Grannie feeling a little left out.

[Hall35]

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

@Nanny0gg

Obviously if there is PND involved, those protective feelings are understandable

Clearly not according to most of the people on this thread!

I suppose I really don't understand that level of 'possessiveness' because I never felt it myself.

Same. And I had PND.

@Blossomtoes

I did not like my daughter being held by people other than DH and me, except in small doses

Absolutely genuine question - why? That makes absolutely no sense to me.

It was a completely instinctive reaction. I wanted and needed her next to me with every fibre of my being. I didn’t have postnatal depression by the way. And I’m sure not everyone feels that way, but I know plenty who did.

@Millicent2022
I think the fact the op has even started a post on here kind of suggests she is quite strong / possibly overbearing and not letting the parents find their own rhythm (Sorry op!)

That is a totally bizarre extrapolation

@Blossomtoes

I suppose I really don't understand that level of 'possessiveness' because I never felt it myself.

Same. And I had PND.

Well maybe consider everybody feels differently and just because you didn't feel that way when dealing with PPD, doesn't mean other people don't. It's a very common feeling.

@Millicent2022 well lets see how you feel when its your sons
And why do women only get a say in who holds a baby etc and the father none , last time i looked they have equal parental rights and also we women want equal rights don't we but not when it suits it seems
The baby doesn't only belong to its mum

@HoneyFlowers well thats very different to this OP and health and safety would of course trump anything

@Nanny0gg I wasn’t possessive as such. It was just my gut reaction that she belonged with me or my husband. Weirdly I had no issue with him holding her for as long as. And friends who held her for a few minutes - no problem (unless they sneezed on her ). I guess it was the entitled and yes, possessive vibe I got from some that triggered this instinct in me.
I repeat - I did not have PND. And I have lots of friends who felt the same.

@pinkprettyroses which is exactly what they have done said they felt differently even with PND so that may be why these parents are like this or it may be not
Either way maybe you explain to someone , the son could have a quiet word at least

I think there’s a documented mechanism whereby holding the baby releases certain hormones in the mother - some that stimulate milk production for example. That’s why so much is made of the importance of skin to skin for breastfeeding.

You definitely have to ask the parents of the baby, why you are kind of stopped from doing normal grandparent things. Its the only thing that will settle your mind.. The issue of having to hand back a baby to a parent, when it is crying, is very odd, babies have to get used to some things , If the Mother of the baby is one of these people, who is over anxious and overreacts to all things when having a new child, she should try and get a different mindset, and keep calm.

@EarlGreywithLemon but would you invite your MIL around twice a week to just watch?
It seems a very new concept to be like this with babies and I am hearing it a lot now
Years ago everyone chipped in more as maybe people had bigger families , lived in multi generation households
I understand not wanting to pass a baby around loads but letting nan have a 5 min cuddle , sorry I don't get that as its not allowing your child to make any bonds with anyone else and what happens if You have to go to hospital unexpectedly and need help and in this case they let the mums parents hold child and others just seems to be OP

@EarlGreywithLemon i breastfed others held my baby it had no impact , i mean realistically how often are you with other people , so someone holding baby for 1 hr a day , people work and still breastfeed etc

[quote worriedatthistime]@Millicent2022 well lets see how you feel when its your sons
And why do women only get a say in who holds a baby etc and the father none , last time i looked they have equal parental rights and also we women want equal rights don't we but not when it suits it seems
The baby doesn't only belong to its mum[/quote]
I also have daughters - I have no expectations of any of them to behave in a certain way. I do think it’s natural for the mum trust her own mother more . I certainly did , and I love my mother in law very dearly!

[quote]quoted post withdrawn by user[/quote]
@HoneyFlowers If what you are saying is true (and sorry but it sounds like a massive exaggeration to me, if there is any even any truth in it), you should not have been at all anxious, because you wouldn't have left your DC with her - it would have been very negligent of you (and your partner?) to leave someone like that in charge of your child.

@Joystir59

She feels more comfortable with her own parents, that's what this is. Unfortunately a mil you aren't as close to Dil

@Joystir59 Something for Op to remember when baby becomes a toddler and she’s clamouring for a break from them!

