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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or should my husband be trying to help me?

140 replies

allupsidedown · 15/03/2022 12:27

I've got covid and I'm in the middle of a flare up of IBD. I've been struggling to eat because it hurts my stomach. It is also painful to move and I'm feeling very weak. I am able to drink but Yesterday I ate 1/4 of a bagel. I'm trying to stay in isolation so the rest of the household are fine.
My husband is acting like I don't exist. He prepares food for himself and the kids but doesn't make for me. I've been dragging myself to the kitchen, cleaning after myself and trying to get something. Today I just can't. I'm in bed. I can't face climbing back up the stairs. Have eaten nothing since yesterday breakfast.
The only time he has come near was to ask if today was pe day or a uniform day.
I have to admit I'm feeling a bit neglected.
Am I being a princess when he is organising the kids and working? Should I woman up and look after myself?
I honestly think I might just ebb away up here and he would barely notice.

OP posts:
ohhooh · 15/03/2022 13:11

I'm 50:50 here - if he's working full time + caring on his own for the DC + trying to keep the house going without you, then that is a lot (especially when someone's used to sharing the load). I don't think not having time to pop to the shop to get things you fancy is the biggest issue - and making food that's easy and the kids will eat (even if it is food you won't eat) isn't a bad idea imo.

Maybe you want him to fuss a bit more, or give more effort - but you're isolating in your room so what realistically can he do? He probably doesn't want to catch covid and be unable to work / look after the DC.

Genuinely tell him exactly what you need and when, then there's no disparity between your expectations and reality - but tbh you sound like you've got a dressing gown of doom on!

TravellingFrom · 15/03/2022 13:11

Thanks, he just doesn't think and cannot multitask. I even heard the youngest having to ask him to get breakfast this morning. He is stressing and trying to ensure he doesn't get covid because he is busy with work.

Sorry but he is a twat.
‘Cannot multi task’ right…. Because when he is at work he is always concentrating on one and only task is he?
No what that means is
1- he has no idea how to do it (probably because he has never done it)
2- he doesn’t want to do it

Plus he is worried to get covid because he is busy at work?!?
I mean his work business is more important than you and your health. He cares more about his work than he does about you then?

You are too kind to him. No way he would accept to be treated like this by you if the roles were reversed.

TravellingFrom · 15/03/2022 13:13

@ohhooh I suspect the foods the OP fancy are basically what she thinks she will be able to eat Wo being in pain.

We’re not talking about something fancy as in really fancy when you could do with whatever else there is the house

(@allupsidedown just correct me I’d I’m wrong there)

sillysmiles · 15/03/2022 13:13

@BambinaJAS

So,

Your H is working FT and taking care of the kids while you are off sick.

And you are complaining?

He's not Super Man. Not sure why you expect him to do that plus cater to your needs to, specially when you are ill from covid (and likely still symptomatic).

The kids are in school, and how hard is to be considerate and care for your partner when they are sick. That whole "in sickness and in health thing" He is cooking/making food for himself and the kids anyway.

Why expect so little from men?

BambinaJAS · 15/03/2022 13:16

Men are not telepathic.

If OP wants her H to cook for her too, she could have simply asked him.

Weatherwax13 · 15/03/2022 13:17

Nobody says he has to be Superman so ignore PP.
He just needs to be a decent husband. Decent human being in fact.
It's really, really not bring a princess to expect him to buy medication and edible food for you.
And even, shockingly, check in and ask you how you're feeling.
I bet if roles were reversed you'd be doing everything he needed.
He sounds horrible.
I really hope you feel better soon.
In your position, I'd be telling him some fucking home truths once I was well enough.

ohhooh · 15/03/2022 13:18

@TravellingFrom well if it's then phrased as that (if it's being mentioned to DH!) rather than how it's phrased here. If my DH said "oh I fancy a peach" I'd do my best but if I was busy I wouldn't prioritise it - if they said "I can really only eat this" that's a different kettle of fish! Just my perception of reading the OPs posts.

Icenii · 15/03/2022 13:20

@BambinaJAS

So,

Your H is working FT and taking care of the kids while you are off sick.

And you are complaining?

He's not Super Man. Not sure why you expect him to do that plus cater to your needs to, specially when you are ill from covid (and likely still symptomatic).

Why do you have such low standards? Many people work full time, take care of kids plus stuff on top such as caring for elderly parents etc. This is not a big ask. Not at all. Especially if you are partners and have each others backs.
Weatherwax13 · 15/03/2022 13:21

*If OP wants her H to cook for her too, she could have simply asked him.
*
Wtf. Why the hell should she need to ask. An adult doing the cooking should automatically ask their sick partner what they can eat. No telepathy required

Hallmark1234 · 15/03/2022 13:22

You haven't eaten for 24 hours and he doesn't care!

Shocking behaviour from (D)H!

You can't make him care, but when you're better you need to talk!

midlifecrash · 15/03/2022 13:23

I hate your husband. Can’t believe someone would treat you like this when you’re ill

TravellingFrom · 15/03/2022 13:23

@BambinaJAS

Men are not telepathic.

