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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that buying a puppy is NOT like having a baby.

430 replies

annoyedfr · 16/03/2022 11:35

After TTC, 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic 48 hour labour which ended with me having sepsis and baby in SCBU, 2 weeks inpatient stay, 2 years of developmental worries, all this on top of the entirely normal unbelievable stress/responsibility/cost of having a baby and child ... WIBU to tell my (wonderful but in this instance thoughtless) friend that getting a puppy is not like having a baby? Because she has not suffered birth injuries to have her 'child', a dog is not a lifelong commitment in any sort of the same way as a baby (if it were as ill as my daughter they probably would have put it down tbh rather than watch it so ill for so long and wonder if it would live and if so what quality of life it would have), and dogs do not need anywhere the sort of attention and input as an actual human child?

I didn't bite the first time she said it. I bit the third time.

It's not the only time I've heard it and it's become a bit of a bugbear.

AIBU?

OP posts:
diploc · 16/03/2022 13:13

Marked similarities with the night-time waking and caring. At least you can stay indoors with a baby. With a puppy, you're outside at 3am for toileting!

AnIconOfImperfections · 16/03/2022 13:14

@Bluehawaii29

Having just found out we are pregnant through IVF after years of challenges and going through intensive fertility treatment and not knowing if we would ever get pregnant I can’t believe you would hold a grudge against a friend who considered her puppy like her baby. After we found out we had fertility issues we got a puppy and yes he is our baby, he will always be our first born and he is just as much part of the family as any of our future children will be!
Congratulations! Mine is also an IVF baby and we feel the same about our babies (aka dogs). They will remain just as important to us after the baby (human) is born.
stevalnamechanger · 16/03/2022 13:15

@Joinedforthis22

There are elements of it that are like having a baby and I say that as someone who had a traumatic birth. It be better if more people did see it this way as a big commitment rather than getting puppies on a whim. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time but you're projecting and that's unfair.
Agree
SpeckledlyHen · 16/03/2022 13:16

I say this all the time when talking about puppies. I am not referring to the trying to conceive, pregnancy or giving birth though. I am referring to the first days/weeks/months of getting a puppy is similar to when a new born comes home. The constant worry, the feeding, getting you up at night etc etc you get with a puppy was the most memorable to having a newborn to me than anything else. So I use this as an analogy to explain what it's like because I can't think of anything else that would be similar.

SevenWaystoLeave · 16/03/2022 13:16

In this thread: an awful lot of people who don't understand an analogy can be valid even if all aspects of the thing are not exactly the same.

bigbluebus · 16/03/2022 13:16

I've seen childless people go a special kind of crazy when they get a puppy. I know such a couple and have nearly unfriended them on FB many times as I find the humanising of the dog almost unbearable. Not surprisingly, in spite of having paid out £££ for puppy training, it is one of the worst behaved dogs I have the misfortune to meet. To them it is their 'baby' although I know it hasn't bought them the dream that they had hoped for.

I think you are feeling more sensitive due to your traumatic experience (I understand how you feel as I had a DD born with a life limiting illness). You aren't even on the same wavelength as other baby 'owners' never mind puppy owners. Your life and experience is so different to theirs.

Figgygal · 16/03/2022 13:16

I think you're taking things a bit literally based on your history
Puppies are a hell of a lot of hard work though so theres a reason why people say this

Lady846 · 16/03/2022 13:16

I’d say under a standard birth and postnatal situation having a puppy is a LOT like having a baby.

I’d even go as far to say it’s worse in that you can’t leave them at home, you can’t take them everywhere, other people don’t want to look after them and you don’t get maternity leave.

Add to that they never leave home or learn to clean up their own excrement - I’d much rather have another kid than ever get a puppy.

I don’t think she’s comparing it to a situation like yours though and I would assume she means a general standard version of having a baby without intending offence.

mewe3 · 16/03/2022 13:17

Well it is a baby animal, usually when people say that they don't mean it's the exact same as having a baby but having kittens/puppies are like having toddlers. Granted it lasts for only a year and having a baby has many more responsibilities but you know whats she means. I've got a child and I now have two kittens and in my opinion the kittens are harder work day to day (I was up every three hours when they were younger as they were still bottle fed) but I know in a few months they won't be and I also know I don't have to bring them up to be competent adults. Suppose it depends on the child / animal you have lol. I think you're taking it too literal

SecretSpAD · 16/03/2022 13:18

@Cognoscenti

YANBU at all! I have a close family member like this, couldn't say I was exhausted from sleepless nights without "oh (puppy) kept me up all night too!" even with bloody teething, "(Puppy) is teething too so I'm going through the same!" I ended up ignoring any such statements for a while and it eventually calmed down. FWIW other family members, apart from their spouse, thought they were being ridiculous too!
It's comments like this that cause people without children to either feel like shit, or (which I've always done) ditch their friends with children.

