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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or should my husband be trying to help me?

140 replies

allupsidedown · 15/03/2022 12:27

I've got covid and I'm in the middle of a flare up of IBD. I've been struggling to eat because it hurts my stomach. It is also painful to move and I'm feeling very weak. I am able to drink but Yesterday I ate 1/4 of a bagel. I'm trying to stay in isolation so the rest of the household are fine.
My husband is acting like I don't exist. He prepares food for himself and the kids but doesn't make for me. I've been dragging myself to the kitchen, cleaning after myself and trying to get something. Today I just can't. I'm in bed. I can't face climbing back up the stairs. Have eaten nothing since yesterday breakfast.
The only time he has come near was to ask if today was pe day or a uniform day.
I have to admit I'm feeling a bit neglected.
Am I being a princess when he is organising the kids and working? Should I woman up and look after myself?
I honestly think I might just ebb away up here and he would barely notice.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/03/2022 15:17

@allupsidedown

My friend is dropping round some foods I can eat. She also offered to pick the kids up from school.
At least someone cares about you!
Loopytiles · 15/03/2022 15:18

Again, he holds down a job. He can prioritise.

You are not a priority for him.

user1471538283 · 15/03/2022 15:21

I wouldn't treat a stranger like this. Picking up a little fruit and your medicine doesn't take long and makes all the difference to you. Its horrible being sick and feeling alone.

hangrylady · 15/03/2022 15:21

@BambinaJAS

So,

Your H is working FT and taking care of the kids while you are off sick.

And you are complaining?

He's not Super Man. Not sure why you expect him to do that plus cater to your needs to, specially when you are ill from covid (and likely still symptomatic).

Wow, you have very low standards. Women do do all this and more in many relationships.
Original poster
allupsidedown · 15/03/2022 15:23

@diddl

"The kids were very young and it was hard for him juggling but I really needed those clothes washed"

But he would be visiting you anyway regularly & no doubt there was washing at home that needed doing that yours was just added to?

Nope they visited just at the weekends as he worked until 6 then needed to get the kids home, fed and in their beds. I had never been away from the baby at that point so it was awful for both of us. Anyway... he has never done that in subsequent hospital stays. He did learn...I just presumed it would be obvious that I would need things. I also pack a lot of stuff now like the good girl guide I was.
OP posts:
hangrylady · 15/03/2022 15:25

@BambinaJAS

Men are not telepathic.

If OP wants her H to cook for her too, she could have simply asked him.

Are women telepathic then? Because you can bet your last fiver that if it was the other way round OPs husband would have his meals cooked and his medicine collected.
LottyD32 · 15/03/2022 15:27

@BambinaJAS

So,

Your H is working FT and taking care of the kids while you are off sick.

And you are complaining?

He's not Super Man. Not sure why you expect him to do that plus cater to your needs to, specially when you are ill from covid (and likely still symptomatic).

Err, women can manage it Confused
diddl · 15/03/2022 15:27

"I just presumed it would be obvious that I would need things."

Well yes!

If he couldn't do it he could have organised someone else to!

Original poster
allupsidedown · 15/03/2022 15:28

@HairyDad

He doesn't sound very supportive or thoughtful. When you are better, talk about it with him. These things are sometimes a sign that all is not well in a relationship. I had this with my ex-wife; she was totally not bothered about whether I was there or not, showed no interest in me, and never thought about even leaving a light on if I was coming home late (that sort of thing). Try to talk about it sooner than later, and that might open up more conversation as to what the problem really is.

Or he could just be a thoughtless person who means no harm, but constantly needs telling what do do otherwise it doesn't get done!

Yes, I will talk to him. He just needs to have everything explained to him. It isn't that he doesn't care. He just sort of goes into himself when I actually need him to step up. He panics then makes, in my opinion, the wrong choices. It just gets very tiresome going through every scenario and right now I haven't the energy.
OP posts:
sillysmiles · 15/03/2022 15:29

He did learn...I just presumed it would be obvious that I would need things. I also pack a lot of stuff now like the good girl guide I was

It is obvious that you need things but I think it is probably less that he has gotten better and more that you have subconsciously or consciously realised you can't depend on him and are more prepared for hospital visits. The reason you were caught short this time being that you are dealing with 2 conditions.

sillysmiles · 15/03/2022 15:31

It isn't that he doesn't care. He just sort of goes into himself when I actually need him to step up. He panics.......

You realise you are making excuses for him, don't you?

Hope you feel better soon.

FrangipaniBlue · 15/03/2022 15:32

@BitOutOfPractice

Are there actually grown, functioning adults on this site who think it’s too much hassle and trouble to check in on your life partner, three times a day, to say “hey, how are you? Is there anything I can get you?” Do you really have such low expectations of your partners? I actually feel sorry for people who’s relationships are that much of an effort.
It would seem so......

I'm currently laid up with an injury, last night DH came in from work and walked the dog (he knew I hadn't all day because I physically can't), made tea for the household, washed up and later on made me a cuppa. Guess what? He did it all of his own volition I DIDNT EVEN HAVE TO ASK!!! *shocker

Today he's text to ask how I am and then rang to ask if I needed anything bought at the shops on his way home.

THIS IS HOW CONSIDERATE ADULTS BEHAVE

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2022 15:42

Yes, I will talk to him. He just needs to have everything explained to him. It isn't that he doesn't care. He just sort of goes into himself when I actually need him to step up. He panics then makes, in my opinion, the wrong choices

The excuses you make for this man are unbelievable. His "panic" is deliberate because he knows you'll just do everything for him when he "falls apart." You are his mummy in this relationship, not his wife, and your marriage is in the state it is because you have allowed him to be absolutely useless. What a horrible example for your kids. If your current situation doesn't force you to make some massive changes in how you deal with your husband, nothing will. I sincerely hope that from this day forward you absolutely refuse to be neglected and taken advantage of.

