To say that buying a puppy is NOT like having a baby.

[annoyedfr]

After TTC, 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic 48 hour labour which ended with me having sepsis and baby in SCBU, 2 weeks inpatient stay, 2 years of developmental worries, all this on top of the entirely normal unbelievable stress/responsibility/cost of having a baby and child ... WIBU to tell my (wonderful but in this instance thoughtless) friend that getting a puppy is not like having a baby? Because she has not suffered birth injuries to have her 'child', a dog is not a lifelong commitment in any sort of the same way as a baby (if it were as ill as my daughter they probably would have put it down tbh rather than watch it so ill for so long and wonder if it would live and if so what quality of life it would have), and dogs do not need anywhere the sort of attention and input as an actual human child?

I didn't bite the first time she said it. I bit the third time.

It's not the only time I've heard it and it's become a bit of a bugbear.

AIBU?

I totally understand your standpoint. I have had someone say to me that having a dog is like having a child and that losing a dog/pet is as bad as losing a child. As someone who has lost both- it isn't. And I found it extremely thoughtless and offensive.
I would try not to take it to heart and I agree that it sounds like you have been through a traumatic time recently from pregnancy to childbirth. If your friend keeps making that comment and I would swiftly change the subject and move on so she doesn't have a platform to make you feel this way. If she questions this, if you feel comfortable to do, you could explain why you find it hard to hear her say this and if she is a real friend she will understand.

@CounsellorTroi

OP I wonder why you have put “buying a puppy” in your title instead of say “getting” a puppy. It just seems a bit loaded.

Yes. It’s intentionally diminishing. Her friend is not the only one being thoughtless of other people’s feelings here.

Well obviously you don’t give birth to the puppy unless we are going back to Jeremy Kyle territory! A puppy is a commitment and to a childless person it really is their baby. I know a lot of people with kids who also feel like that. I am sure she doesn’t mean any harm. Let it go.

I've had four babies and a few more puppies over the years, and in some ways they are similar. In some ways a puppy can be worse. In some ways a baby is worse.

I'd probably have another baby before a puppy, if I could make the choice. But, the former is impossible and the latter inevitable.

[quote Kanfuzed123]@AryaStarkWolf please don’t @ me, i have 0 desire to carry on a pointless conversation with someone who thinks a pet dying is akin to losing a child.[/quote]
@Kanfuzed123 what the fuck?? Stop making shit up, I never said that. I have no idea why the conversation became about a child dying is the same as a puppy dying but that was not what the OP was about. And a hot top for you, if you don't want someone @ ing you maybe don't do it them.........

You sound mean 😢

Sorry Arya but the part of my original post was specifically talking about that degree of comparison which I and another poster up thread have sadly experienced. You called this the offended olympics. That degree of comparison is obviously offensive.

I also said there are some mild comparisons to be made.

I think they can be similar in terms of sleepless nights in the beginning but the level of commitment is completely different.

Also your friend is being really insensitive, knowing what you've been through.

You’re making it about yourself and your need to be recognised as someone who had a difficult time. Baby care and puppy care have plenty in common, including impact on sleep, need to supervise, difficulty working, feeding routines, toilet routines, check ups, bathing, grooming, need to change and adapt routines, limits on social life etc etc.

Not every pregnancy and birth is the same as yours so there’s no point in trying to make sweeping blanket statements comparing your situation to hers. I mean, I had one puppy that kept me awake as much as a baby, couldn’t be left alone for over a year and cost more in vet bills in one year (which exceeded insurance) than it cost to have a baby.

Just sounds a bit mean of you to be effectively saying ‘you can’t possibly understand motherhood and compare your dog to my difficult birth.’ I think your friend knows a baby and a dog are not exactly the same. I think they also know that there are some similar ‘parental’ aspects to both. I think you need to just let it go.

Of course it’s a silly comment, but a friend of mine who has had three children compares her puppy to looking after a baby!

I had a traumatic birth and that part of having a baby you can't compare with getting a puppy but the sleepless nights etc is very similar.My puppy is 4.5months and it took me right back to the baby days

I think it is the early days when babies and puppies are similar.
After 12 months a dog is self sufficient.
Babies are only starting the fun, years of sleepless nights, worrying about them, constantly striving to enrich their life, develop a good person but not a pushover.
Listening to their worries, saving for the future.
Those parts don't compare.

Having a puppy is very very hard work. I've done it twice. I will not do it again (current dog is basically a hairy ninja terrorist intent on ruling my life).

