Grannie feeling a little left out.

[Hall35]

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

You say you stuck to everything they asked you to do - what exactly did they ask you?

This

There’s some context missing here, that might help unravel what’s gone on. Was it your son or DiL who you spoke to, what did you ask exactly, and ‘patient’ with whom or until when? How did you respond?

and this.

Loads of very interesting, honest and insightful replies here. But having read the whole thread the two questions above are what springs to my mind.

Everyone will have their own opinions and experiences but at the end of the day one of these two things is the truth:
a) The son and his wife are cruel and 'orrible (and this has been suggested quite often here)
or
b) Something has been said/done by OP which needs addressing.

Which is more likely?

OP says until baby came along her relationship with DIL was lovely. OP writes well and makes a good account of herself, but i can well imagine my xmil would have said all the same things and had everyone scratching their heads over what's wrong ...

Without both sides it's going to be very hard to get to the nitty gritty of this.

One last thing; when you say you are invited 3 times a week - who is doing the inviting? How is it done? Are both your son and DIL there when you come round?

See - my DH is a great one for, when his mum asks when they'll see us again (they have a long drive to see us) saying ohhhh yeah, yeah come over this weekend. And she goes ooh lovely!! And she plans it all out. And he's forgotten we were out/busy/got building work plans/he's working/he intended to do nothing at all 'cos he's knackered. And there we are 15 mins after the phone call and he's saying ''oh bloody hell i wish i hadn't told mum and dad to come this weekend .... He does it all the bloody time. But he wont cancel. And then they probably feel we don't want to really see them because we're flying around trying to do all the things we had to do.

sorry that was so long. but this stuff is so complicated and nuanced. To sum up - You should talk to your son.

All these comments about Maternal vs Paternal grandparents being treated differently. It really shouldn’t be a competition and by making it one it only puts more pressure on the parents. In my experience it’s just about who your son and daughter are collectively more comfortable around and better at communicating any issues with and who makes most effort to see their parents. IME it’s not a MIL DIL issue it’s usually a Mother Son issue.

As a soon-to-be mum, the amount of (automatic) DIL bashing on MN is awful - I don't doubt there are individual circumstances, but would remind MILs that your DS are in a relationship with DIL and therefore largely party to decisions being made regarding upbringing of DGC

You’re reading a different MN to me. DiLs get overwhelming sympathy and MiLs are the spawn of the devil on the MN I read.

My BIL and his wife did this. My lovely PIL (genuinely lovely and generous people, have treated me and his wife very well as incomers to the family) weren't allowed near the baby apart from a distance, asked to wash up every time they went round, made to feel really unwelcome, every invite out was refused and they cut back on visits. We had our first not long after with a completely different attitude - I'd give my kids to the childcatcher if I thought I could get a cup of tea in peace. Now the DC are 3/4yo they're moaning that they don't get any baby sitting and can't have a night away.

@Bornsloppy what was the reason? Did you ever find out? Are they just simply weird/nasty people, your BIL and his wife? Or was there something which started it?

@Blossomtoes

As a soon-to-be mum, the amount of (automatic) DIL bashing on MN is awful - I don't doubt there are individual circumstances, but would remind MILs that your DS are in a relationship with DIL and therefore largely party to decisions being made regarding upbringing of DGC

You’re reading a different MN to me. DiLs get overwhelming sympathy and MiLs are the spawn of the devil on the MN I read.

This…absolutely shocking comments on MN regarding MIL every single day ! All these nasty precious mothers need to remember that if you have sons ,one day you will be that MIL ! Can honestly say that I don’t have any friends IRL who are so awful about their MIL …very strange.

@Clymene

"Did she ever drop or injure any of your children though?

I mean I was absurdly cringily precious when my pfb was small but I did in time realise how utterly ridiculous I had been."

