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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grannie feeling a little left out.

427 replies

Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:07

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

OP posts:
saraclara · 15/03/2022 11:52

@escapingthecity

Tbh I dread visitors who just want to cuddle the baby - feels a bit like they're taking the baby away from me. The most useful visitors are the ones who will happily sweep the kitchen/bring us food/do the ironing and not have any expectation of cuddles.
This is the baby's grandmother.

The love a GP has for their GC is intense. It's not at parental level, but it's not far off. It took me by surprise, but it shouldn't have. At an animal level, we are part of this infant genetically, and we are primed to care for and protect them.

Part of that protective instinct is to hold and to touch, quiite apart from the actually love we feel.

I'll admit that I didn't get this when I was a new parent. Fortunately though, I did recognise that my babies' grandparents needed and loved to cuddle thair Grandbabies. I have the most beautiful photo of my late father holding my first baby and gazing at her with such love and awe, and another of my in laws gazing at one of my toddler DD with the same kind of love. It's incredibly special and it's that love and protective instinct that all mothers will be grateful to them for when their child is older. A cuddle isn't an unreasonable expectation of any DGP, whether on the maternal or paternal side.

lemongreentea · 15/03/2022 11:53

stop going round there a few times a week. wait a month and see if they ask why you havent visited. you'll know your answer then.

maybe they just need space from you as you come across as overbearing to them?

The key is to know when you're not wanted and take a hint. Leave them be and they will probably come back with a revised visiting schedule of once every few months.

oh and not your business how often your dil's mum visits either.

saraclara · 15/03/2022 11:55

Also @escapingthecity, the baby in the OP is now 7 months old, not a newborn. So the bringing us food/cleaning/whatever expectations are surely no longer relevant?

saraclara · 15/03/2022 11:59

oh and not your business how often your dil's mum visits either.

If you're ever a MIL grandparent and find yourself in OP's position, do come back and tell us how you don't care that you are completely sidelined while the maternal grandparent sees their GC all the time.

Whatever the reason, believe me, it will hurt. (And no, I'm not a MIL GP, my DGD is my DD's. But I know that my DGD is every bit as important to and loved by her other DGM).

CousinKrispy · 15/03/2022 12:01

I'm sorry you're feeling left out.

While it's frustrating now, I'd be patient and just let the parents do what they're comfortable with--follow their lead instead of pushing back. It's their baby and their decision.

You're only 7 months in, you will have years ahead of you of establishing and enjoying a lovely relationship with your GC. Just let it go slow for now.

PleaseBeSeated · 15/03/2022 12:09

These kinds of threads are never illuminating because by definition, the grandparent complaining about not being allowed to hold/take out in their pushchair/babysit etc their grandbaby thinks they are doing nothing wrong.

Both my PIL and my parents I'm sure found us unreasonable at times, but actually, it can be very hard to have a frank conversation on some stuff. For instance, it's difficult to say 'We won't let you take out DS for a drive because we don't think you're a safe driver' or 'Your personal/food hygiene is dubious' or (in the case of my own mother) 'Because you are incredibly timid and naive and I don't trust you to keep him safe if you needed to assert yourself to do so' (long story, but have seen my mother actually endanger children she looked after as a childminder by being unable to say 'No' to a relative with a restraining order who showed up at the house).

I recognise that the situation the OP describes is not the same, but my point is that it can be difficult to have that kind of conversation because the reasons can feel quite personal and swingeing.

Calphurnia88 · 15/03/2022 12:19

@Hall35

I brought up just after Christmas so a few months and I have followed everything they have asked of me to the letter. I guess I maybe had too high expectations of being A GM.
Can you elaborate more on 'everything they asked of' you when you had this conversation previously OP? @Hall35
2022HereWeCome · 15/03/2022 12:28

I also think part of the problem is when GP make it all about them tbh. Not about what is best for their GC or DD or DS and their parents...

and I agree with @PleaseBeSeated. MIL thinks she is good with children, she tells me she looks after other children in the family without a problem. However, when we stayed with her when DS was 2.5 she was meant to be looking after him and I found him wandering around the kitchen opening cupboards and doors. MIL was watching TV thinking he couldn't move the armchair she'd put in front of the door to stop him leaving and was adamant she didn't need to childproof cupboards because he wouldn't be able to open them.

