Grannie feeling a little left out.

[Hall35]

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

I would definitely be asking your son in a gentle way to tell you what is going on, so that you can fix/correct, if possible.

I would stop running over there at the drop of a hat.

Back off a little.
Give them space.

Check is the baby sleeping ok, if not, perhaps simply dropping a meal over and go.

You sound lovely, so the easiest way to find the truth could be just asking your son to be honest.

The baby going for sleepovers at her mothers and you not allowed to even hold the baby whilst visiting 3 times a week sounds controlling and very unkind.

It is very reasonable to simply ask your son why.

It's completely natural to want to cuddle your grandchildren. Could they be worried about covid? Do you see lots of other people and children and this is why they are worried? I naturally spend more time with my parents than my in laws and wouldn't want visitors several times a week from anyone tbh.
Could you not ask to take baby for a walk in her/his pram and see what they say? I would go to your son rather than approaching them both. He may be able to be honest as to what's wrong if he's on his own and put on the spot? Good luck x

I had similar with first GC. My advice is don't go running round when they call unless it is convenient to you, you can be too available and taken for granted.

It is unfortunate in many ways but that first GC lives with me as a teenager and I have to prod him to phone the other GM as their relationship isn't close at all. I won't even discuss his relationship with his parents.

@worriedatthistime

Some massive assumptions being made here Op has said she goes a couple times a week when requested/ asked she doesn't just rock up I see m cousins baby at the weekend I got cuddles and when they cried I said to then do you want her back to feed/ change etc But on here it seems many don't let others hold their babies even grandmothers

Agree …what is wrong with people and why so precious? I can remember being absolutely desperate to hand my baby to grandmas/friends so I could have my hands back ! I actively encouraged other people to take baby out in pram so I could have 20 mins to relax,have a coffee etc Thankfully my daughter is also chilled and have never felt unwelcome or made to feel awkward etc .

How awful for you! I would take a step back, self preservation.

It sounds like the baby is still very young.
I wouldn’t talk to your son about this, it has the potential to backfire and cause a rift.

To me it sounds like first time parents, maybe anxious.

I would also cut back the visits a little, don’t drop whatever you’re doing to go round.

When mine were babies my mil really irritated me (not her fault, but not mine either as I was awash with postpartum hormones!), but it passed.

Give them some time.

Hall35 Do you think maybe you are so good with Babe that DIL feels a bit worried? Being a new young Mum ,she wants to do everything right is you see what I mean .As others have said maybe just limit visits to one or two for a while .I get its hurtful ,however you say you had lots of cuddles when they were tiny .If they reach out to you she may feel a little upset .Hormones play a big part and she probably feels jealous even though its irrational .She is still finding her way .

@SushiRice

Honestly the preoccupation with the need to have "a cuddle" feels suffocating just from reading these messages.

What else is she supposed to do when over there? Completely ignore her grandchild?? It’s natural to want to hold the baby surely…?

I'd also say take a step back, let them realise that your support is much needed and appreciated.

I feel for you OP.

With the incident when the baby cried, were you at all reluctant about handing him back? You mentioned that you weren't given a chance to settle him. I'm wondering if you come over as a very confident in your abilities to deal with babies, so that they may feel that you present as "I know best" when they don't necessarily agree with your methods or it makes them feel inadequate.

Many posters have offered helpful insight & suggestions.

A few stand outs are:

You have got on well with your DiL, in these sleep deprived times of major adjustments, your DiL will understandably turn to her own parents for familiar comfort. Which is not to say that you cannot offer support & care, but it’s an immediate reflex intimacy to turn to your mum & dad for comfort & support.

Although you are invited, ease back a bit, get back into your own routine & pay attention to things that matter to you & bring you joy. Be less available, give them space & when you see them, be fabulous. Just let them miss you a bit.

It’s good idea to speak with your DS to find out how they are each are doing, offer support & ask what you can do. Be honest with him how you’d love to have a cuddle with baby as you did have such lovely cuddles with him at that age, but you realise that things are different when it is not your own baby. Share with him stories of your own experiences – it might help if his father chipped in with early Dad recollections, maybe even get out the baby pics. Keep this all very light & chatty, make it easy for them to share more with you as their lives open up.

Agree about the perfum.
You are used to it & may not appreciate how it lingers.

When the fog of early parenting lifts, they’ll remember what life was life & parents who baby sit or offer respite enough for a hot bath/nap/ read a book will be most welcome.

I would step back if I were you.

From what you have said, it doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong. I don't automatically hand back my grandson when he is crying. It has never been an issue. If it was an issue I would expect them to take him back or mention it, not block me out.

