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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grannie feeling a little left out.

427 replies

Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:07

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

OP posts:
ohhooh · 15/03/2022 08:56

Reading this thread shows me exactly why so many DILs aren't big fans of their MILs - so many patronising and blaming posts!

OP, no one on here can tell you. Your posts come across (to me) as fairly needy and OTT. If the baby is 7 months old, you're going round multiple times per week etc then it could be overbearing. They might not like you. They might not like your parenting style. They might not like the way you hold the baby. Lord knows, but we don't. You can only politely ask them, all of the posts in the world here will only get more thoughts into your head about all the possible things you could have done wrong. Don't go in defensive, try to have an honest chat with your son or both parents. Be aware that you might not like the answer.

inheritancetrack · 15/03/2022 08:57

I'd just step back and carry on with your own life. You don't need to be in the child's life from day 1 Given time they will need some babysitting and will stop being quite so precious. If you have a good relationship with DIL before then I'm sure it will happen again.

GettingStuffed · 15/03/2022 08:58

I m a gran 6times over. My DGD would only be held by DS or DDiL and most of her family, whenever I was given her she would scream her nappy off. Roll forward 2 years and she's happy to hold my hand or sit on my lap. I realise that this was the baby's choice but lack of cuddles with a baby doesn't necessarily mean a bad relationship in future.

gingerhills · 15/03/2022 09:00

I would very gently ask them. Not in an accusatory way., but I would be very direct.

I'd say: I'm acutely aware that you won't let me hold the baby, and yet I know that their other grandma does. Obviously I find this heartbreaking as I would love to cuddle them. I've been tactful, hoping this phase will pass but it hasn't so I want you to be very honest with me and not spare my feelings: why have I become untouchable?

Satsumaeater · 15/03/2022 09:03

@inheritancetrack

I'd just step back and carry on with your own life. You don't need to be in the child's life from day 1 Given time they will need some babysitting and will stop being quite so precious. If you have a good relationship with DIL before then I'm sure it will happen again.
This - I was also going to post that they'll soon change their tune when they want babysitters!
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/03/2022 09:04

'A few times a week' is too much. That's every other day!

You sound very overbearing and intrusive. Let them get a handle on being parents themselves and then invite you in when they are ready. Instead of the whole I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children

You sound like a nightmare who barges in, and tells them what they should be doing.

Just back off, let them enjoy making mistakes, finding their way and inviting you back in when they are ready.

toomuchlaundry · 15/03/2022 09:06

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandyit appears that the OP is invited there a few times a week, she doesn’t invite herself

Dentistlakes · 15/03/2022 09:13

A few times a week does seem quite a lot, but I see they are inviting you so presumably they want you there that often?

I would back off completely op. Have something else on when they invite you next time, bring it down to once a week at the most. If I were you I wouldn’t visit for a couple of weeks and then gradually start visiting again, but no more than once a week.

It’s likely you haven’t done anything wrong but they might be feeling a bit overwhelmed. Leave them be for a while to sort themselves out.

Blossomtoes · 15/03/2022 09:14

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

'A few times a week' is too much. That's every other day!

You sound very overbearing and intrusive. Let them get a handle on being parents themselves and then invite you in when they are ready. Instead of the whole I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children

You sound like a nightmare who barges in, and tells them what they should be doing.

Just back off, let them enjoy making mistakes, finding their way and inviting you back in when they are ready.

You might want to try RTFT. OP says

Going round a few times a week was there suggestion not mine. Once a week is plenty when you have a busy life I think.

Hoolahoophop · 15/03/2022 09:18

I do know a new mum who has privately said to me she wants her own Mum to be favourite. Outwardly she ensures that both sets of GP get equal contact so that they are treated the same, but little things are different to try to promote her Mum as favourite. I knew a family like this when I was growing up as well, I was a teen when family friend started their family. All I can say is that in that case it backfired, the kids will choose who they bond with best and it may not be their mothers choice, and by limiting their interactions the kids pushed back. I have warned my friend now that her actions are not in the best interested of her children and long term may not be in her own, or her mothers best interests either. Could this be happening with you?

Hollywolly1 · 15/03/2022 09:19

There us so much covud everywhere and maybe afraid the baby will get it from you and while you can be a careful as you think people have covid and not even know they have it.
Do you bounce the baby up and down even doing it gently a parent may not like that.

Hollywolly1 · 15/03/2022 09:19

Covid not covud Shock

AintNoPartyLikeANumber10Party · 15/03/2022 09:19

@Hall35

I broached this briefly before and was told I just had to be patient. So now I'm in the position of if I bring it up again do I sound like a broken record?
There’s some context missing here, that might help unravel what’s gone on. Was it your son or DiL who you spoke to, what did you ask exactly, and ‘patient’ with whom or until when? How did you respond?

This might be a situation where it’s not about you or anything you’ve done. For example, Maybe your DiL has severe PN anxiety? That would explain ‘be patient’ ie it is a temporary, resolvable issue.

Or perhaps you did do something your son/DiL find objectionable, which of course you don’t have to tell MN, but then we can’t advise…

SartresSoul · 15/03/2022 09:19

Perhaps your DIL has PND and she’s struggling with people being around her baby or she may have anxiety and is worried about viruses. No idea, you should probably call your DS up and just ask whether you’ve offended them in some way.

Polyanthus2 · 15/03/2022 09:22

I would invite them round for a lovely roast dinner on Sunday. No pressure for cuddles - just do something nice for dil and Ds . Let them leave when they want.
My DD breast fed baby - I was cooking, shopping, cleaning - not much time for cuddles!