TibetanTerrah · 15/03/2022 15:56

He just needs to have everything explained to him. It isn't that he doesn't care.

I had to say this but you are lying to yourself. Somehow, miraculously, he manages to not "panic" and "fall apart" at work presumably because he does care about that. He just doesn't care about you.

I know you're worn out and don't want to face the reality right now, but he doesn't care about you. Stupid selfish man is too thick to realise that putting off getting your medication would get you back on your feet more quickly, because his priority is punishing you for getting sick and making his life hard in the first place.

Wren44 · 15/03/2022 15:57

Can’t believe some of the comments regarding this. If this was the other way round he would have been looked after by the OP, no matter how tired, stressed or exhausted she would have probably been. This is one of those situations when OP needs her husband the most. She is sick but he’s not looking after her. You don’t need to be a mind reader to know when to show empathy and help another person when they need it most.

NowEvenBetter · 15/03/2022 15:58

@BambinaJAS

So,

Your H is working FT and taking care of the kids while you are off sick.

And you are complaining?

He's not Super Man. Not sure why you expect him to do that plus cater to your needs to, specially when you are ill from covid (and likely still symptomatic).

Your standards are in the gutter.

OP from your posts you’re either saying your husband is of exceptionally low intellect, or, he doesn’t give a fuck about you.

BambinaJAS · 15/03/2022 16:10

Trying to get sympathy online I completely understand.

I just find it a bit of an overreaction. People seem to really be blowing this out of proportion (practically egging on a divorce).

Now, if you were sick and you still had to take care of the kids while H did...his own thing, that would be in my view grounds to really be upset (and you would be on solid ground).

This situation is a bit fuzzier. H is clearly helping, just not as much as she wants him too, but the communication of this did not seem specially good.

Also, if you have a long-term health condition (I do as well), might be worth pre-empting this situation by stocking up on the tinned peaches that you need.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2022 16:15

@BambinaJAS

Trying to get sympathy online I completely understand.

I just find it a bit of an overreaction. People seem to really be blowing this out of proportion (practically egging on a divorce).

Now, if you were sick and you still had to take care of the kids while H did...his own thing, that would be in my view grounds to really be upset (and you would be on solid ground).

This situation is a bit fuzzier. H is clearly helping, just not as much as she wants him too, but the communication of this did not seem specially good.

Also, if you have a long-term health condition (I do as well), might be worth pre-empting this situation by stocking up on the tinned peaches that you need.

It's tragic how low your expectations are. It's no wonder so many men get away with being absolutely useless, self-absorbed shits with women who think like you around.
ReadyToMoveIt · 15/03/2022 16:15

This situation is a bit fuzzier. H is clearly helping, just not as much as she wants him too, but the communication of this did not seem specially good

Why should it need communicating that she needs feeding?! It’s a basic human need. He knows the OP, he knows what she can stomach when she’s having a Crohn’s flare up, and presumably he knows that they don’t have those things in the house. I guess he also knows that it’s considered good practise to ask ill people how they’re feeling once or twice, or to check if they need anything. It’s not rocket science.

sillysmiles · 15/03/2022 16:22

This situation is a bit fuzzier. H is clearly helping, just not as much as she wants him too, but the communication of this did not seem specially good

But he isn't helping he is parenting - as is his responsibility. As her husband it is actually also his responsibility to care for her. But most husbands or decent humans to these things automatically when someone they care about is in need.

ReadyToMoveIt · 15/03/2022 16:24

And since when is feeding your own kids considered ‘helping’? No one ever calls it helping when I feed my own kids Grin

sillysmiles · 15/03/2022 16:24

@BambinaJAS I don't think anyone is advocating divorce, but asking the OP to recognise that she deserves better and is worthy of proper care from her husband and not to be made feel like an inconvenience.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/03/2022 16:30

@allupsidedown

I have asked him to get some things I fancy from the shop. He says he might have time to do it tomorrow. Why thank you! Don't be putting yourself out now. Hmm He knows that when I'm flaring I crave fruit and veg. But nothing greasy. He was making himself and the kids pie, chips and beans last night. He didn't make for me because he knew I wouldn't eat it. Trouble is he didn't think to get me anything else. I suggested a bag of steam fresh veg. But we have run out. I didn't realise that. I even had to ask his mum to go and get my medication as he said he didn't have time to nip to the pharmacy until the next day. The sooner I got it the better.
And this is the post that tells me he's not panicking, that he Just. Doesn't. Give. A. Fuck.

You're eating next to nothing and he "might have time to [get you something edible] tomorrow". And "I even had to ask his mum to go and get my medication as he said he didn't have time to nip to the pharmacy until the next day. The sooner I got it the better."

I would have read him the Riot Act by now. Once you're well enough you really, really need to do something similar. His behaviour is well beyond disorganised / panic / thoughtless or whatever other excuse you're reaching for.

DameHelena · 15/03/2022 16:31

He has form for just not being able to prioritise.
Oh, he's quite able. Does he struggle to 'prioritise' at work? No? Thought so.
He's a twat. It's called strategic incompetence.

Watchkeys · 15/03/2022 16:39

@allupsidedown

Has he ever accidentally prioritised you over something that should have taken precedence? Or are you always the thing that gets accidentally de-prioritised?