Yes, she did inadvertently hurt my first DC a couple of times. Obviously she didn't mean to and she was very upset she had. But she wouldn't take ANY suggestions on how to change position, pick them up etc. It was all very much "well, I wasn't doing anything wrong" and hurt feelings. After the first couple of incidents we had to step in. She has also told many 'hilarious' stories of near misses that happened when I was a child (leaving a vaporiser unattended and coming back after a while to find me in a room full of smoke for example 😬) No one is perfect, I'm certainly not, and I love my Mom dearly...but she wasn't careful enough with the DC and has at times made some really bad decisions. She was/is also atrocious at crossing roads safely - her trying to wrest the pram off me and push it into oncoming traffic is a particularly horrifying memory!
The DC are much older now and she has a wonderful relationship with them...but if they ever go out anywhere with her, then they are the ones in charge of road safety as they are eminently more sensible 😁

I'm going with either the perfume theory, or that although they like and love you (as evidenced by you being invited over), something you're doing around the baby is making them uncomfortable with you holding her/him.

My DM wears the same perfume she always has but as she's got older her sense of smell has dimmed a bit and the last time she visited I found the smell of her perfume really intrusive - she sprayed so much of it it that after she left it the house and my car absolutely stunk of it for days, it was horrible.

Like others the way you describe yourself as being experienced and respected makes me think that perhaps you're being a bit overbearing without realising. I don't have DCs myself but I can easily imagine a situation where a family member clearly is on the edge of their seat waiting to 'take over' my baby and how I would feel about that - my instinctive reaction would be 'no, he / she is mine, hands off', whether that's reasonable or not. Whereas people who are more relaxed about it would be offered a hold or a cuddle, if that makes sense. There's something about the desperation / longing that I would find very uncomfortable and offputting.

@Blossomtoes

As a soon-to-be mum, the amount of (automatic) DIL bashing on MN is awful - I don't doubt there are individual circumstances, but would remind MILs that your DS are in a relationship with DIL and therefore largely party to decisions being made regarding upbringing of DGC

You’re reading a different MN to me. DiLs get overwhelming sympathy and MiLs are the spawn of the devil on the MN I read.

Before I get hounded, that is fair. I have seen a fair share of MIL bashing threads on MN too.

However in the context of this thread, a number of replies have assumed this is a DIL issue, which the OP hasn't given any reason to suggest.

As others have said, OP really needs to speak to her son.

[quote Laiste]**@Bornsloppy what was the reason? Did you ever find out? Are they just simply weird/nasty people, your BIL and his wife? Or was there something which started it?[/quote]
I really dont buy the wierd/ nasty people line.
Thats called" Splitting" in psychology.
Sorting people into ( I get my own way) good or ( they put boundaries in place over my behaviour) bad.
Its a mismatch in expectations of how the relationship will change once a baby comes along.
Boundaries are usually put in place as firmly as this when someone has massively overstepped them.
Parents are the experts with their baby, not anyone else.
All the child care expert business is redundant unless they are asking you for advice.
Disrupting a routine is selfish, it means a tired baby with parents dealing with the fall out later.
Its not helpful to them, its annoying.

If they’re inviting you over several times a week they’re hardly excluding you!

And as others have said there’s some context missing here. Last time you asked they said you needed to be patient. Then they asked you to come round several times a week so that your GC could get used to you. It sounds to be like they really want you to have a relationship with your GC but there’s been some sort of issue to resolve. What is it? Has your DIL had PND/PNA?

I'd say a few times a week is way too much! I take it this is your son and his wife? His wife will be closer with her own mother of course.
This new mother likely has protective issues that are difficult for her to let other people in. I'd just take my time and be patient with that. Do you have a set time you leave at or do you just stay until it seems you should go home?
In future it might help if you put a boundary around when you arrive and leave so you say 'I'll be over at around 4pm for an hour I'll be leaving at 5pm'. And then do as you say.

Things my MIL did was take the baby and not give them back when they were crying. If I said 'could you put her coat on it's cold' I'd get back 'it's not that bad out there she'll be fine'.
MIL would take the baby and kind of waltz off into the other room. I'd be making a bottle then turn around the bottle would be gone because MIL would have snatched it up and lifted the baby out of the carry cot. If she hadn't been like that I'd probably have been more relaxed. I just sensed she 'wanted' my baby a lot and that drew out my protective instincts. Not saying you do any of those things but they were things I found difficult!