Fanacapan · 15/03/2022 09:23

I’ve been in your shoes! All I can say is just wait it out, by the time they have 3 they are begging you to take them! Seriously, it is a sad fact that usually DGC are closer to mums family, it was the case for me and my children, now as a mum to sons I’m seeing it from the other side. It will all come good in the end, it’s a bit of a popularity contest in the early weeks/months but it will settle down.

MotherofAutism · 15/03/2022 09:23

Aw how unbelievably cruel. Definitely ask why. Even if it's just asking your son

StringFellow · 15/03/2022 09:24

I think you’ll have to ask them again what the problem is so you know

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 15/03/2022 09:25

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

'A few times a week' is too much. That's every other day!

You sound very overbearing and intrusive. Let them get a handle on being parents themselves and then invite you in when they are ready. Instead of the whole I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children

You sound like a nightmare who barges in, and tells them what they should be doing.

Just back off, let them enjoy making mistakes, finding their way and inviting you back in when they are ready.

I think you need to read properly. OP is invited over by the parents, not herself. Quite frankly, the rude people in this are the parents. I cannot imagine letting my child's grandparent come over and not letting them hold him. It's really shitty.
LillianGish · 15/03/2022 09:25

@Lobelia123

You keep rubbing in how experienced you are with kids, how you know better than to do this or that, how you expressly follow all the steps they outline....you must be irritating her to death. Forget how competent and experienced you are and just relax and be a granny. You may be posturing like this entirely unconciously or maybe its part of your personality to be very competent, confident and take charge. Just back off and dim your lights for a bit. Shes the mum, its her new family and of course youre part of the wider adventure of the extended loving family, but maybe she feels your manner feels like its like youre trying to take charge? Most of us are not very self aware of how we come across to others and your confusion seems to maybe point to this. Just calm down a bit. You do sound a bit full on to be honest. I dont say this to be hurtful, but you have to find a middle way to be part of the next 20 years of family life, and unfortunately it syou who will have to fit in, not the other way around. Good luck, you sound like you have a good heart!
This is such good advice. I had a brilliant relationship with my MIL (now sadly no longer with us) and this post has put it into words perfectly. It’s about being part of the family - not being entirely focussed on the new baby. If you are around the time for cuddles will come soon enough, but organically rather than on demand. Inevitably the baby will sometimes be asleep when you go round - no one wants to wake a sleeping baby just so it can be on show. You are playing a long game here. You have to find a middle way to be part of the next 20 years of family life, and unfortunately it’s you who will have to fit in not the other way round.
Bearlover87 · 15/03/2022 09:33

@BottleBrushTree

Are you being a bit too demanding? All this talk about going over a few times EVERY WEEK, feeding the baby, obsessing about whether it’s awake or not so you can have cuddles, sounds extremely full on and very exhausting for new parents to have to manage. And also why do you think you’re entitled to “have it out with them” which insinuates they are completely in the wrong and you are entirely right. And then accusing them of inviting you around at nap times just so you can’t cuddle the baby is completely ridiculous, the baby is 7 months old, what is routine this week will be different a few weeks later ffs.

You need to chill. You’re not the baby’s parent, you are a grandmother who is being completely and utterly over the top.

But apparently they invite her over a few times a week. I think what you’ve said is a bit unfair. I can imagine that she would be overbearing if she was constantly on the phone to come over- but it doesn’t sound like it. I have a 7 month old and to be honest I know roughly when he will (hopefully) nap…it’s not like a newborn.
angstridden2 · 15/03/2022 09:34

PleaseBeSeated
perhaps it’s not her,perhaps you’re fabulous
Well obviously I am 😀Actually my dil is a kind and loving woman who I’d like to have as a friend even if she hadn’t been generous enough to marry my son! I do try to be respectful and not encroach, but I genuinely think she’s great. Threads like these make me sad for parents of boys, it shouldn’t have to be like this.

bitemyarsenic · 15/03/2022 09:36

I think if you are expressing being annoyed that its the babys naptime it will come across that you are trying to disrupt the babys routine for selfish reasons, you really expect the baby to miss out on naps so you get your cuddle Hmm
Your Op is scattered with "I" "Im".
Your S/DIL need to be respected as the experts with their own baby.
All the Im so experienced and Granny knows best comes across as overbearing.

Calphurnia88 · 15/03/2022 09:36

As a soon-to-be mum, the amount of (automatic) DIL bashing on MN is awful - I don't doubt there are individual circumstances, but would remind MILs that your DS are in a relationship with DIL and therefore largely party to decisions being made regarding upbringing of DGC.

As a first step OP, suggest speaking to your son about how your feeling and be direct e.g. you were allowed to hold DGC, now it feels you're not, what's changed?

Secondly, as others have said, visiting 'a few times a week' is a lot. I know you have been invited, but is this a long standing invite that needs to be reassessed now baby is 7mo? I imagine DS and DIL are probably feeling exhausted, but perhaps in a more established routine and maybe want some time to themselves (as you deserve too OP!).

SpaceshiptoMars · 15/03/2022 09:37

There are far fewer GC to go around these days than in the past. So the balance has changed - scarcity brings power to the holder of the scarce resource.

So, for your own sanity, you need to rebalance that. Find a job, a voluntary job, host a refugee, whatever. Become far too busy to run to your DS and DDils command. Send your practical love in a different direction, and your value to your DS will rise!

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