having a war.

Chasingaftermidnight · 16/03/2022 14:07

In many ways it’s a pointless comparison. You’ve had an incredibly traumatic time and I expect few things in life are more stressful and challenging than what you’ve been through. Flowers

However I do think it can be a useful comparison for people who are considering getting a dog - it is in many ways like having a child. And it can be even harder for the many reasons outlined on this thread - dogs can be even more restrictive for example. Babies and children are welcome in many more places than dogs are. Babies and children develop and grow up, dogs don’t. People generally have far more tolerance and understanding for children’s behaviour than dogs’ behaviour. In my case my dog is far more work and stress than my children and I wish I’d understood this before getting a dog to be honest.

I totally get why it’s an irritating and useless comparison for you though!

PourSomeLove · 16/03/2022 14:07

There’s are similarities so it is ‘like’ having a baby/toddler, obviously not the pregnancy part.

Our rescue puppies have meant sleepless nights, cost many thousands above insurance costs, stress/worry when two of them had major health problems (no I didn’t just ‘put it down’). We see them as a big commitment, just like children, one of our dogs can’t be left for more that an hour etc, we don’t ignore them or shut them out like so many people do. We have put just as much input and attention into our dogs as we did our children, they’re family and that’s how we are.

Don’t make it into a competition. Babies and dogs are different but some of the issues they bring are similar. I wouldn’t bring up my dogs health issue if someone was talking about their baby’s health issue but that’s just because it’s not appropriate to make a direct comparison with anything, even another baby, you should just listen if someone is struggling. She’s not a good friend if she isn’t doing that and is more worried about making comparisons and telling you it’s the same. I’d say she’s not so wonderful as you say she is.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/03/2022 14:08

@smooshraspberry

I have both. My dog came along first. I absolutely love and adore him. He gives me the best cuddles in the world and I would be absolutely devastated without him. He is well and truly part of our family. However, I am fully aware that it does not compare in any way, shape or form to raising a child and the devastation I would feel if god forbid anything happened to her. So YANBU!
Bloody hell how did it get turned into Losing a child is the same as losing a puppy?