You have no idea of another person's struggles with sleep for whatever reason. All they are doing is saying "I'm not sleeping either". It is shit and relentless, exhausting and soul destroying whether it is due to babies, dogs, working long hours, insomnia or chronic pain.

What people like you are doing is saying that your pain, your exhaustion, your experience is more valid and deserves more attention and empathy than someone else's.

I have an elderly dog who has multiple health problems. I've also been a junior doctor and have been the adopted parent of two traumatised and bereaved teenagers. I thought I could cope with no sleep/little sleep until I also acquired a shoulder injury which caused me intense pain 24 hours a day. Nothing in my life ever prepared me for how that would almost destroy me physically and mentally. I swear that if I'd had a parent tell me that my experience was less valid than theirs at that point in my life, I would have hit them.

100percent21 · 16/03/2022 13:18

Crimesean

Not sure where it was asked that you give judgement on someone’s choice of breed.

Luckymummytoone · 16/03/2022 13:19

@fancyfrogs

It's just different points of view, she doesn't need to stop saying it at all. I had a dog before a baby and the dog is my 'first baby'. There are lots of similarities. I also had a rough time and an 8 week NICU stay. I wouldn't for a second feel like they were comparing to that nor does it invalidate any of your experiences. Puppies ARE hard. Initially, I'd say a puppy was harder than when my baby came home! Health issues aside. People experience things differently.
This! Just because her opinion doesn’t match yours doesn’t mean she should stop saying it. I say that as well as someone who has a puppy and a difficult birth etc. I find puppy a lot harder!! Have you even ever had a puppy?
Cryofthecurlew · 16/03/2022 13:20

@HotMummaSummer

My friend got at puppy at a similar time to me having DD1. Puppy was co-sleeping and up every 3 hours in the night to be taken outside for the toilet. DD is 19months now and sleeps through in her own bed, their puppy still co-sleeps Confused They also have to spend quite a bit on classes, daycare and sitters and have pulled out of social gatherings as no one can look after their dog. I actually made the comparison to them!
But you don’t have to co sleep my dogs have always slept downstairs from an early age. You can make puppy ownership a complete nightmare if you want but you don’t have too. All my dogs have been happy well adjusted well behaved and toilet trained without testing them like new born babies. Mind you I had horses looking after a dog pales into insignificance in comparison with the Afro and time required to care for a horse.
Naimee87 · 16/03/2022 13:22

@XelaM i echo you! Love your puggy photo! Best dogs ever... admittedly we didn't get her when my DS was tiny but agree with loving them both and caring for them both being full-time jobs on top of everything else! Never knew i could love an animal so much!

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 16/03/2022 13:22

@annoyedfr

I'm not trying to be that AIBU poster who refuses to consider that they are BU, promise Grin I know that there are elements I bring to this (unaddressed trauma for one, but also an annoying habit of taking things personally that aren't intended in that way), but I cannot accept that a dog is like a baby. But appreciate the POVs.
I think you are indeed that poster though @annoyedfr

Sounds like you have had an awful experience but YBVU to think your friend isn't entitled to vent her feelings without it being personal to you.

Think you need to let this one go.

SpiderVersed · 16/03/2022 13:23

Given what you’ve been through, your friend was insensitive.

You’re carrying a lot of unprocessed trauma, OP. My experience wasn’t as traumatic as yours but it took me a long time to address it; since then, I’ve felt so much better in myself.

If you feel able to do it, MIND or the Birth Trauma Association might be able to help you. I found talking it through really helped.

Best wishes to you and your child Flowers

Kanfuzed123 · 16/03/2022 13:24

@SpeckledlyHen

I say this all the time when talking about puppies. I am not referring to the trying to conceive, pregnancy or giving birth though. I am referring to the first days/weeks/months of getting a puppy is similar to when a new born comes home. The constant worry, the feeding, getting you up at night etc etc you get with a puppy was the most memorable to having a newborn to me than anything else. So I use this as an analogy to explain what it's like because I can't think of anything else that would be similar.
Think you need to preface this with a ‘straight forward delivery, ‘easy’ baby, without complications, health problems or additional needs.