For me it was hard and draining but not as difficult as the baby phase with dd.

DDog is like my second child. We have a really close bond and I have spent many many hours, cuddling her, bathing her, cleaning up after her, hand feeding her when she is sick and apologising for her behaviour. But, she isn't a child, not like my actual dd is. If I had not had an actual baby, I might feel like it's a similar experience though. Not comparable with what you describe of course, but then everyone's experience of motherhood is different.

There are some elements which are similar to having a baby and both our puppies have been very different with varying battles and problems.

However, and this is the big thing.... You can put a puppy in its crate and go out shopping. You cannot do that with a baby! Also, having a puppy might keep you up at night and bruise your bank balance but it will not have anywhere near the physical and emotional effects that having a baby does on you, your body and your relationships.

Having had both, some puppies were harder than my DD. But then others have been easier. But I'd say it's the closest thing to each other.

There are mums who have babies who couldn’t give a toss about them. There are people who have dogs where that animal is there everything. You can’t compare the depth of people’s love or grief because it depends on the person, their life experiences and support network. I knew someone who committed suicide after his pet cat died because it was literally his world. To me love is love and if someone says they are grieving whether it is for a human or an animal I believe them.

After 12 months a dog is self sufficient.

Lol.

Puppies are more annoying.
Eventually your child will listen to you ....

It's just a loose analogy that is used partly to try and reinforce or forge the bonds of fellowship and commonality. It may sound the opposite of empathetic but the impulse probably is empathetic; an "I know just what you mean!" thing. I really think you should respond to the impulse and not actual verisimilitude.

I sometimes describe having my bean-to-cup coffee machine as like having a pet. It's just a wry comment on its many and varied demands for maintenance and care, and the endurance of my love for it. I've had pets and obviously there is no real comparison.

@Kanfuzed123

Sorry Arya but the part of my original post was specifically talking about that degree of comparison which I and another poster up thread have sadly experienced. You called this the offended olympics. That degree of comparison is obviously offensive.

I also said there are some mild comparisons to be made.

You mentioned a child dying and a puppy dying in the 2nd part of that post, I was NOT commenting on that. Your "its offensive" comment came directly after you said there were some similarities. It's quite clear from the OP and from most peoples comments in this thread that "having a puppy is like having a baby" refers to looking after their needs being similar. That is in no way offensive to mothers and it's ridiculous to suggest that it is.

Oh OP, you clearly don’t have a dog.

And 100% definitely don’t have a spaniel!

You are projecting. I have raised 2 babies and 2 puppies. The puppies were the most exhausting, hardest work, and most destructive to my mental well being . I would never get another puppy, but I'd be open to another baby.

Your friend has every right to share her view, as have you, but on this you have to agree to differ and move on. Neither of you are 'right' as such.

@canicross

You are projecting. I have raised 2 babies and 2 puppies. The puppies were the most exhausting, hardest work, and most destructive to my mental well being . I would never get another puppy, but I'd be open to another baby.

Your friend has every right to share her view, as have you, but on this you have to agree to differ and move on. Neither of you are 'right' as such.

But OP is right. Dog can never be your child. It seems like anyone can say anything bonkers these days and you have to 'agree to differ'. And it is minimising the experience of motherhood. This article sums it up well www.thecut.com/2016/10/pets-are-not-children-so-stop-calling-them-that.html

@Clarabe1

There are mums who have babies who couldn’t give a toss about them. There are people who have dogs where that animal is there everything. You can’t compare the depth of people’s love or grief because it depends on the person, their life experiences and support network. I knew someone who committed suicide after his pet cat died because it was literally his world. To me love is love and if someone says they are grieving whether it is for a human or an animal I believe them.

I think this is a good point. Some people just bond with animals more than others. One person might be complete mental breakdown wreck for life after losing a pet, and another might shrug it off.

The one who wasn't as emotionally attached to their pet won't understand why the other person is acting that way, but that doesn't stop the first person's feelings about it.

I suppose we're all different.

Well, my partner has a dog that is high maintenance. He can't leave her on her own because she destroys the house. She limits what she can do a lot more than his children who are both adults now.
So it is a silly comparison because it depends on the age of the child/dog. How your child is and how much help you have. The temperament of the dog, how much help you have and what you work as.
You can easily work from home with your dog but very difficult with a young child. But it is easier to work outside the home when you have kids as there is childcare and schools.