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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or should my husband be trying to help me?

140 replies

allupsidedown · 15/03/2022 12:27

I've got covid and I'm in the middle of a flare up of IBD. I've been struggling to eat because it hurts my stomach. It is also painful to move and I'm feeling very weak. I am able to drink but Yesterday I ate 1/4 of a bagel. I'm trying to stay in isolation so the rest of the household are fine.
My husband is acting like I don't exist. He prepares food for himself and the kids but doesn't make for me. I've been dragging myself to the kitchen, cleaning after myself and trying to get something. Today I just can't. I'm in bed. I can't face climbing back up the stairs. Have eaten nothing since yesterday breakfast.
The only time he has come near was to ask if today was pe day or a uniform day.
I have to admit I'm feeling a bit neglected.
Am I being a princess when he is organising the kids and working? Should I woman up and look after myself?
I honestly think I might just ebb away up here and he would barely notice.

OP posts:
daisyjgrey · 15/03/2022 14:44

It's no wonder so many men get away with shit behaviour with all this apologising for them women are doing. "How does he know she wants cooking for as well?" "He's not superman working and looking after the children, you can't expect him to realise you're also alive".

What utter bollocks.

ImAvingOops · 15/03/2022 14:46

It's not that difficult to nip to the chemist snd the corner shop. Women should not have to rely on their sisters or mil to do these things for them when they have a husband in the same house. Maybe he should take a morning off from work?

Loopytiles · 15/03/2022 14:46

This is awful.

He holds down a job so he CAN multitask. He is choosing to disregard your needs, at best. Horrible.

Loopytiles · 15/03/2022 14:47

Sad but useful wake up call that he doesn’t care about you enough to do basic things for you when you’re unwell. He doesn’t ‘have your back’.

hoorayandupsherises · 15/03/2022 14:51

I can't believe you have to ask if you're being unreasonable and I can't believe some of the answers. I am going to be charitable and hope that people answering just don't understand what a horrible illness Crohn's is.

Get your sister to bring some, OP. But remember exactly how he's treated you.

I don't even need to ask whether, if the roles were reversed, you'd treat him as he's treating you.

Original poster
allupsidedown · 15/03/2022 14:53

@BambinaJAS

Men are not telepathic.

If OP wants her H to cook for her too, she could have simply asked him.

I have asked him. He sighed like I was an inconvenience. I just feel sad that he hasn't even sent a text or even shouted up the stairs if I am needing anything. I know I am an adult but everyone needs a bit of care when they aren't feeling well. When I'm in a bad flair I always revert to the same foods. Saying those few items would be quite outing to those that know me. It is always the same foods. If I feel a flare coming I usually add them to the weekly shop but this flair came on suddenly because of covid. Otherwise I would have had this sorted for myself. Nothing fancy, actually most you would just need to open a tin. However, he has fed and watered my children and got them out the door so I can be grateful for that.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 14:56

Can you order an internet shop if he's not facilitating your needs?

justasoul · 15/03/2022 14:56

YANBU, OP. But as you can see from this thread people seem to struggle to empathise, or even sympathise, with illnesses they have little or no understanding of.

As a fellow IBD sufferer, one thing I have learned was to expect nothing from other people and if I need help I will always ask - it doesn’t make how your husband is treating you right, but at least you make clear what your expectations are. And if he can’t multitask, your well-being should be more important than work.

justasoul · 15/03/2022 14:59

Crossposted - I see you have asked. So he’s just a twat then. Sorry.

Brefugee · 15/03/2022 15:00

OP can you ask his mum to drop you off some things?

When you are recovered, in your shoes, i'd be inclined to stop cooking for him. Anything at all ever. Just forget he needs to eat to survive.

ReadyToMoveIt · 15/03/2022 15:01

However, he has fed and watered my children and got them out the door so I can be grateful for that

OP, you really don’t have to be ‘grateful’ for him meeting the basic care needs of his own children.

Loopytiles · 15/03/2022 15:03

Yes, FFS, he is doing basic parenting. You’re ‘grateful’ when he’s treating you like this?

HollowTalk · 15/03/2022 15:06

However, he has fed and watered my children and got them out the door so I can be grateful for that.

Are they his children, too?

He sounds absolutely useless and cruel, too. If you treated him like that I think he'd be very unhappy.

ScrambledSmegs · 15/03/2022 15:06

He's being an arsehole OP.

You know that 'in sickness and in health' bit in your vows? Not living up to it is he? I'd be inclined to have a good think about the state of my marriage in your position.

Original poster
allupsidedown · 15/03/2022 15:06

One of my friends has just heard through the local grapevine that I'm not well and asked if I need peaches! I should be on some kind of advert for tinned fruit!
He has form for just not being able to prioritise. I once ended up in hospital with a big flare. I took a case with a few pairs of pjs, undies and toiletries but ended up having to stay longer. If you have Crohn's, sometimes you have no option to change clothes regularly. I asked for a few days if he could nip in and collect my washing and bring me more clean ones. I nearly ended up wearing hospital gowns until a friend bought me pants.
The kids were very young and it was hard for him juggling but I really needed those clothes washed.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2022 15:07

However, he has fed and watered my children and got them out the door so I can be grateful for that.

I hope you're being sarcastic. Fuck that with being "grateful" for things he should be doing. He's their father, not some stranger off the street who you asked to help. Once you're better, you have got to make a change. The way you enable your husband is absolutely ridiculous. Start demanding that he act like a grown man or he can GTFO.

girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 15:08

Ok so he's regularly lazy and inconsiderate then?

Therealjudgejudy · 15/03/2022 15:08

Is he not the children's father?

sillysmiles · 15/03/2022 15:09

@allupsidedown he really has shown that you can't rely on him when you are sick.
That is a sad statement on him.

Innocenta · 15/03/2022 15:09

@allupsidedown god, I'm so sorry. You deserve to be treated better than this. I'm stunned he wouldn't see to your washing promptly.

During this illness, it truly is the bare minimum to bring you suitable food and drinks. Please ignore anyone who says otherwise.

Original poster
allupsidedown · 15/03/2022 15:10

@HollowTalk

However, he has fed and watered my children and got them out the door so I can be grateful for that.

Are they his children, too?

He sounds absolutely useless and cruel, too. If you treated him like that I think he'd be very unhappy.

Sorry I should have added Hmm as I was being sarcastic. They are his children too. He dotes on them but if I'm out of the game everything absolutely falls apart and his way of coping is to focus on work...which isn't entirely helpful to me or the kids.
OP posts:
Innocenta · 15/03/2022 15:11

@hoorayandupsherises Same re: shocked at responses. This thread is so saddening. Some people have no empathy at all for what OP is going through.

Original poster
allupsidedown · 15/03/2022 15:13

My friend is dropping round some foods I can eat. She also offered to pick the kids up from school.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/03/2022 15:14

"The kids were very young and it was hard for him juggling but I really needed those clothes washed"

But he would be visiting you anyway regularly & no doubt there was washing at home that needed doing that yours was just added to?

HairyDad · 15/03/2022 15:14

He doesn't sound very supportive or thoughtful. When you are better, talk about it with him. These things are sometimes a sign that all is not well in a relationship. I had this with my ex-wife; she was totally not bothered about whether I was there or not, showed no interest in me, and never thought about even leaving a light on if I was coming home late (that sort of thing). Try to talk about it sooner than later, and that might open up more conversation as to what the problem really is.

Or he could just be a thoughtless person who means no harm, but constantly needs telling what do do otherwise it doesn't get done!

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