LaraDeSalle · 15/03/2022 12:33

It might not actually be something that you’ve done since they’ve had the baby.

It’s possible that your son has a memory of something of perhaps the way things used to be done when he was a baby or child that he remembers and has mentioned it to his wife and they both think that you could possibly so that thing now.

Malibuismysecrethome · 15/03/2022 12:48

I have no words of wisdom it must be so hurtful not to be allowed to pick up or cuddle your DC.

Listen to your OH.

I wouldn’t be rushing round to them at their behest, I would say it’s not convenient a few times, but then I can be a cow. You are being marginalised and it’s not nice.

Magdalena543 · 15/03/2022 12:48

I'm so sorry to read this Hall35. I'm a granny too and the love I have for my grandchildren is pretty intense. I have daughters and so I'm probably closer to the DGC than the other granny as my daughter leans on me more for help, but I do know that my daughter is very careful to include the other grandparents.

It does sound like something happened as the change was so sudden, so if you can talk to them to clear the air that may help. I never got on with my MIL and went no contact for a while in the early days, but I never weaponised my DC against her. They have always been really close to her, closer than they are to my mother in fact! Unless there are safety concerns or abuse, withholding DC from grandparents it cruel both for the grandparents and the child.

I hope you can sort this out.

Millicent2022 · 15/03/2022 12:51

I think the fact the op has even started a post on here kind of suggests she is quite strong / possibly
overbearing and not letting the parents find their own rhythm
(Sorry op!)

Also ofc the maternal
Grandparents willl be closer initially , didn’t
You feel like that when you had children , op? You trust your own mum and dad beyond anyone else , it’s natural

Clarabe1 · 15/03/2022 12:52

Do you have sons @Millicent2022?

ittakes2 · 15/03/2022 12:57

There is something missing here. When you were told to be patient - be patient for what? I have boy / girl twins and my m’n’law really helped me but she would also come over and carrying my son around all day as he reminded her of her three sons as babies. But of course on days she wasn’t there he would cry all day expecting to be carried around.
I would just give it time - trust me when the baby starts running around as a toddler they will be glad for help. At 7months not long to go!

EarlGreywithLemon · 15/03/2022 12:58

I don’t think it’s necessarily a MIL thing. My mother is overbearing, interfering and intense. My in laws are incredibly good and sensitive - I think my MIL was subjected to all sorts from relatives when she had her kids, remembers what it was like, and doesn’t do the things she found annoying.

I’m sorry, but no, I did not like my daughter being held by people other than DH and me, except in small doses. I hated the possessiveness my mother radiated from every pore towards DD and the feeling that she was somehow “entitled” to her. And by the way, I never expected my mother or to help with any chores at all when she visited - just to not be so full on about DD.

And as for why the younger generation seems to feel more so sorry possessive of their kids - maybe they just feel more empowered to be vocal and push back against things they are uncomfortable with, rather than swallow their feelings in the name of not ruffling feathers.

Millicent2022 · 15/03/2022 12:59

@Clarabe1

Do you have sons *@Millicent2022*?
Yep two sons , one married
EarlGreywithLemon · 15/03/2022 12:59

Apologies for the stray “so sorry”

Stroppypeople · 15/03/2022 13:03

@Millicent2022

I think the fact the op has even started a post on here kind of suggests she is quite strong / possibly overbearing and not letting the parents find their own rhythm (Sorry op!)

