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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or should my husband be trying to help me?

140 replies

allupsidedown · 15/03/2022 12:27

I've got covid and I'm in the middle of a flare up of IBD. I've been struggling to eat because it hurts my stomach. It is also painful to move and I'm feeling very weak. I am able to drink but Yesterday I ate 1/4 of a bagel. I'm trying to stay in isolation so the rest of the household are fine.
My husband is acting like I don't exist. He prepares food for himself and the kids but doesn't make for me. I've been dragging myself to the kitchen, cleaning after myself and trying to get something. Today I just can't. I'm in bed. I can't face climbing back up the stairs. Have eaten nothing since yesterday breakfast.
The only time he has come near was to ask if today was pe day or a uniform day.
I have to admit I'm feeling a bit neglected.
Am I being a princess when he is organising the kids and working? Should I woman up and look after myself?
I honestly think I might just ebb away up here and he would barely notice.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 15/03/2022 14:02

What an absolute bastard. I hope you're soon better. I hope he catches it and you neglect him extensively. Then leave him.

Princessy? This is basic care.

SartresSoul · 15/03/2022 14:05

I feel so sad for you, your husband is a selfish wanker. I’d use this as a major wake up call and I’d be questioning the marriage. Sometimes we’re all a bit thoughtless and I’m sure he’s got a lot going on at work but he hasn’t even given you a second thought when you’re sick and that is not ok.

ChinstrapBobblehat · 15/03/2022 14:07

He is punishing you for being ill. By avoiding you, forcing you to fend for yourself, not considering even your most basic needs (food ffs!) and generally being a useless prick, he is letting you know how much your illness is inconveniencing him.

I used to have this, plus a side helping of utter bile and fury directed at me for daring to be unwell and impacting his life. This (amongst many other things) almost ended my marriage.

My DH has since very much reframed his approach to taking care of me, and when I was extremely ill before Christmas and physically unable to do anything for myself, he was totally brilliant.

You need to re-educate your husband about the meaning of partnership and the importance of kindness. He’s being a fucking twat.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 15/03/2022 14:11

@girlmom21 if there's no cereal in the house and he's working so the kids just go without? Or him? He's the only functioning adult at present that means he needs to cater for the household. Including medication and suitable food for his sick wife.

Scattyhattie · 15/03/2022 14:12

Is he not even bringing you some drinks to same floor if not room if knows it's a struggle for you to get to kitchen?

I would certainly prioritize a sick person being able to eat something & it's not your fault have specific dietary needs. I'd at least try call in a favour if really wasn't able to get to shop sooner myself. God you'd probably get more favourable response if asked strangers on local FB to drop you some tins.

ReadyToMoveIt · 15/03/2022 14:13

@BambinaJAS

So,

Your H is working FT and taking care of the kids while you are off sick.

And you are complaining?

He's not Super Man. Not sure why you expect him to do that plus cater to your needs to, specially when you are ill from covid (and likely still symptomatic).

Gosh, some people have low standards.

I am currently ill in bed (not covid). DH is sorting the kids, including sleeping in with the 3 year old so he doesn’t disturb me at night, working full time and feeding me with whatever I fancy to get my strength up. Just like I’d do for him in the same situation.

girlmom21 · 15/03/2022 14:13

[quote Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov]@girlmom21 if there's no cereal in the house and he's working so the kids just go without? Or him? He's the only functioning adult at present that means he needs to cater for the household. Including medication and suitable food for his sick wife.[/quote]
Well he'd get it when he had time - like he's said he'll do with the peaches. In the meantime they can have toast if there's no cereal.

Tinned peaches is a pretty specific request. I'd hazard a guess there's other food in the house Op could eat.

Giggorata · 15/03/2022 14:14

I don't think that being unable to multi task/going to work FT/caring for one's own children/not being very good at cooking, etc are any excuse for giving someone who is ill NO care.

Please show him this thread, if he hasn't copped on that someone he is supposed to love needs basic care when they are ill and in pain. Actually, he shoulda be giving you a great deal more than just the bare minimum, but I see you're not even getting that.
Disgraceful.

On a practical level (and you shouldn't have to) write him a list of tasks that need doing, so that the kids don't have to remind him they need food and basic care, and add your needs to it, so it's all there.

Get well soon, OP, and then you can give him the talking to he deserves.

Giggorata · 15/03/2022 14:15

Shoulda? Autocorrect has given me a new accent!

gamerchick · 15/03/2022 14:18

@BambinaJAS

Men are not telepathic.

If OP wants her H to cook for her too, she could have simply asked him.

What the hell is wrong with people who can just put a poorly person in the same house out of their mind and don't think they need feeding? Hmm I pity the partners and kids of those people.
Franklyfrost · 15/03/2022 14:21

Tell him what you want. When I’m sick I just want to be left alone and he might be similar. It’s a bit confusing that you want to be fed but also can’t eat.

You need water, food, medicine and rest. These things he should provide. Ask him for the foods you need, not treat foods, but what you need to eat. Ignore the mess downstairs right now. Ideally when you’re better you’ll both sort it.

I was talking to a friend yesterday who is in the opposite situation. He dp is ill and she hates sees her husband upstairs watching Netflix while she’s downing doing everything. She understand he needs to rest but it’s hard on the one left standing too.

