I feel like my MIL could have written this post- she would say she is excellent with children when in reality she’s actually very ott and it creates a stressful environment for everyone - i had PND and found her very hard to manage.
She used to be a teacher and so would say she was excellent with children but in actual fact she just is very overbearing - i really don’t like having her around that much because she riles the children up a lot (case in point when i came back from hospital with my second after a c section and was desperately trying to get a latch for bfeeding and she began to blare one song i hate on repeat whilst chasing my toddler around the room, knocking into me, climbing over me and just generally being incredibly over the top and every time i asked her to stop she would tell me that everything was in good fun and then a lecture on how my daughter needed attention too). i can accept that she wants a relationship with my children but it always felt very dismissive of anyone else’s feelings because she knew better.
She also fixated on my parents and would constantly ask questions like ‘do your parents like your children more than your siblings because you’re their daughter/do you think your children like them better than me’etc etc etc and would keep tabs on visits so that it felt so uncomfortable when she came round because she was trying to catch you out as to how much time had been spent with who…
She would always try and question/correct our
parenting, she felt we were very young when we had them (late 20s so no) and my husband would try to appease her by inviting her round. if she held the baby would always manage to wonder off into another room but it would always be for a reason e.g to look out the window so even if it wasn’t done maliciously it often felt it was.
My in laws are strange and the relationship
my husband has with them used to be incredibly codependent- i’m not saying this situation is anyway similar to yours but my husband would often feel stuck between how it made me feel and the responsibility he obviously felt to them- he’d invite them round not expecting to be taken up on it everytime and then be surprised when they did.
Personally i’d just talk to your son and ask him if everything’s ok, express how you feel (without focussing on how it all massively impacts you- remember there are other people involved and ultimately it’s not your child) and give them an opportunity to explain and if they do explain, listen and take it on board without arguing or trying to justify anything.