Also ofc the maternal
Grandparents willl be closer initially , didn’t
You feel like that when you had children , op? You trust your own mum and dad beyond anyone else , it’s natural

Do you have grandchildren? Has it occurred to you that OP is bewildered and hurt rather than strong and overbearing! Your view is very narrow minded and negative.
Nanny0gg · 15/03/2022 13:09

@Blossomtoes

Same here *@Nanny0gg*. My bloke’s grandson was put in my arms before I had the chance to take my coat off the first time we visited. The second baby arrived just before lockdown at the end of 2020 and exactly the same thing happened again. We didn’t see that baby again for five months so that hour of holding her was huge.
That reminds me of the time we went on a family holiday to where my nephew lives. We went in, I was taken to see the new baby by his mum, he was given to me along with a nappy and they left me to it! Baby was happy and so was I, It was lovely to be welcomed as though I was a 'proper' member of their family who could be trusted with the littlest one.

There seems to be so many distant fractured families now. It's very sad.

Blossomtoes · 15/03/2022 13:14

I did not like my daughter being held by people other than DH and me, except in small doses

Absolutely genuine question - why? That makes absolutely no sense to me.

Nevermakeit · 15/03/2022 13:16

So clearly it is your son's child. I have been on the other end of this, as the DIL. My MIL was exactly like you, and objectively lovely - but I have terrible memories of this time and it's only now 10 yrs on that the resentment is fading.
I think the clue may be in your last paragraph : you are (and see yourself) as very much the expert in this. My MIL was one of 5, had 3 kids herself AND was a nursery headteacher. And without meaning to, I felt she was constantly giving me lessons/advice, or even (to be fair to her) just watching and judging me, even when she probably wasn't. I just didn't want someone around who was more of an expert than me, basically, and her kindly-meant advice and 'I've been there' type comments, and even her constant baby chat really ignored me. I remember thinking she would be thrilled if something happened to me and she could just take over with her son and the baby!
And she honestly couldn't have been kinder, but that is how I took it, and it became a vicious circle - the more she leaned in and the more I backed off. I also felt that she had such an advantage, my child would end up loving her more than my own parents and I didn't want that - so I was overcompensating on the other side, to sort of level the playing field (and also, a woman will always trust her own mother more than anyone) .
Anyway, all that to say that it may be that. And I am not sure how you can address it except to try and give the impression of backing off a bit and trying to see if that relaxes the mum a bit, and she comes a bit more to you.
I hope this helps.

pinkprettyroses · 15/03/2022 13:26

@Blossomtoes

I did not like my daughter being held by people other than DH and me, except in small doses

Absolutely genuine question - why? That makes absolutely no sense to me.

I felt the same. I had postnatal depression. It felt like everybody was trying to take them off of me.
Nanny0gg · 15/03/2022 13:30

@EarlGreywithLemon

I don’t think it’s necessarily a MIL thing. My mother is overbearing, interfering and intense. My in laws are incredibly good and sensitive - I think my MIL was subjected to all sorts from relatives when she had her kids, remembers what it was like, and doesn’t do the things she found annoying.

I’m sorry, but no, I did not like my daughter being held by people other than DH and me, except in small doses. I hated the possessiveness my mother radiated from every pore towards DD and the feeling that she was somehow “entitled” to her. And by the way, I never expected my mother or to help with any chores at all when she visited - just to not be so full on about DD.

And as for why the younger generation seems to feel more so sorry possessive of their kids - maybe they just feel more empowered to be vocal and push back against things they are uncomfortable with, rather than swallow their feelings in the name of not ruffling feathers.

I suppose I really don't understand that level of 'possessiveness' because I never felt it myself.

I had no mum or MiL but my siblings, niece and friends were welcome to a cuddle. And one of my most cherished photos is of my dad cuddling his new grandson.

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2022 13:30

Obviously if there is PND involved, those protective feelings are understandable

worriedatthistime · 15/03/2022 13:31

@Nevermakeit did you dh have no say then ?