If OP wants her H to cook for her too, she could have simply asked him.

What about the DH actually be caring and for HIM to ask her dwife who is doubly ill (covid+IBD) if she wants some food? And what type of food she wants/can eat? You know like any normal caring person?
billy1966 · 15/03/2022 13:25

So you have asked him for food and medicines and he has said he is busy, having already left you with no food.

What a truly awful man.
So selfish.

Have a long hard think about anything you do for him going forward.

What a selfish waster.

You poor woman.

gingerknobs · 15/03/2022 13:30

Wow! Why isn’t he feeding you? Not great to have someone with COVID in the kitchen spreading it about.

My OH looked after the kids, worked FT and has looked after me with Long Covid for over a year. He needed some pointers but didn’t let me starve FFS!

girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 13:30

@Weatherwax13

*If OP wants her H to cook for her too, she could have simply asked him. * Wtf. Why the hell should she need to ask. An adult doing the cooking should automatically ask their sick partner what they can eat. No telepathy required
She said she's struggling to eat because it hurts. If she's said the same to him he might be thinking she'll say when she's ready to eat.
diddl · 15/03/2022 13:32

Op not being able to just have what he is cooking puts a slightly different slant on it-but it's incredible that he didn't even ask what she would want!

If what Op wants isn't in the house & he's working-then surely he can only get it at the earliest opportunity?

TravellingFrom · 15/03/2022 13:34

[quote ohhooh]@TravellingFrom well if it's then phrased as that (if it's being mentioned to DH!) rather than how it's phrased here. If my DH said "oh I fancy a peach" I'd do my best but if I was busy I wouldn't prioritise it - if they said "I can really only eat this" that's a different kettle of fish! Just my perception of reading the OPs posts. [/quote]
That’s because in world, when someone is unwell enough to not eat for 24 hours because they can’t face going back up the stairs, then they are also not the type of person who will ask for something special just for the sake of it.
That’s also because when I have someone in front of me with IBD, I am aware that some foods can be huge triggers for the pain. Which the DH will KNOW for the simple facts that I’m sure that the OP has been ill with IBD before and therefore he will have seen first hand the i pact it has on her.

I don’t think it’s that hard if you put posts into the context of the thread instead of taking bits in isolation

Cakecakecheese · 15/03/2022 13:34

I bet the OP is expected to be superwoman most of the time. All she wants is a tin of peaches, she's not even asking for a proper meal!

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2022 13:39

@allupsidedown

Thanks, he just doesn't think and cannot multitask. I even heard the youngest having to ask him to get breakfast this morning. He is stressing and trying to ensure he doesn't get covid because he is busy with work. But I like to think I matter at least a little bit too. He is very used to me taking charge, organising everyone and everything. The last I looked on the lounge it was as if we had been burgled. I've only been up in the bedroom a couple of days. Confused I will ask him to make me something. The trouble is with my Crohns im not able to eat much and he sees little point in making food for me to waste it. I'd love a deliveroo but we are too rural. I might ask my sister to drop off heaps of tins of peaches and mandarins. I can definitely eat those. It is what I fancy really!
Is your husband an adult?

I really do despair of people at times. How does he cope at work?

girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 13:41

@Cakecakecheese

I bet the OP is expected to be superwoman most of the time. All she wants is a tin of peaches, she's not even asking for a proper meal!
He can't get her a tin of peaches if there's none in the cupboard and he's working.
Boysnme · 15/03/2022 13:41

@BambinaJAS

So,

Your H is working FT and taking care of the kids while you are off sick.

And you are complaining?

He's not Super Man. Not sure why you expect him to do that plus cater to your needs to, specially when you are ill from covid (and likely still symptomatic).

She’s asking him to do some absolute bare essentials for her. She’s not expecting a gourmet 3 course dinner.
Inkyblue123 · 15/03/2022 13:44

You are being precious. Tell him what you want and enjoy a bit of peace and quiet.

LannieDuck · 15/03/2022 13:47

@BambinaJAS

So,

Your H is working FT and taking care of the kids while you are off sick.

And you are complaining?

He's not Super Man. Not sure why you expect him to do that plus cater to your needs to, specially when you are ill from covid (and likely still symptomatic).

She's asking for his help so she can have something to eat and take her medication. That's pretty much the bare minimum.

OP - perhaps ask him to think about what he'd want you to do for him if the position were reversed and he was stuck in his room for a week. I imagine some food to eat would be a no-brainer...

diddl · 15/03/2022 13:49

If he's taking the kids to/from school-can he not pick up medication/food then?

Hanooooooo · 15/03/2022 13:50

This is really sad, I'm so sorry for you. You deserve so much better than this and I bet if your husband was bed bound, you would be looking after him. He can't even do the bare minimum of making sure you don't starve or have your medication - let alone comforting you, bringing you nice drinks and generally being a supportive partner.

How long have you been together and has he always been so careless?