Franklyfrost · 15/03/2022 14:21

And get well soon Flowers

LittleOwl153 · 15/03/2022 14:23

Clearly your husband is not used to coping alone - so perhaps currently getting on top of the kids and attempting to make sure they are in school fed etc, is a battle for him. You need to challenge this in the future once you are back on your feet. Make him do more. Have shared calendars etc. As it is wrong that he is not capable of supporting you too. And he absolutely should make sure you have access to meds/food - leaving that till tomorrow was just plain wrong.

In the meantime, I'd make a shopping list and see if your sister or whoever could drop stuff in that you can eat - as clearly that is top priority. Maybe include stuff you can have where you are like tinned fruit.

If you are brain functioning rather than body functioning could you message him a list of what needs to be done today...

Kids need breakfast and to be at school for 845 in PE kit.
Lunch? Pay at school? Put 2 slices of bread plus a banana in a bag for me and leave on the landing.
Pickup is 315, jenny has afterschool so pick up at 415.
Lucy at Brownies at church Hall at 6pm. She needs her uniform on which is in the wardrobe etc. She needs dinner before she goes. Etc...

I KNOW you shouldn't have to spoon feed him... but I would probably have to for my dh if I was out for any length of time (I have one with SEN/disability so a bit different). And if you can do some of the brain stuff without it impacting your recovery it might make it easier for him to do more of the practical stuff.

ReadyToMoveIt · 15/03/2022 14:25

She understand he needs to rest but it’s hard on the one left standing too

Hardly the fault of the ill person though is it? I’m sure the OP would rather not have covid and Crohn’s.

Watchkeys · 15/03/2022 14:28

Make your own 'shoulds', OP, rather than asking other people what 'should' be happening in your own household. Remove the self judgement. If you want it like xyz, and he neglects to even acknowledge you, how does that make you feel? If it makes you feel rubbish, then tell him that. If he doesn't respond in a way that makes you feel less rubbish, he's got no respect for your feelings. And if that's the case, it puts the whole relationship in question.

But forget the 'Is it just me' bit. Yes, it's you. That doesn't mean you have to dismiss it: it means you have to respect it. That's self respect.

1forAll74 · 15/03/2022 14:29

Just ask him to get a few things that you fancy, and then go and rest, then he can do what he wants. I wouldn't wan't anyome to fuss over me if I was a bit ill.

sillysmiles · 15/03/2022 14:31

@BambinaJAS

Men are not telepathic.

If OP wants her H to cook for her too, she could have simply asked him.

WTAF? She is sick in bed. Where does he think she is going to get food if he doesn't bring it. She shouldn't have to ask, as in most relationships, if one person is sick the other takes care of them.
ReadyToMoveIt · 15/03/2022 14:33

@1forAll74

Just ask him to get a few things that you fancy, and then go and rest, then he can do what he wants. I wouldn't wan't anyome to fuss over me if I was a bit ill.
She says she’s asked for the things she fancies and he’s said tomorrow because he’s too busy.
ReadyToMoveIt · 15/03/2022 14:34

And also, you might not want fuss when you’re ‘a bit ill’ (have you any experience of Crohn’s?), but you’re not the OP.

Brefugee · 15/03/2022 14:35

Gosh, hope you feel better soon OP

And the "setting the lowest possible bar for men" brigade should pack it in. FFS.

DaggerIsle · 15/03/2022 14:38

It appears that some of the posters are not even reading the thread.
She can't eat regular food as she has IBD (on top of Covid) she's asked for food that she can actually eat, and he said he would get it... tomorrow.
Cooked for the kids but not for her as he knew she couldn't eat what he was cooking. The fact that there is nothing for her doesn't seem to bother him too much.
She had to ask her MIL to collect her medication because he was 'too busy'!

What a prince. Hmm

Can't believe some posters think it's fine and the poor darling is doing her best.

OP just hurry and get better. Then you can feed yourself and tidy the house too. Yay for you.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/03/2022 14:39

Are there actually grown, functioning adults on this site who think it’s too much hassle and trouble to check in on your life partner, three times a day, to say “hey, how are you? Is there anything I can get you?” Do you really have such low expectations of your partners? I actually feel sorry for people who’s relationships are that much of an effort.

DaggerIsle · 15/03/2022 14:39

Should have said poor darling is doing his best.

DaggerIsle · 15/03/2022 14:41

It appears that on MN if one is sick one should ride it out without food or medicine so as not to bother one's partner, as he will be too busy have to just... survive?
If one is super lucky, said partner might call his mother to help out.

Bookworm20 · 15/03/2022 14:44

@BambinaJAS

So,

Your H is working FT and taking care of the kids while you are off sick.

And you are complaining?

He's not Super Man. Not sure why you expect him to do that plus cater to your needs to, specially when you are ill from covid (and likely still symptomatic).

WTAF

She wants a tin of fucking peaches. or mandarins. Or some veg because thats all she can eat comfortably when she has a flare up.
He is married to her, HE KNOWS THIS and yet he doesn't have time?

And I work FT, take care of the dc and the home and when my DP was ill, guess what? I asked him on a regular basis what he needed!
And if he required medicine or something from the shop, I went and got it.

Because thats what you do when one part of your team is ill! You bloody well step up.

Op, I am so sorry you have such a crap uncaring DH. You shouldn't have to tell him you need to eat ffs! And what job does he do that takes up 24 hours of the day exactly? Unless you're 2 hours drive away from the nearest shop, he can find time to go and get you a can of fucking peaches.

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