As with my second child, yeah I can see the comparison, he’s quite chilled and also my dogs have been. But my first id find this so dismissive and hurtful because it was hell on earth due to the level of complexities. But this is obviously my experience in this area, but I think it’s something to be mindful of when making these comparisons as it it’s worth being mindful of someone’s circumstances when they profess their pet is their child

Patienceisntvirtuous · 16/03/2022 13:25

Owning a puppy can be like having a baby (as in puppy ownership versus taking care of a baby), but owning a puppy isn't like HAVING a baby that is birth especially with complications, labour and pregnancy. That's what she's missing, I think.

implantreplace · 16/03/2022 13:30

* After TTC, 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic 48 hour labour which ended with me having sepsis and baby in SCBU, 2 weeks inpatient stay, 2 years of developmental worries*

And YOUR experience of having a baby has nothing in common with MY experience of having a baby.

leli · 16/03/2022 13:31

I have a truly ghastly obstetric history and dogs.

You probably wouldn't be able to be my friend with your rigid insistence about some sort of hierarchy of needs with you at the top of the suffering tree. You sound as if you feel dogs are inferior. For some of us all living creatures are similar in their needs and rights.

SevenWaystoLeave · 16/03/2022 13:32

@Patienceisntvirtuous

Owning a puppy can be like having a baby (as in puppy ownership versus taking care of a baby), but owning a puppy isn't like HAVING a baby that is birth especially with complications, labour and pregnancy. That's what she's missing, I think.
But OP's friend isn't missing this because she isn't saying it's like HAVING a baby (ie, pregnancy, birth), she's saying it's like having a baby (ie toilet training, constant vigilance, interrupted sleep, dependant vulnerable thing). OP is choosing to make the first interpretation and feel aggrieved about it when clearly what is meant is the second. Again, nobody thinks they're pushing puppies out of their vaginas and that's not what anyone means when they make a statement like this.
TheseDaysGoBy · 16/03/2022 13:32

In your case, YANBU and your friend needs to be more thoughtful considering your circumstances, but not everyone has such a traumatic time having a baby. And it must be remembered that a puppy is still a baby animal - they just develop quickly to walk and feed themselves but still need a LOT of care and having pets isn't easy - hence why there are so many in rescue centres because they were given up by families who decided they couldn't cope.

I don't have children yet so I can't compare the two, but would like to have them someday (if my body allows!). However, I have a very highly energetic large breed puppy who is currently VERY clingy and hormonal during her first season and needs a lot of care, attention and stimulation to keep her occupied through the day. The first few weeks we had her at 8 weeks old I cried a LOT and felt something very similar to PND and felt I couldn't cope with how demanding the puppy was. Obviously I got over myself and I kept her - I would die before I gave her up. I think you can't possibly compare the two unless you have experienced both having a puppy from 8 weeks old and having a newborn baby (normal pregnancy, normal birth, no developmental problems, for the sake of comparison because you can't really compare to a traumatic case such as yours).

implantreplace · 16/03/2022 13:32

* but also an annoying habit of taking things personally that aren't intended in that way)*

Good insight

Now apply it to THIS scenario

scoobydoo1971 · 16/03/2022 13:35

I have two children, one had epilepsy from infancy (now better thankfully), and had been diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos syndrome like me. My girl was born with sepsis and went on to be diagnosed with dyspraxia, autism etc. Complex early childhood issues, and still on-going. I have four rescue cats including two with on-going medical issues, as well as two dogs (one has serious medical issues). I think having animals at home can be on a par to dealing with children. I certainly worry about them as much! If you don't treat them with due care and attention, two legs or four legs...it will go badly wrong pretty quickly in my experience.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 16/03/2022 13:35

Maybe on a practical level they’re similar, broken sleep and toileting etc.

But on an emotional level? Nothing like the same. I love my pets but never ever in the way I love my children. People who say they love them just the same are either lying or seriously messed up imo.

And for me, the hard part of having children was the anxiety that comes with the love you have for your children - the sheer terror I felt when they were ill or in danger. I worry about my pets if they are unwell and miss them terribly when they die but it’s just not the same. Not even close.