@Mariposista

I feel how hurt you are OP, and I feel really sorry for you. Sadly, rather than analysing yourself (you sound like a lovely granny who just wants to be a part of new GC's life), this sounds like power play on your DIL's part. I'm in charge, all on my terms Bla Bla bla. Sadly so many young women are now like that, and it's anything to get one over on their MIL. I'm so sorry, I had a brilliant, close bond with my own grandmother, saw her almost every day, and I'd love my own kids to have that.

Really? @Mariposista? I don’t think that is a fair assessment of ‘many’ young women and I wonder how many new parents you come across to be able to make this assessment? To assume a power play in a new first time parent, specifically the DiL (no doubt the men don’t get tarred with the same brush) is unfair. Perhaps she is struggling; the comment about anxiety is likely to be very telling. Perhaps she has PND, perhaps she is grappling with new motherhood and she’s feeling out of control and inadequate in the face of OP’s experience and fluency with babies?

Whatever the reason I do agree with Mariposista that analysing your every move @Hall35 is probably not going to help and it’s likely nothing you’ve done if you’ve previously had a good relationship with your DiL. If she is struggling she may find it easier to be around her own parents and it’s really not personal. The rules might be an attempt to bring some control to a situation that can feel pretty overwhelming, again, not personal.

I think in your shoes I’d just step back a touch. Stop dropping everything when you get the call to visit, stay a little less long than you’re invited to, focus on the parents not the baby during a visit. You sound like the most wonderful enthusiastic loving granny who will have a great relationship with your GC but for now you are going to have to sit on your hands and wait for things to settle down. There’s no reason why you can’t have an equally strong bond with your GC in time.

OP some new parents are like this. I´m sorry you´re going through this. My mum and my MIL could pick up baby if they so liked, no problems. My mum brought up two my MIL three so more qualified than me! A male friend of mine was telling me of his brother and sister in law who were like this to his mother. SIL was the precious one and husband went along with it so as not to upset wifey, as he confessed to brother. Hopefully this will change as the baby grows and they need favours. Your DIL will probably be starting a thread on MN in a few years time on how MIL has bonded with other GC and not with DIL´s and how awful MIL is...

‘ I'd give my kids to the childcatcher if I thought I could get a cup of tea in peace. ’

😀

@Bromse

You say this is your first grandchild, one grandchild, and then go on talking about them and they. I'm confused by that. I'm sorry you feel hurt but if you go around a few times a week, at your grandchild's parents suggestion, you see the child quite a lot compared to most people..

I'd just leave things as they are for now. Don't be over the top about wanting to cuddle, feed, etc, that could be a bit much and makes you appear obsessive and desperate. When he or she is a bit older the situation will be different but for now, calm down and don't feel as though you are in competition with the other grandmother. You don't know the ins and outs of that relationship.

OP is very obviously not mentioning the baby’s sex. She’s also using ‘they’ about the kids parents, so it is a bit of a mess to try to read. No need for arguments, just ask your son.

@Calamityjane1987

I think something has happened or you’re making them feel a certain way. My MIL would probably write as you are, with complete unawareness of the tension she brings to our house. She sits in my personal space, watches my every move with my children and questions their diet, how we comfort them, their routines, hesitates to hand them back when I ask for them and hovers with this nervous and frantic energy to pick them up. It sets me and DH on edge and she is oblivious to how she comes across. Fortunately DH sees it and other family members have validated how difficult it must be. Covid was a blessing in disguise for our relationship with her, as it forced some space and we’ve now found a more comfortable length of time for visits and frequency.