People are really reaching to find something that you have done wrong that justifies this. If you have done something wrong, then your son should let you know what it is.

You need to speak to your son alone and stop jumping every time they invite you around.

I hope you get to the bottom if it soon, but I would expect my son to have an adult conversation with me about this.

I agree just ask.

I’ve got a good relationship with my MIL and DM and I’d be happy if they asked to take the baby out or whatever. I don’t want them to miss out.

Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments
This bit stood out in your OP. There are many things that could be wrong. It's fine to say all the right things back to other posters, but if you want to know what's wrong in your case then you need to be honest with yourself. You can also calmly ask DS what you're doing wrong with the baby so that you can stop doing it. If you can't be reasonable in asking the question then it isn't surprising that they haven't opened up.

Also, only try to settle someone else's baby if they ask you to. That is most likely what you were doing wrong; baby was shouting for mum and you delayed fixing the issue.

They’re mad! If I had lovely in laws wanting to help I’d be biting your hand off!

You’ll have to ask them or it won’t change

I think it sounds like you’re in a very difficult position and your DS and DIL are totally unreasonable. Start suiting yourself, don’t just drop everything when they summon you. Especially when the summons is to sit and watch your GC from afar, and not hold them etc.

Despite the almost-religious belief that babies just need their mothers, I think that this isn't really true - early breastfeeding apart. I think it is more that in the general tumult of parenthood some mothers just need their babies.

It can be good for babies to be welcomed into a close caring family community and get used to caregivers.

A mother may have to go off to hospital. She will probably have to return to paid work.

A very exclusive relationship where nobody else can hold, touch, care for the child will cause problems for that child later on. Mothers get driven mad by clingy toddlers who follow them into the loo..

And yes, I do know about attachment but I don't think it is about some 100% there every minute of the day and night sort of relationship.

I wonder if her mum has said something and this is about that rather than you. She wants to be 'favourite' grandma. She has a problem with your experience, something like that. It's possible that your daughter in law is having issues with her own mum. It's not always mils who can be unreasonable 😁

I would stop going round when summoned tbh. Stop dropping everything. Say that clearly this strategy isn't working for the children so you think it's best to back off for a while and come over only once a week and try to build up the relationship more slowly until the children feel comfortable to hug you.

I broached this briefly before and was told I just had to be patient.

Patient about what? If someone said “just be patient” I’d be asking what for.

Also, lots of blame for DIL here (as usual) what is your own child doing in all this? I’m certain you’ll want to claim it has nothing to do with him and she walks all over the wet blanket child you raised, but honestly, it’s very rare for things like this to happen with absolutely no reason. I’d love to hear her side of the story.

I wonder if her mum has said something and this is about that rather than you. She wants to be 'favourite' grandma. She has a problem with your experience, something like that.

Yeah, this is just silly.

@Cookiecrumblepie

I don’t understand this ‘win over the DIL’ stuff. Your relationship is with your son. Just speak to him and go through him. Don’t lump your DIL with this. It’s your sons responsibility to explain to you and ensure you have time with his child, not your DILs.

This …!

@Hall35

I don't smoke,no cold sores no odd advice in fact I steer away from giving advice and I've been on the receiving end of a vile.MIL so I absolutely do not want to be that! My Gc parents are both wonderful they dont need my input on how I would do it they are doing great. I genuninely cant fathom where I've gone wrong and I must have surely?

My first thought was ''There must be a cold sore somewhere in this situation'' ?

But you say not.

Do they think you are possibly ''Unsteady on your pins'' and likely to drop the baby?

It sounds so bizarre.
Other people have said grim stuff like fingers in the baby's moths and sucking dummies...That is beyond gross, so I'm sure you'd not do that.

It seems a bit ''PFB'' to me {Precious first born}, and bizarre.

You'll have to ask them.

Also as a new mum I found it suffocating having my MIL want to help with absolutely everything. I just wanted space and time to bond with my baby without anybody trying to take over.

Your 'I'm very experienced with babies' attitude makes me think that your DIL could be feelings similar to what I did.

If you don't know, we've no hope of guessing. This is ridiculous. You sound like you're offering a lot, there is obviously something they're not happy about but they need to tell you. Talk to your son privately? Or write a letter. Just like your original post. It sounds heart-breaking they let others hold DC but not you. I think that sounds really mean when they expect you to come over several times a week and help. Be direct - why are you not comfortable letting me hold DC but you do others? If they fob you off in all honesty I'd just withdraw and not go around / visit so much and not do the helping stuff, let them ask you for more.

@pinkprettyroses but if you felt suffocated I assume you would keep inviting MIL over