[quote worriedatthistime]@EarlGreywithLemon but would you invite your MIL around twice a week to just watch?
It seems a very new concept to be like this with babies and I am hearing it a lot now
Years ago everyone chipped in more as maybe people had bigger families , lived in multi generation households
I understand not wanting to pass a baby around loads but letting nan have a 5 min cuddle , sorry I don't get that as its not allowing your child to make any bonds with anyone else and what happens if You have to go to hospital unexpectedly and need help and in this case they let the mums parents hold child and others just seems to be OP [/quote]
I had plenty of friends visit, very often, and yes, my in laws too. Quick hug for baby, hand her over to me or husband, and get on with chatting/having a cup of tea. Maybe another quick hug at the end- and I mean a few minutes. Everyone bright and breezy and no pressure to hand baby over. I always offered for MIL to hold her (she didn’t ask), she did for a minute or two, then gave her back. It was great and I loved seeing these people. I really like my MIL and I think she got it spot on in our relationship re DD.

When my mother came to stay she was so intense and on the edge of her seat waiting to snatch DD. It was awful and I hated it. Every bit of me screamed “give her back”! She lives abroad, but if she didn’t I’d put some very firm boundaries in place. I bet she wouldn’t understand why either!

And by the way, why is “everyone pitching in” a better model of child rearing? Surely it’s horses for courses?

@escapingthecity

Tbh I dread visitors who just want to cuddle the baby - feels a bit like they're taking the baby away from me. The most useful visitors are the ones who will happily sweep the kitchen/bring us food/do the ironing and not have any expectation of cuddles.

@escapingthecity I couldn’t be arsed visiting you. People come to visit to see the people in the house including baby. Have a chat etc. Not to be your bloody skivvy especially for a baby the age of OP’s grandchild. Bet you get few visitors with your attitude

All the posters that are so nit picky with you OP…maybe you’ve done this, maybe you’ve done that, bring your daughter in law cake and flowers, FFS.

New parents should be happy and appreciative they have a loving and interested grandparent involved. All these parents that want to be left alone and have no one else touch their baby for about 18months after they’re born would do well to remember that in the not too distant future their gorgeous baby will be a hard work tantrum-img who’ll youll be desperate to have a break from!

The novelty of being with your kid 24/7 WILL fade so don’t alienate your mother in law if you’re lucky enough to have one thats interested in your DC!

[quote worriedatthistime]@EarlGreywithLemon i breastfed others held my baby it had no impact , i mean realistically how often are you with other people , so someone holding baby for 1 hr a day , people work and still breastfeed etc[/quote]
Good for you! I felt differently from you. And as I said I had plenty of friends who felt the way I did. And maybe the OP’s son and DIL do too. Worth noting too that some were too polite to say anything to their families but were resentful.

I saw lots of one very good friend in particular when her DD was tiny, because I respected her boundary that she did not want her daughter picked up. Her daughter didn’t like being picked up by people other than her parents either. Yet there had been pressure on my friend to give in on that. I really don’t get why!

Maybe it's just me but you do sound very fixated with holding the baby, desperate for a cuddle, wanting to scoop them up, you say it over and over again in your posts. Maybe this comes over in real life and you are being a bit grabby/overbearing when you come round. You also mention initially the baby would cling to parents and this was at the point you were still allowed to hold? Are you sure you weren't insisting on cuddles when neither baby nor mum were comfortable and that has damaged trust?

Also can't help noticing you're a little inconsistent when you describe what happened when baby cried when you were holding them - first you say that they were taken off you before you had a chance to settle them despite your great experience, then in another comment you breezily say, oh of course I gave baby straight back, parents know best. There's just a bit of inconsistency between those two statements that make me wonder if there was an occasion you held onto baby or insisted on having them when perhaps you weren't welcome to and this has damages some trust.

Bet you get few visitors with your attitude

Well, not once there are newer babies in the family, anyway!

@LuckySantangelo35

All the posters that are so nit picky with you OP…maybe you’ve done this, maybe you’ve done that, bring your daughter in law cake and flowers, FFS.

New parents should be happy and appreciative they have a loving and interested grandparent involved. All these parents that want to be left alone and have no one else touch their baby for about 18months after they’re born would do well to remember that in the not too distant future their gorgeous baby will be a hard work tantrum-img who’ll youll be desperate to have a break from!

The novelty of being with your kid 24/7 WILL fade so don’t alienate your mother in law if you’re lucky enough to have one thats interested in your DC!

Not everyone feels that way. I now have a toddler and no desire to rope relatives in to “have a break from her”. She is at nursery 3 days a week, and that suits everyone just fine. She loves it there and is a happy, relaxed child.

@LuckySantangelo35 I totally agree. If you have friends and family that have a history of each other helping out with practical tasks, then fine to expect them to help with housework. But if not, then wanting someone to come and do your housework and not even hold your baby, is unreasonable.