I would take a step back on visits to fortnightly. Don’t make yourself so available - it might feel suffocating to them that you drop everything for the grandchild. It will make those visits more meaningful. Have other interests and things going on to talk about. Take the pressure off that relationship. And don’t fixate on holding the baby. Read books to them, sit on the floor next to them and play alongside. Don’t fixate on having them on your lap. Sitting in the company of someone who you know is looking for every opportunity to pick your child up is unrelaxing. As a mum I just want relatives and friends to enjoy watching my child at play and play alongside them, not be looking sad on the sofa because I hadn’t passed my crawling and wriggly 6 month old to be held against their will.

I’m not saying you are doing those things. I also think it’s a great idea to speak to your son and just say that you’re sensing something isn’t right, is there something you can do to make your visits more comfortable? I wish my MIL would have asked that early on.

Yep, the lack of personal space, the hovering, the questioning, the intensity, the “nervous and frantic energy” (great description!) - that’s my mother. She lives abroad though or we would drive each other mad.

Who’s doing the inviting, has your DS said “come round Mum at anytime” or is it your DIL inviting round on all these occasions?

I just sensed she 'wanted' my baby a lot and that drew out my protective instincts.
Funny, I was the opposite with my MIL. I remember when he was one day old she was sitting in the hospital chair holding him and just gazing at him like he was her entire world. This was after hanging back a few minutes on their first visit the day before, because she said my mum should get to meet him first and they had all arrived at once. I always liked her, and they welcomed me into the family with open arms, but I didn't I truly love her until we shared that all-consuming love for DS. She's irritated me on a few occasions over the years of course and I'm sure I've annoyed her many times, that's life, we talk about it or move on. I don't think it's always a primal instinct to push people away who are in-laws, I think it all depends on individuals.

I broached this briefly before and was told I just had to be patient.

patient for what? what were you waiting for?

@Calphurnia88

As a soon-to-be mum, the amount of (automatic) DIL bashing on MN is awful - I don't doubt there are individual circumstances, but would remind MILs that your DS are in a relationship with DIL and therefore largely party to decisions being made regarding upbringing of DGC.

As a first step OP, suggest speaking to your son about how your feeling and be direct e.g. you were allowed to hold DGC, now it feels you're not, what's changed?

Secondly, as others have said, visiting 'a few times a week' is a lot. I know you have been invited, but is this a long standing invite that needs to be reassessed now baby is 7mo? I imagine DS and DIL are probably feeling exhausted, but perhaps in a more established routine and maybe want some time to themselves (as you deserve too OP!).

The amount of DIL bashing on MN? Are you having a laugh. On MN DILs can do no wrong and it's always the fault of the MIL who must be doing something wrong. This thread is a perfect example.

[quote Laiste]**@Bornsloppy what was the reason? Did you ever find out? Are they just simply weird/nasty people, your BIL and his wife? Or was there something which started it?[/quote]
No idea. DH spoke to his brother and just got basically a shrug and "this is how we want it". I don't know if it was a problem that we had a baby not long after and had different boundaries so maybe there was a level of comparison? I thought they seemed to be coping really well with family life but then it all got weird and sad. I feel sorry for their DD because she misses out.

I think I would make myself less available to see them tbh. It's not doing anything for you, it's hurting you and not improving the situation.
Maybe your Son would pop in and see you sometimes if you are not at his house much.

I do wonder if it is your DS who is pushing you to visit and not your DIL. t seems odd that your invited but then baby is either asleep or your not allowed to hold them. I think DIL its likely resentful from having had you turning up and spending hours holding the baby in those early days. My MIL used to do that and i was left making food and drinks. Did you go round and help look after DIL post partum or were you just waiting to hold the baby. I truly dont believe anyone would want to have their MIL at their home three times a week every week post partum. Its all a bit odd and i dont think your being entirely honest.

Have you spoken to your DS? As that would be who i would be chatting with, I never understand why MIL always focus on the DIL and never speak to their own adult son.

Bit hard to follow in parts, op, where you’re referring to the baby as ‘they/them’ so I’m questioning how many babies? And also you refer, in the same sentence, to ‘they/them’ meaning the parents so it’s got a bit jumbled.